The Strength of Believing
By: Jenn Nistor
Disclaimer: The character's aren't mine. Wish they were, but they're not. They are the property of Chris Carter, Fox and 1013 productions. I have no intention of ever doing anything to this story, so no copyright or infringement is intended.
Thanks to Jenn, my annoying friend, and her use of the X-Files mailing lists I was able to decide on a topic for this story. Well actually I ended up writing to stories, but the other one will be out later. So thanks Jenn and thanks to everyone who gave her their feedback......
This is a Mulder and Scully romance, well sort of. Although I am not a 'shipper, I decided to go along with it. So if you don't like that kind of thing read no further. There a lot of angst. So if that isn't your type of thing either, then do not read beyond this point. I'm personally not a fan of either of those, but I'm willing to give it a shot at writing it.
Summery: Scully develops cancer and her career with the X-Files has come to a sudden halt. Mean while Mulder must deal with the fact that his love for Scully is a little more beyond friendship.
The Strength of Believing
Part One "I Just Knew"
By: Jenn Nistor
"In all end our beliefs are our only peace,
in the time of life our beliefs cease to exist." -Rudurd
@~~~~`~~~~,
October 25, 1998
FBI Headquarters
11:35 P.M.
The wind was just beginning to pick up as Agents Mulder and Scully made there way out to their car. The night had started out to be calm and peaceful, but now it had a hint of snow in the blustery air.
"Looks like snow." Mulder commented as he unlocked the door for his partner.
Scully glanced up. "What'd you say Mulder?" she gave him an apologetic smile. "I wasn't paying attention."
"You okay?" he asked with concern.
He hated to admit it, but over the past couple of weeks he had been noticing a change in her. She constantly had dark circles under her eyes, she had lost a considerable amount of weight and then there were little things that he noticed. It wasn't just her appearance that had changed, it was her attitude as well. Every time he asked about it she practically bit his head off and he was sick of it.
Scully nodded and slid into the passenger seat. "I just haven't been sleeping well." she explained. "I just keep having these dreams and I wake up...." she turned to look at him. "I wake up alone."
"You need to go to a doctor, Scully. I realize that it's not my place to tell you, but I have to admit that I'm worried." he paused trying to think of the right thing to say. He didn't want to make her angry. "You.....you look like hell. I've never seen you so sickly."
"Well thank you, Mulder." she said sarcastically. "Remind me to return the compliment someday." she turned to look out the window. "Just stay out of my business and we won't have any problems."
Mulder nodded but did not comment. Instead he turned to study her. "Damn it Scully!" he banged his fist against the wheel in frustration. "Why do have to be so stubborn!? You need to see a doctor. I'm only telling you this because your my friend and I care about you."
"Mulder.....!" Scully hadn't meant to snap at him, but her head was pounding. "Just leave me alone. I'm sick of your over-protectiveness. I'm not your toy Mulder, I'm sick of you feeling like you have to shelter me from the world. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself."
"Fine! I'm sorry that I care." he turned into her apartment parking lot. "Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out."
Scully was about to get out of the car when a sudden a wave of nausea washed over her. Gripping the door for support, she waited until the feeling passed before she made any effort to move.
"Here." she felt gentle hands on the back of her neck. "Let me help you."
She agreed and let Mulder help her up to her apartment. "Thanks." she whispered as he opened the door with the key he had given her. "I guess I need to get some sleep."
Mulder shook his head, "Your a doctor, Scully. Don't you feel like something is wrong? Don't you feel that your body is trying to tell you something?"
Scully shrugged and sat down on her couch. "I don't know, Mulder." she looked up at him. "I'm just afraid to go see a doctor, what if they find something? I don't think that I'm ready to hear that kind of news."
"I'm sure that it's nothing serious. If it makes you feel any better, I'll go with you."
"You will?"
Mulder nodded. "Of course. I'll even make you the appointment. You won't have to worry about anything."
"Your so sweet. What would I do with out you?" she reached out and wrapped her arms around him. "Your a good friend Fox Mulder."
Mulder laughed and pulled away. "Get some sleep and I'll call you after I set up your appointment."
"Will you...." Scully patted the seat next to her. "Will you stay here tonight? I don't really want to be alone."
"Only if you'll make me some coffee."
"Okay, Done." Scully stood up and made her way to the kitchen. "Regular or Decaffeinated?!" she called.
"Regular." he replied.
Scully was just about to reach up to get the can of coffee when a sudden wave of dizziness washed over her. She tried to grab a hold of something to steady herself, but the world went black. The last thing she remembered was Mulder screaming her name.
@~~~~`~~~~,
Washington Memorial Hospital
October 26, 1998
2:18 A.M.
Margaret Scully rushed into the emergency room to find her daughters partner huddled in a corner next to the man she remembered to be Walter Skinner, the Assistant Director of the FBI.
"What happened?" she asked. "I just got a call from the hospital telling me that Dana was brought here. What happened."
Mulder glanced up but did not move from his position. "She passed out in her kitchen and when I couldn't revive her I called for an ambulance."
Skinner stood up to make room for Mrs. Scully to sit down. "I'm sure your daughter will be fine." he assured her. "She's probably overworked, I guess I'm to blame for that."
Margaret smiled slightly and sat down. "Have you heard anything?" she asked.
Mulder shook his head. "She woke up about an twenty minutes ago, but they are still checking her out. I'm pretty sure that she'll be here a while. She hasn't looked good for a while now."
He wished that he could have somehow prevented this little episode. Maybe if he had made the coffee or insisted that she go directly to bed. He knew that she didn't want to concern everyone and now she had.
"Why didn't you call me when you started noticing?" Margaret asked. "You have to tell me about these things. Dana is just like her father, he was as stubborn as a mule. Every time he was sick it took an army to get his to go to the doctor."
