This is a Les Miz parody by me and my older sister. We started it, but never finished. Maybe one day we will, but for now, this is all. This is our version of what would happen if they turned Les Miz into an action movie (sort of).

Starring (in order of appearance):

Jean Valjean: Arnold Schwarzenegger

Javert: Steven Segal

Bishop Miyagi: Pat Morita (of "The Karate Kid")

Fantine: Fran Drescher

Young Cosette: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (Full House)

Mme. Thénardier: Kathy Lee Gifford

*In order to get the most out of your reading experience, it is necessary to imagine the voices of these actors saying the lines.

Prologue

Scene 1

Jean Valjean punches the window of a bakery and the glass shatters.

Valjean: Oh vey! Mein hand!

He grabs a loaf of bread.

Valjean: A very fine rye! It will be perfect with a little Grey Poupon.

Two police officers who are standing nearby hear the noise and come running to the scene. The first officer runs at Valjean, throwing a donut at him.

Officer 2: (running after the donut) Not the Boston cream!

Thinking that the cop is going to attack him, Valjean picks up the donut and squirts the cream in his face. While the second officer is licking the cream off his own face, Valjean hits the other one over the head with the loaf, breaking it in two. It doesn't stop him. Valjean grabs a second loaf: a hard, stale loaf, and hits him again. The second officer comes at him from behind. Valjean quickly turns around and stuffs a piece of the bread in the cop's mouth. Before he's even finished feeding his opponent, the other officer hits him in the head with his nightstick, knocking him unconscious. Anyway, it was a good thing that he didn't give the bread to his family, what, with all those little shards of glass in it.

Scene 2

Nineteen years later Valjean is about to be released from prison on parole.

Javert: Here's your yellow ticket of leave. (Written on the back is "Do not laminate.")

Valjean: What's this sh**? I thought I was getting out of here!

Javert: Don't worry, it's a pretty sturdy piece of cardboard. You won't need to laminate it. It's no big deal. It just means you'll be ridiculed and ostracized from the community.

Valjean: Oh, ok. I though it might interfere with my social life or something.

Javert: But if you screw up again, I'll find you. Wherever you go, I'll be there. Don't forget that. Don't forget my name.

Valjean: You never even told me your name!

Javert: (pretending to hold a cigarette) Bond, James Bond.

Valjean: Aren't we in France?

Javert: Oh yes. Then my name is Javert, but it just doesn't sound as cool.

Valjean: Look Javery, why are you so intent on following me around? Don't you have better things to do?

Javert: It's JAVERT, and I do it because it is my duty!

Valjean: Doody?! Damn it Janet, what do your bowel movements have to do with me?

Javert: It's JAVERT!

Scene 3

Valjean wanders through the streets. Bishop Miyagi pops out of the Bonzai tree garden where's he's hiding in the one foot high foliage.

Bishop Miyagi: Come, I give you food and shelter.

Valjean comes inside.

Bishop: Why you have German accent? You Vichy French?

Valjean: Why are you Chinese? We're both supposed to be French!

Bishop: Chinese must teach French to be more aloof. Now they simply rude.

The Bishop gives him Chinese food. Valjean reaches for a fork.

Bishop: No, use chopsticks.

Valjean struggles to use the chopsticks and looks longingly at the fork.

Valjean: If he doesn't want to use his silverware, I might just have to take it. (Looking up at Miyagi) Oops, I think I said that out loud.

In the middle of the night, Valjean, resentful about having to use chopsticks, steals the bishop's silverware, because even paupers need good cutlery.

Scene 4

The next morning, two policemen bring Valjean to the bishop's door.

Officer 1: This man claims you gave him this silver as a gift!

BishopMiyagi: I gave him silver. I use chopsticks. What you want?

Officer 2: Come on, holy man, we're not buying that poo-poo!

Officer 1: (putting his hands on his hips and shaking his butt back and forth) Liar! Liar! Pants on Fire! Why are you sticking up for this butthead, anyway?!

Before they even know what's happening, Miyagi grabs the two men and bangs their heads together, knocking them unconscious.

Valjean (amazed): How did you do that? You're so small!

Bishop: Size not matter. It skill. You not ready to face those police officers. You must train. I teach you art of karate.

Valjean: You're right! I never realized how poor my fighting skills were! I'm just so large - it never occurred to me!

Bishop: Come. I teach you. Karate may actually work when used by large white man. You wax my carriage, like this. (demonstrating the technique) Wax on. Wax off. Wax on. Wax off.

Valjean (following his example): Wax on. Wax off...

Part I

Scene 5

Several years later A department store owned by the mayor, Valjean. Several female workers are standing around waiting for their pay.

