|
|
|
||||||||
Repeat visitor? Looking for the latest sure-fire material? Click here-- Show me the new stuff!
(Image courtesy of LCARScom.net)
|
For several years now, I have been writing and posting Star Trek-related Top Ten Lists on the AOL Star Trek Club Forum Message Boards. Here I have cut, copied, culled, and collated some of what I consider to be my best efforts, based on reader reaction and mainly what I think is just plain ol' funny! |
I invite your comments, critiques, brickbats, and bouquets! Tell me how great I am! Call me a dirty, low down S.O.B.! Any and all monetary donations accepted!! E-mail me: E2JORL@aol.com
From the Home Office at the top of the Steps of Mount Seleya...
Top Ten Signs you have an all-Vulcan crew
10) No one, absolutely no one, will laugh at any of your jokes
9) Your ship's dedication plaque motto reads: "Ship dedication plaque mottoes are illogical"
8) Every 3-D chess tournament ends in a draw
7) Sehlat guano everywhere!
) On your crew roster you have both an Ensign Taurik AND an Ensign Vorick who claim to be two different people...yet you HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM TOGETHER!!...
5) Ships Stores always out of Q-Tips and earmuffs
4) Your crew's idea of a fun evening: Ship-wide Eyebrow Lifting Contest
3) Your efforts to organize an "Amateur Jam" night meet with failure when all 432 crew members volunteer to play the lute
2) Spock, Tuvok. Tuvok, Spock. Surak, Sarek. Sarek, Surak. T'Pring, T'Pel. T'Pel, T'Pring. Saavik, uh..the other Saavik...
And the Number One sign you have an all-Vulcan crew...
1) Every seven years: PA-A-A-A-RTY!!!
Hang on to your pocket protectors and glasses, boys and girls, this one's gonna get scary!...
From the Home Office at the bottom of a compost pile somewhere in Connecticut...
Top Ten changes to Star Trek:First Contact if the Borg Queen had been played by Martha Stewart:
10) She has 47% of the Enterprise converted to Hydroponics
9) New Borg catch phrase: "Resistance is futile. Assimilation is A Good Thing"
8) Assimilated crew members use any spare time they might have to dust
7) She hand-weaves new shielding for the Borg Cube using nothing but some white thread, scrap muslin, and Bev and Deanna's discarded padded bras
6) She insists all ship's graphic displays are to be hand-stenciled
5) Instead of wanting Picard to become Locutus again, all she really wants to do is show Patrick the lovely and elaborate cross-stitched sampler she made tracing the Stewart family tree back 47 generations
4) After blowing on Data's arm instead of "Was it good for you?, she asks "Was it A Good Thing for you?"
3) Borg oozing gore now used for lubricating gardening tools
2) Data's various appendages will now slice, dice, mince, chop, mix, blend, puree, julienne...
And the Number One change to Star Trek:First Contact if the Borg Queen had been played by Martha Stewart...
1) Leftover non-Borg parts of assimilated crew members, when hollowed out and gaily hand-painted -and with candles inserted- give a warm inviting glow to Engineering
From the Home Office right behind my big ol' shiny belt buckle...
Top Ten episode titles if Star Trek were written by Country & Western music writers
10) Data Went Down To Georgia
9) You Don't Have To Call Me Darlin', Darmok
8) Turn About And Do-Si-Do, Intruder
7) 11001001-BR549
6) City On The Edge Of Fort Worth
5) If Wishes Were Horses, I Reckon I'd Have Me A Whole Herd
4) May The Great Bird of the Galaxy Fly Up Your Nose
3) Looking For Par'Mach In All The Wrong Places....Hey, wait! That's a real title...
2) Move Along Home, Little Dogies
And the Number One episode title if Star Trek were written by Country & Western music writers...
1) Don't It Make My Gold Eyes Blue
***NOTE***The following Top Ten list is my personal favorite!!
From the Home Office on Mulberry Street...
Top Ten lines of dialog if Star Trek had been written by Dr. Seuss
10) COMPUTER SCAN: "One Ship. Two Ship.
Red Ship. Blue Ship."
9) PICARD: "The Grinch has stolen our Christmas.
He has taken our fun.
And I will make him pay
For what he has done!"
8) SPOCK: "The needs of the many
Outweigh the needs of the few.
Just keep that in mind
Next time you feel blue!"
7) O'BRIEN: "Captain! Captain!
A ship! A ship!
Dukat is on another trip!
He is wearing his new hat!
Yes, Captain,
Dukat in the hat came back!"
6) JANEWAY: "From near to far,
From here to there,
Strange things that glow and throb.
