(You Know You're Watching Too Much Keeping Up Appearances If...)
YKYWTMKUAI... is a list which has been compiled containing all the little oddities that we Keeping Up Appearances addicts tend to do. I have developed most of these situations from my careful observation of what people say in the KUA mailings and bulletin boards, along with my personal conversations with fellow KUA addicts like myself. Special thanks must be given to all the individuals who have given me idea's for the list. Enjoy!
1.) ...you answer the telephone by saying, "The (fill in your surname here)
Residence, the lady of the house, speaking."
2.) ...you answer the telephone by saying, "The (fill in your surname here)
Residence, the lady of the house, speaking," and you're a man!
3.) ...you spend your hard-earned money on plane tickets to England in the
hopes of catching just a glimpse of one of the KUA stars.
4.) ...you have written or phoned your local PBS station on more than one
occasion expressing your extreme disapproval of their pre-empting KUA with
yet another Yanni special (never mind, it is the duty of any KUA fan
to do this).
5.) ...you consider Patricia Routledge's acting talents to be a national
treasure.
6.) ...when non-dedicated KUA fans protest that Patricia Routledge can't
sing well, you correct them.
7.) ...when non-dedicated KUA fans protest that Patricia Routledge can't
sing well, you correct them then cite examples from your rather large collection
of CD's, tapes, and records (all starring Routledge) as 'proof' of her
talent.
8.) ...you have bought your very own white slim-line telephone with last
number redial.
9.) ...you suddenly have a desire to go church cleaning.
10.) ...you begin to address animals in a personified way (now horse, pay
attention dog, ect.).
11.) ...you truly believe that "people who try to pretend they're superior
make it so much harder for those of us who really are."
12.) ...people with hyphonated last names begin to really annoy you.
13.) ...the site of a Rolls Royce really impresses you.
13.) ...the site of a Mercedes really impresses you, but not as much as a
Rolls.
14.) ...you invent a wealthy sister so you can describe her as the one who
has a Mercedes, sauna, and room for a pony.
15.) ...the thought has ever occurred to you that Patricia Routledge and
Clive Swift should be married in 'real life.'
16.) ...Royal Doulton with hand-painted periwinkles has ever been on your
Christmas list.
17.) ...you send Christmas cards to yourself (you consider it a favor to
those who have misplaced your address... you're sure they's like to
think they sent you a card).
18.) ...you shudder at the sight of people writing 'Merrie X-Mas' on their
greetings cards.
19.) ...you have ever met Geoffrey Hughes in person and were honestly shocked
that he was wearing a jacket and tie.
20.) ...you are reading this list and thinking, "Too much KUA... nah,
impossible."
21.) ...you go to a gardening center to buy a bucket and accidentally ask
for a bouquet (don't laugh, it's easy to do).
22.) ...you go to a gardening center in the hopes of spotting C.P.
Bennedict.
23.) ...you named your pet 'Sheridan.'
24.) ...you named your child Sheridan.
25.) ...you ever begged your PBS station to air 'Allo 'Allo simply because
the postman from KUA played Herr Flick in the last season of 'Allo 'Allo.
26.) ...you have ever planned a candle light supper.
27.) ...you have ever planned an outdoors-indoors luxury barbecue with finger
buffet.
28.) ...shopping has become more time consuming ever since you decided to
start looking for the Royal Warrant before you buy anything.
29.) ...before you do anything you ask yourself if Hyacinth would
approve.
30.) ...your ideal spouse has the mentality of Richard.
31.) ...you insist on facing the window.
32.) ...you started inviting your neighbors to tea.
33.) ...you have every episode on tape.
34.) ...you have every episode in order on high quality tape along with 'The
Memoirs of Hyacinth Bucket' and Josephine Tewson's Newton Commercial.
35.) ...you have every episode in order on high quality tape along with 'The
Memoirs of Hyacinth Bucket' and Josephine Tewson's Newton Commercial but
still buy all the BBC produced tapes as well (the quality is so much better,
you see).
36.) ...you have ever organized, or taken part in, a plan to get an interview
with Clive Swift (I am pleased to say that such a plan was very
successful).
37.) ...you have ever organized, or taken part in, a plan to get the BBC
to produce a KUA bloopers tape.
38.) ...Hetty Wainthropp Investigates is your second favorite television
show, after KUA of course.
39.) ...you have ever caught yourself whistling the theme tune.
40.) ...you know the career histories of Clive Swift's and Patricia Routledge's
stunt doubles and can tell at a glance whether a KUA scene uses the
double or the real thing.
41.) ...the accusation that Hyacinth is obnoxious or that Richard is a wimp
makes you wild with anger.
42.) ...if someone does accuse Hyacinth of being obnoxious or Richard of
being a wimp you become wild with anger and instantly correct the culprit
with a 20 minute monologue explaining why they are wrong.
43.) ...you have ever looked up Bucket in the phone book.
44.) ...you have ever looked up Routledge, Swift, Hughes, Tewson, etc.
and actually called them in the hopes of finding some connection to
one of the KUA stars... a distant cousin, perhaps?
