Marge's Guide To Glamour
~ Low on lip-gloss? Try smearing a pat of butter across your mouth. It keeps your lips just as shiny and boy, is it ever alluring!
(I have to practially pry Homer off when I'm wearing it.)
~ Eliminate hard-to-get-at navel dirt with an eletric toothbrush, cornmeal, and some bleach.
Works well on bunions, too!
~ Tired of spending a fortune on over-priced toilet water?
Just use the the real thing!
~ Cover those unsightly blemishes with a yellow high-lighter.
No one will know!
~ Keep your head looking it's perkiest by substituting varnish for hairspray.
{Warning: let hair dry completely before putting on any headgear.}
And remember: Beauty is only skin deep so keep your skin on at all times!
Springfield's Top Tourist Attractions
1. The Bottomless Pit:
Still Springfield's favorite dumpsite! However, some wacko enviromentalists insist that there is no such thing as a bottomless pit. And the fact that the hole has been overflowing with debirs since 1987 may lend some credence to their crazy, alarmist claims.
2. Springfield Tire Dump
Sending particulate matter into the atmosphere for the past 70 years. And home of the smell that made Springfield famous!
3. Lake Burns
Nestled at the foot of the majestic Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, this unique body of water is home to such oddites of nature as the giant 6-legged beaver, the phosphorescent bullfrog, the 3-eyed fish, and the half-man, half-alligator creature known as Gatorman.
4. Filth Mountain
As the name implies, this spectacular 2,248-foot high peak on the outskrits of Springfield is made entirely of garbage! Guided walking tours are offered Tuesday-Saturday. Camping facilities and RV hook-ups also available. Please don't drink from the raw sewage creek, however.
Homer Simpson's Rules To Live By
Rule #1: Those who can, do.
Rule #2: Those who can't, get to goof off & take naps on the job while those who can do their work for them.
Rule #3: Be here now, or forever hold your peace.
Rule #4: If God ment for us to be thin & healthy, he would never have invented cheese soup.
Rule #5: There is no mistake so huge that you can't squirm out of it by blaming someone else.
Rule #6: Never underestimate the power of groveling.
Rule #7: If at first you don't succeed, give up.
Rule #8: Don't worry. Eat chili.
Maggie Simpson's Bottom 14
14. Gerald, the one-eyebrowed baby
13. Getting a saliva bath from Santa's Little Helper.
12. Teething.
11. Anything that won't fit in her mouth.
10. All those silly infants who insist on
jumping on the Barney bandwagon.
9. Being buried in the backyard by Santa's Little Helper.
8. Pacifiers in any color besides red.
7. Crawling on gravel.
6. Being talked down to by nursery-schoolers.
5. The taste of Snowball II's hair-balls.
4. Being picked up by the scruff of her neck by
Santa's Little Helper.
3. All those frightening nursery rhymes.
2. Strained Beets. Especially for breakfast.
1. Being left alone with Homer.
Patty & Selma's Surefire Gude To Trapping Yourself A Man
Step 1: To catch a mouse, you need a ripe piece of cheese.
Step 2: Don't take 'no' for an answer. If your man tries to bolt, lock the door & swallow the key.
Step 3: If by some chance he escapes, hunt him down. (If he heads for rugged terrain, it helps to have a 4-wheel drive vehicle.) Eventually he'll tire, and you can bag him with a tranquilizer gun & a burlap sack.
Step 4: Once you've got your man firmly secured, begin a regular program of feedings, coupled with a steady barrage of belittlement & intimidation. Eventually, he'll feel so bad about himself, he'll think he's lucky to have you.
Apu's Bottom 10
10. Trying to stay away 24 hours a day.
9. The constant squeak of the heat-lamp-dog rollers.
8. The creeping sensation of the elastic in my Sans-A-Belt slacks wearing out.
7. The long onely hour between 4 & 5am
6. Foxy ladies who want to play connect-the-dots with the ebullet scars on my chest.
5. The way all my freezer goods have bites taken out of them after Homer Simpson visits my store.
4. Those pesky experation dates on the milk cartons that always need updating.
3. The quite painful way the cash register drawer slams into my stomach every time I ring up a sale.
2. Having to wipe off the greasy kid sweat from the video game joy-sticks every afternoon.
1. The feel of hot bullets searing my flesh.
Lunchlady Doris's Daily Specials
Monday:
Hawaiian Poo Poo Platter
Luau Log
Pineapple rings in extra extra heavy syrup
Yam Yam Yum Yums
Poi Pops
Tuesday:
Savory Organ Medley with Crackly Bits
Groundskeeper Willie's Crabgrass Surprise
Salt Licks
Wednesday:
Li'l Packets O'Mystery (In Secret Sauce!)
Griddle Remnants in Savory Grease
Ice Shavings served with Lemon Wedges
Thursday:
Meat By-Product a la King
Lard Cakes
Marshmellows in Agar
Friday:
"Fish" Sticks
Imitastion Tartar Sauce
Baking Soda & Vinegar Smoothies
Snout Pudding
Now, without saying one more word--here are my pages:
Maz's Simpson Links
Mazonga's Page From Last Week
Tracey's Assorted Oddnesses
Tracey's Music Page
Tracey's Conan O'Brien Page
*Tracey's Conan Pics*
*Tracey's Conan Pics 2*
The Beanaholic's Home Page
Beanaholics Newsletters
All About Biffah!
DISCLAIMER TIME!!
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