Mulder smiled and shrugged. "It wasn't worth the friendship. Every time I mentioned it she practically bit my head off."
Margaret was about to say something, but stopped when she saw Dr. Peter Adams walk from the emergency room doors. "Peter!" she cried. "What are you doing her."
The man frowned at her and quickly walked over. "They called me." he turned to Mulder. "Agent Mulder you can go see her now, she's been asking for you."
@~~~~`~~~~,
2:30 A.M.
Room 114
Mulder smiled as he walked into his partner's room. She was propped up and a bunch of pillows, waiting for him.
"Can't sleep?" he asked, his expression suddenly turned pained. "You really scared me Dana."
Scully laughed and moved over so that he could sit down next to her. "Sorry." she blushed. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"So how are you feeling?" he slid onto the bed next to her and stretched out.. "You look a little bit better."
"They gave me some kind of shot and it's made me feel better....." she paused. "Dr. Adams is here."
Mulder shrugged. He wasn't sure if that name was supposed to mean something to him or not. "Who's he?"
Scully took a deep breath. She didn't know what to say. How could you tell your best friend that they called in a cancer specialist.
"He's been a friend of my family's for close to twenty years. For the past ten years or so he's been studying the effects of the victims claiming to have been abducted." she paused. "He knows many of the woman I met in the MUFON."
Mulder's breath caught in his throat. "What are you saying?" he asked.
"They think that I have cancer. Peter was called in to do the tests. I guess it was a bonus to have him a friend of the family." tears stung her eyes. "I'm prepared for it if it is cancer, but I'm scared."
Mulder pulled her into a tight hug. "It won't be." he whispered. "Your not like them, your not supposed to end up like them."
"Mulder, I've known from that first day that I spoke with those woman that I would one day end up like them. Everyday I wake up and thank God for giving me another chance at life. Every morning I look in the mirror and tell my self that I'm still healthy and that I wont have to deal with it just yet." she shook her head. "But a couple of weeks ago, I woke up, looked in the mirror and saw it."
"You saw what?"
Scully tensed. "I saw that my time was running out. There was an emptiness in my eyes and slight paleness to my skin and then I knew. I just knew, Mulder." she studied him carefully. "You haven't told me what you think about all this......."
Mulder shrugged and stood up. "I need to be going Scully. I'll come by around 10:00 tomorrow."
She understood. Normally she would have asked him to stay, but she didn't blame him for wanting to leave. If she were in his shoes she would have wanted to leave too. No one liked to be around a sick person.
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."
Mulder felt bad about leaving her, but if he stayed he knew that he would only depress her and he didn't want to do that. His hidden emotions wouldn't do either of them any good at the moment. If she had cancer, then he would have to learn to deal with it.
He waved a Mrs. Scully who was engrossed in a deep conversation with Dr. Adams and walked out of the hospital.
@~~~~`~~~~,
10:45 A.M.
room 114
Mulder jumped up as Dr. Adams walked into Scully's room. The doctors face was a grim line of pain and his eyes were filled with sadness. Mulder did not like the look that the doctors was giving.
"Agent Mulder, Dana." he greeted, his voice was as neutral as possible.
Scully sighed. "What's wrong?" she asked. "I can't tell that you don't like the outcome of my tests."
Dr. Adams nodded and glanced down at the clip board her was holding. "You have cancer." he replied. "I'm afraid that it's the same as the other."
Mulder gasped and clutched at Scully's hand. "There must be some mistake. Are you sure? Maybe she should get a second opinion."
"Agent Mulder, I am sure. Given the history of these implant procedures, it was unlikely that it would be something else." he paused. He had been friends with the Scully's for close to twenty years, he hated having to tell her about her condition. Given his close friendship he had ordered the test to be done three times and each time they came positive.
"There was no mistake. Dana, I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but it is cancer. There are treatments and ways of dealing with this sort of thing"
Scully nodded. She had been expecting it. She was prepared for the worst and the worst had just happened. "How much time do I have?" she asked softly. "I want to work until I can longer do so. I don't want drugs to prolong the inevitable. if I'm going to die I want to do it on my own time. "
Mulder shook his head. "No! That's not a good idea, Scully."
She glanced over at her partner. "Mulder, I need to work. If I just give up now, I'll be letting *them* win. I'll be letting *them* have control over my life. I'm not about to let THEM win! I can't. You never give up, so why should I! It's not fair, but I've learned to deal with it."
Dr. Adams could not disagree with what she had said. Those men who had done this to her deserved to pay for what they had done. He had watched many of his friends die to this unknown form of cancer, they had simply given up without a fight. But not Dana Scully. He knew that Dana Scully would be different. If anyone could beat this thing it would be her.
Mulder turned to Dr. Adams. "What do you think?" he asked. "Do you think she should go back to work?"
He shrugged. "It's not my place to say. Dana has good couple of months ahead of her. I'd suggest Chemotherapy and Radiation Treatment, but I'm not sure that it would do much good." he paused. "I'm not saying that there is little hope for her, but I am saying that if she wants to live each day to the fullest I'd shy away from the treatment and stick to the pain medications."
"I can't believe this." Mulder mumbled. "I've never heard a doctor suggesting death." he turned to Scully. "If you don't go through the treatments you are giving up. How can you even think about not going through Chemo? You'll be just like the others with out treatment."
Scully ignored him and turned back to her doctor. "When can I get out of here? I feel better."
"Um....I'll sign the release forms and you can get out of here sometime tomorrow."
he Strength of Believing
Part Two "I Can Always Count on You"
"In all counts of law,
the men who seek justice always fall."
-Carpenter
@~~`~~~,~~~
December 16, 1998
Scully's Apartment
9:16 P.M.
Dana sat quietly on her couch waiting for her partner to arrive. They had planned on having a late dinner and then going over their recent case, but it seemed that Mulder had chosen not to show up.
