Melrose Place
Episode #135 / Season #5
Title: "Hunka Hunka Burning Love"
Original Air Date: Monday, September 30, 1996


Synopsis

[MP Courtyard]
Billy is visibly distraught after discovering he's become the joke of Jake and Alison. Just think how he'd feel if he knew how his viewers have felt for so long now! He struggles to unlock his apartment door, but the lock seems to be laughing him in the face. Granted, Jake may have whooped his ass a little earlier, but now it's Billy's turn to do the kicking. He shows no mercy as he starts beating up on the door as only a soccer player knows how -- with his feet of course. His technique only reinforces why he garnered more than a few splinters on his behind "playing" for the L.A. Galaxy. As he finally busts the door open, Sam enters the courtyard. She stops and asks Billy if he's alright. He tells her to mind her own business and not to worry for he has feet of clay. Realizing he must've taken one header too many, she makes a beeline towards her apartment. When Billy adds, "Just leave me alone," Sam replies, in her best Sandra Bullock voice, "Yeah, I think I'll do that -- jerk." Now how did she know what Billy was planning to do in the privacy of his bedroom later that evening?

[Beach House]
Michael comes home only to find Kimberly sitting on the bed in the dark. She's concerned because the medical board is reviewing her license. She tries to ready herself for the inevitable life of misery. Whether she means life without a medical license or having to live with horny Mancini the rest of her life, we can only guess. However, the fact that when Michael tries to comfort her by kissing the nape of her neck and placing his hand around her waist it sent shivers down her spine and her body to cringe leads me to believe the latter. Add to that her statement, "All this thinking about the past and the future, I'm not really in the mood." The proof is in the pudding!

[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Open with a shot of the pool, but behold, no Pool-boy! With the plethora of new and uninteresting characters, there seems to be no room for one of the few people who really works for a living. Amanda, wrapped comfortably in her leopard sheets, awakes to the nibbling by her recently-released-from-jail hubby, Peter. Apparently, he's still dressed in his slacks, white shirt, tie, and suspenders he was wearing from the night before, which must be awfully uncomfortable to sleep in but makes getting to the office in the morning a breeze! And the office is exactly where he's headed, so that he can get the Burns-Mancini business back on track. He tells Amanda there's no time for sex, and that later they need to discuss moving out of her dinky apartment and back into his gorgeous house. He's more interested in the merging of furniture than the merging of bodies.

[Shooters]
Alison finds Jake hanging out in the storage room. She wants to know why he didn't stay at her place last night so he explains that he needed some time alone to sort things out. Unfortunately, whenever he has this feeling, he goes to Shooters and separates the empties by bottle color. He didn't realize "sorting things out" was a figure of speech. "Look, the bottom line is, we got together pretty quick and thinking didn't have a whole lot to do with it" Jake says. Now that several weeks have past, Jake figures maybe it's a good time to actually start thinking about their actions. When Alison realizes that Jake is trying to be considerate of Jane's feelings, she explodes in anger. Jake is taken aback. After all, he says to Alison, "You bent over backwards..." (Here I thought he was about to describe one of their favorite positions) "...to protect your precious Billy." She argues that they both agreed to protect Billy but she never agreed to anything for Jane, so all Jake can do is stick his tail between his legs and whimper, "Uh, yeah." But now that Billy knows, Alison could care less about the feelings of the others, and if people can't accept their relationship, then they can go to hell for all she cares.