We're Starfleet officers, Mr. Kim.
Weird is part of the job!"
5) KIRK: "Tribbles, Tribbles everywhere!
Tribbles, Tribbles in my hair!
Over
Tribbles I might trip,
Get
these Tribbles off my ship!"
4) KHAN: "He tasks me and I shall have
him!
I shall chase him in a plane!
I shall chase him on a train!
I shall chase him on a boat!
I shall chase him with a goat!"
3) SPOCK: "Captain, please don't shoot
That
angry Horta!
She's just protecting her eggs,
Like
a good mother orta!"
2) MARTOK: "Ouch!
That hurt!
You cut out
my eye!
Perhaps today
IS
A good day
to die!"
And the Number One line of dialog if Star Trek had been written by Dr. Seuss...
1) PICARD: "I do so love
Tea, Earl Grey, hot!
I do so love it!
Thanks a lot!"
From the Home Office in my parent's basement...
Top Ten signs you're at a bad Star Trek Convention
10) One of the dealers is chopping the heads off action figures and selling them as "Special Decapitation Series Available Only At This Convention"
9) The "Leeta Inflatable Doll" you just paid $62.50 for doesn't look anything like Chase Masterson
8) Wil Wheaton is in the parking lot trading autographs for Egg McMuffins
7) The only Star Trek celebrity nude photos you can find are of Ethan Phillips
6) The advertised "Starfleet Shuttle 'Galileo' Display" looks an awful lot like a white Lumina minivan
5) Closest thing to a member of the Star Trek production staff that would appear is the guy who trims Brannon Braga's nose hairs
4) Local television news reporters keep asking "Where the hell is Chewbacca?!?"
3) Trivia Contest winner doesn't even know what the "T" stands for
2) Not even Jimmy Doohan would show up
And the Number One sign you're at a bad Star Trek Convention...
1) All the costumes in the Costume Contest are from Babylon 5
From the Home Office in your mother's bosom...
Top Ten things Star Trek mothers have said
10) MRS. KIRK: "Jimmy! Can't you keep that thing zipped?!?"
9) KES' MOM: "Geez, you're a pain in the back!"
8) MRS. McCOY: "Dammit, Leonard, I'm your mother not your slave!"
7) WORF'S MOM (Klingon): "For the last time- Stop pulling the targ's tail!!"
6) WORF'S MOM (Human): "Worfie...Maybe you should take up a sport...Like say, SOCCER?"
5) MRS. TROI: "You know, Deanna, I always really liked that nice Nurse Chapel..."
4) GARAK'S MOM: "Are you lying to me, young man?!?"
3) MRS. JANEWAY: "I don't have time, Kathy...Figure out how to do your own hair..."
2) MRS. PICARD: "Don't worry, Jean-Luc...I'm sure male pattern baldness isn't hereditary."
And the Number One thing Star Trek mothers have said...
1) MORN'S MOM: "Will -You -Please -SHUT -UP?!?!??"
From the Home Office inside an old pair of slippers...
Top Ten things Star Trek fathers have said
10) MR. KIRK: "Jim, I'm glad we could have this little talk...You've taught me things about The Birds And The Bees I never knew!..."
9) BEN SISKO: "Jake, get a job, ya bum!"
8) AMBASSADOR SAREK: "My son, cleaning your room is the logical thing to do."
7) KES'S DAD: "Gosh, it seem like only yesterday you were born...Oh, wait, it was yesterday!..."
6) MR. BASHIR: "Remember now, Jules...If anybody asks- you suddenly got so much smarter using "Hooked On Phonics"...
5) MR. LAFORGE: "Keep your eye on the ball, son...Ooooo geez, I'm sorry!..."
4) ROM: "Nog! Stop staring at your new stepmother's enormous breasts!"
3) JACK CRUSHER: "I'm dead, Wes."
2) GUL DUKAT: "Ziyal, I just want you to settle down with a nice fellow with a steady job...maybe, a tailor?...WHAT AM I SAYING??!?"
And the Number One thing Star Trek fathers have said...
1) MOGH, DAD OF WORF: "Pull my finger, you filthy P'TaQ!!"
From the Home Office in Baggage Claims...
Top Ten warning signs The Borg have taken over your airline
10) "Welcome aBORG!"
9) Passengers in First Class receive all the way-cool holographic eye implants; those in Coach just get those funky arm grippers
8) "Ladies and gentlemen- This is your Captain speaking. We'll be reaching a cruising altitude of 47,000 feet...with a brief layover in the 21st Century to alter the course of Human history!"
