A Texan in China


Any travel a thinking person makes is a journey of the soul as sure as the feet. In conversations with friends and relatives I have referred to my trip to China in many turns of phrase. I have called it "epiphany piled on epiphany" and a "journey of the mind and spirit as well as the body." Most often I have termed it simply "a passage." In experiencing this very old and incredibly different culture I became more cognizant of my own culture’s strengths and weaknesses. By visiting and immersing myself in another society, observing some of its influence on its people, I became more acutely aware of my society as it is reflected in me. In the end analysis it was simply the most significant journey I have ever taken, whether by way of mental or physical conveyance.

I approached the trip with some trepidation. This was, after all, the other side of the world and I was sure I could expect Chinese culture and customs to reflect that literal 180 degrees. I could not have been more right. In an unexpected way I also could not have been more mistaken. While the customs and mores that make China what it is are in fact very different from the social practices that define the United States, I found that the essences that make people what they are do not vary much between the two locales. It has long been my feeling that, at the bedrock, most people only want a few things beyond the fundamental necessities, namely, we want to eat tasty food, drink interesting beverages and have meaningful interaction with the people we care for, maybe even dance and sing now and then. I found this to be as true of the Chinese as I have found it to be true of Americans.

Perhaps the most important, and to me the most significant, similarity between the peoples of America and China is the simple need and desire to be treated with respect and courtesy. I found that in China, respect for other people seems ingrained into society to a point that the virtue seems almost second nature. Sadly, this is not always a factor of life in the United States. I found this respect to exist reliably in almost all situations, whether dining together or bargaining in the markets, in introductions and budding friendships as well as in ongoing relationships, in short-term associations as well as long.

Most obvious, and meaningful to me as a visitor, was the way in which introductions were made during my visit to China. As children we are taught to say something, preferably something flattering, about the person we are introducing as part of the introduction. While few people actually practice this level of courtesy in America, my experience in China was that it is often carried close to the extreme. For instance, in introducing our teachers to us, Dr. Wright would always say a few sentences lauding the person’s accomplishments and our good fortune at being that person’s students. This is understandable. But what inevitably followed was perhaps a little more unusual, at least in Western terms. In thanking Dr. Wright for the introduction, the introduced inevitably added a few laudatory comments of his own concerning Dr. Wright. This mini-ceremony was more elaborate and took considerably more time than probably would have been spent in a similar American setting.

As the days went on I did not find this practice to be so very unusual. Whenever I had occasion to be introduced by one of the Chinese students, he or she would invariably add in some information about me, outside of the obvious fact of my being from Texas. This simple gesture made conversation and relationships much more pleasant and open. It was not long before I began turning the small compliments back to the students in completion of the social ritual.

One of the most significant things to happen to me in Guilin occurred after classes on the third day. I stopped at a little store on the way back to our hotel and as it was a hot day, I bought an ice cream bar. I paid what I thought was the right amount and turned to walk away. Hearing a voice behind ask me to wait a moment, I turned around and a young Chinese lady told me that I had forgotten my change, which amounted to only a couple of cents in American money. I thanked the young student who had called me back and turned again to walk away. I suddenly remembered being earlier dismayed at not having met any Chinese students to that point so I turned back to her, remarking on her facility with English. Conversation ensued and within about five minutes I was enmeshed in a deep, free-wheeling and friendly discussion with four or five students. This was the turning point and in some sense the defining moment, of my trip. I was later pleased that it happened as soon as it did.

One point of this anecdote is that almost without exception each of the students asked permission to enter our conversation. The question was generally put while standing outside the existing circle of conversation. I thought this was extremely thoughtful and, in a word, civilized. I took this to be indicative not only of the Chinese respect for privacy, but also the depth to which their manners extend. I can recall no experiences with rude behavior in China. In fact, even bargaining with the various fruit and souvenir vendors carried with it a kind of frantic respect.

Another interesting aspect of my conversation with those students that sunny day was in their respect for the person who was talking. I am sure that some of their sterling manners had to do with their pleasure in speaking with a "real live English speaker," Putting aside that ego-inflating notion, however, the fact is that the conversation progressed freely, and there were, as I remember, very few interruptions. Whoever was talking possessed the floor until he or she let it go, a far cry from the sometimes rude interruptions we experience in conversation here.