She glanced at her watch again. '9:16, Damn.' she thought. He was over an hour late. Reaching out for her cordless phone she quickly dialed Mulder's cellular number. It rang once, then twice.......
Nothing.
It rang again. Just when she was about to hang up there was an answer.
"Mulder." the sleepy voice said.
Scully was about to say something but she heard a woman laughing in the back ground. 'Damn him.' she thought. 'He can't do this to me, but yes he can.' she argued. She was sick, Mulder had a life, he wasn't obligated to her. She couldn't hold him to his commitments.......it wasn't fair to him.
"Mulder." she said softly. "I just thought I'd tell you that you don't have to come over tonight. I'll see you tomorrow." she felt a stinging sensation in her yes. She didn't want to cry. She didn't want him to hear her cry.
Mulder groaned. "Scully.....God I'm sorry. I totally forgot about our meeting."
"It's all right." she assured him. "I'll just order a pizza and go to bed early." she paused. "I've been feeling kind of drained lately anyway."
Mulder felt terrible. He hadn't meant to forget about her. It was just that her illness had put a strain on him. He was feeling so alone and depressed. He hated to admit it, but he was scared to be around his partner. He was afraid that she'd collapse in his arms, or just melt away from him. He had gone to a bar and picked up the first woman he saw that remotely resembled her.
"No it's not...." he whispered. "I'll be over there in half an hour."
Scully shook her head. "No, Mulder. Have your fun and we'll talk tomorrow. Okay?"
"Fine, I'll talk to you tomorrow Scully." he glanced at the woman beside him. "Go to bed and rest. You don't sound that great."
"I will Mulder." she slammed the phone down and glanced at her watch again.
<9:21.>
'Forget food.' she thought and stood up. 'I need sleep. Lot's of sleep.' she grabbed a glass off the counter and quickly filled it with water, then popped two of her pain relievers in her mouth. It was going to be a long night.
It couldn't have been more than a couple of hours later when she awoke feeling a great sense of panic wash over her. Her heart was racing and her breath was coming in short gasps. Reaching out, she pulled the phone over to her and punched in Mulder's number.
After the third ring her picked up. "Hello."
Scully tried to calm her self as much as possible. "Mulder." she choked. "Mulder I need you."
"Scully! What's wrong?"
She took a deep breath. "Can't breath." she whispered. "Please.....hurry. I need you." she could feel tears escaping the corners of her eyes.
"I'll be there in twenty minutes." he replied and hung up.
Scully placed the phone back on the hook and curled up into a tight ball. She wasn't sure what use Mulder could be, but she had to be close to him, she had to feel his body near hers. If only for a second.
@~~~~`~~~~,
December 17, 1998
12:13 A.M.
Scully's Apartment
Mulder pulled out his key and quickly let himself into Scully's apartment. He was afraid as to what he might find on the other side of the door, but he had to see. Gathering up all the strength he could, he pushed the door open and entered the room. He could hear the distant sound of crying followed by a cough.
"Scully!" he cried. He raced over to her bedroom and pushed open the door. Even though the room was dark he could just make out Scully's figure curled up in the bed. He quickly walked over to her and kneeled down beside the bed.
His first instinct was to call and ambulance, but after a moment the feeling passed and he gently reached down and took her hand. "Scully, you okay?"
Scully opened her eyes and pulled him closer to her. "Don't leave me." she pleaded. Her eyes were filled with fear and loneliness. It just made Mulder want to curl up next to her and never leave her side.
"I won't." he whispered. He gently touched her forehead. She was warm, but didn't feel like she had that big of a fever. "Do you want me to call a doctor?"
Scully shook her head. "Just stay with me."
"Okay." he slid under the covers next to her. He half expected her to jump out of the bed and slap him, but she didn't. Instead she curled up tightly around his tall form. He pulled her into his arms and held her.
"Sleep well." he whispered, gently brushing away a stay piece of hair that had fallen onto her forehead.
He watched her as her breathing slowly returned to normal. She looked so peaceful, he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He was surprised to see how little her illness had changed her. She had lost a substantial amount of weight and her energy level had decreased, but she was still beautiful.
Her coppery hair still shined in the sunlight, her blue eyes were still as clear as crystal. Her attitude towards life hadn't changed that much either. She still fought the constant battle between science and what she wanted to believe.
He smiled, remembering the first day she had walked into his life. She had been so sure and confident of herself. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't scare her off. For awhile there, he almost had her believing in the existence of extraterrestrials.
Reaching out, Mulder gently ran a finger over her soft cheek. "Don't leave me." he whispered. "I can't make it with out you. You must know that by now." he gently placed a kiss on her forehead. "Please, don't leave me."
He yawned. He was so tired, but didn't want to sleep. He was afraid of having another nightmare and scaring his sleeping partner. She was so fragile, he didn't even want to think about hurting her.
Finally after a few minutes, he gave into the fitful urge and drifted off to sleep; not knowing that it would be the first peaceful night sleep that he'd have in a long time.
@~~~~`~~~~,
7:18 A.M.
Scully awoke to find herself tangled up in Mulder's arms. She remembered little of the night before, but remembered calling Mulder. Quietly, making sure not to wake him, she climbed out of bed and walked into the bathroom.
There was a slight darkness to her skin and it scared her. Trying not to overreact, she walked back into the bedroom and laid a hand on Mulder's shoulder.
"Wake up." she said softly.
Mulder opened his eyes and looked up at her. "How are you feeling?" he asked. "You really worried me last night."
Scully smiled. "I feel better, Mulder." she sat down next to him. "Thanks......sometimes I get scared, but I can always count on you to help through everything. I don't know where I'd be with out you."
"Your never going to be with out me." Mulder sat up and leaned against her bed post. "That is unless you decide to shoot me again."
