Ever paid attention to those articles on scientific studies? You know, the ones that tell us that eggs are bad for us one week and then turn around and tell us that wait a minute! Eggs are actually good for us!
Hopefully your answer is "no", because the articles usually end up looking something like this...
AP - Preliminary research has suggested that ducks, geese, and other such birds may increase the risk of death.
The study was conducted by the Biological Organisms Research Institute for National Growth (B.O.R.I.N.G.). The B.O.R.I.N.G. report was released last week at a B.O.R.I.N.G. gathering. Death being as yet incurable, many B.O.R.I.N.G. scientists were alarmed by the news.
"This is a very alarming find," commented Lars Borson, director of the institute. Borson is said to have brought B.O.R.I.N.G. to new heights. "This could mean the end of hunting and perhaps even gun usage of all kinds."
Upon hearing Borson's comments, an NRA spokesman announced that he could think of at least one use.
The study involved scientists feeding samples of roast duck to lab mice. After observing the over the course of several years, it was noted that they all eventually died (the mice - not the scientists). Their fowl diet is thought to be the cause.
"This is truly breakthrough research," said one of the scientists involved with the project. "We're talking Nobel Prize here."
AP - A report sponsored by the American Waterfowl Upkeep League (A.W.F.U.L.) has refuted an earlier report produced by scientists at the Biological Organisms Research Institute for National Growth.
The A.W.F.U.L. report maintains that there is nothing wrong with eating ducks and other closely related birds.
"We conducted the exact same study with the exact same breed of mice under the exact same circumstances and the only thing that died was our request for grant money," said Dr. Gosling in an interview with Duck Eating Illustrated.
There are still several questions surrounding the study (primarily why an organization devoted to the upkeep of waterfowl is now encouraging people to eat them). Many A.W.F.U.L. scientists also point to other potential factor such as the temperature the duck was cooked at, the parts of duck served, and the type of sauce it was prepared in.
"There are still many questions out there," remarked Gosling intelligently.
AP - Scientists at the Biological Organisms Research Institute for National Growth came out with a follow up to their previous report stating that the meat of ducks and other birds was harmful to eat. The report also confronted arguments from scientists affiliated with the American Waterfowl Upkeep League.
The study maintained the scientists' previous research by killing more mice. The report went on to state that the findings by A.W.F.U.L. were bogus and viciously accused them of "creating a race of supermice, immune to ducks".
Upon hearing this, scientists at A.W.F.U.L. said that not only were the accusations ridiculous, they came in one of the strangest sentences they had ever heard.
The B.O.R.I.N.G. report also suggested that the rival scientists were "mindless fartknockers", but evidence to this theory was inconclusive.
Many are now wondering if there can be a solution incorporating ideas of both documents. There is currently a search for a report for both B.O.R.I.N.G. and A.W.F.U.L. scientists.
AP - Scientists at B.O.R.I.N.G. responsible for proving ducks and other related birds to be harmful were awarded the Nobel Prize yesterday for their efforts. The scientists celebrated over a much healthier meal of red meat and eggs last night.
"We're so deeply moved, it's tough to put into words," said Professor Thatch, one of the recipients. He then made several comments concerning scientists at A.W.F.U.L. that could not be reprinted.
Scientists at A.W.F.U.L. seemed to hold no such grudge, but did suggest where the award could be stowed by the B.O.R.I.N.G. scientists.
Meanwhile, a mob of protestors gathered outside Jim's Hunting Shop in Memphis, TN, objecting to the store's promotion of the killing and eating of ducks.
"Fortunately they're a militant group," said Jim. "I've never had better business."