by Pseudolos
Let's be honest: Last year's football season at the University of Kentucky sucked. I mean, it really sucked. UK is not known for football the way it is known for basketball, so, while people made the standard grumblings about firing the coach, etc. no one thought of searching for a magical cause for the heavy losses UK suffered. Well, I decided I should render service to my alma mater (and I had nothing better to do, but that's beside the point), so while other people were muttering and looking forward to the basketball season, I was looking into alternate sources for the losses. And, I believe I have found the magical cause of the losing season.
It's the UK Wildcat. Yes, the UK logo itself! Those of you outside the Bluegrass state may not know about the little flap we had over our logo last year. Apparently, some people (who obviously also had nothing better to do) were of the opinion that the tongue in the mouth of the logo's Wildcat, which is snarling ferociously, resembled.. er.. um.. a penis. Yes, that's right - a penis. These people were offended by this wonder, and insisted that it be removed. Not only did the University listen to them seriously, but they actually did alter the UK logo - which is a good word for it.
Our Wildcat was neutered! The symbol of UK's prowess was made into a eunuch because of some repressed people's sexual paranoia! The once proud Wildcat has had his pride removed and is therefore impotent on the playing field! Every Pagan knows that the phallus is a symbol that adds strength and power - thus, it would be a logical inclusion in the logo most closely associated with UK in the minds of the nation.
I would modestly (or, more likely, immodestly) suggest that by removing the phallic symbol from this emblem, sympathetic magic caused the UK football team to lose its strength and power on the playing field! Not only did the football team fail, but the UK basketball team suffered as well - we didn't even make it to the Final 4 last year!
But, there is a quick remedy to the problem. I propose replacing that which was lost, preferably as soon as possible, so UK football will have some chance of success in the upcoming season. Perhaps we should even have it enlarged - who knows the amount of benefits we could receive if this important method of magic were exploited? If we were to also have it redrawn in the proper anatomical location, we might even win the NCAA this year!
Well, that's my contribution to UK sports this year. Maybe I'll get a box seat out of it!
Last updated: 11-22-95.