7) Inflight movie: Robocop
6) "Freedom and self-determination are irrelevant. Prepare to be assimilated...and while you're waiting, enjoy this complimentary bag of peanuts!"
5) "We're sorry, but due to the added weight of your Borg implants, your seat cushion will no longer function as an effective floatation device."
4) "The Captain has turned on the 'No Smoking' sign...Please extinguish all burning life forms and return your seat to an upright position."
3) "Passengers, please make sure your leftover body parts will stow safely under your seat or securely in an overhead compartment."
2) "You mean to tell me you're all part of a huge, multi-mind collective with the combined technology of thousands of worlds...and you STILL lost my luggage?!?..."
And the Number One warning sign The Borg have taken over your airline...
1) Three words: "Coffee, Tea, or Lubricants?"
From the Home Office under the thong...
Top Ten things that would happen if the Borg assimilated Victoria's Secret
10) Five words: The Breasts Of Both Worlds
9) Instead of saving the Enterprise, Wesley spends all his time locked in the bathroom...alone...
8) Leggy Super Models, Leggy Super Models, nuttin' but Leggy Super Models!...Oh, wait! That's one of the benefits!...
7) "We are the Borg. Freedom is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. You WILL go crotchless."
6) Wait till you see the next Starfleet uniform redesign for Bev and Deanna, fellas! Woo Hoo!! (But where will they pin their comm badges??)
5) The Borg Queen now played by that future Oscar winner, Kathy Ireland
4) Riker provides an answer to the Burning Question- Boxers or Briefs?
3) "Scorpion, Part 2" reveals that Species 8472 is actually a front for Frederick's Of Hollywood
2) "Let me slip something more comfortable into your eye socket, Locutus..."
And the Number One thing that would happen if the Borg assimilated Victoria's Secret...
1) Gives a whole new meaning to the term "First Contact"! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
From the Home Office under something blue...
Top Ten things said if Deanna Troi came to Worf and Jadzia Dax's wedding
10) SISKO: "I now pronounce you man and, uh, Old Man..."
9) TROI: "I sense....great philandering..."
8) DAX: "Nice wig, Shorty!"
7) TROI: "Are those spots or zits, Stringbean?"
6) WORF: "C-Captain, are y-you sure the Defiant isn't needed somewhere, um, on the far side of the Gamma Quadrant?..."
5) QUARK: "Five strips of latinum on Dax!"
4) DAX: "L-l-l-l-l-l-l-let's get ready to r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rumble!!!!"
3) BASHIR: "Would you ladies consider doing this naked?"
2) ODO: "Good idea, Doctor. I can provide the Jell-O!"
And the Number One thing said if Deanna Troi came to Worf and Jadzia Dax's wedding...
1) TROI and DAX: "Worf....we're gay!!"
From the Home Office in the stirrups...
Top Ten things Star Trek characters have said while in labor
10) Worf's mom: "Damn! Those forehead ridges hurt!!"
9) Quark's mom, Ishka: "How much latinum would an epidural cost me?..."
8) Spock's mom, Amanda: "I'll be *damned* if I'm going through this every seven years, Sarek!..."
7) Worf's mate, K'Heleyr: "Let's see...Alexander is gonna be 19 years old in DS9's sixth season...So I guess that means I'm giving birth to an eleven-year-old!...Whoa!!"
6) Kes' mom: "Oy! What a backache I'm having!..."
5) Kira: "Actually, it feels good just to lay down and get off those heels for a while..."
4) Beverly Crusher: "I'll be happy as long as the baby is healthy...and doesn't grow up to be a weenie!..."
3) Chakotay's mom: " 'Does it hurt' you ask me, husband?...Let me tell you a story of my people...Once there was a squaw named Lorena Bobbit who turned the tables on her chief..."
2) Spot: "Mee-Yow! This hurts...Hey, wait a minute!...I'm a male...I can't have kittenssssss...Oh, great! Now I'm a turning into sssome kinda lizsssssard!...."
And the Number One thing Star Trek characters have said while in labor...
1) Scotty's mom: "I'm gonna blow!! I canna take any morrrrre!!!..."
From the Home Office in Sector 38 Double-D...
Top Ten proposed catch phrases for Seven Of Nine
10) "Hello, my eyes are up *here*!...Hell-LO!?!"
9) "Why, yes, they *are* fully integrated components...and thanks for noticing!"
8) "From The Mountains!...To The Valleys!..."
7) "Bringing new meaning to the term 'unzipping program'..."
6) "So r-r-round, so fir-r-rm, so fully-packed!"
5) "Hit 'em with both barrels!"
4) "Must...maintain...BALANCE!....Must not...tip...OVER!..."
