My thoughts on being a
birth mom to an Alcohol-affected child
I PASSED ALONG TO YOU.
SO MANY LIVES AFFECTED,
I WISH IT WASN'T TRUE.
BUT IT IS, AND THE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE
LIES IN CONFRONTING THE PAST,
SO THE INHERITANCE OF DISFUNCTION
PASSED FROM ME TO YOU IS THE LAST.
written by karen crawford (poet624)
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When I started thinking about doing this page, I tried to figure out what to name it.
After all, when you have a child, its assumed your child IS your birth or natural child right?
Unless you specify that your child is adopted, if that is the case.
Well not in the world of FAS/E.
So here...I specify, I AM my son's birth mother!
I got sober when I was 5 months pregnant with my second child, Tyler.
In the world of FAS/E
(Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effects)
only 10% of the children diagnosed with FAS/E are actually living with their birth moms.
Why so few?
Sadly, many of the women who give birth to FAS/E children are still out there drinking.
Unable to raise their children, they have gone out and gone back to drinking, and now their children are now being raised by adoptive or foster homes.
They love their kids, like any other mom, but the disease of alcoholism has stripped them of their instincts to love and protect their children...oftentimes it is for the children's safety and well-being they've been removed from their mother's care.
Another factor is that women who have given birth to and are raising a child they suspect to be
alcohol-affected are afraid in some cases to talk to their doctors about it, thinking they will be labeled a
BAD MOM.
How sad that alcoholism is seen as a social flaw or stigma
instead of the disease it truly is!
My name is Yvette.
I was born in 1964, in Juneau, Alaska. I was adopted when I was 4 months of age.
I am part Alaskan Indian though I didn't find this out until later years.
Growing up, I lived with my parents in both Alaska and Oregon.
Having been born in Alaska, I've always felt it's my TRUE home, though!
I began drinking at age 16, after having moved back to Alaska from Oregon.
From that first drink, I remember feeling like I wanted to stay drunk forever.
Only when I was drunk or stoned did I feel 'normal'.
When I was 21 or so, I located my birth parents, well my mother anyway...I found out that my father had passed away, a victim of alcoholism himself.
My own birth mom is still alive, though we are not in contact at this time.
As near as I can tell the odds are good that I was exposed prenatally to alcohol myself.
By getting sober and teaching my own kids about the dangers of drinking while pregnant, I hope I am able to break that cycle.
It is my dream to see FAS/E eradicated from the earth.
Being one of the MOST easily prevented birth defects, that doesn't seem like such an insurmountable task, does it?
Unfortunately, because the disease of alcoholism is so strong and the main symptom is denial, it isn't as easy as it seems.
We must educate OTHERS, and our kids, on the dangers of drinking, especially while pregnant or trying to conceive.
But there's more to prevention than that.
One of my dreams is to see treatment facilities created across the country soley for pregnant women.
We also must see alcohol for what it is.
Why is it right to drink on all occasions except during that sacred 9 months?
How can we tell women not to drink when we ourselves drink often to excess in the name of 'fun'?
We must remove the social stigma of alcoholism and see it as a nasty, life-robbing disease.
We must make it easier for alcoholics, especially women, to come forward and get help to overcome their addictions.
After all...the real problem here is alcoholism.
When alcoholism occurs, the alcoholic forgets how to
cope with life, or sometimes never does learn.
Especially difficult are uncomfortable emotions like anger and pain.
Drinking dulls the emotions and natural instincts and robs us of our inhibitions.
When alcoholics get sober, they must learn anew (or sometimes, for the first time!) how to cope with these feelings.
It can be very difficult, and is, in my opinion, one of the main factors for relapse!
One of the greatest pains I have experienced in my sober life was finding out that what I had done while drinking had harmed my baby, who was 5 years old when he was diagnosis.
I kept having this vision, the night I realized what FAS/E meant for he and my family.
That vision was me, pregnant, sitting on a barstool with a drink in my hand.
I remember sobbing on my husband's shoulder, feeling a pain that I had never experienced in my life.
I kept crying and saying how stupid I had been then...stupid and selfish.
Of course once the major grief of learning about my son's diagnosis subsided somewhat, I realized I hadn't been stupid or selfish as much as sick.
At that time, I had been sober for 5 years, but earlier in my sobriety I might not have yet developed the coping skills needed to deal with that pain.
An important protective factor for guarding against relapse is having a strong support system, made up of friends, family and a spiritual life.
Sobriety consists of learning new coping mechanisms so when those uncomfortable feelings come upon us, we can deal with them instead of drowning them.
Only by banishing alcoholism from the face of the earth will we make FAS/E a thing of the past.
But that hasn't happened yet.
Right now we have to make the best life we can for our affected kids.
With early identification and intervention our kids can do well.
We find we must educate the schools to work with our kids.
My son Tyler has been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, which is secondary to his alcohol exposure.
He is very difficult to deal with at times.
He has also been diagnosed mild CP (cerebral palsy), CAPD (central auditory processing disorder),
ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), anxiety disorder, depressive disorder,
and OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder).
FAS/E kids often have multiple diagnosis, and Tyler is no exception.
Parenting him can be an arduous task.
Families dealing with FAS/E, whether birth or adoptive or foster, need LOTS of understanding and SUPPORT, even if it comes from the internet!
We are a caring group of individuals who have joined together to help each other through love and understanding and sometimes just listening! Open to any and all who are affected or are raising someone affected by prenatal alcohol exposure!
Today we have the advantage of learning from those who've walked before us in our paths.
They offer the support that didn't exist when they struggled to raise their kids.
Before FAS/E was well-known and diagnosed, children weren't diagnosed and were often thought of as stupid or lazy in schools, and often wound up in jails or worse.
Interventions help prevent these secondary disabilities from occuring.
Let's join forces and work together to stop one more baby from being born with FAS/E.
Thank you for visiting my page, and taking the opportunity to learn more about me and FAS/E.
Mail me
for more information on on this preventable tragedy.
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