Contents

1. Introduction
2. The Ad-Schlock Trophy
3. The Master of Ceremonies
4. The Awards
5. The Ad-Schlock FAQ
6. The Spring 1996 Awards
7. The Summer 1996 Awards

Welcome to the Ad-Schlocks

International readers may not be familiar with many of the commercials picked, because the awards are given for commercials shown in the U.S. and often in Canada. As the Web, however, is global in nature, naturally a lot of people will read the list of awards and say "Huh??" It can't be helped.

In most categories, five nominees are selected. Some categories are slim enough to only take three, and others are sometimes never filled at all. There are also seasonal and special awards given out for particular holidays and lifetime underachievement.

To all in the advertising business who have been selected, I stick my tongue out at the lot of you. Next season, try not to be nominated for a change.

The Ad-Schlock Trophy

The Ad-Schlock trophy is a cheap bronze statuette eight inches in height, in the shape of a television set with a silver plunger through it. The statuette is mounted on a particle board base with artificial wood grain laminant. Engraved on a stainless steel plate on the base is the name of the company that made the winning commercial, and a terse description of the commercial and its particular lack of merit.

The Master of Ceremonies

I, like many of you yet unlike many in the advertising business, am an avid and (somewhat) tasteful viewer of television. We all see commercials every day that make us want to chew out the people who wrote them, yet until now we've had very little ability to ridicule them in public. Why? Because TV lives on its commercials, and no one wants to insult a sponsor. So, the World Wide Web is currently the perfect vehicle for insulting the dregs of TV advertising. I don't care how much they paid to make the commercial, or put it on the air, and I don't care even if I like the product. What matters is that they know they've screwed up. No one will tell them that but us.

Presented to lighten your mood and make ad people quiver in fear, I give you the Ad-Schlock Awards.

The Awards

A SPECIAL NOTE

Special Category

Worst Commercial or Ad Campaign of 1996

Wal-Mart: Whistling Smiley Face

I live in hope that 1997 won't see this commercial back for another year.

Coors: The Last Real Beer (Man in a Bar)

Not merely a less-than-impressive beer commercial, this one came from the bottom of the proverbial barrel. It's not funny. The people in it aren't very good-looking. It's repetitive, monotonous, slow, and generally everything a beer commercial shouldn't be.

Old El Paso: Dancing Fat Guy

This idea was inspired. When everyone and their brother hires models to act in a commercial, they have to get someone who has managed to make people say "uulgh" with a queasy look on their faces. And in a commercial for food, isn't it more important to make the food look nutritious? Nobody wants to think that what they eat is going to make them look like that.

IBM: Solutions For a Small Planet

If name-brand IBM PC's have so much respect in other countries, why peddle them here? Or for that matter, let's talk about the Olympics; IBM set up a lot of the computer systems used during the Games, and went to a lot of trouble to advertise the fact, and rumor has it that there were frequent glitches and crashes. Give me a break.

Sprint: Dime a Minute (etc.)

The drive-thru one was really the worst. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is that stupid. Anyone competent enough to work in a drive-thru in this country knows that the U.S. has 50 states, as it has for, what, over 40 years? But then there's that whole host of other people who just hang there and count out dimes. Who would care that much? And what idiot would think Candace Bergen is personally responsible for Sprint's rates?

Special Category

Worst Santa Claus Bit

Arby's: Mix and Match

Santa's fine, just about, but the kid in this commercial could drive nails into a solid titanium plate with his mere presence, and the friendliest of people would run away screaming. That's kind of the point, but it's still obnoxious.

Black & Decker Snake Light

Nope. The guy at the end of the commercial couldn't pass for Santa if he put on 500 lbs. and changed his name to Nick.

NAPA Auto Parts

Doesn't Santa have elves to do the repair work? Why would he even need a car, anyway?

Bounty: Santa's Spill

This bit was getting old enough when kids were spilling things. And it isn't even all that new to use it with Santa Claus- does anyone remember last winter's Dustbuster commercials?

IBM: Season's Greetings to a Small Planet

Yeah, like anyone can set up a complete Web site from scratch in 24 hours. And why does a broken leg necessitate putting up a Web site in the first place?

New Category

Least Attractive Actor

Calvin Klein's CK Be: The guy with the English accent

The use of black and white in a color medium has finally been justified.

