Can Homosexuals Change?

God loves us the way we are; but loves us far too much to leave us that way. -- Leighton Ford
 
or at least three decades, competent mental health professionals have suggested that the false notion that homosexuality is unchangeable is a major stumbling block to recovery.

"The homosexual's real enemy is ... his ignorance of the possibility that he can be helped, plus his psychic masochism which leads him to shun treatment."

-- Edmund Bergler (1962) Homosexuality: Disease or Way of Life?, p. 67, Collier: New York

"The major challenge in treating homosexuality, from the point of view of the patient's resistance, has, of course, been the misconception that the disorder is innate or inborn."

-- Charles W. Socarides (1974) "Homosexuality" in American Handbook of Psychiatry, 2nd Edition, Volume 3, Arieti S., Brody E.B., eds., p. 309, Basic Books: New York

"The homosexually inclined, even if they are, in principle, willing to change, initially have serious doubts whether there are realistic chances of a profound improvement. These are periodically returning doubts, notwithstanding clearly observable progress, and they only die when the change in feelings has become much more obvious ... Hope and faith are excellent barriers to these harmful thoughts that are a drain on the person's enthusiasm and energy."

-- Gerard van den Aardweg (1986) Homosexuality and Hope: A Psychologist Talks About Treatment and Change, p. 89, Servant Books: Ann Arbor, MI

 

If such doubts and fears have discouraged you in your search for freedom, please consider carefully the answer to these two questions:

1. "Why homosexuality?"

2. "Can I change?"

1. Why Homosexuality?

hat is a question that has haunted many of us for years. Do we have homosexual feelings because of some abnormality in our genes or hormones, or is this a psychological matter?

A Psychological Problem?

ave our genes or hormones made us homosexual? Some of us have tried to maintain that, but there is little evidence to support such views.
Dr. William Byne and Dr. Bruce Parsons of the Department of Psychiatry of the Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons state, "Recent studies postulate biologic factors as the primary basis for sexual orientation. However, there is no evidence at present to substantiate a biologic theory ... Critical review shows the evidence favoring a biologic theory to be lacking." [W. Byne M.D., Ph.D., B. Parsons, M.D., Ph.D. (1993), Human Sexual Orientation: The Biologic Theories Reappraised, Archives of General Psychiatry, p. 228]
After reviewing the scientific studies on genetics and homosexuality, Masters and Johnson concluded: "The genetic theory of homosexuality has been generally discarded today." [W.H. Masters, V.E. Johnson, R.C. Kolodny (1985) Human Sexuality, 2nd Ed., p. 411-412, Little, Brown and Company: Boston]
Dr. C.A. Tripp summarizes the scientific experience regarding hormones and homosexuality as follows:
"... A number of clinicians have seen fit over the years to run their own experiments by administering testosterone to both effeminate and ordinary homosexuals. The results have been consistent: When there were any behavioral changes at all, the subjects became more like themselves than ever. Their sex drives were usually increased and sometimes their effeminate mannerisms as well (when they had any), but there were never any directional changes in their sexual interests. From these experiments ... it has become abundantly clear that the sex hormones play a considerable role in powering human sexuality, but they do not control the direction of it." [C.A. Trip (1975) The Homosexual Matrix, p. 12, McGraw-Hill: New York]
More recently some have argued that the problem lies in our prenatal hormones. They suggest that stress during pregnancy may alter the production of sex hormones in the mother at a crucial time, changing the level of hormones reaching the brain of the fetus, thus affecting sexual orientation.
Here too, however, the available evidence is against the theory. Thus, researchers have found that "... in the majority of intersex patients with known hormone abnormalities, the sexual orientation follows the sex of the rearing. Consequently, we have to assume that prenatal hormone conditions by themselves do not rigidly determine sexual orientation." [A.A. Ehrhardt, H.F.L. Meyer-Bahlburg (1981) "Effects of Prenatal Hormones on Gender-Related Behavior," Science, p. 1316]
"The available data ... suggest that sexual orientation ... is base on social learning rather than hormones." [idem]
Dr. Judd Marmor reported on the work of Richard Green who, "... in a long series of studies on boys who showed effeminate behavior in childhood has demonstrated that although over half of these boys do become homosexual, a substantial minority of them do not. This indicates that gender-discordant children are not born homosexual, but rather are born with certain behavioral tendencies that, given contributory environmental factors, can predispose them towards homosexual behavior. Thus, a little boy whose behavior is effeminate, who does not like competitive athletics, and who prefers music and art, may be disappointing to a macho father, who tends to reject the boy and distance himself from him. The mother may respond by overprotecting her son. Such reactions disturb the boy's capacity to identify positively with his father and cause him to over identify with his mother. He may then ultimately develop homosexual erotic responses which are reinforced by later experiences." [J. Marmor, "Homosexuality: Nature versus Nurture," The Harvard Mental Health Letter, October 1985, p. 6]
r. John Money says, "With respect to orientation as homosexual or bisexual, there is no human evidence that prenatal hormonalization alone, independently of postnatal history, inexorably preordains either orientation. Rather, neonatal antecedents may facilitate a homosexual or bisexual orientation, provided the postnatal determinants in the social and communicational history are also facilitative." [J. Money (1987), "Sin, Sickness or Status? Homosexual Gender Identity and Psychoneuroendocrinology," American Psychologist, 42, No. 4 (April), p. 398]
Dr. Earl D. Wilson writes, "The disputed evidence for physical causes of male homosexuality is even weaker when it comes to lesbianism." [E.D. Wilson (1988) Counseling and Homosexuality, p. 76, Word Books: Waco, TX]
Facts like these led John DeCecco, editor of the Journal of Homosexuality and professor of psychology at San Francisco State University to say, "'The idea that people are born into one type of sexual behavior is foolish.' ... The move towards 'biologizing' homosexuality, he says, isn't the result of a scientific consensus, but a political consensus by those eager to label people gay or straight. Homosexuality, he says, is a 'behavior, not a condition,' and something that some people can and do change, just like they sometimes change tastes and other personality traits." [K. Painter, (March 1, 1989), A Biologic Theory for Sexual Preference, USA Today p. 4D]
ome will find these truths deeply disturbing. They rob us of some of our favorite excuses. We can no longer cry, "I can't help myself. I was born this way." These truths mean we have to take responsibility for our lives and our actions.
In doing this, however, these truths give us the key to freedom. They show us that we are not prisoners to cruel fate or faulty genes or hormones. There is hope for us! As Masters and Johnson put it, "When dealing with problems of sexual preference, it is vital that all health-care professionals bear in mind that the homosexual man or woman is basically a man or woman by genetic determination and is homosexually oriented by learned preference." [W.H. Masters, V.E. Johnson (1979) Homosexuality in Perspective, Little, Brown and Company: Boston] As Dr. Robert Kronemeyer has said, "From my 25 years' experience as a clinical psychologist, I firmly believe that homosexuality is a learned response to early painful experiences and that it can be unlearned. For those homosexuals who are unhappy with their life and find effective therapy, it is 'curable'." [R. Kronemeyer (1980) Overcoming Homosexuality, p. 7, Macmillan Publishing: New York]
 