3) "Seven Of Nine- The only Star Trek character ever to receive the full endorsement of both Beavis AND Butt-Head!"
2) "Thanks for the mammaries!"
And the Number One proposed catch phrase for Seven Of Nine...
1) "Star Trek: Voyager- Serving The Male Teen Demographic Since 1995!"
From the Home Office at the YMCA...
Top Ten lines of dialog in a love scene between Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock
10) SPOCK: "How do I love thee? Allow me to enumerate the probabilities..."
9) KIRK: "Trust me, Spock...You're gonna look great in this gold lame' bra!..."
8) SPOCK: "The needs of the many outweigh
The
needs of the few.
And
right now, Captain,
What
I need is *you*!"
7) KIRK: "Dax was right, my Vulcan friend...You're so much more handsome in person!...Those eyes!!..."
6) SPOCK: "Pon Farr, Schmon Farr!"
5) McCOY: "Dammit Jim, I saw him first!"
4) KIRK: "Watch the hair!...Watch the hair!!..."
3) SPOCK: "Jim, these sensations are...fascinating..."
2) SCOTTY: "Captain, it won't work! You canna change the laws o' physics!!"
And the Number One line of dialog in a love scene between Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock...
1) KIRK: "Engage! Disengage! Engage! Disengage!..."
Order early for Christmas and avoid the rush!
From the Home Office at Playmates, Inc. ...
Top Ten new "Rock'N'Roll Series" Star Trek action figures
10) Build Your Own Keith Richards Soong-type Android!
*Note* Some assembly
required
*Note* This also applies to the _real_ Keith Richards
9) "We're So GRATEFUL They're DEAD" Memorial Series!
Includes- Tasha, K'Heleyr, Bariel, Seska, Suder, et al.
Hold Your Lighters (not included) High In Tribute!!
8) Star Trek Spice Girls Boxed Set!
Orion Slave Girl Spice
Yeoman Spice
Counselor Spice
Dabo Girl Spice
"Angel-Of-Mercy" Edith Keeler Spice
7) KISS, The Klingons!! (Surprisingly little difference from the actual KISS...or from actual Klingons!)
6) Two words: Disco Data!!
5) Fab Four Captains Series!!
Jim, Jean-Luc, Ben, and Kathryn as John, Paul, George, and Ringo!
Contains Bonus CD of W. Shatner, P. Stewart, A. Brooks, and K. Mulgrew
"singing" Trek versions of Beatles classics such
as:
"Lucy In The Sky
With Dilitium"
"Let It Be, Make
It So"
"I Wanna Hold Your
Tentacle" And More!!
4) Deanna Troi And The Supremes!!
3) Changeling Michael Jackson! -Comes Complete With 15 Interchangeable
Noses!!
(*Note* It is _strongly_ recommended that you
store this particular figure as far away as
possible from any Wesley figures...)
2) 3-In-1 Hanson Brothers Redshirts Set!! (Includes Real Exploding Rocks For "Dynamite" Interactive Fun!!)
And the Number One new "Rock'N'Roll Series" Star Trek action figure
1) Elvis Presley - Pakled!! Pull his string! He really sings!!
"Well-a,
it's a-one for th' money!
Two
for th' show!
Three
t' get ready!
Now
It Will Not Go!"
From the Home Office atop the highest bough...
Top Ten ways Star Trek characters might personalize their Christmas cards
10) TROI: "I sense....Great Joy!"
9) KIRK: "Dear <INSERT NAME HERE>, this Holiday Season, there's no one I'd rather meet under the mistletoe than you!"
8) BEVERLY CRUSHER: "Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
But
the fire is so delightful!
Jean-Luc,
I know you love me so...
Make
it so! Make it so! Make it so!"
7) SEVEN OF NINE: "All I want for Christmas is my Two Front...Oh, wait! I already have THOSE!!"
6) CHAKOTAY: "Let me tell you a story I heard in my youth...A tale of a snowman and a magic silk hat..."
5) SCOTTY: "We're goin' too fast, Santa! The reindeer canna take any morrrre!!!!"
4) THE JEM'HADAR: "We're dreaming of a White Christmas!"
3) McCOY" "He's born, Jim!"
2) PICARD: "Nog, with egg. Frothy!"
And the Number One way Star Trek characters might personalize their Christmas cards...
1) WORF: "Jingle THIS!!"
From the Home Office in Corridor 47...
Top Ten things to say to a naked Tuvok
10) "Gee, Commander...You look, uh, cold!"
9) "Say, I'd like to get a Vulcan Death Grip on THAT!!"