Sustical: The old couple drinking Ensure

Granted, they're supposed to look bad. But then, what if this commercial came on while someone was eating? There's a greater good to consider here.

Coors, The Last Real Beer, Man in a Bar: The Woman

Less than a model- and in a beer commercial, no less. Shame, shame on you, Coors!

Milk, Couple in Underwear Eating Sweets: The Couple

Got milk? Got a blindfold is more like it.

Old El Paso: The fat guy

We're a food company, and this is what we want to convey: A weird-looking guy who's overweight from eating so many nachos and tacos and stuff, dancing around making potential customers nauseous.

Most Monotonous

Nissan: Enjoy the Ride (Dolls in Car)

Cute, funny, but incredibly overplayed.

Mitsubishi Mirage: Sally and the Mechanic

This was shown once every commercial break for about three weeks straight. After a run like that, I even got tired of looking at her, much less the car.

Budweiser: Frogs on a Gator

No, no, it isn't old. Not a bit. Really.

Wal-Mart: Whistling Smiley Face

Still playing after nearly a year, we are forced to listen to that annoying tune for yet another season. Can't Wal-Mart hire competent ad people- or is that an oxymoron?

Duracell: The Puttermans Visiting Grandma

Have you ever heard that scream at the beginning of the commercial? That's not the music. That's me.

Worst Slogan

Cherry Coke: Do Something Different

Yeah, that one hasn't been taken.

Coors: The Last Real Beer

Miller Light, circa 1995: The last real beer commercials.

Perot For President: Don't Waste Your Vote This Time

Well, I'm really glad all his supporters didn't waste their votes the last time he ran for office.

CK Be: Just Be

Ummm.... I don't get it.

DiGiorno Pizza Crusts: It's Not Delivery, It's DiGiorno

The slogan itself is fine, but they didn't know how to use it properly. The people in their commercials just keep repeating this same phrase over and over again without variation. Real people don't talk like that.

Worst Jingle

Ford Escort

Still no music, still no point. I suppose it counts as a jingle, though. The good news is that we can continue to mock these things at every opportunity. Again: I'd like to have a New Ford Escort Poem contest. Send me your worst, your cruelest, your funniest. Mock these commercials in any kind of poem, and send me your entry. The winning poem(s) will be put on display for next season's Ad-Schlocks.

Tetley Tea: Tiny Little Tea Leaves

Help!

Stetson Cologne

I'm not talking about the choir singing "Stetson makes it easy for you." I mean some awful countryish song that should, in all fairness, be able to shatter glass; it can't, but it should.

Cherry Coke: Do Something Different (Ostrich in Store)

I'm not sure if that's an actual song or just something they made up for the commercial, but it's just a little bit grating.

Mattel Barbie

For no commercial in particular, but heck, they deserve a nomination.

Worst Rehash of Old Song

Chevy Trucks: Like a Rock

If I had a fraction of good ol' Bob's royalty checks for the past ten years, I'd be a rich man. Let's face it, folks; this song isn't merely overplayed, it brings new definition to the word. This song makes Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" sound fresh and new. If you followed this song with "Yankee Doodle" you would be praised for your originality. People, this song is old.

AT&T: Internet Surfing (Theme from "Hawaii 5-0")

I think Bill the Cat said it best: "Ack." Somehow the music actually lends itself to the overall lack of life in the commercial, and makes the whole thing worse.

Black & Decker Snake Light ("The Wanderer")

Not only is their "jingle" totally unoriginal, but it wasn't even an original idea to rip it off! (The Doodle Bear is using another altered version of the same song, and others have used this song as well.) Beyond that, the song itself can be irritating ("around around around around around around around...." insert scream here), and it has a nasty tendency to get stuck in your head.

Doodle Bear ("The Wanderer")

This rendition of the same old song might not be as bad as Black & Decker's version, but it's still bad enough to pull off an Ad-Schlock nomination.

Buick LeSabre (Stand By Me)

They must have failed to understand that people can actually get sick of a song. Moreover, it doesn't really fit all that well, even if they are claiming the car is reliable and safe.

Most Embarrassing

Worst Fundamental Style Problems

There was a bit of a toss-up for this one. So many commercials tried to squeeze in that there was difficulty picking nominees in the first place. But then factor in that three or four of them are bad enough to take the award alone, and you've got some real problems. It was a tough decision, but in the end I decided to give the award to Packard Bell.