"Your never going to let me forget about that are you, Mulder. I feel bad enough about it as it is, but no......you have to keep bringing it back up." she laid a hand on his arm. "I didn't want to shoot you, but I had no choice. If you had killed Krycek we would never have found out who killed your father and.......my sister."
Mulder nodded. He knew that it was true. A little over a year after his father and Scully's sister's fatal shooting, the authorities caught Krycek and were able to match the bullet with the gun. At the time he had felt that there was no justice being served, but after awhile he began to see the justice in Kryceks capture. Just seeing the tears of relief in his partner's eyes had softened him.
"We never found the tape."
Scully shrugged and stood up. "What good would it do us now? Those men have already gotten away with it, we can't really stop them."
"We could still see justice served."
"No, Mulder I can never see justice served. I'm not really mad for what they did to me. I've learned to deal with it and so should you. You have to learn to let the past go and grasp the future. How do we know how much time we have left, now is all we really have. There's no use in trying to correct the past when it can't be corrected."
@~~~~`~~~~,
1:11 P.M.
Skinner's Office
FBI Headquarters
Skinner glanced nervously at his door. "Must you really be here now? I don't have time for your bullshit." he through a look of annoyance at the man sitting half hidden in the shadows.
The man shrugged and exhaled a thick cloud of smoke. "You haven't answered my question." he leaned forward. "When is agent Scully taking her leave from the FBI? Her illness has caused a great disruption amongst my people."
"Fuck your people!" Skinner yelled. "You did this to her. You caused this disease. I don't know why I haven't had you thrown out." he picked up his phone. "I'm sick of all your crap."
The man held up his hand. "I wouldn't do that, Walter." he smiled. "Would you like to end up like Agent Scully?"
Skinner just stared at the man, then shook his head and placed the phone back on it's cradle. "You wouldn't." he whispered.
"Try me, Walter."
Skinner sighed and glanced down at his hands. "She won't be leaving until her strength is used up." he paused. "I guess a couple of weeks to a month, she won't be around much longer."
"And agent Mulder?"
"What about him?" Skinner asked. "He's not sick."
The man laughed. "He and Agent Scully are close.....don't you think he'll be giving up as well? I mean that was my intention from the beginning." he paused." It may have take five years for them to come to this point, but it was well worth it. I knew from the first minute that she walked into the directors office that she was the right person to ruin Mulder. It's much easier than killing him, don't you think."
Skinner jumped up and grabbed the man by his collar. "You son-of-a-bitch! Do you actually think that Mulder will be giving up because his partner died?" he shook his head. "Agent Mulder is not a quitter. He won't quit until he finds the truth."
"All right, Walter." he pulled away. "We'll see who's right." he extended his hand. "Let's shake on it."
Skinner stared down at the mans hand as if it were a shark. "No." he turned and walked back over to his desk. "You better leave before I throw your sorry, fat ass out of here."
The man simply nodded and opened the door. "I'll be watching you Walter. Don't go and try influencing our boy, because if you do I'll kill him and make Agent Scully's death drag on for a slow and painful year."
The Strength of Believing
Part Three "Resolutions"
"At the end of each year, our sins are weighed.
The things done wrong weigh heavier than those done right.
And those done wrong can be fixed at midnight."
-Paul Philips 'Resolutions'
@~`~~~,~~~~
Margaret Scully's Residence
December 31, 1998
11:45 P.M.
Mulder sat silently watching Scully fumble with her purse. Even though the house was crowed and the room was extremely hot, he was freezing. Scully looked beautiful. She wore a beautiful green turtle neck sweater and a red and green plaid skirt. Her hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail and her legs were covered with green leggings.
She looked up and smiled at him. Her eyes gleamed in the pail light. 'God, he's gorgeous.' she thought suddenly. Their eyes met and for a brief moment everyone else in the room disappeared.
Mulder broke by turning his attention on the clock just above the fire place. It was almost midnight.
"It's almost time, everyone!" Margaret cried.
Mulder jumped up and expected Scully to do the same. But instead she remained where she was. He felt so sorry for her. She had so little energy left these days, it almost seemed as if every smile was pained.
"Ten!" everyone cried.
Scully sighed. 'To many mistakes.' she thought sadly. 'I can't have them all resolved.' she curled up tighter in the chair. 'Maybe I should just give up on life and let this disease do what it wants with me.' she shook her head. 'No, bad idea. Mulder would never live with himself knowing that I gave up. I can't.'
"Nine." The seconds were ticking away. There was just too much to resolve and so little time.
Mulder glanced over at Scully. He had to tell her. He had to tell her the way he felt. He had to stop putting it off. Each day he would say to himself. 'I'll tell her tomorrow.' But wasn't if there wasn't a tomorrow, what if there was only a today. He shook his head. 'I can't.'
"Eight!" The time was coming. It was getting closer to the New Year. So little was resolved and so much still stood.
'Why does everything have to happen the hard way?' Scully asked herself. 'If I want to tell Mulder how I feel, I better do it before I die. I can't keep putting it off until tomorrow. What if there isn't one.' she shook her head. 'No, I can't tell him. I can't. I'll live to see tomorrow.'
"Seven!" Another second closer to the New Year. Everything had to be resolved. There struggles had to end.
'Damn, Scully. Why do you do this to me.' Mulder closed his eyes. 'Let this New Years give me the strength to tell her my feelings. I want to stop hiding what I feel. Just let me keep on believing.'
"Six!" Everyone shouted. People were beginning to wrap there arms around one another.
'Please let me keep my faith.' Scully pleaded. 'I can't keep losing my faith and courage every time I see him. It's not healthy. I shouldn't be afraid to let go.......it shouldn't have to be this way. It really shouldn't.' she gripped the cross around her neck. 'Let me have the strength.'
