Without question or close competition, the biggest threat to my recovery
came in the form of my divorce. On December 1st., 1995, my marriage of 19
years died. On that date, my wife got into her car and left our two daughters
(ages 11 and 17 at that time) and me without so much as a good-bye. I later
found out that she moved in with another man.
I loved her more than life itself. We were inseparable, and everyone that knew us thought that we had the "storybook" marriage. So did I. I had been faithful to her for all of those years, and I was absolutely certain that she had been faithful to me, too. Only near the end did the tell-tale signs of trouble start popping up.
When she left, I was devastated, and my recovery was clearly facing it’s most formidable threat ever. Ours is a disease of feelings. We use solely to change the way we feel. If we feel bad, we use to make ourselves feel better. If we feel good, we use to celebrate. The desire to change the way we are feeling is the ONLY thing that leads us to relapse, and I had EVERY feeling that begs for change, at the SAME time, and in MASS QUANTITIES! Feelings of anger. Feelings of betrayal. Feelings of resentment, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, sadness, and hopelessness.
And yes, I cried. For two weeks. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t eat. I was totally devastated. The overpowering feelings that were taking root in my soul were inescapable, and demanded relief. I did what I needed to do. I am thankful that I had learned within my Program to ignore all of the short-sighted things that society had taught me all of my life; like, “Real men don’t cry”, “Men don’t show emotions”, and “Never surrender”. Blindly following those “made for TV” standards had robbed me of my will to live, but Narcotics Anonymous had restored that will. I didn’t have to buy into that crap any longer.
I thank God that I had four years clean at that time. I was not blind-sided by my wife’s departure. I had some very powerful tools to defend myself with..
1 - My faith that God would carry me through what I couldn’t even crawl through alone.
2 - A firm foundation to stand on. That foundation consisted of hundreds of bricks; each brick being one of the many hundreds of NA or AA meetings that I had attended over the past four years.
3 - An excellent sponsor, who took me under his wing during my first few weeks of recovery, and who is still my sponsor today.
4 - A working knowledge of the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous.
5 - The Serenity Prayer, the power of which is unlimited. It can be applied to ANY problem in ANYONE’S life, and lead to a solution.
6 - A home library of books about recovery.
Being a reading and writing “junkie”, I did what came naturally to me in an effort to learn how to deal with those feelings. I read about resentments. I read my NA Basic Text and my AA Big Book. I read my Bible. I bought new books to add to my library. Books about divorce. Books about grief. Books about codependency. Books like “Modems for Dummies”. Not that I’m addicted to my computer, mind you! I can walk away from this thing any time I want to. I just don’t want to...
Every one of those books (except the computer nerd books) said that to get over my resentment, I had to forgive my wife. What? To heck with that! She didn’t deserve forgiveness. But I deserved to forgive her. Like my recovering friend David says, “Resentments are like peeing in your pants. No one is quite as affected by it as you are!”. At one month into my divorce/separation, it became obvious that, to retain my sanity and my ability to function as a normal (?) human being, I had to forgive my ex.
Forgiving someone who had just turned your life upside down is no easy task. Especially when they don’t want your forgiveness, and are doing absolutely nothing to earn it. I could have just said to my ex, “I forgive you”, but that’s not what our Program is all about. I had to really mean it, or the “cure” wouldn’t work. I had no idea how to accomplish such an "unnatural" and monumental task, so I got down on my knees. I asked God for the strength to forgive her, the willingness to forgive her, and guidance on how to complete this seemingly impossible task.
I talked to my sponsor about it. I shared about it in meetings. I meditated on it. I tried to visualize how I would do it. Where I would do it. What it would feel like as I was doing it. How I would feel after I had done it.
It just didn’t seem possible. But life seemed unbearable in the absence of forgiveness. I didn’t have much choice but to keep pursuing the path that was apparently my only way out.
One month after I had made the decision to forgive her, I became ready. She came by, and I told her that we had to do some “serious talking”. We went into my room, and I shut the door. I told her that, for my own sanity, I had to forgive her. I told her that it didn’t matter if she wanted me to forgive her, and it didn’t matter if she accepted my forgiveness. All that mattered was that I did what I needed to do to keep my resentments from dismantling the foundation of my recovery. I then forgave her unconditionally. I told her that I would no longer talk bad about her in front of the kids, or at any other time. I told her that from that moment on, I would treat her as a human being worthy of the same dignity, respect, rights, and privileges as any other human being; in spite of the devastatingly painful things that she has done to the kids and me. And I meant it.
However, although I forgave her, there is no mistaking the fact that our marriage is over. If she had shot me and I had survived, I may have been able to forgive her for that, too; but I would not be stupid enough to give her a gun and let her shoot me again! Since that day my ex and I have been able to maintain a friendship; helping each other as much as possible under the circumstances in which we find ourselves.
My children didn’t understand at all what I had to do, and still don’t to this day. Who could expect them to? They haven’t screwed their lives up like I did in the past, so they don’t have to learn entirely new methods of dealing with life to stay alive. But I do have to. Those resentments were a bitter root, and I could not let them grow and devour me from the inside out. I tried to explain it to my daughters, and told them that they also needed to forgive their mother and start the healing process. I was quickly rebuked by my daughter, who said, “Dad, you have no idea how we feel. You just lost your wife. You can get another wife. We can’t get another mother”. I was slam dunked, and had no comeback.
Still, I must apply the Serenity Prayer to every aspect of MY life. I cannot change the fact that my marriage is over , so I must accept it or sacrifice my serenity. I CAN change how I react to the situation, though, by realizing that I am a complete person; one that does not depend on another human being to exist independently. When I feel alone, Narcotics Anonymous has led me to an awareness of the never-ending presence of a Higher Power. A Higher Power who loves me. One who is as close to me as the air is to my skin. One who is a constant companion and source of strength. One that will never leave nor forsake me.
I now look back and believe that God brought me into recovery when He did in 1991 to prepare me for single parenthood. My daughters needed their daddy, and I was there for them. I was not away in some bar. I was not on my knees in the bathroom, hovering over the toilet. I was not intoxicated. My mind was clear as the events started to unfold, and I was able to make decisions that were rational and in the best interests of my children and my recovery. I thank God that I no longer have to react impulsively to situations around me.
It DOES get better with time, just as our battle with our addiction does, as long as we do what we need to do, and STAY on that path. Sharing about it in meetings and with our sponsors is definitely something that people on the right path do. If we set our sights on doing what we need to do one day at a time, and turn the rest over to God, we WILL survive and grow.
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