[Burns-Mancini Office]
Wow, Peter's out of jail and what-da-ya-know, Syd's behind the desk, bright and early! Peter asks nonchalantly if there were any messages, as though he's been out of the office for only an afternoon. Syd shows him several stacks of "While You Were Away" notes, some probably from patients waiting "patiently" in the O.R.! Syd tries to tell Peter about the financial woes that the business has been experiencing during his stint in prison, but he shuts her up, telling her that paying the bills is just one of her responsibilities. Syd then tells him that he already has a patient waiting for him in his office. Peter enters to find a woman by the name of Ms. McBride. When he asks how he can help her she says by telling her she looks familiar. Oh, and if he can do something about this heart murmur that she's had since she was a child in MISSOURI (Hint. Hint.), it would be the icing on the cake. You know, Missouri, where Peter was many years ago, known then as Peter "Howell." Oh yeah, her father also had a murmur. Peter doesn't recognize her, possible due to the bad lip job, so she helps him out by telling him she's a new resident at MP. Then he has her schedule a full physical. Maybe he can control that murmur and do some lip-o-suction to bring down her swelling while he's at it.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Michael catches Matt in the hall, and starts check him for dilated pupils in the middle of one of the hospital corridors. Matt may look a mess but at least he's wearing his name tag and stethoscope. Matt says he's drug-free now that he's done with midterms. That's good advice to know if you're planning a hospital stay -- don't go during midterms or finals! Michael still warns Matt that Dr. Shulman is keeping an eye on Matt and since Matt used Michael's prescription pad, Michael's being watched too. Michael then recounts his trials and tribulations on how he used speed to get through exams, rounds, and rotations. If Matt continues, he might very well end up like Michael. Now, if this isn't enough to scare Matt straight (no, not his sexual preference) then I don't know what will.

[Peter's Gorgeous House]
Amanda sits in her XJS waiting as Peter pulls into his driveway. So anxious to consummate their marriage, he leaves his headlights on (chalk up the Melrose blunder of the week). He sweeps Amanda off her feet to carry her over the threshold, and by the view we get of Amanda's obvious "ass"ets, we now why she was wearing pants for this scene. Well, before Peter can enter the house, a family with screaming brats comes running out, followed by a real estate agent. It seems that while Peter was being unjustly incarcerated, Syd gave approval to have his home sold, escrow closing just a day earlier. So Peter finds himself joining the ranks of the homeless in L.A. But at least there's Amanda's 800 sq. ft. apartment. But if he thought his days of living in a jail cell were over, think again.

[MP, Billy's Apt]
Alison stops by Billy's to explain that the reason she and Jake didn't tell Billy about their relationship earlier was to protect him, sort of their version of safe sex. Then she asks that Billy give them his blessing, which causes Billy to snort. Billy proceeds to tell her, even though it's taken him awhile, he's figured out that the reason she stood him up that night was because it was the same night Jake "stood up," leading Alison to beg for satisfaction. Billy comments, "You enjoy pulling the wool over my eyes. Why not? You're good at it." (While Billy prefers lambskin, Jake prefers latex pulled over his eyes.) Then Billy adds, "This whole time we've known each other I never knew you were such a slut." Touche!

[Burns-Mancini Office]
Peter discovered that by trying to dodge taxes by listing all his property under the corporate umbrella, it gave Syd the legal rights to sell his home in order to keep the business afloat and to pay for his legal debts, something that Amanda apparently neglected to help with. As a thank-you gesture, Peter burns her by firing her on the spot. Sydney can't believe it, saying that you give and you give and you give, and still no appreciation. I don't know, but I think Sydney's been in the clouds longer than Shannon Lucid if she thinks selling all his belongings was being helpful.

[Kyle's (The Restaurant)]
Kyle and Taylor are alone for a short time while the construction crew is on its break. Kyle figures this would be the perfect time to christen the place by having sex all over the counter tops and tablecloths. What's with this Kyle? Recall when he saw their apartment for the first time, its vacantness got his hormones pumping, and now he wants to go at it in their newly enovated trattoria? It could be worse I guess -- he could be like a male dog claiming his territory. Anyway, tears are streaming from Taylor's eyes. Maybe she bit her lip while she was eating. No, as it turns out, she's been having second thoughts about moving to L.A. The people in L.A. just don't have the same compassion as they do in Boston. Here, they actually say hello to you on the street. She asks Kyle if they could go back home. Kyle, figuring he's supposed to say yes again, assumes her behavior has to do with him and the taboo topic that they're "never supposed to discuss." He said he's paid his dues and he wants her to drop it. Then they christen.

