"Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs"

• 10) Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat
• 9) Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney
• 8) New sniffing competition
• 7) Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head
• 6) Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges
• 5) Winning talent? Throwing a stick
• 4) Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat
• 3) Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers
• 2) Winner gets to drink out of toilet
• 1) Points taken off for mange

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