Salesgirl 1: That Fantine really gets on my nerves! Acting like such a saint! She drives me crazy!

Salesgirl 2: OhmyGod! She's such a b****

Fantine is reading a letter.

Salesgirl 1: What's that? (Grabs the letter from Fantine's hands) "Fantine you must send us more money. Cosette needs a doctor. There's no time to lose..."

Fantine: Give me that letter!

Fantine grabs the girl's hair and flings her to the ground. The girl grabs some makeup from the display and applies some to Fantine's face in a most unflattering way and pulls out a mirror. Fantine sees herself in the mirror and screams, horrified at her unfashionable appearance. The girl takes advantage of Fantine's distraction and lifts her up with her feet, flinging her into the clothing display. Fantine grabs a heavily padded bra from the display and puts it on the girl's head, covering her eyes with the cups.

Salesgirl 1: I'm blind! I'm blind! And this underwire is cutting into my face!

She frees herself from the bra and starts hitting Fantine with the it. Fantine grabs a top hat and pushes it in and out at the girl's face, causing her to drop the bra.

Perfume Spray Girl: I hate Violence! The calming scent of "Serenity" will diffuse the hostility.

She sprays. It has no effect.

Perfume Spray Girl: Be at peace! (Sprays more vigorously) Be at peace! Be at peace! Be at peace, I say! (Holds down the spritzer until the bottle is empty.)

Finally the two woman begin to choke on the thick, scented fumes. Valjean arrives on the scene.

Valjean: What's that stench?

Spray Girl: (very self-righteously) "Serenity," the new fragrance from Lancôme.

Valjean: (To Manager) I trust you to work this out.

Valjean leaves.

Salesgirl 1 (to Manager): You're just going to let her get away with that?! She's a slut! Just look at that makeup! Fire her!

Manager: Fantine, you're fired!... And take a bath!

Scene 6

Fantine, inspired by her torn clothing and garish makeup, takes up the life of a prostitute...a picky prostitute. A man begins to harass her.

Man: I think I'll try something new. (Leering at Fantine) I haven't seen this one before.

Fantine: (putting up her hand) Talk to the hand.

Prostitute 1: You go girl!

Man: Excuse me!

Fantine: Give it up and dance!

Man: This is outrageous!

Fantine: And you're so ugly! My God, even I have standards!

Prostitute 2: Amen, sister!

He grabs Fantine. She bites him.

Fantine: (revealing her unsightly fangs) I'm going to give you the choice I never had.

She scratches and punches him until he starts covering his face and flailing his arms.

Man: (whining) Owww! Stop it!

Javert arrives on the scene.

Javert: I demand to know what's going on here.

Fantine: Nothing, sir (wiping the blood from her hands)

Man: She's lying! She's a vampire!

Javert: I know, they're all creatures of the night.

Man: No, she's really a VAMPIRE! (Jumping up and down)

Fantine stands there, looking innocent. Javert turns his back for a moment. Fantine bears her fangs threateningly and hisses at the man.

Man: See! She's a vampire!

Fantine: Phlegm.

She does it again when Javert's back is turned.

Man: Look! She did it again!

Javert turns to see Fantine wearing an innocent expression. She looks at Javert, making a gesture to indicate that the man is crazy. He nods.

Javert: (to other officers) Arrest this woman!

Fantine: I...uh...have a child. Yeah. And I need to lead her into...er...I mean out of the darkness.

Javert: I have to arrest you. I must do my duty!

Fantine: Doody?! I know that we French may urinate in the streets, but we don't do our doody there!

Prostitutes: Ew!

Javert grunts, grabs her arm, and starts to take her away. Valjean arrives in the middle of this scene.

Valjean: What are you doing with this poor woman?

Javert: She attacked that gentleman.

Valjean: Look at how pale she is. She is obviously very sick and needs to go to the hospital.

Man: She's pale because she's a VAMPIRE! Valjean looks at Javert questioningly. Javert makes a gesture indicating that the man is crazy. Valjean nods.

Valjean: Bring this woman to a hospital.

Scene 7

A runaway cart is about to run over an old man. Several villagers, including Hans and Franz, look on, making no attempt to help the man.

Villager 1: Look out! There's something coming this way...a...twister!

Villager 2: Wrong movie! It's a runaway cart!

People run away from it in slow motion, but the cart is moving at normal speed! An old man is trapped under the cart.

Valjean: Who will help me lift this cart?

Villager 2: You're a big guy, I'm sure you can handle it on your own!

Hans: Look at the girly man.

Franz: He is too puny to lift little cart!

Hans: I could lift whole cart with my pinky finger!