"Five!"
'I love her.' he thought sadly. 'I have to convince her to go through treatment. I'm going to be as stubborn as she is. She's not even going to know what hit her.' he smiled. 'No more Mrs. Tough Girl! She's going to listen to me.'
"Four!"
'It's amazing how much Fox and Dana belong together.' Margaret thought. 'Maybe I can get them together and make them see how much they need one another.' she shook her head. 'Stop it! I need to stop meddling in my daughter's life. Meddling. Yes. That was a good thing to resolve. I'll try not to meddle.'
"Three."
Scully felt something tare at her heart. 'I can't leave him.' she thought. A wave of panic suddenly washed over her. 'I love him! There's still time to get something done about this. I'll go through treatment for him.' she smiled. 'I'll try to fight it, I'll try not to give into the darkness that seems to want to pull me with it. I'm a fighter, I refuse to let some stupid obstacle get in the way of my feelings for Mulder. I refuse!'
'Two!'
'Tell her!' his mind screamed. 'Tell her how you feel. Don't waste another moment.' he started to head towards her. 'Tell her you idiot! Tell her! There's not a minute to waist! Make her see the light! Make her see the truth behind your feelings. Damn it! Tell her!' he shook his head trying to make the voices go away! How had things gotten so carried away.
"One!" it was almost time. They had to talk, they had to meet. if only for a moment they had to speak.
Scully stood up. He was coming to her! Now was the perfect time to tell him! 'I will tell him how I feel.' she thought. 'I will and I won't chicken out.' his eyes locked with hers as he approached.
"Happy New year!" everyone screamed. People began to hug and kiss and sing. Time was up. Now was all they had to fix the mistakes that still needed mending.
Scully lost sight of Mulder. She was suddenly pulled into a tight hug. "Mom." she mumbled. She could feel her mother's tears on her neck.
"Your going to make it to next years New Year." she whispered. "Right Dana?"
Scully nodded and gave her mother a quick kiss on the cheek. "I have to talk to Mulder." she whispered. "I'll see you later mom." she made her way to the back of the room to where she was sure Mulder had been standing. He wasn't there. She looked around, but still could see him.
"Scully." Mulder whispered. He laid a hand on her shoulder.
Scully turned around to find herself staring into his hazel eyes.. Once again the fear of her situation struck her. She was so scared to tell him. "Mulder I......"
"Scully, I....."
They laughed. They had both spoken at the same time.
"You first." Mulder urged.
She nodded. "I've decided to get treatment." she whispered. Her heart began to race. "I want to live another year. I don't want to die. I guess I'm hoping that, maybe, just maybe I might live another day.....just one day longer would be everything to me." she smiled. "I'm sorry for refusing it earlier. I just never realized how much I wanted to live until now."
Mulder nodded. He didn't have to ask her. She had decided on her own. Deciding that he better not tell her his other intentions he pulled her into a tight hug. "Thank you." he whispered. He could feel the weakness of her body under his hands. There really wasn't much time left, she needed help before it was to late.
Scully pulled away and looked up at him. "Wasn't there something you wanted to tell me?" she asked.
Mulder shook his head. "I just wanted to wish you a Happy New year." he bent down and gently kissed her forehead. "Stay well." he whispered then disappeared into the crowd.
Scully watched as he hugged her mother, then shook hands with Skinner. 'There will be another time.' she thought. 'I won't let him get way again.' She grabbed her purse and coat off the chair and headed towards the front door.
"You leaving?" her brother Bill asked as she opened the door.
Scully nodded. "I'm tired and want to get a good night sleep." she smiled. "I'm going to go in for treatment. I do really want to die, I hope it's not to late."
Bill smiled. "It's not to late, Dana. I'm glad that you've decided to go through with it."
"Night." she whispered and walked in to the night's darkness.
@~~`~~~,~~~
12:50 A.M.
Mulder glanced around, trying to find Scully in the crowd. When he didn't see her he walked over to her brother.
"Have you seen Dana?" he asked.
Bill nodded. "Yeah, she left close to an hour ago. She said that she was tired and wanted to get a good night's sleep."
Mulder nodded. "Oh, I guess I'll stop by there on my way home." he quickly said good bye and left. He was about to get into his car when he noticed a glint of read just under an old willow tree.
"Scully!" he called.
She turned around and smiled. "I was going to go home, but I really didn't feel like going to my place, so I sat here"
Mulder walked over and sat down next to her on the bench. "You all right?" he asked.
Scully nodded, "I will be." she whispered. "I was thinking that I didn't really want to die. There is so much we still don't know and I don't think it's fair to just give up with out a fight."
"You have never given up with out a fight. I knew that you'd eventually break down and go in for treatment. It was just a matter of time." he took her hand. "At least you'll get another shot at life."
"I don't know. I used to think that life was just one big game, but now it's different." she placed her head gently one his shoulder. "There's so much to live for, but in the long run there's also a lot to die for."
"When are you going to start your treatment?"
Scully shrugged. "In a couple of days. I'm not sure. I have to talk to Dr. Adams about it. He may not agree with my decision."
"Why wouldn't he?"
"He may not think that it's worth it." she paused so that she could look at him. "Sometimes I don't think it's worth it."
"Scully." Mulder kneeled down in front of her.
'Tell her.' the voice in his head whispered. 'Tell her and you will never have to worry about losing her.'
"Don't say that. Your friendship is everything to me. I don't want it to die. I don't want you to die. Who else will be around to bail me out of trouble?"
Scully smiled and bent down so that her forehead was touching his. "No one." she whispered. She could feel his warm breath on her cheek. "No one will be there like I am."
Mulder nodded. "See, Scully. You can't leave me. What if I do something wrong. Who will argue my way out of it or think of rational explanations as to why I would hit Skinner?"
