Relapse doesn't come upon us all of a sudden. It starts long before we pick up that first drug.
We each follow a path or road to relapse. Some of the stages of this process are predictable. Some are individual. Identifying those stages within your own recovery, and keeping a vigilant watch for them in your life, is as important to an addict as is looking both ways before crossing the street.
If you are an addict and have been working the program for any length of time, you have, more than likely, been on the road to relapse at some point. One of the most important lessons that I have learned during my recovery is to identify when I am on that road, and to take strong notice of the "milepost signs" along the way.
At first the relapse process was confusing. But being mindful of it, and meditating on it's visitations, has made my personal stages of the road to relapse known to me. Now when they appear, they are a flashing red light to my recovery; letting me know that taking immediate and positive action is not an option.
My personal milepost signs along that road are as follows…
1- Depression - This first stage of relapse for me comes and goes, and usually gets better without going on to the following stages. But when I am on the road to relapse, this is always the first sign.
2- Severe depression - This comes along when depression gets A LOT worse, and keeps progressing. Feelings of hopelessness start setting in, and my drive to do anything constructive disappears.
3- The "Fuck It's" - These are the two most dangerous words that an addict can say to themselves, and are a sure sign that I have entered the danger zone. When there is something that I know that I need to do for my recovery, and I hear myself think, "Fuck It", I have passed another milepost. At this point, it's time for us to take action. Call your sponsor immediately and tell on this feeling, and get to a meeting and tell on it again. It may also be time to call your "head doctor", if you are seeing one.
4- Not caring if I live or die - This is not a point of having actual suicidal thoughts, but of just wishing that I didn't have to deal with life. Thoughts such as, "I wish God would just take me" are usually present at this point.
5- Suicidal thoughts - The next step for me is having actual thoughts of suicide. Actually thinking of the methods to be used to accomplish it, and thinking about if I have enough life insurance to take care of those I would leave behind.
6- "I may as well get high" - This is the last step before the actual physical relapse. My addiction tells me, "If you want to die anyway, you may as well use first. What's it going to hurt?". If I haven't called my sponsor or seen my doctor by this time, this is my last chance. If there is another step between this point and actually using, I am not aware of it, because, thank God, I have never went past this step on any of my journeys down the road to relapse since I joined the program. If there is another step, I don't want to get close enough to find out what it is.
I hope this link encourages you to think about your own recovery up to this point in your life, identify some of your own signposts along the road to relapse, and WRITE THEM DOWN!!!
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