Packard Bell

Beginning with a depiction of a foul urban existance that would have made Dickens cringe and weep for mercy, and ending with a country scene so sweet it could choke Mother Goose, these things didn't start off well to begin with. But then put in the brief shots of people with weird hair, a spider, and twisted use of colors at the end (not to mention absurdly bright- even "The Wizard of Oz" was more subdued than that), and finally the fact that the commercial itself has nothing to do with the product, and you've got yourself an award winner! A big hand, everyone, for Packard Bell.

Compaq: Distributed Access

Ignoring for the moment how boring these things are (as if "boring" is a nearly strong enough word to describe the sheer agony of watching this crap), why don't we instead focus on the complete lack of attention paid to asthetics? Yes, we all know that black and white, when properly used, can make a powerful statement. Nevertheless, it became a clich‚ in the late 1980's and early 90's, and we're still recovering. If you're going to make a commercial this boring, IT MUST BE IN COLOR. No excuses.

Calvin Klein: CK One and CK Be

Black and white. Dull. People looking into the camera saying nothing important, some of them too ugly to be on TV in the first place. (On a side note, more than one commercial for Calvin Klein fragrances could have been nominated for Least Attractive Actor, but that would have made the category too large.) These commercials were bad enough to squeeze that Cherry Coke commercial with the ostrich out of the running.

The Principal Financial Group

Well, acrobats are endorsing these people, so they can't be all that bad, right? Tell me again: Exactly how are the acrobats involved?

AT&T: Internet Surfing

An advertisement geared toward businesses. Makes sense. So they use an old, old TV theme song, and a narrator (Dick Cavett) who may as well be screaming "CHANGE THE CHANNEL!" at the top of his lungs, because that's what people will want to do once he starts talking. Then throw in a really drab use of color- surfing does not associate well with dark browns and shades of gray. Talk about style problems. They'd have to have style before they could have problems with it.

Lamest Concept

Perot For President

The clear winner by a landslide, and I'm not talking about the election.

Direct TV: $200 Cash Back (Press Conference)

Not unlike hectic reporters delivering news on a new car as if it were Elvis returned from the dead, or a TV anchor talking about some kind of sale in such and such a department store, this kind of idea- which was bad enough to begin with- has been done to death. And it really is lame; who would actually line up to attend a press conference announcing a sale?

Oldsmobile Aurora: Cars Checking Each Other Out

"Do they [cars] fantasize about the Aurora?" No, they fantasize about the Chevy Camaro or Corvette. Get real.

Duracell: The Puttermans

I don't know why I didn't think to nominate these bozos sooner. This may well be one of the lamest overall concepts to come down the pike in ten years.

HBO: Cable to Space Shuttle

I'm no physisist, but it seems to me that all that cable would drag the shuttle down into Earth's gravity well. Furthermore, all that cable falling down would cover miles of area and probably kill anyone it landed on.

Worst Short Version

Polaroid: The Dog and the Evil Cat

The short version isn't really all that bad, but lacks the same impact as the long version.

HBO: Jane Goodall and the Chimps

Without that two-liner from "Airplane!" it isn't the same.

Duracell: The Puttermans Visiting Grandma

Tell me: When a commercial is this bad to begin with, does shaving off two seconds really matter? At least it's better than the long version, though.

Worst Choice of Spokesperson

Direct TV: $200 Cash Back (Press Conference)

I realize, of course, that this man is a paid actor, not an actual spokesperson. Still, he's kind of bug-eyed and scary. No politician or company in their right minds would put him behind a podium.

Volkswagon GT: Speedracer

It's too bad this is in text, because the best commentary is in sound. However, the sound goes like this: Huh? It sounds more like a bicycle horn dying, though. And if that's not a clear enough indication of my feelings on this commercial, then maybe you should sit down and watch the commercial again; you just might make the same noise yourself.

Jenny Craig: Cindy Williams

"Laverne and Shirley" ended long ago, and has been barely been in syndication for several years. Of the two, Penny Marshall is the only one who's really still famous.

