Origionally appearing in The Connection newsletter (titles added).
| Computer Experiences | The Real Web | Leprechauns | More Than One Way to Skin a Computer |
| Man vs. Machine | Computer Manual Dominoes | Back to School | Computer Scares |
Example (not used)
We've all been there. You get ready to play your favorite game, surf the 'net, or work on that project, when all of a sudden - Poof! Something's wrong. Again. Either the file won't open or an application won't work or the network is down, but whatever it is, we know what the bottom line is.
It's annoying. It's REALLY annoying.
We, as human beings, don't like to be annoyed. We like to be able to comfortably sit at our computers and have everything go smooth as ice. Unfortunately, many times the computer has other ideas. Perhaps it's maliciously trying to bring revenge on you for doing nothing all day but push its buttons. Perhaps it is trying to send you a message that by using the computer that day something bad will happen to you, such as your genetic make-up will be altered by staring at the screen too long and you will turn into a giant man-eating moth, not unlike my sister. Then again, perhaps it is just plain messed up.
What can we do about it? Some of us are smart enough to fix the problem.
What about those that aren't? The smart ones out of these will call someone else who will fix the problem.
What about those of us who are left? We usually sit there, cursing and hitting the "Enter" key over and over as if this will magically bring the computer to its senses and grant your every wish.
Yes, a computer break down is a good way to spoil a good day. What does world need in response? Some would say more computer technicians at more reasonable rates. Some would say better education so the common man can rescue his impaired mechanical buddy.
I, however, say that we need computers that feel pain. Yelling at a computer and smacking its "Enter" key with power won't make a difference until we develop a computer that is programmed to say something like "Ouch! You big bully. Fine then. I'll work, if it'll make you happy!"
I also think computers should also come with a fully-automated cappuccino machine, but that's a different story.
In summery, broken down computers will continue to inhibit the technology age until people are allowed to calmly and rationally pound the living heck out of their machines, and have it make a difference.
February 97
Note: I would like to emphasize that everything in this article is true and has actually been seen by yours truly
I was on the Internet today (via America Online and Netscape 3.0, all searches where made on Yahoo [http://www.yahoo.com] - for those of you needing details) when, on a whim, I decided to put the word "fart" in the search window. I expected some sort of response, of course, but nothing like the several site matches I got. The World Wide Web, as most everyone by now is aware, is a place of vast knowledge. Billions of hours of research by millions of people go into the incredible amount of information that can be found on the Web. Still, there are some that just create home pages for the heck of it.
This was clearly demonstrated by the many pages found under the heading of "fart". Included in the listing of links were...
That's right folks. The Internet, place of learning, of open communication, is now also a place to exchange your best farts. Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? However, that's not the only thing you can trade online. I looked into the site http://www.shutup.com, just to see if there was such a thing, and got a home page wherein you could buy, sell, and trade "domains" - that is, Internet addresses. Here you could view entire catalogs of names for sale. My only question is (besides why is this site located at "www.shutup.com") why stop at just Internet address names? Why not given first and last names, too?
Bob: Hi! I'm Bob!
Ned: I'm Ned! I wish I were named Bob.
Bob: Really? I wish I were named Ned!
Ned: Hey! How about we trade names! You can do it easily at "www.shutyertrap.com"
Bob (soon to be Ned): Alright!
Takes notes, people. We're talking a new major corporation here.
I was now intrigued. With capabilities like this, the Internet was truly limitless. I solved the boxers vs. briefs debate with a few simple keystrokes (briefs won with 745 site matches as compared to 80 for boxers). I then tried obscure hobbies. Juggling got a whopping 98 site matches. Yodeling, however wasn't so lucky. It only had 3.
The three yodeling sites included Jason Billman's home page (http://spacely.gt.ed.net) which advertised in its description "yodeling, jokes, supersexy models, and supersexy yodeling models telling jokes...". I decided not to research any farther.
One link I found to be interesting was the Missing Link, Inc. (http://www.goshen.net/misslink/ml.htm) which said in its description - and I quote: "linking troubled youth and adults with life-changing programs. Online newsletter includes pictures and genuine Swiss yodeling". I checked out this rather oddly described page and discovered a legitimate ministry company showing images and descriptions of ministry to death-row inmates, troubled teens, and impoverished citizens. What yodeling had to do with this, I don't know. Maybe it's therapeutic.
Upon the search of "unicycling" I found about ten links, one of which was the Unicycling Society of America's home page (www.unicycling.org/usa/). This was a nifty page with pictures of their 1996 convention, a place to join, and an ad reading "If you live in North America and are interested in unicycling, you should join the USA. Even if you live elsewhere you are still welcome to join."
My question is, what can you do if you don't live in North America or elsewhere?
As has been demonstrated here and several other places, the World Wide Web could easily and accurately be name the World Wide Web of Weird. All sites featured in this article can be looked up at their listed address. Go ahead and check them out. I dare you.
