Mimi and Ted had been married for over 9 years and
had two girls, Kate, five, and Emily, eight. Their marriage had been
somewhat contentious since Ted was overbearing, inconsiderate and sometimes
abusive. Mimi had stoically accepted her role as a dutiful, uncomplaining,
stay-at-home wife who relinquished a promising career as a college graduate
to raise her children.
Finally, Ted met a woman at work who seemed perfectly
compatible with him. So he began sleeping with her. He informed
Mimi and agonized over whether or not he should leave Mimi. When Mimi could
stand it no longer she told Ted to "Go!"
This upset the two children, as any separation of
parents usually does. However, unlike Mimi, Ted made the situation
worse by letting his children think his wife might be the cause.
Soon after the separation, Mimi joined a "displaced spouses'
workshop at the Y." In the process Mimi discovered that Ted's sexual encounter
was a minor matter compared to the fact that she was not really in love with
Ted after all of these years. She realized that she now enjoyed a type of
freedom and self-worth unknown before. Actually, she felt that she and Ted
were really incompatible all along. She even met another man she liked
quite well. And this, of course, upset her children even more and played
into Ted's scheme of things better than ever.
It wasn't long before Ted's infatuation with his mistress
wore off and he wanted to come back home to live. Ted used his visits
with the children to have both kids put extreme pressure on Mimi
for a reconciliation. The situation became intolerable for Mimi as
the children began misusing their mother every way they could for refusing
to accept Ted back into the home. The children couldn't understand why their
mother would refuse when Ted said he was "sorry!" So a counselor was sought.
"A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION:"
The counselor suggested that Mimi
try to explain to her children that Ted and she were never really good friends
like friends who are married should be - even though both tried. Mimi
experienced some success with this. However it wasn't until Mimi persuaded
Ted to accompany her to the counselor that any real improvement occurred.
When the counselor persuaded Ted that he was drastically
harming the children (who were caught in the middle and whom he deeply loved),
Ted understood and agreed to a meeting with the whole family.
At the meeting Ted, at last, told the children that divorce
was the only adequate solution. The children broke down and cried until the
counselor and the parents assured the children that they would still have
two parents and that they were not the cause of the breakup. In the future
both parents would be available and with the children most of the time. The
kids were told that their security was in no way threatened. This
served to somewhat calm both
children.
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
In a "Harrison System" household
each child would become an intricate part (all for one and one for all) of
the whole family. Overbearing, inconsiderate, or abusive individuals would
not be tolerated by anyone in the household. Such abusive people would
be sued, whether they were children or
parents. Soon,
corrections would take place. Moreover, each child would understand
most of the family's business, problems and solutions.
Mimi would automatically have her two children on
her side and Ted could not mislead them. Fact is, Ted would never have
the nerve nor the will to look for a mistress, loving his kids (and his wife)
as he apparently did.
VIOLENCE OR CRIME
"The 7th Problem:"
Robin and Brad had recently divorced with Robin deciding
to move with Jeremy, their 10 year old son, to a nearby city where she got
a good job. Brad counselled his previously very responsible son against
the move because big cities were notorious for violence and crime.
For the first couple of months Jeremy liked his new school,
surroundings, and teacher. But then suddenly, without any recognizable reason,
he said he hated the city and wanted to move back where he was before.
After this he feigned illness and didn't want to go to school.
Soon, Jeremy's teacher informed Robin that Jeremy had
lost his books and had failed to return a note she had sent home.
When confronted by Robin, Jeremy lied and said he lost his wallet and misplaced
his books so that he couldn't do homework. Robin blamed Brad for scaring
the lad, so both sought a counselor.
"A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION:"
It wasn't until the counselor talked
to Jeremy alone that she came upon the cause of the problem. It
seems that Jeremy had been mugged on the way home from school by an older
and larger boy who stole Jeremy's wallet and books. Jeremy
felt guilty because he believed that his mother and especially his dad would
fault him for not standing up to the bully - despite the thief having
stated that he had a knife and would cut Jeremy if he told anybody. Jeremy
didn't want anybody, especially his dad, to know what a baby he'd been.