She laughed. "Okay Mulder." she stood up, pulling him with her. "You win. I promise not to give up."
The Strength of Believing
Part Four "Last Chance"
"If the last chance is that in the beginning.
Then the heart you break will never heal."
-Brooks
@~~`~~~,~~~
January 18, 1999
FBI Headquarters
12:18 P.M.
"Agent Mulder? Are you all right?" Skinner asked.
Mulder glanced up. He hadn't been listening. "I'm sorry. It's just that I'm worried about Scully. I haven't been able to think about anything else since she was diagnosed and it's making me crazy."
"I know that it's none of my business, but I think that you should take some time off and work through some of your feelings. This isn't healthy to bury yourself in your work the way you have been. I think that you and Scully need to talk about your feelings for one another."
Mulder's head shot up to look at his superior. "Sir?" he asked. "What do you mean?"
Skinner chuckled and leaned back in his chair. "It seems that you two are the only agents in the bureau who don't believe that your in love. All I ever hear are rumors about your and agent Scully's relationship. I have chosen to ignore them, but there may be a hint of truth behind them."
Mulder sighed. "You don't miss a thing, do you sir?"
He shook his head. "So you admit that your relationship is more than professional."
"No, I admit that I am in love with her, but she is not in love with me. We're good friends and neither of us want to jeopardize that."
"Have you spoken to her about your feelings?"
"No, I guess that I'm afraid that she'll turn me down. Do you think that I should?"
Skinner nodded. "Normally I would have to say no. But given the circumstances and your relationship with Dana, I believe that you should. Love isn't something to be taken lightly, Agent Mulder. You should grasp it with open arms and cherish it. Especially with the little time you and Dana have left."
"Well." Mulder stood up and grabbed his jacket off the chair. "I promised Scully that I'd take her out today. She's been in treatment for the past three weeks. They're letting her have couple hours out of the hospital, so I better get going. I don't want to be late."
"Don't forget about what I said." Skinner cried just as Mulder closed the door on the weigh out of the office.
@~~~~`~~~~,
Washington Memorial Hospital
Room 114
3:35 P.M.
It was so hard for him to walk into his partner's room. He knew that she would be waiting for him to arrive. He had half a notion to just turn around and leave, but he couldn't do that to her. He couldn't do that to himself. Taking a deep breath, he walked into Scully's room.
She looked up at him with watery eyes. "I can't go." she whispered. She was still in her gown.
Tears came to his eyes as he caught sight of her frailties. With out thinking, he pulled her into a tight hug. She clung to him as if she knew that at any moment he was going to disappear and leave her alone forever. He held her as sobs shook her body. There was nothing left of her.
"God." he whispered. "What am I going to do with out you." he couldn't even bring himself to think about his life with out her. He pulled away so that he could look into her eyes. They were still the same Crystal blue that he had fallen in love with.
"Mulder, I....." she gently touched his cheek. He was so full of life. He didn't deserve what she was doing to him. "Mulder, you need to leave." she gently pushed him away. "You don't deserve this. You don't...." tears streaked her face.
Mulder couldn't take it any longer. He loved her, she had to know how he felt. She had to know before she died. Risking everything, he pressed his lips to hers. To his surprise, her lips were warm and soft. Nothing like he expected. His hand went up to her neck, bringing her closer. His other tangled it's self in her thinning hair.
As Scully responded, her surprise was quickly over come by a flood of passion. Her lips parted, letting him inside. His tongue dueled hers as the kiss broke into a needing that they both felt. Neither one could deny their feelings, now was all they really had.
"Mulder." she pushed him away. "God, I love you so much. This is so hard." she thought back to New Years Eve when she had wanted to tell him her feelings. She had been so scared then, more than she was now.
Mulder bent over and gently kissed away her tears. "I love you too, Dana Scully." he studied her closely. "I always have. I have from the day you first walked into my office. You were so confident and beautiful. Your determination was the first thing that caught my attention. I could never seem to discourage you and my reputation didn't seem to bother you." he smiled. "Most agents wouldn't have given *Spooky* Mulder half a chance, but you did."
"I don't think that anyone actually knows what love is until they are dying." she paused so that she could think of the right words. "Until I found out that I was sick, I never really cared about anything. I ignored the simple things and focused on the things that seemed important at the time. My job, money, the X-Files." she shook her head. "I never knew what it was like to love someone. I chose to ignore it and rationalize it. If I had known what was like to love and to be loved......"
Mulder cut her off by gently kissing her. "I know." he whispered sadly. "I remember thinking that my sister was the most important thing in my life, but when I almost died over that tape I realized that you were the most important thing. You don't know what I'd give to have you with me for all eternity."
Scully nodded and undid the clasp to her small gold cross. "Here, I don't need this anymore." she held it out to him. "It's given me strength to continue, and I pray that it gives you the same."
"Maybe there is still a chance that you can beat this thing.....maybe....." Scully silenced him by placing her finger over his lips.
"No. Please just let me go." she slid back under the covers and curled up into a tight ball. "I'm so sick of feeling those things growing inside of me. They hurt, Mulder. I've tried to fight it, but it's to hard. You don't know what it's like to live on borrowed time. The doctors say that I should have died months ago." she reached out for his hand and he grasped it firmly.
"When I chose not to go through Chemotherapy and Radiation Treatment they gave me a month. They said it was too late, they might have been able to save me if they had caught it sooner, but in the end it was to late." she motioned to the room. "I'm still here, Mulder. I lived months past expectation......and I did it for you. I've been trying to hold on for you."
Mulder finally understand what his partner was feeling. Over the past months they had spoken of death and the fear of the unknown, but they had never spoken of her life or of the time she had left. He had always figured that she would die peacefully when the time came, but he had never imagined that he was what was keeping her going.
