ONE PILGRIM'S JOURNEY

I was born in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Georgia, near the Tennessee, North Carolina borders. It was a very laid-back community where everyone was somehow related, neighbors helped each other, and everyone knew everyone else's affairs. We had one store, one Post Office (which was one in the same) and one church. That constituted the entire metropolitan area. Needless to say, the church was of the Baptist faith. And, needless to say, it also was, "the only true way."

Even as a child I was very devout, very sincere, very dedicated. My school mates all had their childhood fantasy vocations. Doctors, nurses, firemen, etc. My life's ambition was to be "good"; to please God. It didn't always work out work that way, but that was the way I wanted it to be. Our Church sermons were harsh and spoke of hell fire and brimstone. I spent my entire youth being scared to death. I had many many nightmares about Lucifer burning holes in the floor of our house, trying to get inside to stick a pitchfork in me and toss me in the flames, because I said "damn" on the way home from school, or some other unpardonable sin.

I was a sinful person and I could not help it. My feet longed to dance. O how I wanted to dance, but in those days it was sinful to dance. (God has changed his mind now, and allows Baptists to dance) Sometimes when I was all alone in the house, where no one would see, I would turn on the radio, and I would dance until I could scarcely stand. Of course I didn't know any real dance steps, but I loved to dance. But when night came, and the guilt of my transgression caught up with me, I shivered, and prayed forgiveness. But none of that prohibited the nightmare of Satan forcing me to dance around a huge bonfire gauging me with his pitchfork every step I took. In these modern times, the world don't seem to know too much about Satan's pitchfork, but it was very real in those days.

I attended church faithfully, never missing a service, lest the Devil claim me for not attending church. I have also oft sat in the church and trembled with fear, because of the damnation and hellfire the minister was preaching down on us all. It was irrelevant that God is Love, the issue as always that "hell is hot" Then he would calm down from his shouting hell fires and damnations, and would accuse, "Some people just use Christ as a fire escape!" That was the one issue I questioned in my mind all my life, from very small childhood. If hell is so hot and so eternal from which there is no escape, what better reason? (If one believes such dogmas).

We are evidently suppose to love God with all our hearts, all our souls, and all our minds, because He will throw us in the fire if we don't. I could never seem to get it straight just what sins God was going to throw you in the fire for doing, and what sins the devil threw you in the fire for doing.... either way, ending up in the fire seem to be almost a certainty.

Life moves along, and eventually I graduated high school, married a wonderful, kind, generous, loving man who has made life very pleasant for me. Thus, I sat about to bring up my own clan of "Good Baptist, only true way Christians." And I did my job well!!! They are devout, it is I who has gone astray....or so they think. In my husband's family there was no conflict of interest in our marriage, for he too came from a devout Baptist family. So now I, a Baptist, with Baptist parents, siblings, in- laws, husband, and three Baptist children whom I helped mold and instill moral values into. Eventually I became a grandmother, still holding to the tradition of the clan.

I always thought that even if my parents had not brought me up as a Baptist, that I would have chosen that path on my own when I got old enough. Oh, what a brainwashing we get from our environment, before we are old enough to think for ourselves. Unfortunately, we go through life, most of us thinking things are our own idea, and never realize the number that has been done on us from the day of our birth.

I was fifty years old before things started to change for me. Suddenly I was hearing things that had been said all my life, but evidently (like all the rest) never actually listened, or comprehended. Suddenly it was all so idiotic. I am not saying here that these people are quacks. On the contrary, they are good people, sincere and devoted to what they believe. The same as I had been all my life. They are honest, compassionate, dedicated. But evidently they have never really listened to what they themselves teach. If you ask a question concerning the Scriptures, which they can't explain, the cop out is that God never intended us to understand it all. So, it doesn't matter, it is God's will that we don't understand, we must just accept on faith, and not question God.

The true explanation here is that we are all on the ladder of evolution, but we are all on different rungs. Those above us will help us up, if we extend our hand to them. Those on the rung below us, we must help pull them up....but only if they extend their hand to be helped. Earlyne Chaney (Astara) had to reach a long way down the ladder when I extended my hand. She had to do a lot of tugging and pulling... but thankfully, I kept reaching!

One of my first noticings, was at a funeral. Now if you think it is God who judges who goes to heaven and who goes to hell, you best attend a Baptist funeral. They grope at the flimsiest of straws to loop-hole the departed soul to heaven. Most times they cannot bury their dead until they find some hope of their salvation.

