(If you have visited this link before, and only want to read the latest
update,
click
here.)
This is a hard subject to write about. But since it has been an issue that has affected, and threatened, my recovery, it’s probably affecting some other members of my recovering family, as well. My Twelfth Step therefore demands that I share it with others. Those Steps keep me alive and free, and today I’m willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean.
When I joined NA, I had been married for 15 years. My wife and I had a very loving relationship, so sex wasn’t a problem in my recovery. I had an unlimited supply of it, and was very satisfied. In fact, sex in early recovery was an asset to me. When I was jonesing, sex would take me out of myself, giving me a “legal and socially acceptable” temporary escape, taking my mind off my urges to use. It “pulled me out of the hole” more times than I can count. I felt truly sorry for single people in early recovery who weren’t as fortunate as I was to have that method of escape and support; or who had to take the risks of “hunting” for something similar. I didn’t really think about it that much, though, because we don’t fully appreciate something until we lose it.
And lose it, I did. At four years clean and after 19 years of marriage, my wife left me and my two daughters. I was devastated. I had never in my life, since I was 15, been without a woman constantly at my side. NEVER. All of a sudden, everything had changed in one day. I was a single parent. I was a single person. And, worst of all, my constant source of sex was gone! I had to replace it immediately, OR DIE!
I found myself reaching out to anyone who would have me. Within three weeks I was in a romantic/sexual relationship. I was 39, and she was 53. She was going through a divorce, too, and we were hurting. After that, I fell in love with a MARRIED lady. After about three months, I found out that she was also sleeping with someone else. I was shocked that this MARRIED lady was cheating on ME! I became so depressed that I lost thirty pounds in thirty days. My life was in a downward spiral.
My sponsor suggested that I go to a Psychiatrist friend of his. I did. The doctor told me that I would not die without sex. I told him that HE was the one that was crazy. He asked me if I had ever substituted anything for my primary addiction, to “get outside of my self”, since I had been in recovery. I admitted that I had. Books and computers were the first “escape” routes that came to mind. I already knew that my drug of choice was “all of the above”, and that I was addicted to “whatever made me feel good and allowed me to get outside of myself”. But I had never considered that there could be a parallel between my experiences with sex, and my experiences with drugs.
I had became addicted to substances because they made me feel good, and I used and abused them continuously until I felt that I would die without them. When I quit, I went through withdrawals. And now, here I was facing the EXACT same thing in my sex life. Sex made me feel good, so I did it continuously during my entire adult life. Then, when my constant supply of it disappeared and I was without it for the first time in my life, I "realized" that I couldn’t live without it. I went into very real and terrifying “withdrawals” that could not be ignored. I was absolutely amazed at the concept that I could become dependent on, or “addicted” to, something that was a natural part of life. I began to have empathy for the members of Overeaters Anonymous. How could someone possibly deal with being addicted to food, when they HAD TO eat, every day?
At the third visit, the doctor finally convinced me to go into voluntary “sexual withdrawal”, so I could see for myself that abstinence wasn’t fatal. I did. To my surprise, NOTHING FELL OFF!!! And, when the focus was removed from my relationships and placed onto me, I came face to face with myself, which was where I had needed to be since day one of my recovery. I got into one more relationship after that, and finally came to realize that my entire problem was that I had reneged on my Third Step. I had taken my will back from God, and I was desperately grasping for a relationship to make me whole. I had worked my Third Step on an almost daily basis during my recovery, but that was the one reservation that I was unable to turn over. “I give to you my will, God, on everything in my life, except THAT!!!”
I finally decided to give “that” to God too, and let Him introduce someone to me on His timetable. I have been at peace with that decision since making it, and I am still (as of November, 1997, that is...) in NO relationship, BY CHOICE. That decision has finally introduced me to serenity. I have found it. Relationships are such complicated things that they were keeping my brain tied up every minute of the day. “Maybe SHE’s the one!” “I’d better not let this one get away!” “I HAVE to do what she wants, or she’ll leave me”. Today, when people disrespect me, or demand that I honor their boundaries while they refuse to allow me to set any of my own, I can walk away from the relationship without envisioning my impending and inevitable death. Today, I enjoy the serenity of having turned all those worries over to God.
Still today, I feel no rush to get into a relationship. I have a wonderful life, a very good job, a loving family, and want for nothing. Letting go of that one last resentment has opened the door to freedom and serenity for me, and made my friendships with women in my life a lot less complicated, and a lot more sincere.
My experiences with sex in recovery have taught me that I must be even more vigilant with my recovery than I had been before. I have come to realize that I can substitute “anything that makes me feel good” for the object of my addiction. Whether it’s gambling, food, sex, computers, or whatever; if I enjoy it, my addiction can lead me to abuse it in an unhealthy manner. It has also led me to believe that I don’t have several “addictions”. I have one. That’s why I prefer the First Step of Narcotics Anonymous over the First Step of any other Twelve Step program. NA’s First Step says...
“We admitted that we were powerless over our ADDICTION, that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Notice that Step doesn’t say that we were powerless over “drugs”, or “alcohol”, or “food”, or “sex”, or any other specific substance or activity. It doesn’t even say that we were powerless over our “addictions”. It simply says that we were powerless over our “addiction”. And that’s what I believe it’s all about. I believe that our “addiction” will manifest itself in any form it can, with the ultimate goal of killing us. Today, if I notice anything in my life becoming excessive, compulsive, or entangling, I must stop and take a personal inventory and try to figure out what’s going on in my life.
Still, I clearly see the need for all the different 12 Step Programs. If I was in Overeaters Anonymous and started using drugs, I don’t believe that I could get the support for my addiction to drugs in OA that I get from NA.
I feel that bouncing between relationships immediately after my divorce was something that I had to go through. I was hurting, because I had been married “forever”. But I thank God that I didn’t get married during that period in my life. I was totally unprepared to make a big decision like that. The time I have spent alone now pays great dividends every minute of my life.
When I was using, I thought I was in control, but I WAS controlled. Today, I have choices. I can choose to drink a beer. I can choose to hang out with people that still use. I can choose to jump into the next relationship that comes along.
But today, I choose serenity...
It's been a year and a half since I wrote the above share. Still today, I am very thankful that my doctor talked me into going into voluntary sexual withdrawal for six months after my divorce. Knowing that I can actually survive without being attached to another human being has been one of the most important lessons of my life. Nothing else besides staying clean and raising my children has given me greater self confidence and a higher level of self-esteem.
I have been in two relationships since I wrote this link. Both of them turned out to be nothing like the relationships that I bounced between after my wife left. I didn't feel the "desperation" that was present before. I felt free to make my own choices, and with each I knew that I would survive if the relationship ended.
I have also realized and accepted that I probably won't stay single forever. I am very happy in my single life, and feel no need to rush into a marriage. But, to be perfectly honest, I was happier when I was HAPPILY married. I miss the security of having someone to share everything in my life with, and especially to cuddle up with at night. Single life is good, but I know that a much better life is possible, because I have lived it. I believe that the best way to live is being happily married; the worst way to live is being unhappily married; and being single is somewhere in between, depending on your attitude toward your present circumstances.
To return to my home page, click here.
To return to the "Home Grown" links, click here.