What Went Wrong?

f our problem is not physical, what has gone wrong? A number of clues have been discovered.
In 1952, Dr. Irving Bieber began directing a research team in a nine year project studying male homosexuality. In all, 77 analysts, each a member of the Society of Medical Psychoanalysts, provided information on two patient samples consisting of 106 male homosexuals and a comparison group of 100 male heterosexuals. The result was "the most authoritative study of its kind." [A. Karlen (1971) Sexuality and Homosexuality: A New View, p. 573, Norton: New York] "No one has ever gathered so much finely discriminating detail on so many homosexuals, treated in depth by so many different doctors, and put through so many evaluations." [ibid. p. 572-573] Dr. Bieber wrote, "We have come to the conclusion that a constructive, supportive, warmly-related father precludes the possibility of a homosexual son...." [I. Beiber et al. (1962) Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study, p. 303, Basic Books: New York]
Another psychiatrist, after many years of study and practice treating male homosexuals, noted, "Homosexuals consistently describe their fathers as a weak, shadowy and distant figure, or an angry, cold or brutalizing one." [C. Socarides (1976) "Homosexuality is not just an alternative life style," in Male and Female: Christian Approaches to Sexuality, R.T. Barnhouse, U.T. Holmes, eds., p. 145, Seabury Press: New York]
r. Elizabeth Moberly received her Ph.D. in psychology from Oxford University for her study of homosexuality. She found "that the homosexual -- whether man or woman -- has suffered from some deficit in the relationship with the parent of the same sex; or 'homosexual,' relationships." [E. Moberly (1983) Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 2, AtticPress: Greenwood, SC]
Sharon Wegscheider, a certified alcoholism specialist, a family therapist, a member of Virginia Satir's AVANTA network, and president of ONSITE, provides on illustration of how this can happen when she describes the patterns which appear in the family of a chemically dependent person. She describes one of the characters in this family as "the Lost Child".
"He becomes a loner, looking after his needs himself and staying out of everyone's way ...." [S. Wegscheider, (1981) Another Chance: Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family, p. 127, Science and Behavior Books: Palo Alto, CA] "Since he has never experienced warm human closeness, he is not prepared to make friends and engage in the social give and take of day-to-day school contacts. Yet in the midst of the crowd, withdrawing into himself leaves him feeling lonely, different, inept." [ibid, p. 129-130]
Each human being learns what it means to be a man or a woman from the adults in his or her childhood family. The same-sex parent provides a lasting model of what he is to be, and the other parent an object for his first important relationship with a person of the opposite sex. These are powerful teachings ... if they occur. The Lost Child, however, has never felt close to either of his parents; he has been too insulated from them to experience this kind of learning. Consequently, he reaches puberty with no clear sense of his own sexual identity or how to relate in a healthy way to those of the opposite sex. As adolescent sexuality increasingly colors all aspects of the daily world he occupies, he is engulfed by yet another kind of confusion. True to his pattern, he withdraws. He rarely dates and in his loneliness suffers growing doubts about his own sexual normalcy." [ibid, p. 130]
hus Ms. Wegscheider lists among the common characteristics of the Lost Child, "Problems with sexual identity. Confused about sex roles and sometimes about sexual preference." [ibid, p. 136]
Alcoholism and drug addiction are only two of many family experiences which can lead to confusion in sexual identity and sexual preference. Many things less severe than chemical dependency can result in a deficit in our relationship with our same-sex parent. A sensitive child can be easily hurt. My father was a fine man who had no problem with alcohol or drugs. He did, however, want me, his first born, to be exactly like he was: strong, tough, a fighter, and a doctor. These were things God had not equipped me to be. I felt that I was not what my father wanted, and that he did not love me. So I put up a wall between us and missed the love I needed to develop a healthy gender identity. Had you asked about our relationship, I would have told you, "It's fine." But, if I was being complete, I would have added the revealing words, "but we're not close."