Most Pretentious: Beer Commercial

Coors: The Last Real Beer (Alligator Loafers)

Has anyone else noticed yet that their conversation has absolutely nothing to do with beer? Apparently their taking the anti-reptile moral high ground and praising the beer as a way of keeping oneself grounded. Yeah, right.

Coors: The Last Real Beer (Man in a Bar)

Instead of the question, "Why'd you come back?", we should be asking, "Whose brilliant idea was it to keep this around?" It's incredibly pretentious even to think that they could get away with passing this off as a beer commercial.

Bud Light: Bud Light I Said

I think it takes a bit of an ego to abandon a series of commercials that was working (remember Johnny?) and go instead with one where they've got this really obnoxious guy making crazed phone calls and worse. Sheesh. Call me when the Miller Light commercials start up again.

Most Pretentious: Car Commercial

Infiniti Q45

Does anyone know anybody who's even heard of a place like that, much less the people who make the kind of money to be a part of an upper tier of society that would go to a place like that? What about that music? The real message here is this: Only the super-wealthy can afford this car. One problem, guys: The super-wealthy don't watch nearly as many sit-coms as the rest of us.

Chevy Trucks: Like a Rock

Solid proof that, yes, hearing the same song twenty times in one hour can drive a person insane. Multiply that by every sporting event for a decade and a half, and you've got a Chevy truck commercial.

Chrysler Anything: Philosophical Kids

"What happens when you don't just make something, you invent something?" The world explodes and a clown dies. Who cares? It has nothing to do with cars, and it doesn't explain why this one little girl is wearing a suit and spouting philosophy when she could be doing something more productive (like watching a TV that isn't plugged in).

Most Pretentious: General

Packard Bell

Yes, one of the industry leaders- only because they can undercut their competitors and they happen to be in every retail computer store in the known universe. Still, anyone who knows anything about computers would rather be robbed than buy a Packard Bell; robbery is a better value. So naturally, they try to make it sound as if this computer- as opposed to somebody else's (i.e., a better one) will miraculously save you from a fate worse than death.

Perot For President

Let's see: Hmm, as an independent candidate four years ago, he only got 19% of the vote. As a member of a third party this year, attacking his campaign with even less energy and gusto than he did before (and remember, he quit partway through the race that time), could he really expect to do any better?

AT&T: Internet Surfing

To make a commercial so bad in so many ways and then hope to get away with it and get your message across by sheer name recognition and reputation: That is truly pretentious. I'm not sure anyone this out of touch with humanity deserves my business, whether they do a good job or not.

Calvin Klein's CK One and CK Be

Well, it's a cologne/perfume commercial. Pretentiousness is to be expected. That doesn't mean we have to put up with it.

Phillips Magnavox: Internet TV

That's it? That's the wonderful beautiful thing we were supposed to be waiting for? Everyone in the computer industry saw this coming a year away, and the idea isn't really original. But what I want to know is this: Why would anyone with the means to buy one of these do so when they could get a regular computer with Internet access for, in the long run, not much more, and actually do something productive with it?

Most Boring: Beer Commercial

Coors: The Last Real Beer (Alligator Loafers)

Well, glad to see this one hasn't gotten any longer.

Coors: The Last Real Beer (Man in a Bar)

It's getting to the point where I can almost recite that list of beers in my sleep. It's getting to the point where I'm asleep by the time the bartender starts reciting it himself.

Budweiser: Frogs on a Gator

No, it doesn't age gracefully. Have all their ad guys been on vacation for six months?

Bud Light: Bud Light I Said

Now that we've suffered through another three months of these pathetic things, can we call an end to the campaign? Whatever happened to Johnny, or those guys showing up for ladies' night? How about the guy who claimed to be a million other people just to drink their beer? Or the bit with the pole! After such a longstanding tradition of good beer commercials, we deserve to see better from Bud Light.

Most Boring: Movie Preview

The English Patient

So far, the televised previews have showed next to nothing about the plot, which could have helped get people into the theaters. So, what's probably a very good movie (judging by the theatrical previews, which are better) has been made to look deadly dull by a handful of unworthy trailers.

The Evening Star

Just what we needed: another "Terms of Endearment". So much for all the movies this season being good ones.

The Preacher's Wife

Forget for the moment that Denzel Washington is a prince among actors, or that the plot appears to be a good one, or that it looks like an enjoyable holiday film. Does the world really need or even want another Whitney Houston soundtrack? It's been several years, and most of the country's still trying to forget "The Bodygaurd" soundtrack. Somehow, it just doesn't seem like a good idea.