8) "Aww, don't worry, Tuvok...Logic dictates that size doesn't matter..."
7) Uh, sure, Tuvok...Those Talaxian tailors you traded the warp plasma with DID do a lovely job on your new clothes..."
6) "Tuvok, did Seven Of Nine just go by here?...Oh, never mind, I can see she did!..."
5) "Oooo, Tuvok! Can I apply a Vulcan pinch to those cute lil' butt cheeks?..."
4) "Only once every seven years and that's it??...Your wife must be 'thrilled'..."
3) "Sometimes, Commander, the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many...Now, get over here and FILL MY NEEDS!!"
2) Mr. Tuvok...I knew Mr. Spock...I worked with Mr. Spock...Mr. Spock was a friend of mine...Mr. Tuvok, you are NO Mr. Spock!"
And the Number One thing to say to a naked Tuvok...
1) "It is...it is...it is green!"
From the Home Office in the Park to the South...
Top Ten Star Trek "Kenny"s
10) From any random episode: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed a Redshirt!! Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed a Redshirt!! Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed a Redshirt!! Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed a Redshirt!! Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed a Redshirt!! Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed a Redshirt!! Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed a Redshirt!! Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed a Redshirt!! Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed a Redshirt!! Those bastards!!
9) From Man Trap: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed the Salt Vampire!! That sucks!!
8) From Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed Spock!! Now he wants to direct!! That bastard!!
7) From Star Trek III: The Search For Spock: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) You killed my son!! You...Klingon...bastard!!
6) From Skin Of Evil: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed Tasha!! Not to mention Denise Crosby's career!! Those bastards!!
5) Star Trek fans after watching Star Trek: Generations: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed The Franchise!! Those bastards!!
4) From Basics, Part 2: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed Seska and Suder!! But, but, they were the best characters on the show!?! Those bastards!!
3) From Sacrifice Of Angels: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) You killed Ziyal!! Damar, I'm gonna have Kira kick your ass again, you bastard!!
2) From Emanations and Deadlock, et al: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed Harry!! And he won't stay dead!! That bastard!!
And the Number One Star Trek "Kenny"...
1) Wishful thinking: Oh, my God!! ( ((x x)) ) They killed Wesley!! Thank you, bastards!!
From the Home Office on Music Row...
Top Ten Star Trek Country and Western song lyrics
10) Prop Me Up Beside The Replicator
If I Die!
Lord, I Wanna Go To StoVoKor,
But I Don't Wanna Go Tonight!
9) I'm Gonna Fly Me To Mercury
And Cruise It Into Time Warp Mode!
8) This Here's The Queen Of My Double-Wide Starship,
With The Polyduranium Bulkheads And The Redshirts, Dead!
7) I'm Greener Than Green,
Sadder Than Sad.
Bein' An Orion Slave Girl's
The Only Life I've Ever Had!
6) By The Time I Fly The Phoenix,
She'll Be At Warp Speed!
5) Stand By Your Man!
Give Him Six Arms To Cling To!
4) Sung by Major Kira as she fell off her broken boot:
You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me, Loose Heel!
3) I Hear The Ship A-comin',
It's Landin' 'Round The Bend,
And I Ain't Seen The Sunshine Since I Don't Know When.
I'm Stuck In Rura Penthe, With All These Damn Klingons!
2) Here's 25 Strips Of Latinum,
Call Someone Who Cares!
And the Number One Star Trek Country and Western song lyric...
1) Boldly Goin' Again,
Just Can't Wait To Boldly Go Again!
The Life I Love’s Explorin' Space With My Friends,
And I Can't Wait To Boldly Go Again!
From the Home Office inside a ridiculously overpriced box of Cracker Jacks...
Top Ten OTHER sports-inspired Star Trek episode titles
10) “Balance Beam Of Terror”
9) “Galileo Seven, Red Sox Five”
8) “City On The Edge Of Making The Playoffs”
7) “The Mafia-run, Money-laundering Gamesters of Triskelion”
6) “Facemask Of The Enemy”
5) “Starship First Down, Goal To Go”
4) “Fair Trade For A First Round Draft Pick And Two Players To Be Named Later”
3) “Mighty Casey Biggs Has Struck Out”
2) “Let’s Get The Puck Outta Here!”
And the Number One OTHER sports-inspired Star Trek episode title...
1) “Spock’s Jock”
In light of Star Trek: Insurrection falling from first to fourth in its second weekend’s box office totals...
From the Home Office at the Dollar Matinee theater...
Top Ten projected titles for Star Trek 10
10) Star Trek: The Wrath Of The Studio Executives
9) Star Trek: Straight To Video
8) Star Trek: At Least We Ain’t Babylon 5!