r. Moberly suggests other situations which may cause difficulty:
"1. The illness of the child, especially when this involves hospitalization, i.e., a large measure of separation from parental care.
2. The illness of a parent. Even when this does not involve hospitalization, it may mark a period of inability to care for the young child, which may in turn affect the child's capacity for attaching to the parent.
3. The birth of a sibling, especially when this involves the mother's absence due to hospitalization, or a conspicuous lessening in the amount of care she gives to the child she has already.
4. The temporary, prolonged, or permanent absence of a parent.
5. The separation or divorce of the parents.
6. The death of a parent.
7. Adoption, fostering or living in an orphanage.
8. Being brought up in a succession of nurses, governesses, etc., i.e., a constantly changing succession of 'parental' figures.
[E. Moberly (1983) Psychogenesis: The Early Development of Gender Identity, p. 78, Routledge and Keegan Paul Ltd.: London]
hile such experiences do not always result in homosexual feelings, they can, in a sensitive child, cause a hurt which leads to such problems.
As we consider these matters, it is important to remember that we are not looking for someone to blame. We are trying to understand the causes of our struggle and learn what we can do to resolve them. As long as we blame others for our problems, we will think like victims and remain forever bound by our problems.
When we accept responsibility, not for what happened in our childhood, but for how we respond to it now, we are in a position of strength. If our parents made mistakes with us (probably the same mistakes their parents made with them), we, who know our folly and our need of forgiveness, can learn to forgive them. As we clear away the debris of the past, we are free to choose to grow, to change, and to build a better life.
How then, did our struggle develop? To develop in a healthy way, a child needs love from its parent (or a consistent parent substitute) of the same sex. "Needs for love from, dependency on, and identification with, the parent of the same sex are met through the child's attachment to the parent. If, however, the attachment is disrupted, the needs that are normally met through the medium of such an attachment remain unmet." [E. Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, op. cit., p. 5]
If these needs go unmet over a period of time, the child develops mixed and contradictory feelings towards its same-sex parent and tries, through a process of detachment, to survive without the love he or she deeply needs. The emotionally hurt youngster says of the same-sex parent, "I don't want to be like you." These feelings are transferred to all members of the same sex so that the person experiences, at the same time, a deep desire for intimacy with persons of the same sex and a strong desire to flee such intimacy. When puberty comes, these feelings get confused with erotic intimacy and a homosexual struggle begins.
Homosexual behavior is a mistaken attempt to meet a real need for non-sexual, same-sex, parent-child love. This need has been falsely understood as sexual, but homosexual behavior actually lessens the possibility of getting the real need met, because it involves guilt, deepens feelings of inferiority, and increases the ambivalence experienced in the same-sex relating. As Dr. Earl D. Wilson has noted, "The anonymous sex which many homosexuals experience seems only to strengthen the reparative urge and leave the person more desperate." [E.D. Wilson, op. cit., p. 59] All this reduces a person's ability to have those healthy relationships with members of the same sex which are vital to coming to freedom from homosexuality.
 
s Dr. Moberly put it: "Homosexuality is the kind of problem that needs to be solved through relationships. The solution of same-sex deficits is to be sought through the medium of ... non-sexual relationships with members of the same sex ... It is the provision of good same-sex relationships that helps meet unmet same-sex needs, heals defects in the relational capacity, and in this way forwards the healing process." [E. Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, op. cit., p. 42] A good same-sex counselor may also be needed to help work through deep-seated hurts from the past.