Most Boring: General

Prudential Securities: Jack

The only thing saving this commercial from complete infamy is that later in the season, it was taken off the air, and other companies have shown commercials twice as dull (no, really!).

Compaq: Distributed Access

"Zzzzzzzzz," I said. Let's have a show of hands: Who wants to watch a woman talk about being the "resident tech-head" or "feeding the giant octopus" (???)? Or what about the guy who quotes his boss while shaving: "Are we falling behind?". What about the guy on the escalator? Who are these people?! If any of them were to speak any slower, these ads could actually put people into comas.

Packard Bell

So you may have noticed that nothing happens in these commercials. They don't really even extoll the virtues of the product, but instead make you sit through those dull, artistically stunted scenes instead. There's a reason for that: The Packard Bell doesn't have any virtues to extoll. Basically, they're trying to lull you into a hypnotic state until you hear the magic phrase "Intel Pentium Processor" and Intel's little fanfare, which should be familiar to you because of all of Intel's advertising. If you're gullible enough, you might just think after the commercial's over, "Packard Bell. I've got to buy one of those."

The Principal Financial Group

I'm not entirely sure why a troupe of acrobats has anything to do with a 401K, but it's certainly dull when the two concepts are tied together. Keep talking about strength and flexibility and success and blah blah blah. Nobody's listening.

AT&T: Internet Surfing

It remains to be proven by science, but this commercial suggests that Dick Cavett could put a hyperactive child to sleep- instantly- and even make something like four planes crashing into a giant tank of rocket fuel in the middle of LA sound dull. By keeping the colors dark and dismal enough to be mistaken for black and white, AT&T didn't help the situation any.

Dishonorable Mention

Castrol Syntec Blend: For the Life of Your Engine

No, that BEEP commercial isn't really BEEP that bad, BEEP it's just BEEP a little BEEP annoying to BEEP hear that BEEP beeping sound BEEP all BEEP the BEEP time BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Met Life: Paddling Off a Waterfall

It seems to me that if you're going to go down a river in the first place, you ought to at least know the route. (Gee, Alice, how did that get there? It wasn't on the map!)

Lexus: Safety From a New Angle

What they were saying was fine and all, but let's get something straight: Solid steel (or any other metal) hydraulic plates moving at that speed into the side of a car would crush the vehicle into a fine paper. The only thing that should tell them about the car's safety is that nobody should be driving between two giant high-velocity hydraulic plates.

New York Life: Domino Buildings

No, that's not the dumb part. The dumb part is that after the building lurches, the woman behind the desk doesn't bother looking out the window, like she expected twenty-odd skyscrapers to topple that morning. If that had happened, I wouldn't just set the coffee down, I'd drop it.

Tetley Tea: Tiny Little Tea Leaves

What kind of sick cartoons are they trying to subject us to now? Nevermind that the jingle could make you start drilling holes in your head, but must we also put up with such cutesy animation, of ugly characters no less? Or how about the dialogue: "Tiny, Tetley. Not tiny, Not Tetley. Tiny, Tetley. Not tiny, Not Tetley. Tiny, Tetley. Not tiny, Not Tetley." Imagine yourself repeating that with your eyes shifting around like a lunatic while nice men in white coats haul you away.

Sprint: Candace Bergen in Hiding

If I had to be in those rotten Sprint commercials, I'd go into hiding too.

Cotton: The Fabric of Our Lives

Has anyone ever noticed that none of these commercials have anything to to do with cotton? Until they play that jingle and flash the logo, it may as well be a commercial for an investment group or a department store.

Triaminic Cough Syrup: Too Much Cough Syrup

"We worry about too much TV, too much candy, but too much cough syrup? We had no idea." No, of course not. Get a clue. It isn't as if it's patently obvious. First of all, the problem with TV is not quantity but quality- how much the kids watch, after all, isn't nearly as important as what they watch. Second, too much candy is not an issue; baby teeth fall out. At most, either of those are long-term problems at best, whereas an overdose on cough syrup and giving the wrong kind of medication is a really bad idea in any term.

Any suggestions?

And heck, if you just want to write with a comment or any other suggestions, go ahead.