Salvation comes through "getting saved" which constitutes going to the altar and inviting Jesus into your life. If it 'happens' then the seeker is "saved" and once saved never lost, because the Bible says that we are saved through Jesus' blood and not one drop of his blood will be lost. I have never found anyone who could show me exactly where that was found in the Scriptures, yet they quote it freely. Defined "getting saved" means to be "born again" and from that moment on, even if you kill, rob, steal, lie....etc........ God is going to punish you, of course; but it will be in this life....there is no way you can miss heaven now, because you have been "saved" (i.e. born again).

I have already said it was at a funeral that I first took notice of the illogic of the teachings. The deceased was a 19 year old girl named Peggy. Peggy was young, and beautiful. She was also a girl of ill repute, drug addict, thief, and a few more non-virtues of public record.

It was sad, the parents were crying, "If we only had some hope for her soul, we don't know if she has ever been saved." (Now we have a problem, these grieving parents cannot bury their beautiful daughter without hope of her soul) They, yea, the entire community, sat about seeking someone who could give them hope. (This is not an isolated incident, I have witnessed it many times, though never as ridiculous as this particular one.) Finally a girl who use to live near them, a childhood playmate, who moved away about 10 years before came to the funeral home, to pay her last respects to Peggy. Pegg's parents went to her weeping, "We are so glad you came, it wouldn't be so hard to give her up if we just had some hope for her soul." The friend was even more deeply saddened by this news. She went and sat alone in a corner of the room for a while, then she came back to the parents and said, "I just remembered something. When we were about 9 years old, She and I and a couple more children were playing in the shade of that old apple tree at the back of your lot. We were playing church, I was the preacher, another the singer, etc. And the now departed was suppose to go to the altar and play like she 'got saved.' They all played their parts, and when it was over Peggy (the now deceased) got up to testify to what the Lord had done for her, saving her soul." The friend told the parents, "I have always believed that even though to the rest of us it was just a game, Peggy really got saved that day, because she was so happy her face almost glowed when she stood up to testify." Hallelujah! Now we can bury Peggy and send her soul to heaven.

I had witnessed this occurrence to some degree all my life, and it seemed like the natural thing to do. But this was different, though I did not know how so. Two thoughts went through my mind. This was the most outrageously desperate clutching at straws I had ever witnessed, not only was it not our place to judge, but what we decree, in respect to someone's destiny, does not make it different in God's eyes. (Remember I was still a Baptist, and believed that the soul actually went to heaven or hell.....black and white, no gray areas.) I did though, now see that it was wrong to try to "figure out" where the deceased had "gone."

In the past, it had elated me, as it did all the mourners, when it was "discovered" the deceased had gone to heaven. This time was different! It was not because I knew Peggy, and her, shall I say, "extracurricular" activities, one of which had taken her life. It was not that I personally felt she should be in hell! It was the irony of the entire concept. This was the turning point. I began to listen to everything.

Next was the actual funeral service of poor departed Peggy. The minister got up to deliver the message, and began, "Mother, dad, brothers, sister, relatives, friend, .... Peggy is up in heaven right now, walking with Jesus, holding his hand and talking with Him. If she could speak to you now, bereaved loved ones, she would say to you, 'Do not mourn, if you could but see the splendor, the happiness, you would not grieve, but be happy for me.' She would say, "I would not want to come back, even if I could.' "

And so the eulogy continued, about what a wonderful person she was...always smiling, always cheerful, (if she wasn't crouched up in a corner in a fetal position, doped out of her mind!) forgive me, I didn't have to throw that in, I did it for a reason. Although it is true of her, I said it not to condemn her, but rather to say I have learned that people do not attain sainthood just because they die. The conclusion of the eulogy went something like this: "We are going now to place Little Peggy in her earthly grave, but don't grieve mom and dad, one of these days that old grave is going to burst open and Little Peggy is going to come forth with a shout and meet Jesus in the air.... because we have hope of her soul!"

MY GOD! I thought, are these people listening to what he was saying? I knew they were not, because for 50 years, I had heard those same words at numerous funerals, and until now never actually reasoned out what was being said... in the Baptist faith you merely accept, you don't question, even if the plot is contradictory to itself. Twenty minutes ago, Peggy was in heaven walking around on the golden streets holding Jesus' hand and would not come back to earth even if she could. Now, twenty minutes later she is being taken to be placed in the ground, there to sleep until judgment day. Then the grave will burst open and she will come forth. I was saying to myself... "The Bible speaks of the mysteries of God, but the biggest Mystery of all had to be exactly what transpired in that 20 minutes between walking and talking and holding hands with Jesus in heaven, to the point where she was laid in the grave to sleep until judgment day. The minister, I knew well, an intelligent educated man. Attended a famous seminar to get his minsters license. He could quote the Bible practically cover to cover from memory. Yet, he never ever listened to what he had been taught or what he was now saying!