7) Star Trek: Hey, We USED To Be Popular, Dammit!
6) Star Trek: Where’s Jim Kirk When You Really Need Him??
5) Star Trek: Cindy Crawford Nude! (Not really, but if it sells a few tickets, what the hell!..)
4) Star Trek: Buy A Ticket, Get An Action Figure!
3) Star Wars, Whoops, We Mean Star Trek: The Phantom Menace
2) Star Trek: Let The Paycuts Begin!
And the Number One projected title for Star Trek 10...
1) Star Trek: Save Our Franchise!!
LLLLAAADDDIIIEEESSSS ANNNND GGGGEENNNNTTTLLLLEEMMMMEEENNNN.... From the Home Office in this corner!....Wearing the gold, blue, and red trunks!!...From San Francisco, California!!!...
Top Ten Star Trek professional wrestlers...LET’S GET READY TO RRRRUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!!
10) The Spockinator!
9) “Stone Cold” Reg Barclay!
8) Big Boss Morn!
7) Gorgeous George Takei!
6) Wesley “The Aluminum Can” Crusher!
5) Broken Bones McCoy!
4) Harry Kim, “The Underachiever”!
3) The Marquis de Sisko!
2) Landru “Are You Of The Body?” Ventura!
And the Number One Star Trek professional wrestler...OF ALL TTTIIIIMMMMMEEEE!!!!...
1) Jim Kirk, “Big Trunks”!
From the Home Office wherever the heck it is that the Voyager writers keep character motivation. Because they sure as hell forgot to include any when they wrote "Fury"!...
Top Ten reasons Kes was so pissed off in “Fury”
10) Worst case of menstrual cramps EVER!
9) Worst old age makeup prosthetics EVER!
8) Stupid Trekkies keep calling her “Ezri”
7) Really, really, really wanted to wear the long, curly wig
6) “Love Bug” computer virus had just crashed her hard drive
5) Missed the Big Game lottery jackpot by ONE damn digit!
4) “...Gained...too much...weight! ...Tunic too...tight!!...”
3) Mistakenly thought she was part of a special on Fox-- “When Keebler Elves Attack!”
2) Angry that Jeri Ryan thought of the “Hey, if I date Brannon, I’ll get more screen time!” ploy before she did
And the Number One reason Kes was so pissed off in “Fury”...
1) Turns out her big comeback show was just a lame excuse for another crappy time travel episode
From the Home Office behind Regis’ monochromatic tie...
Top Ten Star Trek “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” final answers
10) REG BARCLAY: “My f-final answer is ‘B’. No, w-wait! ‘C’! N-no, no...I’m s-sorry, it’s ‘A’! No, ‘D’...Oh no, now I’ve wet myself!...”
9) SPOCK: “Applying precise methodology and logical deduction to the inquiry displayed, I have arrived at the incontrovertible conclusion that the quaternion of postulated responses is the result of erroneous research on your part and, in fact, has no bearing whatsoever upon the previously stated query.”
8) THE BORG: “We are the Borg. We will need to use our ‘phone a friend’ lifeline. Prepare to have your studio converted into an interplexing beacon.”
7) WORF: “Your question is without honor! Show me another question or I will kill you where you stand!!”
6) SCOTTY: “My final answer is ‘D’. No bloody ‘A’, ‘B’, or ‘C’!”
5) QUARK: “One million dollars? You hew-mohns! Always thinking so small! Enter into a business contract with me, Regis, and I’ll show how to turn that into some real money!”
4) MCCOY: “Dammit, Regis! How should I know the answer? I’m a doctor, not a psychic!”
3) KES: “Screw the question! I’m blowin’ some more stuff up!!”
2) SEVEN OF NINE: “My final answer is ‘D’. And please resist the urge to make a comment regarding ‘cup size’.”
And the Number One Star Trek “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” final answer...
1) PICARD: “ ‘B’, Earl Gray, hot!”
From the Home Office in Phat City...
Top Ten ways the last eleven episodes of Star Trek: Voyager will be slanted to attract a younger, hipper audience
10) “Please state the nature of the medical emergency” replaced with a succinct “ ‘Sup?”
9) Commander Tuvok tragically killed by Hirogen hunting party when his new manner of wearing his uniform pants jacked down around his lower hips proves to be a hindrance to efficient locomotion
8) All characters suddenly develop complete lack of interest in and respect for proven societal protocols, accepted behavioral norms, established historical context, or pretty much anything that may have happened more than two years ago
7) Tom and B’Elanna’s baby discovered the be the reincarnation of teen pop sensation Christina Aguilera
6) Delta Flyer replaced by totally bitchin’ Dodge PT Cruiser
5) All thoughtful debate and reasonable discourse on any given issue reduced to one of the following-- “It sucks!” or “It rules!”
