TOP HEADLINES A FAREWELL TO AHKMED One of our most Beloved and valuable writers, Ahkmed Rajenskitzel was fired publicly last week. As it turns out, the exciting and informative articles he wrote about murder, corporate corruption, and conspiracies wern't the result of his own investigative reporting but rather, what he saw on T.V. that night. His false reportings was brought to our attention when an attentive reader from Long Island wrote to us pointing out that all the "corrupt corporations" had the same names as those from Melrose Place, and that it was highly unlikely Batman stopped them. The firing took place last week and was described as "unneccisarily violent" with Ahkmed "vowing to return and carry out his revenge". Precautionary measures were taken to protect the staff such as 'pretending it didn't happen'. The staff is already feeling much safer. I LIKE CAKE After thourough invesitgation and numerous late nights spent up in the archives, it has been decided that there is just no news left in the world to report. So from this point on, anything that's not widely known is now newsworthy. In a related story, I like cake. I really do. Any kind really, Chocolate, Ice Cream, Coconut. I like Drake's Coffee cakes especially. You got a cake, I'll like it. Anything without that fruit crap in it anyway. After going out in the street and performing a survey, I found out I'm not alone in this decision. More than half the people I asked thought I liked cake too. Oh, and Metallica rules. THIMBLE BUYS NEW YORK AVENUE Yesterday Mr. Thimble, a real estate mogal, bought New York Avenue while he passed through. The amazingly well valued land was purchased for a mear 200$. Thimble was quoted to say "I can't wait till I get some houses on that piece of property. I've been charging people 16$ to sleep on the dirt, but if they walk into a hotel on it, I can charge them 1000$". His spontaneous buy surprised many of his competitors, especially Mr. Cannon who said "This transaction shocked me. Thimble has been making purchases in classy neighborhoods, like Marvin Gardens. Why New York Avenue apeals to him is oblivious to me. I fear he may want to trade it with Mr. Wheelbarrow, who would be able to monopolize Tenesee Av., New York Av., and St. James Place.". Wheelbarrow was unavailable for comment due to allegations this morning at the local jail that he was doing More than Just Visiting. LOCAL ITALIAN DEFIES STEREOTYPE Chicago- Area resident Mario Capellini has been the butt of neighborhood jokes for years. Locals have used Capellini's name repeatedly in such notoriously criminal jokes such as the one with the American, the Italian, and the Cuban (area local Manuel Hidalgo has also noted protest). For as long as can be remembered, "Capellini" was synonymous with "stereotypical Italian." But Capellini has set out to change all of that by convincing the local community he is anything but the epitome of the classic Italian image. To start, Capellini hosted a huge Italian dinner for the entire neighborhood last Thursday, catered by a heavyset woman he affectionately referred to as "mamma." "Heya, I'ma trying to changa my image, pizzano. I donna wanna to be thought of as, you know, a stereotype," said Capellini as he stuffed a heap of spaghetti and meatballs into his mouth. The 46-year old plumber with slicked black hair also stated, "You know, I'ma just an honest man. I justa wanna put my little bambinos through school, capice?" The interview was unfortunately cut short by Capellini's work, as he rushed into a huge green pipe following a message from his brother Luigi that "our princess, she'sa in another castle." MESSAGE FROM GOD: THE END IS NIGH Well no, not really. We just needed a fourth headline. You can trust this valid news organization that if God had prophesized the end of the world, it wouldn't be at the BOTTOM of our Headline page. It would definatly be at the top... wellll.. unless that little Cuban boy has done something new. Has he? We don't really read the newspaper.

In Every Issue... The Poll This Issue: Parental Advice Ask Bob Ask Bob: He's worse off than you Maniac's Editorial Howard R. Maniac doing what he does best. Toking up, then Complaining The News Trick those guys on the bus into thinking you know more than you actually do The Lab Here at the post lab, we don't just mix drugs, we mix drugs and think up weird stuff Looserville Get dating advice from the one guy on the planet who shouldn't give it Movies and Media Showing it's not just the Pothole Post that's destroying modern media. Info and Warning Know who to E-mail, who to contact, and who to sue