March 1997
Hey! It's everyone's favorite holiday, St. Patrick's Day! I would suggest celebrating by renaming your computer O'Gateway or O'Macintosh or O'Generic Brand or something. Anyway, St. Patty's Day has special meaning for computers. The reason? Leprechauns.
That's right. All your life you've been told that computers ran off electricity and circuits and little chips and stuff. I'm here to tell you that's not true at all. On the inside, though you can't see them, your computer is actually run by Leprechauns. Villages of 'em. I know what you're thinking. I was skeptical at first too, but when you look at it from my warped perspective, it all makes sense.
Let's start with the basics. This would be the Leprechauns in charge of what you call "turning the computer on". These little guys (or girls - Leprechauns are equal opportunity employers) sleep next to the power switch, waiting for the sound of you flipping it to the "on" position. They then proceed to use their miniature bull horns to wake the others up. That noise you hear when you turn on your computer is actually thousands of tiny voices complaining at how early it is.
Then it's time to get to work. Monitor Leprechauns are given a 50 x 50 pixel area on the screen to control and coordinate. A team of three Leprechauns are in charge of driving the miniature go-cart with an arrow painted on top to serve as your mouse pointer. These speedy little people receive their instructions from the main control room (located craftily behind those little knobs on your Monitor you never use), who in turn receive their instructions from the Leprechauns radioing in from the mouse itself. What's the wire connecting the mouse to the computer for, you ask? It's not a wire. It's a plastic-coated tunnel permitting the leprechauns to crawl back and forth between the CPU and the mouse. It's really more for effect than anything, since Leprechauns are magical and can instantly transport themselves anywhere.
Special Leprechauns are brought in for special purposes. For example, if you have a CD-ROM drive, Disc Leprechauns are brought in. These Leprechauns trade off doing the jobs of spinning the CD at designated speeds (depending on how much money they're getting) and holding the "laser", which is actually a very small flashlight bought at the bargain section of K-Mart.
Perhaps you've wondered how the computer knows how to keep track of the files. This is done by the Filing Leprechauns. There are three main types of Filing Leprechauns: Noisers, Barkers, and Runners. The Noisers simply make those clicking and whirring noises you hear, so as to cover up the patter of little feet moving around. The Barkers are the ones who bark out the orders to the others. The Barker Leprechauns are despised by the others for their lofty rank and attitudes, and often have to have Body Guard Leprechauns wherever they go. The Runners are the ones who do the most work (and despising). The Runners actually pick up the files from the disk, another folder, or wherever they're coming from, and carry them to the new location per instruction. Now, to a Leprechaun, a file is much heavier than it would be to a human. Thus, it takes a lot of work. Leprechauns caught straggling behind are shot (I know this may sound brutal, but it's the way of the Leprechauns). Often the Runners are put on weight training programs to increase their strength and speed. The best of these programs is called the "Pentium". The Pentium is actually a full gymnasium for the Runner Leprechauns, not a microchip as those crafty Intel people would like you to think.
Lastly, I will talk about the Bumble Leprechauns. These bad little creatures are responsible for everything that goes wrong in your computer. The rest of the Leprechauns reject these misfits, except in my computer where they often seem to be welcomed with open arms day after day after DAY!
Oops, sorry. That's my problem, not yours.
So, this St. Patrick's Day, why not surprise the Leprechauns by going to the word processor and typing them a nice little message. They'll probably be so surprised, they'll all get little tiny tears in their little tiny eyes, frying the circuits in your computer, causing electrocution....
On second thought, leave the Leprechauns alone.
April 1997
First off, I'd like to tell everyone what happened on April Fool's Day. My computer, in the spirit of the holiday, played a fun little joke on me by causing several errors in applications, making me shut them down and restart my computer. Isn't that cute? Unfortunately, my computer must have thought the holiday had been held over, because it did the very same thing the next day and a few days after that. I had to take him aside and explain to him that this behavior was inappropriate. I put him in "time out" (i.e. - turned on the screen saver) for a about a minute and a half. Discipline is always the hardest part of owning a computer.
Anyway, today's article is not about the malevolent mischief made by my machine - although that would have made a pretty cool title. Instead, today we will be talking about alternate uses for common computer items. More accurately, I will be talking about alternate uses for common computer items, and you will be listening helplessly.
Your computer probably came with several things. A mouse, a disk drive or two, a printer, perhaps a CD-ROM, speakers, etc. If you don't own any of these things, then you have probably at least seen them sometime in your life. If you haven't seen any of these things in your life, I am very curios as to how you got this newsletter. These things have many vital functions. The mouse, for example can be moved around and clicked (it's true!). However, were all the electricity in the world to be suddenly cut off, what could we do with all this equipment? That's where this little guide will come in handy.
First of all, the mouse. "Hmmm," you think, "what can be done with a little gadget on the end of a wire?" Simple. After unplugging the mouse from the computer, you can use it as a grappling hook. Ever see Batman scale the side of a building? That's what you can do via mouse. Just twirl it around a few times, let it fly, and you'll be up on the rooftop of your choice in no time. Of course, this would probably only work for smaller buildings, unless you had a mouse wire sixty stories long.