It was shortly after Peggy's death that I became extremely ill. I am talking excruciating pain...agony. I not only though I was going to die, I prayed for it, that is how badly I was suffering. My mother came to visit, she did not come with our Church pastor, but they arrived at the same time. Their timing was bad, because I was at the worst of my suffering....so intense I was crying; and I moaned in self pity, "What have I ever done to deserve to be punished this way?"

I don't rightly remember just who said what, only that what was being said, my mother was backing up the minister, and vice versa. "You may not have done anything, it could be that your grandfather stole a horse, or something like that. (honest to God, I'm suffering because my grandfather may have stolen a horse?) "The Bible says," they explained, "that the sins of the forefathers are inflicted upon the children down to the fourth generation."

That did it, What kind of God allows man's destiny to be placed wherever his family and community judges him to go? What kind of God lets the departed go to heaven and stay until their burial, then they have to go back to earth and sleep in a grave until he decides to come for them? And here I am suffering death because my grandfather stole a horse?" What kind of God are we serving? Now mind you, at no point did I ever feel that my God was an unjust God, it was the revelation that the God they were serving was a created monster. Not one of Compassion, Wisdom, and Love.

Almost simultaneously I received an invitation in the mail from an Organization based in Upland California. They acclaimed that they were a Mystery School, they teach and explain the Mysteries of God. It appealed to me. In those days, it was only $5.00 for three lessons.... I decided to see what they had to say. I sent for them. At the end of the three lessons, I was torn, I had had 50 years of devout Baptist teachings and brainwashing from the day of my birth. One cannot lay that aside casually. Yet, at the same time the words I read in the Astara Lessons rang as truth to the very core of my being.

This lady was saying that Earth is a school. We came from God, we will return to God, and we keep coming back to earth again and again. The same as if we were in an earthly school, finishing one grade before going on to another. We evolve in each life, according to our efforts, same as in earthly academic schools. We do not come once, take our best shot, and end up in heaven or hell! She is teaching reincarnation here.

I knew of reincarnation, but the only concept I had ever heard of, was that of people coming back as a bug, or rat, or some filthy gross insect. That concept seemed entirely to heathen and pagan for me to even consider. But this lady is saying, we grow, we evolve, until we become worthy to 'go out from the father's house no more." O, what a beautiful concept! SO worthy of a Loving and Gracious God! How I wished I could believe it. Life would be so much more meaningful if I could know that this teaching was truth. The truth is, that it was ringing true inside me so much so that it would not let go, yet I still had to work my way through the fifty years of Protestantism.

I was still in a critical physical state. I wrote to this Lady. Her name was Earlyne Chaney, she is not with us any more, she made her transition at the age of 81, last year (1997). But at that time, I have never found a more caring, compassionate, and knowledgeable person on the face of the earth. I had told Doctors how unrelenting was my pain. They would shrug, as though they didn't doubt that I was hurting, but not to the degree which I was claiming. Yet I really was hurting that bad.

Earlyne could feel my pain, she would write, "O you poor thing, you are in such pain, we are doing all we can.... " I questioned everything. She never got weary at my questions, nor the volumnous letters I sent trying to disprove her 'teachings'. Once I wrote, "If there is no burning hell, then please explain to me why a man I knew M.H. died screaming that he was going to hell, his feet were already burning." To me (and all others around him) this was sufficient proof that there was a burning hell. For sure it certainly put room for reasonable doubt to Astara's teachings!

Earlyne sweetly wrote back....several pages, explaining, M.H.'s agonizing death proves more than you realize. First of all he believed that he was dying and going to hell, because he had not "been saved" as was taught by his church. Therefore; he experienced hell as he made his transition. It was part of his belief system. Those observing his passing was shown that the flames were not real, only a pigment of his imagination. (The dweller at the threshold) She assured me that in time M.H. would come to the realization that the flames were his imagination, and in this realization he will have been purged, ready to go on to the astral plane suitable for him at this stage of his evolution. It could have been one of life's most valuable lessons, but instead, because of their ignorance, it served to instill the eternal hell fire concept within them even more.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I thanked God. These teaching are true, I said, "Lord, what a beautiful plan you have devised for us to whom you have given the opportunity to become the Sons of God." No longer was it as easy as merely "getting saved", i.e confessing in church that you have sinned. It is hard work, to attain a higher consciousness.... read, read, study, serve, meditate, pray....and keep your eyes ever planted Godward. It is the only way to go back home, to return from the Father's house no more.