"You don't need to hold on for me, Dana." he spoke carefully and softly. "I'm strong and even though it may not always look that way, I am. Living with out you is probably one of the hardest things that I'm ever going to have to do, but in some ways it'll make me stronger."
Scully closed her eyes. "Mulder, Fox, I'll be so lonely with out you. I wish I could stay with you forever and not have to worry about death. Death seems so unfair at the moment."
"I'm not going to let you die, Dana. If you die you might as well take me with you."
"No! Please, let me die knowing that your happy and at peace with my fate. Please Mulder."
Mulder nodded. "I won't be happy, but I'll be at peace knowing that you are. Sometimes, I guess you just have to let go."
"Wow! Have you been paying attention to me, Fox Mulder?" she raised her eyebrows. "I you are, that'd be the first."
Mulder smiled. "I always listen to you Scully, but sometimes I just don't hear you."
@~~`~~~,~~~
February 9, 1999
11:17 A.M.
Location Unknown
"I want Agent Mulder out of the way."
"Sir, how am I supposed to do that. He won't leave his partner's side."
The man stood up and opened a window. "You see that building?" he asked pointing to the hospital.
The other man nodded. "Yeah, so?"
"I want you to set up a meeting to get him away from the hospital. Tell him that you know the whereabouts of Samantha and tell him it's urgent." he paused to take a drag off of his cigarette. "He'll leave his partner and Scully will think that he cares for his sister more. She'll give up and the rest is history."
"Yes sir." he pulled out his cellular and dialed the number he knew so well.
@~~~~`~~~~,
Washington Memorial Hospital
11:20 A.M.
"Mulder." Mulder said answering his cellular.
"Agent Mulder........I believe to know the locations of your sister. There will be a ticket waiting for you at the airport, this is your one and only chance. You must act now before it is too late." there was click and the man hung up.
Mulder stared down at his phone. "Great!" he mumbled. "Just my luck." he tucked his phone away in his pocket and hurried back to his partners room.
"Who was that." she asked hoarsely.
"Someone claiming to know the whereabouts of my sister." he replied.
Scully laughed. "It's a trick, Mulder. If you go you'll probably end up getting your self killed."
He shook his head. "But what if it's not, Scully. I have to know." He really didn't want to leave her, but what if the guy had been for real. He didn't want to deal with the fact that he might have missed his only chance to save his sister.
"Fine." she turned away. "I want you to find your sister. I'll still be here when you get back."
Mulder studied her closely. "Your mad, aren't you?"
"No, just go Mulder." she knew that the time was coming. As much as she wanted him to be with her in the end, she still wanted him to be happy. There was no use in making him sit next to her around the clock.
"I hope that you find what your looking for."
Mulder took her hand. "Scully, I'll be back by the end of the week. I promise."
Scully shook her head. "Don't make promises you can't keep. I won't hold you too it." she cleared her throat trying to fight back the tears that were rising. "I'll see you when ever you get back."
"I love you ." he whispered and disappeared out he door.
The Strength of Believing
Part Five "I Believe"
"In all counts of law,
the men who seek justice always fall."
-Carpenter
@~~`~~~,~~~
March 10, 1999
Jamestown Connecticut
7:18 A.M.
"Shit! How can this happen?" Mulder through his bag down angrily. Scully had been right, it was a smoke screen obviously set up to separate the two of them.
"I need to get on a flight to DC!" Mulder screamed angrily. "I don't care if there's a blizzard!"
The woman behind the desk groaned. "Sir, there are no flight's leaving until the snow has cleared. I'm afraid that you are going to have to wait."
Mulder shook his head. "I'll......" he was cut off by the ringing of his cellular.
"Mulder." he mumbled.
"Fox, it's Margaret." her voice sounded strained.
"Mrs. Scully!" he cried. "Has something happened to Dana!?"
"Fox, she's barely hanging in there. You have to get back here as soon as possible."
Mulder groaned and looked at his watch. "I'll be there as soon as I can. Tell her I'm coming." he hung up and ran towards the car rental agency."
@~~,~~~`~~~
March 10, 1999
Washington Memorial Hospital
IC Unit
7:18 P.M.
Mulder ran around the corner and into the IC Unit that housed Scully. he was afraid to going, afraid that she'd die in his arms.
"Hang in there Scully." Mulder whispered, he walked over to her bed.. He was trying to fight back his tears, but he couldn't. She looked so far gone, there was hardly anything left of her.
Scully opened her eyes and smiled. "I thought....." she had to pause to catch her breath. "I thought that you had other obligations to tend too."
Mulder shook his head and took her small hand in his. "No, your more important."
"But your sister. This may be your only chance to find out where she is and...." once again she paused to breath. Every breath was constant struggle, and every struggle was one less day she would live.
"And find out the truth about what happened to her. Don't waste it on me, she's family, I'm not."
"You are more important, Dana. I want to be with you right now. My sister can wait. She's been waiting for over twenty years, I doubt that it will hurt her to wait another couple days."
Scully smiled and motioned for him to sit down. "Since your here, you might as well sit and talk for a while."
"How do you feel?" he asked. "I mean you look a little bit better."
"Compared to what?" she asked. "You can stop trying to be nice and tell me the truth. I know I look like hell." she took another haggard breath.
Mulder shook his head. He hated seeing her in so much pain. He remember the day he saw he in that hospital after her abduction. He had thought she looked terrible then, but now she looked ten times worse.
"I guess you do." he admitted, drawing a smile to her lips. "But I've seen you look bad before......." he ran a gentle hand over her cheek.
Scully reached out and gently captured his hand with hers. "Will you promise me something?" she asked. Mulder nodded giving her the right to continue. "Will you promise me that you will never stop searching for the truth?" she struggled another breath.
"I know that my death may cast a small blackness over your search, but I don't want to have to worry about you mourning over me."