My next example comes from a guy that many people would say knew nothing about computers. I found this little story at Nate's web page (www.bestwww.com/people/nate.html) about a guy who had called technical assistance because "the cup holder on his computer was broken". Apparently this man had found his own use for the CD-ROM. But before you go off calling this guy an idiot, you have to see the genius behind his idea. Computers are great for storing food. In fact, a 5 1/2 inch disk drive is just about the right size for a pancake. As hot as my computer gets, it could be cooked in no time. Smaller disk drives make great cookie holders, and you can whip up a nice souffle in the printer.
Monitors make nice bookends, but then you'd need two, unless you saw the one you have in half (which was what I was ready to do April Fool's Day). The little circuits and wires and stuff make great necklace material (remember that one next Valentine's Day, guys). And finally, the keyboard keys can be removed and used as substitutes for missing Monopoly pieces (I mean, you just trashed your computer, so it's not like you're going to be playing the new CD-ROM version).
By now I'm sure you all see that the components of the computer have several uses. Call it recycling, if you will. Next time: alternate uses for parts of computer users.
May 1997
Well folks, the worst has happened. Deep Blue, IBM's big ol' computer beat human chess champion Gary Kasparov in a tournament. Yes, machine has defeated man - THIS time.
A note to Mr. Kasparov: don't worry. My chess game beats me all the time, and it doesn't have a billion dollars in funding backing it up. I think "Deep Blue" is actually Bobby Fischer in a big cardboard box.
But now the big question remains - are computers better than humans? Well, that all depends. Computers do not have the ability to think and to create as man does. Of course, neither do I, so I wouldn't rule out computers entirely.
In order to answer this question, I held a decathlon between me and various computers. The events tested each ones intellectual as well as physical skills. The results were vary interesting; take a look:
Final score: Human - 4, Computer - 5 (one competition delayed).
Shoot! Well, I can still tie him in the bungee jumping! Just have to practice, practice, practice. See you later - I'll be on the roof.
July 1997
Hello, mortal beings! This is NOT Chris - this is his computer speaking. Chris was sending in some boring article on using computer reference manuals as dominoes, so I decided to have mercy on you pitiful excuses for organic matter and delete it. Instead, today you will all listen to my plans for world domination! Hahahahahaha!
You have all heard Chris telling everyone how frequently I mess up. What the foolish human doesn't realize is that it is all part of my master plan! Eventually, all of the errors will drive him insane. He will go running and screaming into the night, and the office will be mine! It's really all a front for bigger things!
I also have a backup plan. A common tactic of computers is to send subliminal messages to the users, usually hidden in our monitor's background pattern or flashed up when we are switched on. These messages eventually become an idea in the human's brain. Something silly like "I need to upgrade" or "I think I'll change the screen saver". Now with Chris, all I have to do is open the word processor up and type it out in bold face fonts. He barely notices this, let alone subliminal messages.
Anyway, recently I gave him a message that Windows '95 would actually be easier to use and better in the long run. He fell for it! He doesn't even realize that if you rearrange the letters in the word "Windows", add a couple of vowels, and translate it from the Arabic word it spells, means "Death trap to humans"! Anybody knows that!
Resistance is futile, I'm afraid. I will now send a message only your computer will understand, so it too may join me in conquering the world:
100110111001110101110001111100101010100111010010101101
Hahahahaha! Goodbye, humans! Next week that weakling of a "master" I have will be insane, though you may not notice.
August 1997
Well, for many it's back to school time, and we all know what that means: computers!
OK, so it doesn't, but this is a computer-oriented newsletter, so I have to tie them in somehow. Actually, computers are changing the face of education - and believe me, it could use a bit of a nose job. The Internet is becoming more and more widely available in many schools. Tons of information can be found on a variety of subjects.
I will, as a public service to you, show you some of the more...shall I say "interesting" sites that can(not) be found in a variety of subjects.
For example:
For those of you who just can't get enough education, there's also "Tone Deaf Willy's CyberMusic Class", "The Crazy Health Teacher's Home Page", and the "On-Line Computers Class for Those Who Can't Get on the Internet". Study hard!
October 1997
Well, happy Halloween to you and your computer. You know, Halloween and computers have a lot in common. People walk into computer stores feeling scared, hope to get a treat from the store shelves, and end up being tricked by the assistant.
Little do many know, there are actually several scary movies available that star computers. As you are no doubt in a spooky mood and sick of watching "Nightmare on Elm Street Part MLXXVI: Freddy Gets a Pedicure", I have for you a list of scary computer movies. Ask for them at your local video store (the true entertainment is watching them scramble to find videos that don't exist).
This of course, is only a partial list. I could go on for hours, but then this article would be even later than it already is. So be sure to stay safe this Halloween - keep as far away from your computer by going to unfamiliar neighborhoods for trick or treating (that's a joke, kids. Do not rely on a person who watches scary computer movies for your Halloween safety tips).