MORE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS BY ROBERT PAUL REYES

MY FAVORITE ROCK SONGS

There are some classic rock songs like Smells Like Teen Spirit where the lyrics are almost irrelevant. I defy anyone to decipher the words to that great anthem; but that doesn't detract from its enjoyment or understanding because Kurt Cobain manages to express the despair he feels in his intonation and in the music itself. Then there are celebrated rock standards where you must hear and understand the words in order to get the most out of the music. Bullet With Butterfly Wings begins with the verse "the world is a vampire, sent to drain." Midway through Billy Corgan wails "despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage." It ends with these words "and I still believe that I cannot be saved." These lyrics by Billy Corgan need no commentary and they require no interpretation. Billy brilliantly articulates the incoherent rage and seething frustration of the middling masses who attend his concerts. Smells Like Teen Spirit and Bullet With Butterfly Wings are my favorite rock melodies. Give them a listen cause above everything else they rock!!!

MY FAVORITE ROCK BAND

My favorite rock band is Garbage. Garbage rocks and Shirley rules. I love the way Shirley Manson stands when she belts out her songs; her legs spread far apart; a posture of sexual confidence and matriarchal authority. She's a role model for teen girls and an object of lust and admiration for dirty old men like me.

MY FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW

Screw Ozzie and Harriet! Screw The Cosby Show! The former represented a family of the 50's that never existed and the latter represented a family of the 80's that never existed. The Simpsons on the other hand are an accurate representation of the typical dysfunctional American family of the 90's. The Simpsons is the only network tv show worth watching. It's consistently entertaining, uproariously hilarious and always thought provoking. May the Simpsons live forever in syndication.

MY FAVORITE TELEVISION SHOW (SPECIFIC EPISODE)

The Mr Hankey episode of South Park is the best thing I have seen on television in a long time. The show starts with a rehearsal of a Christmas play by the third graders of South Park. It's a traditional Christmas play complete with Baby Jesus and the Three Wise Men. A Jewish parent complains because she doesn't want her child participating in a Christian play. As a result all of the Christian elements of the play are eliminated. Someone else complains about the lights and decorations and that leads to all the secular elements being eliminated as well. Finally the day of the play arrives and all the disparate segments of the town arrive to see the big play. The townspeople are shocked and outraged when the traditional play they were expecting to see turns out to be a minimalist production complete with music by Philip Glass. The audience is bored and disappointed and pretty soon they start blaming each other for this fiasco. They actually start fighting each other. When who comes to the rescue preaching peace and brotherhood of man? Why none other than Mr Hankey who is literally a piece of crap that can walk and talk. This episode brilliantly illustrates the maxim that when a society has turned away from their religious as well as secular icons they might as well expect a piece of crap or maybe a Hitler to unite them.

MY FAVORITE SIMPLE PLEASURE

In these increasingly complex and confusing times one must treasure and find solace in simple pleasures. My favorite simple pleasure is reading the newspaper. As my personal life becomes more chaotic I appreciate more the familiarity of the newspaper with its neatly compartmentalized sections. Reading the morning paper inoculates and prepares me for the frenetic day ahead of me.

MY FAVORITE GUILTY PLEASURE

My favorite guilty pleasure is watching the Jerry Springer Show. I have a fine tuned sense and appreciation of the absurd and it is sated by watching this horrible spectacle. The decadent Romans of yesterday pitted Christians against lions and today we have our talk shows where the uncouth and profane are pitted against each other so that they will entertain us and keep us too numbed to rebel against the filthy rich who control the media and just about everything else.

MY FAVORITE INNOCENT SIN

My favorite small vice is using slugs or foreign coins to feed parking meters. To me parking meters are a symbol of an omnipresent authoritarian state that wants to extract the last penny from its hardworking citizens.

MY FAVORITE ICON

The icon that best represents America is not the Statue of Liberty, it's not the Liberty Bell and it's not even Stars & Stripes. The icon that best symbolizes this country is Elvis Presley. Not the young and idealistic visionary who revolutionized popular music as well as popular culture but the obese and over the hill Viva Las Vegas Elvis who was a pathetic parody of himself. No other icon captures so completely the essence of this great nation of ours. The King is dead! Long live the King!!

MY FAVORITE ADVERTISING ICON

My favorite advertising icon is the Goodyear Blimp. I've seen the Goodyear Blimp bring smiles of wonder and astonishment to the eyes of the young and innocent as well as to the eyes of the old and jaded. The GoodyearBlimp is so quintessentially American. It's big and ridiculous and loveable!

MY FAVORITE TYPE OF EXERCISE

Jogging is my favorite type of exercise. It doesn't require an investment of hundreds of dollars in fitness equipment and no fancy designer sports attire is needed; just go into your closet and grab your old sweats and a pair of musty sneakers and you are all set. Jogging like any exercise is a race against the ravages of aging and a race against the inevitablility of death. It's a race we know we will ultimately lose but at least while we are jogging we are under the oxygen depleted delusion that we are postponing the arrival of the Grim Reaper.

MY FAVORITE JUNK FOOD

My favorite junk food is the hotdog . No comments from the peanut gallery! Sometimes a hot dog is just a hotdog! Eating a snack rich in by-products and replete with chemical preservatives should be an integral part of the diet of every red blooded American! If you want to undergo a life affirming and transcendent experience that doesn't require long hours of meditation or joining a religious order bite into a delicious hotdog today!

MY FAVORITE GOURMET FOOD

My favorite gourmet food item is designer water. It doesn't matter what brand as long as it's an upscale brand. Thank God for a culture that can take the most basic necessity of life that is free for the gulping and market it as an expensive designer product. God bless America.

MY FAVORITE CAUSE

My favorite cause is free speech online. We must be ever vigilant in our struggle to preserve free speech! We must not be lulled into complacency or else our freedoms will be snatched away. Please click on the blue ribbon to find out what you can do to preserve free speech on the internet!

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