4) Naomi Wildman arranges surprise guest appearance by MTV’s hunky Carson Daly
3) At the end of each episode, one Trekkie is voted out of the convention
2) Two words: Slutty Cheerleaders
And the Number One way the last eleven episodes of Star Trek: Voyager will be slanted to attract a younger, hipper audience...
1) Goodbye, Kathryn Janeway. Hello, K. Lo!
From the Home Office at the U Pretend Network...
Top Ten UPN plans to give Star Trek: Voyager a big sendoff
10) Running all promos for the series finale on The WB
9) Apologizing to the Chinese for the whole damned thing
8) Nationwide contest to guess Jeri Ryan’s bra size
7) Nationwide contest to guess Brannon Braga’s ego size
6) Hand-etched, limited edition, commemorative plaque issued to every Voyager fan. No, really...both of them!
5) Lavish, expensive, formal, red carpet party where each guest is issued a claw hammer and a crowbar and ordered to begin dismantling the sets in order to make room for Series 5
4) Tossing the entire regular cast off a bridge...
3) ...47 times.
2) Hour-long, prime time special highlighting all the best moments from Voyager’s seven year run... Uh, tell ya what, how about a half-hour special after “Moesha”?... Umm, would you believe five minutes of highlights before the local weather update?... How about 30 seconds of clips in-between matches on “WWF Smackdown”?
And the Number One UPN plan to give Star Trek: Voyager a big sendoff...
1) “You ARE the weakest Star Trek link... Goodbye!”
From the Home Office on Stage Eight...
Top Ten things overheard this week on the set of ENTERPRISE
10) “Oh boy!... Whoops, wrong show... I mean, ENGAGE!!”
9) “Okay, I’ve been running the betting pool for guessing the first time the words ‘temporal anomaly’ turned up in the shooting script... Who picked ‘Tuesday’?”
8) “Where the hell is Chewbacca?”
7) “I play ‘Dr. Phlox’? I’m named after a flowering perennial? Geez, why not just call me ‘Dr. Pansy’ and get it over with?!?”
6) “Hey look...! It’s William Shatner in old age make-up, playing Captain Kirk’s grandfather! Oh wait, he actually looks like that! Eww.”
5) “Say, when do we get to meet Gene Roddenberry?”
4) “Did I watch the VOYAGER finale? Hell, I didn’t even know that show was still on!”
3) “Okay, who stuffed the restroom waste cans with all these copies of Jolene Blalock’s photo spread in Maxim Magazine?”
2) “For the last time, Brannon... I am NOT going to sleep with you just to increase my screen time! And call me ‘Mr. Bakula’!”
And the Number One thing overheard this week on the set of ENTERPRISE...
1) “Dude, where’s my career?”
From the Home Office on Rigel 10...
Top Ten things I learned watching the ENTERPRISE premiere
10) “Temporal cold war” is actually new Paramount jargon for “reset button”
9) The expanding universe theory must be accurate because, in the 22nd century, you can get to Qo’noS at whole lot faster at warp 5 than you can at warp 9 in the 24th century!
8) Near as I can tell, Cardassians and Talaxians must be biologically compatible
7) I always thought “sweet spot” meant something else entirely. And I ain’t talkin’ baseball!
6) James Cromwell will do dang near anything for a paycheck
5) Never challenge a genetically engineered Suliban to a limbo contest
4) Puppies is cute!
3) Butterflies is tasty!
2) Decontamination chambers is cold!
And the Number One thing I learned watching the ENTERPRISE premiere...
1) Osmotic eels suck!
From the Home Office inside a stolen thruster suit...
Top Ten surprises in the new Star Trek: The Motion Picture DVD
10) All moments of bad acting deleted from final cut. Total running time now 17 minutes.
9) Addition of wacky new digitally created crewman, Lieutenant Jar-Jar
8) Exterior of V’Ger spacecraft shown to be giant advertisement for Yahoo.com
7) Audio commentary track reaches high point when all participants make fun of William Shatner’s toupee
6) Hilarious “blooper” section shows various cast members tripping over those stupid built-right-into-the-pants shoes
5) “Crying Spock” scene replaced by more emotional “Leonard Nimoy cashes his paycheck” scene
4) Subtle use of foreshadowing as Engineer Scott now sports massive waistline and three extra chins
3) CGI starship Enterprise pre-loaded with Windows XP
2) Kirk now has a beagle
And the Number One surprise in the new Star Trek: The Motion Picture DVD...