This concern for others also manifested itself at the dining table. I would note first that the idea of putting a lazy susan affair in the middle of the table is a great one as it saves a lot of passing dishes and cuts down on table commotion. However, other small courtesies manifested themselves. For instance, people tended to serve each other even though the dish could be easily swung round to the one who needed it. The same thing happened with the table’s teapot. I was pleased to note that by the end of the trip, it was commonplace for any one person to serve tea and food to others at the table. Even people who had developed a distaste for each other manifested this respectful behavior. It was almost as though Chinese manners were infectious. Generally speaking the mood at the table became more polite as the trip went, as if people saved their best manners for the last part of the trip.

Another important time for me in China was when I had dinner at the home of Professor He. While a good deal of the family’s polite behavior could be attributed to my being their guest from out of town, I am not certain I would have felt as welcome, and as honored, as I did had the occasion been held in a typical American home. Essentially a stranger, I was made to feel like family. When I presented a gift to Professor He and his wife, I felt as though they honored not the gift, but the giver. This had the effect of pleasing me even more than if they had reacted solely over the gift itself. Truly, the Chinese realize, perhaps subconsciously, the truth of the adage "it’s the thought that counts."

This was also the case when the group presented the books we had brought for the school’s library. Even as the school officials thanked us profusely for the books and told what an important contribution they were, my impression was that it wasn’t so much the books themselves that were important, but the fact that we had given them to the university. Doubtless they were happy at having the new additions, but their sense of decorum insisted that they notice the presenter. It was also significant to me that the school officials felt it necessary to give us a gift in return. The significance was not in the gifts they gave us, but in the fact that they wished to honor us with a gift, just as we had, to their thinking, honored them with a gift.

In a similar vein, at the last class, we presented our Chinese language teacher, Laoshi Qin, with a small gift. Her comments, while appreciative of the present, were clearly pointed at the class, focusing specifically on our thoughtfulness in giving. Again, the case was the glorification of the givers, not the gift.

I experienced the gift-giving cycle again in my dealings with one of the students who became a friend in the last week or so of the trip. Guo Yan had taken me around to various spots in the city, acting as translator and guide and often bargaining in my stead in the markets. I wanted to show my appreciation, both for her assistance and as a token of burgeoning friendship, and on our group’s last evening in Guilin I gave her a small present. Immediately she was in a conundrum, because my gift, which, remember, I had given to her as a token of appreciation for the gift of her company and aid, meant that she was bound to give me a gift in return. I pointed out to her the possible closed system of gift giving we were in danger of creating, but that gentle josh could not dissuade her from the idea that I must be given a gift in return. I finally told her that if she insisted on reciprocating to just keep an eye out for something and send it to me, though I continued to assert that it wasn’t necessary.

I wasn’t really surprised to check my mail this weekend and find a small present included with her letter, two packages of very nice postcards. As I went to the Bookstop later this weekend to purchase a pocket thesaurus to send my new friend, I was reminded of the rest of our conversation about gifts. I’d joked with her, asking when all the back and forth gift giving was supposed to end and she replied soberly, "When the friendship ends." So it is clear that the point is not the gift, or even the saving of face. The point is the relationship between the giver and the receiver.

The obvious question now is from what springs this Chinese nicety and respect. My first conjecture was that these courtesies were born of a society that, due to its poverty and over-crowding, places a premium on privacy and respect. The idea being that if a person has nothing else he at least has his dignity and humanity and he is therefore due respect. No doubt this is a factor in Chinese manners, but it is by no means the sole or even most important influence. Chinese society during the important Qing Dynasty was, like those before it, built on complex systems of social ritual. Government worked due to a quite involved system of official and unofficial operations, utilizing various relationships such as regional, familial and educational affiliations. Those relationships were built on elaborate customs, among them highly ordered rules for reciprocal gift giving.

An interlocking factor in the development of Chinese culture was that it was based to a large degree on the ordered religious thinking of Buddhism and Daoism and the moral philosophy of Confucianism. As the Chinese strove for their inner life to be ordered, so did they also strive for order in their outer lives. The rituals that were practiced so strictly in the elite classes, giving a rigid and definable form to its high culture, were also practiced in the peasant areas of the Middle Kingdom, imparting the same sort of formal culture to the masses.

Travel changes a person whether or not he or she wants, or is ready for, a change. The mark of a good journey is that it changes the traveler in ways that have the potential of changing the world. This trip to China has changed me in ways I am only now realizing. In addition to verifying my personal belief in the common essence of humanity, I have gained another tool with which to combat man’s fabled inhumanity to man. When I give another human being at least some of the respect he or she deserves, whether through the honor of an introduction or through the passing of a teapot, then the world has benefitted just as I have.

Copyright, 1997, Richard Tuthill
You are welcome to use any and all of this for any reasonable purpose, especially if it promotes world peace, but by the Law of What Goes Around Comes Around you must quote me.