For additional help, we suggest that your order Dr. Moberly's two tapes from the HAFS Book Ministry List.

2. Can I Change?

Some will say, "I am allowed to do anything I want." Yes, but not everything is good for you. I could say I am allowed to do anything, but I am not going to let anything make me its slave.

-- I Corinthians 6:12

omeone may be saying, "I grant you that my problem is not physical, but psychological, but I still don't feel that there is any hope for me. Who says change is possible?

The Bible

he Bible says, "Do you not know the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." [I Corinthians 6:9-11 NIV, emphasis ours]
These words, which at first seem so threatening, are actually some of the sweetest words in the Bible to men and women with a homosexual struggle who understand them aright. True, they mention homosexuality among the sins of which, if not repented, bar people from the Kingdom of God. While God does not hold us accountable for the things that happened to us in childhood which brought on our struggle, He does hold us responsible, like everyone else, to face our problems, to reach out to Him and to His people for help, and to work though our difficulties by His grace.
We draw comfort from the fact that homosexuality is not listed first here as if it were the worst of sins, nor is it mentioned last as if it were unspeakable. It is listed in the middle of this catalogue along with the sins like greed and slander, no better, but no worse, than the other misdeeds.
And we find tremendous encouragement here. Those words, "and such were some of you," tell us that some early believers had struggled with homosexuality and had found forgiveness and freedom! Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever [Hebrews 13:8]. Therefore, the One who delivered them can also forgive and free us. We have solid hope drawn from God's own Word!
 

Science

r. Reuben Fine, Director of the New York Center for Psychoanalytic Training, stated, "I have recently had occasion to review the results of psychotherapy with homosexuals, and been surprised by the findings. It is paradoxical that even though the politically active homosexual group denies the possibility of change, all studies, from Schrenck-Notzing on, have found positive effects, virtually regardless of the kind of treatment used ...". [R. Fine (1987) Psychological Theory, Male and Female Homosexuality: Psychological Approaches, p. 84, Diamant L, ed., Hemisphere Publishing: Washington, D.C]
"... Whether with hypnosis ..., psychoanalysis of any variety, educative psychotherapy, behavior therapy, and/or simple educational procedures, a considerable percentage of overt homosexuals became heterosexual ... If the patients were motivated, whatever procedure is adopted, a large percentage will give up their homosexuality. In this connection, public education is of greatest importance. The misinformation spread by certain circles that 'that homosexuality is untreatable by psychotherapy' does incalculable harm to thousands of men and women." [ibid., p. 85-86]

 

For further evidence, we suggest you order Once Gay ... Always Gay? listed under Steps 5 and 6 in the HAFS Book Ministry List.

 

Experience

ome years back, an American musician writing under the pseudonym of William Aaron described his homosexual life and his change to heterosexuality. He wrote, "For twenty years I was a homosexual: absolutely and nothing but .... I enjoyed sex with men, enjoyed it thoroughly and the more the better. The very thought of sex with a woman was abhorrent and frightening. Today, years away from all of that .... I am functioning heterosexually and enjoying it." [W. Aaron, (1972) Straight: A heterosexual Talks about His Homosexual Past, Garden City, p. 14f, NY: Doubleday & Company, Inc.,]. "I like being married: it gives me a feeling of stability and rightness that I never had before .... I like being a father; it is a rich emotional experience." [idem.]
He continues, "If you're homosexual and unhappy about it, believe me you don't have to stay that way. Cut your ties with the old life and get yourself reconditioned .... If you need help, get help. But don't sit around saying, 'Poor me, here I am stuck with being a faggot.' You don't need to be stuck with it, any more than you need to be stuck with alcoholism or pills, with acrophobia or xenophobia, or with any other unwelcome response or habit pattern. Discover your endless potential for change and development." [ibid., p. 211]

 

For additional stories of change, we suggest you order We're Finding Freedom! from the HAFS Book Ministry List.

ã 2001 Homosexuals Anonymous

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