Franz: Ya, (flexing pinky finger) we have more strength in one finger than he has in whole body!

Valjean struggles to lift cart.

Hans: (to crowd) Look at our muscles (pulling on shirt to make pectoral muscles move)

Valjean begins to lift cart, but it falls.

Franz: Look at the girly man trying to lift the cart, trying to be as muscled as we are!

Crowd boos Valjean.

Hans and Franz: (to Valjean) We've got to pump you up!

This time the cart is beginning to rise.

Old Man: (with a Grampa Simpson voice) Hey there, you're hurting my leg!

Valjean: (changing his position) sorry.

Old Man: You're standing on my head!

Valjean: (moving his foot) sorry.

Old Man: You're crushing my hand!

Valjean: Look, do you want me to save you or not?! Valjean lifts the cart.

Old Man: (under his breath) I'm gonna sue! I was forty-five before this began!

Javert looks on, thinking of a man he once knew.

Javert: (to himself) Whoa dude! Flashback! Yeah...the colors..yeah...colors...black...white...cool stripes...looks like a...(snapping out of Keanu Reeves mode) prison uniform! It's Jean Valjean! (To Valjean) You make me think of a man named Jean Valjean. He broke his parole.

Valjean: Come on, there have to be dozens of six foot four, German Frenchmen in this world.

Javert: Of course it's ridiculous! Why, we just rearrested him and he's going to court today.

Valjean runs off, leaving Javert to wonder.

Scene 8

Valjean is alone, wondering if he should confess.

Valjean: I don't want to go back to prison! The environment is not at all conducive to self- actualization - Where's my copy of Dianetics? (whining) I just got in touch with my inner child! Wah! (Throwing a tantrum) I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! Besides, horizontal stripes make my butt look big! But wait! What did Bishop Miyagi teach me?...

Voice of Miagi: Wax on. Wax off.

Valjean starts making the motion.

Valjean: No, that's not it!

Voice: Paint the fence.

Valjean starts to make the fence painting motions.

Valjean: That's not it either!

Voice: Remember what I teach you.

Valjean: (assuming the Crow Position) Fly away! Fly away!

Voice: You must take responsibility for own actions.

Valjean: (banging his head on the wall) Get out of my head, you Jimminy Cricket wannabe!

Voice: Must be true to self.

After hours of banging his head on the wall, Valjean stumbles in to the courtroom delirious and raving.

Valjean: (with Chinese accent) Must be true to self! Was me!

Scene 9

Fantine is ill and is on her deathbed.

Fantine: Monsieur, take care of my daughter when I'm gone.

Valjean: I will go and find her. Don't worry, I'll be back. I will treat her like my own.

Fantine: Well that might not be the best idea...She needs...special care.

Valjean: I will do whatever is necessary.

Fantine: Well, she can't go out during the day unless she's all covered up and she has an unusual diet...

Valjean: Fantine, Fantine! (Shaking her) What are the rest of the instructions?!

It's too late. She's dead. Valjean hears Javert coming into the room. Frantically, he looks for a place to hide. He lifts up Fantine's body and hides behind it. Javert enters the room.

Javert: Excuse me Mademoiselle, did you see an escaped convict come through here?

Valjean: (Moving Fantine's head up and down and speaking in a falsetto voice) Sorry Monsieur, I haven't seen anyone.

Javert: Thank you. (He starts to leave.) Wait a minute, I've seen this woman before. She doesn't have a German accent like that. Valjean!

Valjean: Yes it is I! I must find this woman's child!

Javert: I'll get the kid! Now come with me!

Valjean: She wanted me to do it! Now get out of my way!

Javert: No!

Javert comes toward Valjean. Valjean picks up Fantine's body, scratching Javert's face with her nails. Javert tries to get past the body, but it's too good of a shield. Valjean lifts Fantine's leg to kick him, but Javert grabs the leg and accidentally rips it off the body. His disgust turns to inspiration as he grips the leg and begins to hit Valjean over the head with it. Suddenly, Javert sees Fantine's head coming strait toward him. Valjean headbutts him with Fantine's head, and Javert is knocked unconscious. He runs out of the room. A second later, he runs back in, having forgotten to put the body back.

Part II

The Thénardiers' Inn

Scene10

Young Cosette is cleaning the floor and looking sullen. Mme. Thénardier enters.

Mme. Thénardier: I told, young lady, sew those clothes!

Cosette: I did! Look!

Mme: What is this crap?! I want top of the line, K-Mart quality!

Cosette: But I'm only a little kid. You can't expect me to work long hours for no pay.

Mme: Yes I can! That's what children like you are for! Now get to work you ungrateful brat!