Swedish Clasilization
The Banyan Tree Guestbook, as you know, has been hit by a devastating plague of Swedish origin. Is this the action of one sick fuck or is his country to blame? Is it nature or nurture? Well, I decided to look into this phenomenon, to see what it was that could have created such a menace to the Steely Dan society. Below are a few Swedish customs and traditions that may provide some insight into Clas and the world that shaped him.
(Photos courtesy of Lundqvist Family Archive, Stockholm)
"Day of the Bozos"
On the morning
of December 13th, well-before daybreak, a young man rises from bed, does
a quick shot of Absolut, and dresses himself in white. Donning a crown of
lighted candles, he sings about the darkness of winter, the light about to
return, and which name/s he will use on the Guestbook that day. With this
song and a wooden stick, he awakens his family.
This is a scene repeated in thousands of homes throughout Sweden, although no one is quite sure why. The man is usually the token alcoholic of the house, and after he wakes his family, he serves them vodka and prozak (an attempt to curb the national suicide epidemic). Whatever his name (he still may be undecided), both he and the day are known as Bozo. Later, the ceremony will be repeated at offices and workplaces throughout the country, with young men as Bozos.
"The Easter Clashole"
The dark nights
of the Swedish winter are long and alcohol consumption is high, and the approach
of Spring and light unleashes a spirit of unbridled stupidity. As natural
forces stir life from the earth and people from their winter mindset, the
congenital idiots are at work, too. People once believed that spring was
a time when evil forces spread mischief across the land, but they have since
realized that this mischief is the product of a man named "Clas". Today the
benevolent remnant of this myth can be seen in the tradition of the "Easter
Clashole."
On the Thursday before Easter, young people paint their faces, put on scarves and long skirts, then roam from house to house collecting candy and straightjackets. The Clashole himself has, on occasion, been spotted in disguise and participating in this tradition. On the hillsides, people light bonfires to scare off the evil spirits, and the blasts of firecrackers can be heard as revelers simulate shooting Clas out of windows at the "Y". Intertwined with the supernatural festivities is the traditional Christian holiday. The Swedish symbol of Easter is a young man eating the ears off a chocolate bunny while urinating out of a third story window.
"Feast of the Drunken Crayfish"
Another summer
tradition is the crayfish and vodka party. Like its name implies, the guests
of honor at this party are the crayfish and bottle of vodka which are devoured
by the dozens. This tradition began in the late 19th century, when heavy
exportation threatened Sweden's crayfish populations, and a dwindling supply
of domestic vodka (brought on , in particular, by the heavy consumption by
the Lundkvist family from Stockholm) forced them to import the spirit from
Russia. A ban on harvesting crayfish and alcohol consumption was instituted,
and it ran until August - when the locals celebrated its end by throwing
crayfish and selected members of the Lundkvist family into the Baltic Sea.
Later, a disease annihilated virtually all of Sweden's rare crayfish, and
today Sweden is the largest crayfish importer in the world (and rumor has
it that some remaining members of the Lundkvist family may reside in the
country disguised as crayfish).
"Eels & Aliases"
Towards the end
of August, the Swedish sky begins to darken again, bringing out the asshole
in all people subjected to living in such a dark and gloomy place. In the
rivers of the south, the eels begin their own journey to the Sargasso Sea.
Eventually, the skies grow so dark that the eels can no longer see the fishing
nets and are easily caught. Impaired vision is not limited to eels, as drunk
driving related accidents begin to rise. In Sweden, there can be only one
way to mark such a phenomenon: a moray eel party.
Similar in spirit to the crayfish parties, eel parties feature eel, vodka, and mentally disturbed Swedes as the main attraction. The Swedes are served in every form: smoked, grilled, stuffed, and more, as are the eels. Restaurants typically throw contests to see who can lift the most live Swedes out of a barrel, and which participating eel can assume the most aliases on a US internet messageboard. The winners are crowned the "eel kings" and receive a lifetime of psychiatric care from the Uppsala University Hospital and two front row tickets to The Annual Jackson Browne Stockholm Music Fest.
So there you have it. A small glimpse of what it's like to be Swedish. Now maybe we'll all look at Clas a little differently. I know I will.
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Clas in New York City 1989. This photo was taken while he was attempting to gain citizenship to the US. Obviously, he was denied.