Jeremy was really astonished when the counselor helped
him to tell his parents and to receive the justified support from
both that he deserved. Even his teacher and schoolmates praised
him for not resisting and possibly getting hurt.
This is what the counselor sagely said in conclusion:
"Often, parents are reluctant to seek professional help for a troubled
child because they don't want to embark on (possibly) months of
treatment."
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
Such a problem would not occur in
a "System" household or classroom. Jeremy would immediately want
to explain to the "Family Council" what happened and have
the whole household on his side. The same would occur in a System classroom.
In fact, if the self accountable thief was at a System school he would never
have taken the wallet and books in the first place. Or, if he had,
his classmates (or even friends) would have reported any evidence he showed
them afterwards.
"The 8th Problem:"
Jenny, age 12, was the victim of
a rapist in the local park where she was snow sledding. That day she
stayed until it became dark and was offered a ride home by a man dressed
as a policeman.
Stan and Claudia, Jenny's parents, reluctantly agreed
with Jenny that it should be kept as secret as possible (only the police
were involved). They hoped this would help Jenny put the terrible experience
behind her as quickly as possible. However, it didn't work out that way.
Jenny obviously suffered daily and Claudia found it hard not to try and comfort
her. But Stan cautioned her not to do so, since Jenny was a private person
like himself and wanted to handle things without interference from
Claudia.
It wasn't until Jenny's teacher
surprisingly suggested that Jenny might need a counselor that her parents
realized the "cat was out of the bag." Her teacher stated that it wasn't
fair to Jenny to feel guilty when it wasn't her fault. Since this
information was so perfectly correct and her rape now already public
knowledge, Stan and Claudia sought a counselor for
themselves.
"A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION:"
The counselor suggested to Stan and Claudia that
talking with Jenny was the proper course of action since solutions are
usually arrived at by talking them out rather than by secrecy. Finally, even
Stan agreed. And, more importantly, Jenny agreed to come and see the
counselor.
It was as her teacher (and the counselor) suspected,
Jenny was filled with fear and self-blame. She shouldn't have remained
after dark. She shouldn't have taken the ride home. She should have
fought the rapist. After the counselor explained that Jenny's actions
were not only all right but smart since the rapist had a knife, Jenny began
to feel better about herself.
About three weeks after Jenny's self-improvement,
the secrecy of Jenny's rape became openly public. It seems Jenny's
classmates wrote: "Jenny is a Slut!" on the blackboard. The classroom's teacher
immediately began a lengthy explanation that turned things around.
The teacher compared Jenny's situation with a person
who had been robbed, mugged or run over by a car. Eventually, the class
understood and viewed Jenny sympathetically and as a victim who had done
nothing wrong. But perhaps of even more importance, Jenny came to view
herself similarly.
As Jenny improved, Stan deteriorated. He wanted to
kill the rapist and thought of revenge when the rapist was caught. The
counselor calmed him by suggesting Stan was giving the wrong message to Jenny.
Instead, he should help Jenny have the courage to convict the
rapist. Also, Stan and Claudia should help Jenny understand the difference
between what happened to her and normal lovemaking between a husband and
wife, otherwise it might affect her possible marriage in the future.
As a final suggestion, the counselor stated that the
parents should not be overprotective of their daughter as a result of
what happened to her, as is often done in such a case. The counselor
sagely concluded that . . . . "nothing is so terrible that we can't
overcome it, as long as we can talk about it and there's someone there to
listen."
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
By now you should already know that the System is
designed to fix problems before they become problems. In other words, it's
a preventive program. The System might not have prevented Jenny's
rape, however, it definitely could've prevented many of the problems that
occurred afterward. Nevertheless, a System trained and self
accountable Jenny probably would not have remained out sledding so late
nor would she have accepted a ride with a stranger even though he was
a cop, and especially not as long as the cop's car was an ordinary passenger
vehicle (which it happened to be).