Mulder was about to protest, but Scully silenced him by placing a finger over his lips. The look in her eyes was spellbinding. He couldn't move, he was paralyzed.
"Please......I don't want to be the one who stopped you from finding your sister. This means a lot to me Mulder and it'll take a big weight off my shoulders knowing that you won't stop because I won't be there to get you out of trouble."
Mulder smiled. "I promise, but it wont be easy. I've been with you for so long that I don't know how to go on by myself. I don't ever want another partner, Scully. There will never be anyone as special as you."
"No one is asking you to replace me, Mulder. But I do think that you need a partner." she paused. "Find someone that you trust and go from there.......it'll take time, but in the end you'll be thankful for having one." she closed her eyes.
Everything was beginning to get harder for her. She could feel the weight of death coming upon her, she could feel Death's hold gripping at her shoulder, pulling her further and further away from the living world. With every breath she took, she faced a constant struggle to retain her courage. She was beginning to fear death. How did she really know that death wasn't just a deep void of darkness or a realm of absence.
"Hey." Mulder reached out to her and gently wiped away the tears that had escape. "What's wrong?"
"Am terrible person for being scared to die?" she asked. "I'm so scared that there won't be anything after death. I don't want to be alone."
"Oh, Scull.....Dana. Please, keep your faith. Don't lose it now." he gathered her in his arms. "Now isn't the time to lose your faith."
Scully looked down at Mulder neck. Her cross lay still, glowing in the rooms darkness, against his muscular throat. With a shaking hand, she gently reached out and touched the delicate object. As she did she felt a surge of peace wash over her.
"Bye, Fox." she whispered. Her eyes closed voluntarily and Mulder felt her body relax in his arms.
"No!" he cried. "Come on! Not now, stay with me." he laid her back down on the bed and took her hand. "Come on."
Scully opened her eyes. It hurt, everything hurt. The room was so dark, she could just bearly make out the outline of his face. His smooth jawline, his full mouth and his beautiful hazel eyes. She had to tell him, he had to know the truth.
"I believe." she whispered then slipped into the darkness that held it's power around her.
Mulder shook his head. He was hearing the shrill sound, but he wasn't believing. He wouldn't believe that she was leaving him.
"Scully!" he cried. "Dana! No." tears streaked his face as a doctors pushed him aside to make room for others and their machines. Mulder stepped back as the doctors poured into Scully's room. He couldn't watch, he couldn't stand there and watch the woman he loved die right before his eyes. He turned his head and pushed his way into the now crowded hall. He could see Mrs. Scully and Dana's brothers huddled in the corner crying. He saw Skinner and a few other agents sitting silently, watching the doctors trying to revive Scully.
There were woman from the MUFON sitting near by crying, praying, and begging God to save the strongest of them. Just glancing around, Mulder suddenly realized that there were so many who loved her just as he had. He was not alone in his pain or in his loss and that brought a slight comfort to him.
"Again!" he heard one of the doctors scream. Mulder covered his ears and ran from the hospital.
'No!' he thought. 'I can't stay. I want watch.' He didn't know where he was going and he didn't care. He ran from the hospital parking lot and into the dead of the night. Tears stung his eyes as he realized that he would never see Dana Scully again.
He stopped running and grabbed a hold of a tree for support. Sobs shook his body and he fell to his knees, finally giving up the battle that he had been fighting. He could no longer retain his sense of courage or strength. Gripping the cross around his neck he let everything go.
@~~~~`~~~~~,
11:21 P.M.
Mulder's Apartment
Mulder was awaken by the sound of his phone ringing. He wasn't sure how he had gotten back to his apartment, but the familiar surroundings jumped out at him as if they were warning him.
Rubbing his eyes, Mulder stretched out his lengthy legs and jumped off the couch. His first thought was that the call was from Scully, but as he reached for the phone the memories of the earlier hours came flooding back.
The phone rang again.
He reached forward to pick it up, but held back. He knew that it had to be one of his or Scully's friends calling to tell him when the funeral would be. 'No, I can't.' he pulled his hand away and sat back down on the couch. He didn't want to know anything, he wanted to be left alone.
Another ring.
"Shut up!" he screamed and with one swipe of his hand the phone flew across the room and hit the wall with a sickening crack. There was the distant sound of someone talking on the other line.
"Please." he pleaded. "Please just leave me alone." he buried his head in his hands, but he could still hear the voice in the distance.
Taking a deep breath, Mulder walked over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello?"
Breathing.
"Hello?" he repeated.
"Mulder?" the voice was weak and soft. "Mulder?"
Mulder stood up and brought the phone over to the couch. "Who is this?" he asked angrily. "Who is this?"
There was a soft sob on the other end and Mulder knew that he had been right. It was one of their friends, still grieving Scully's death.
"Listen." Mulder's voice softened. "I really don't want to talk, so who ever this is can call me back later." he was about to hang up but the soft voice stopped him.
"Don't....." the voice was so faint that he wasn't even sure that he had heard it.
"Who is this?" he asked.
He heard another sob.
"Please." he whispered. "Please, I don't have the time."
"Mulder, it's me."
Mulder's breath caught in his throat. He now recognized the voice. Half of him wanted to hang up and change his number, but the other half of him wanted to listen to the soft voice. He wanted to believe.
"Don't hang up." the voice said. "I had the strength of your beliefs to help me fight the darkness. Your will for me to live pulled me back."
"God." Mulder felt a sob rising in his throat. "Scully? Oh my God, your alive."
"You didn't stick around long enough to see the outcome off all the doctors work." he could hear the smile in her voice. "Come to me." she whispered. "Stay with me."
Mulder jumped up and grabbed his coat that he had thrown loosely over the back of an arm chair. "You bet." he whispered and before she could say another word he was out the door.
@~~~~`~~~~,
The End!
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