1) All hair digitally removed from the other end of Persis Khambatta
From the Home Office in the Shadows of My P’jammies...
Top Ten things to say when your Vulcan science officer falls on you and lodges her breasts in your face
10) "Best contract clause EVER!"
9) "Well, this cinches it! Of all the universal physical laws, gravity is my favorite!"
8) "Sure Trip got to rub jelly all over her half-naked body, but look what I get to do!"
7) "Gee, T'Pol, aren't you even going to buy me dinner first?"
6) "Of course, I'm unfamiliar with Vulcan customs... Maybe this is dinner!"
5) "According to the boys down at the Vulcan consulate, this ain't exactly where no man has gone before!"
4) "If only Hoshi were tied up with us, then you'd have a damn TV show!"
3) "I sure hope my phase pistol doesn’t go off early. If you know what I mean."
2) "Hmm, they look even less real close up."
And the Number One thing to say when your Vulcan science officer falls on you and lodges her breasts in your face...
1) "Thank goodness Gene Roddenberry's dream of a better future where your Vulcan science officer can fall on you and lodge her breasts in your face has finally come true!"
Are you a glutton for comedy punishment? Just can't get enough of these amazing Top Ten lists? Here's a few more I recently moved to free up a little extra space here on the main page: More Top Tens!
![[40ISH.gif]](40ISH.gif)
One of my most vital and important functions is to serve with the valiant crew of the fabulous U.S.S. Fortyish, NCC-1940, a Tepid class starship currently assigned by Starfleet to an uncharted space sector (If we were prone to paranoia, we might suspect the brass of trying to get rid of us!). I am proud to serve aboard ship filling the important position of Acerbic Comments Officer, providing those acerbic and scathing comments at a moments notice! Visit our home page and find out more! If you dare!! |
 My Strange New Worlds 2 contest entry
and what went wrong
|
 My Strange New Worlds 3 contest entry
and what went wrong |
My Strange New Worlds 5 contest entry and what went wrong
 Finding yourself bored to tears listening
to the same old lame "Classic Rock" and "Top 40 Pop" songs over and over
and over again? Well pally, here's a link to my favorite radio station:
89.9 WDVX They are
now web-casting over the Internet! So visit their web page and enjoy!
And remember...It's 100% guaranteed Shania-free radio!!...What
more incentive could you possibly need?? |
 |
Paramount's Official Star Trek site |
 |
The Titanic Tower of Top Tens |
And... |
|
 |
Star Trek Sounds and Sights Galore! |
 |
A Good Source For Trek News! |
|
A Nifty Site For Star Trek, Comic Book, and Other Movie Icons! |
 |
Believe It
Or Not, Other People Besides Me Can BeFunny! |
![[DC Comics logo]](DCCOMICSLOGO.GIF) |
DC Comics, the home of the REAL superheroes!! |  |
OK, if you insist...Visit the home of
the other superheroes, Marvel Comics! |
|
Here's an excellent "all-purpose" comic book site! |  |
A swell bunch of guys! |
![[dave.gif]](dave_top.gif) |
When I grow up, I wanna
be just be just like my TV pal, Dave! |
 |
Enjoy the Nectar of the Gods... Diet Dr. Pepper!! |
You are visitor since
July 21, 1998.
Ain't you proud? ;-)
![[Duck Dodgers]](claim.gif) |
 |
Department Of Thoroughly Annoying Legal Niceties:
(Note--all of this material
was written by me. You are more than welcome to quote it or link to
it at your discretion, but
please credit me when you do. Trust me, I'm one big, mean, bad ass
dude, and you do NOT want to cross me, Pally!)
Star
Trek and all related characters, images,
and concepts are the property of Paramount Pictures, a division of Viacom,
Inc. (Motto: We Are Viacom. You Will Be Assimilated). Their use here is strictly
for the enjoyment of the reader and is not
intended as any manner of copyright infringement, so get the hell off my
back, you bastards! And grow a sense of humor,
why doncha?
The DC Comics and JSA logos are copyrighted by DC Comics and are also not intended as any kind of infringement and, frankly, constitutes free advertising, so what's the problem, you dig?
Marvel comics logo? Marvel Comics. Ditto. 'Nuff said.
Daffy Duck, Duck Dodgers, and Porky
Pig and their respective images are the property of Warner Brothers.
Also,
Looney Tunes cartoons are 58.7% funnier than Disney cartoons. So there!
Neener, neener, neener!
This web page was created using