Jenny would know that she would have had the full
support and advice of her whole family and would not have been embarrassed
nor ashamed to talk about the facts of the case to other household members.
In no way would she feel any guilt was hers. Her self-worth could not have
been diminished nor would help from her family have been withheld
in any way. The System's "all for one and one for all" concept would
have even been extended (where possible by her family) to her schoolmates,
if it was needed - as it was in this case. In fact, if Jenny's classmates
had been self accountability trained, nothing derogatory would have been
written on the blackboard.
The counselor and teacher, in Jenny's case, did
an excellent job - after the fact. But, the System could have done
almost the same thing - before the fact - and spared Jenny and the family
a lot of sorrow and pain.
PHYSICAL HANDICAPS
"The 9th Problem:"
Ron and Antonia
have a six year old boy called Michael who was born with cerebral palsy
- but not retarded. The facts were that Antonia had gone small boat
sailing when she was within three weeks of delivery. Michael came out choking
on his umbilical cord and Antonia felt guilty.
As Michael grew up Antonia babied him - much
to Ron's disapproval and his eleven year old sister's jealousy. As Michael
grew older, the sister, called Nell, now often received verbal and physical
abuse from Michael with the mother usually siding with Michael. To pacify
both Michael and her guilt, Antonia let Michael stay home from school, gave
him special meals, bought him gifts, and catered to him and protected
him every way she could - both at home and at school - much to Ron's,
Nell's, and his teacher's dismay.
It wasn't until a favorite neighborhood boyfriend
of Michael moved away and then invited Michael and his family to visit that
things came to a head. Michael's selfishness and discourtesy resulted
in the family being told that there would be no return visit in the future.
Finally, a counselor was sought.
"A MANAGEMENT SOLUTION:"
The counselor asked Ron and Antonia
what needed fixing first and the most. Both replied: "Mornings!"
It seems Michael made everyone late because of his dawdling, the yelling,
and special attention required.
The counselor suggested that Michael be prepared for
school the day before or at least earlier in the morning. If Michael didn't
like things as they were, he could learn to do them differently himself.
And, if he performed satisfactorily, he should be awarded a colored
star on his calendar for the day.
A few weeks later Michael proudly showed the counselor
his calendar covered with stars. Michael and the counselor role-played proper
behavior. Michael's attitude and behavior gradually improved at home and
at school.
Antonia was counseled to give Michael the best gift she
could give him: "Limits!" So Michael was assigned chores. Ron encouraged
and Antonia held firm. At first Michael had tried to rebel but finally gave
in. The parents were delighted.
The counselor, in conclusion, sagely remarked: "Asking
little or nothing of a child only reinforces his sense of inadequacy. But
there are few things that children value - and relish - quite so much as
their own accomplishments."
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
The System is solidly based upon self accountability
from which flows self responsibility, self motivation, self discipline,
self-control, self-management, and etc. The crippled, the handicapped,
etc. need - no, must have - such attitudes built into their upbringing.
The greatest disservice parents can do for such kids, no matter the child's
disability or the parent's guilt, is to do things for them that they can
do for themselves. Such children need a self-reliance ability much more than
any normal child. The System places the desire strictly in the hands and
within the will of the child involved. This should also eliminate
all sense of guilt on the part of parents or the teacher.
If the child wants to try to accomplish things
using the System, he or she KNOWS (as well as parents) that the reward
awaits; help is available for the asking; and that what is accomplished
depends solely upon himself or herself. Management methods unfortunately
can only offer a pseudo accomplishment for children that everybody knows
actually depends solely upon the manager involved. In other words, everything
accomplished really flows from the goodness of the parent, teacher,
or manager - which may build the manager's ego but seldom does much for the
child, except to create a need to seek more or the same.