45.) ...when your brother-in-law comes to visit you insist that he wear a
jacket and tie.
46.) ...after seeing Hyacinth and gang on the QEII, you make taking a similar
trip your new life's goal.
47.) ...Mr. Lucas is your new favorite character on Are You Being Served?
because he is played by Trevor Bannister who once had a guest role on KUA.
48.) ...you have memorized the Bucket's alarm pin number. Bonus points if
you made your home alarm's pin number the same thing.
49.) ...you are still reading this list.
50.) ...minor differences between the 1990 season and the 1991 season are
very noticeable to you.
51.) ...you noticed Emmet's apparent weight loss. Bonus points if you can
explain why he lost the weight.
52.) ...PBS lists you as a trouble-maker because of your constant threats
of what you'll do if they ever even think of cancelling KUA.
53.) ...you have insisted that your postman recognize your house as a first-class
stamp house and then ring his superiors when he doesn't.
54.) ...you've ever dreamed about KUA.
55.) ...'Annie Get Your Gun' and 'The Boyfriend' are your two new favorite
musicals.
56.) ...after seeing Hyacinth's version of 'Annie Get Your Gun' you listen
to a copy of the great Ethel Merman in the same musical and wonder why
she's so out of tune.
57.) ...you do a Yahoo! search (or any other internet search) on KUA at least
once a week.
58.) ...you and your KUA fans rival even the most hard-core Star Trek fans
for obsessiveness.
59.) ...you begin to wish your mother was a little more like Hyacinth
Bucket.
60.) ...after pausing your tape of a KUA episode (taped in order on a high
quality tape, of course) and obtaining the title of Daisy's library book
of the week, you rush out to your local library or bookstore to obtain the
same book for yourself.
61.) ...you have ever searched garage and/or rummage sales looking for the
perfect television set -- one that only works if it is pounded on.
62.) ...you have started to acquire some very grand looking hats similar
to those which are worn by the Queen Mother.
63.) ...by using a series of deductions and mathematical calculations you
have successfully figured out exactly where Richard went wrong when
he typed the wrong pin number into the alarm system.
64.) ...after seeing that the Bucket's have eaten Corn Flakes, Corn Flakes
become your cereal of choice.
65.) ...you memorized the names of all Rose's boyfriends.
66.) ...Cotswold Cremes become your new favorite cookie.
67.) ...you have ever searched and searched for a recipe for a Bacon Butty.
68.) ...'Oh nice' is your new phrase to say when things don't go as
planned.
69.) ...you are honestly shocked that KUA doesn't make the Nielson Top Ten.
70.) ...Hyacinth Bucket's Hectic Social Calendar and Hyacinth's
Book of Etiquette for the Socially Less Fortunate are proudly displayed
on your bookshelf.
71.) ...when you have an etiquette question, you instinctively consult
Hyacinth Bucket's Hectic Social Calendar and Hyacinth's Book of
Etiquette for the Socially Less Fortunate.
72.) ...you now call you dad, 'Daddy.'
73.) ...your garden suspiciously contains only Hyacinth's, Violet's, Daisy's,
and Rose's.
74.) ...brochers for the QEII and the Orient Express are proudly displayed
subtly in your home despite the fact that you have no plans to take a trip.
75.) ...your life is not complete because you don't own your own little country
get-a-way.
76.) ...when people comment on the weather you comically reply that it is
'completely conducive to contiplating cozy charismatic country cottages.'
77.) ...visiting stately homes has become your new favorite past-time, followed
closely in second place by looking for iron-age remains.
78.) ...when you do visit stately homes you insist on standing by
the private family area.
79.) ...when you are a passenger in a car, you consider it your duty
to help the driver keep a look out for danger by constantly reminding them
to mind the pedestrian, cow, cyclist, tree, ect.
80.) ...you begin to look for new, inventive ways to pronounce your last
name.
81.) ...you start to refer to your athlete's foot as 'gout.'
82.) ... if you, or a loved one, should be fortunate enough to actually develop
gout, you brag about it to all your friends. It's a Duke's disease, you
know!
83.) ...you know that Patricia Routledge won a Tony Award in 1968 for 'Darling
of the Day.' Bonus points if you actually own a cast recording of the
production.
84.) ...Philistine's, null, and ignoramious (or should that be ignoramii?)
are your favorite insults.
85.) ...you have ever spent the time to figure out the titles of all the
books on Hyacinth's bookshelf in the opening credits of the show (sorry Carole,
I couldn't resist this one!).
86.) ...after meeting an actor from KUA, say...Josephine Tewson, you spend the next three days writing up a 5,500+ word documentary on your meeting.
87.) ...you make it your life's mission to mold your next-door neighbor into someone just like Elizabeth.
Thank you to everyone who has contributed. This list wouldn't be as complete as it is without you. More will be added periodically so check back often.
Do you know you watch too much Keeping Up
Appearances? Tell me about it
and it may just end up on this list.