Having come to the realization of truth, my heart sang and was elated. Alas, my troubles were only beginning. My mother who is in her late 70's as well as my children, my neighbors, my relatives began shunning me, gossiping about me. It has been testified in the church pulpit that I have let some "Old Satanic Cult" (Astara) brainwash me and drag me out of the true church to worship Satan. My husband has been more tolerant than the others, but I know he silently prays that I will come to my sense soon, and come back to the fold before it is too late.

My mother, has been the most harsh to me. She has no tolerance for Cults. I do not say this disrespectfully toward my mother, but she feels so strongly about the Baptist faith that she thinks there are only two religions... Baptist (the only true way), all others are Satanic cults; and that also includes other protestant churches. Many dear friends and relatives have shunned me and quit visiting because they fear that the true church will think they have 'sinned' by association.

My own mother has not entered the portals of my home in more than 10 years now, for fear of contamination. I visit her, and she cringes, as if she thinks some of it will fall off on the floor and she might step in it, in which case she would end up in hell too. I have sent light to her and offered up prayers for her all these years. Sometimes I say to her, "Mama, neither of us is getting any younger. I wish we could come to some compromise while we are both still on earth." She replies, "It is not me who left Christ, it is you. There can be no reconciliation until I leave the Satanic Cult and get back into the Church I was brought up in." I ask where is her Christian love, where is her parental love? She says that in her life God comes first, and she isn't going to turn her back on God for no person, not even her own child. She quotes the Scripture, "come ye out from among them, and be ye a separate people." (sin by association) She sees herself in the same predicament as Abraham when he was told to sacrifice Isaac on the altar as a burnt offering. She is willing to sacrifice me and my love for her, as proof of her devotion to God.

This is not just an amusing story I am telling, to have something to write. My mother will be 80 years old in May of this year. She is a heart patient; with valves and a pacemaker. She is old... she is not going to be with us much longer. It hurts, it hurts so much I cannot describe. This has gone on for ten years. Nothing has changed, things are not getting better.

My parents aren't rich, but they have managed to accumulate a few thousand dollars. My mother just last week persuaded my dad to take their life's savings out of the bank and distribute it (all of it) amongst the other children, some grandchildren, and one great grandchild. They now are paupers. They have not a dime to their name. WHY? To insure that I do not receive one dime. She says she doesn't intend to skimp and save all her earthly life, in order to accumulate a few dollars, then have her daughter (me) take their hard earned savings and donate it to a Satanic Cult. She is speaking of ASTARA.

Lest it appear that I am boasting my innocence in the dilemma of the family conflict. Let me hasten to point out that my parents live in a mobile home in my back yard...my land, my mobile home...rent free. I moved them here about 12 years ago because they were getting old, so I could take care of them. I cook their meals. I change the bed linens, I do their laundry, I even keep their lawn mowed. I drive them to the Doctor. She doesn't like me doing it, but she has no choice in the matter, and in light of that fact, God excuses her for being around me when it is out of her control, but he (GOD) would never forgive her if she deliberately came to my house, fifty feet from her door. I have been asked how I endure it. In Astara they have a slogan which states that An Astarian In need Never Walks Alone. I have found this to be true, tried and tested many times..... yet, It is not Astarianism that I am promoting here. No matter what your personal spiritual convictions may be, you will always find that those sincerely seeking God never walks alone. But it entails even more, He has promised that he will not allow more to be put upon us than we can endure. It is out of these hardships, these heartaches, these trials that we are tested, that we grow, that we attain.

My friends Mysticism is not as easy as just "getting saved" then going on to heaven in a handbasket. It is hard work, it doesn't win you a a lot of friends, but end results will be worth the labor. To those new on the path I offer this advise to you. Never think you are not making any progress in your spiritual life, just because you aren't having experiences other mystics proclaim. There is never a sacrifice offered, never a prayer spoken, never a helpful hand given to your fellow man, never a moment spent in devotion or meditation, never an eye turned toward God, that a degree of progress has not been made. The path is long, and the progress slow, but in time we shall all attain. A cross country walk has to start with one single step, then another, and another........

To all who read these words I send love and light. The Love given to me by my Heavenly Father, and the Light that his Son Jesus the Christ shines within my being, that in some small way I may share that Light with the world.

```` Astalea

>>

BACK TO MAIN INDEX

-----------------