[Wilshire Memorial]
The medical board has called Kimberly to meet with them because of a report filed by a nurse formerly employed at the mental facility, Willowbridge Institute, which details incidents of gross misconduct and abuse while Kimberly was acting director there. As a result, they have no other choice but to suspend her medical license for a period of ninety days, which seems unjust in a series where nothing remains unresolved longer than two to three weeks. But rather than torment viewers to 90 days of boring "pity me" storylines, Kimberly volunteers to surrender her medical license effective immediately. She feels this is the right thing to do, especially after recalling all the horrid things she's done over the past couple of years. Last week, she couldn't even remember what she had for dinner or with whom (Peter), yet this week she can seemingly recall all of her past atrocities?

[Jane's (The Boutique)]
First of all, I wish the writers were just a tad more creative so that when I write Jane's, you know it's either her apartment or her boutique, one or the other. But since when have the writers paid any attention to their fans' requests? Syd visits Jane at Jane's, where Sam is still busy at work. Syd tells Jane that she was fired and was hoping that she could get a job a Jane's, maybe even becoming a partner by investing some of her savings into the store. Jane thinks it's a wonderful idea and that it would help bring the two of them closer than even the Richard incident did. Jane tells Sam that Syd's going to start working there and Sam thinks it's just peachy. Even after Syd informs Sam that some of her shifts will have to be reworked in order to accommodate Syd's schedule, Sam still looks at them donning a big smile. Considering she has yet to get paid anyway, Sam must figure, what the heck if some of her hours are cut. Then Billy drops in. He is customer #3, but don't expect him to buy much. Jane invites him to the grand opening party that she's planning on having and he seems really thrilled when he hears that Jake and Alison will be invited too. Billy approaches Sam with the line, "So, I uh, asked around to find out where you worked." Yeah, who's going to know where she worked except Jane! Anyway, he apologizes and asks her out, and despite her gut feelings, she accepts the offer.

[Bar & Grille]
My goodness, people celebrating at a bar other than Shooters! But once inside, it looks incredibly like Shooters, the only difference being the waitress' outfits are uglier! Matt and a bunch of med school buddies are celebrating the survival of midterms and the effects of drugs -- not on patients but on students! Matt is beat and wants to go home but his pals want him to pull another all-nighter. A buddy tells Matt that he wants Matt to meet a special friend of his at one of the clubs later that night. With that, he gives Matt what appears to be an orange "Good & Fruity." Perfect for Matt. He tells Matt it'll give him the energy he needs. Later that evening, as Matt is driving down the road, steering with his hands and sometimes with his forehead, the next thing he knows, he's barreling into a gas station parking lot. He stumbles to a pay phone, manages to dial 9-1-1 and pleas for help. Of course, he'll end up at Wilshire Memorial, the mutha of all hospitals.

[Shooters]
Jane shows up to invite Jake to the grand opening, telling him that it would mean a lot to her. Jake admits he's somewhat surprised, feeling as though they weren't even friends anymore. She leaves as Billy enters. When Billy asks Jake how Jane feels about Jake and Alison doing each other, Jake tells Billy she doesn't know yet and he asks Billy not to discuss it with her until Jake has had a chance to break the news.

[Beach House]
Michael's getting ready for work and notices that Kimberly's dressed in a T-shirt and skirt. "You look like you're ready for an interview" he says. Well, it turns out that her interview was the day before, because she is now the temporary receptionist at Burns-Mancini, filling in for Sydney. Of course, just like when Alison went from ad exec to barmaid, I'm sure Kimberly's salary has remained the same in her job transition from doctor to receptionist.

[MP, Courtyard]
Amanda's on her way to somewhere, obviously not work because she's not wearing her patented office-mini. She is stopped in the front corridor by Taylor, who has both an apology and a proposition. She apologizes for being so nosy, telling Amanda that she saw the newspaper article about Peter the killer and that curiosity got the better of her. If anyone has the lips to kiss ass, it's Taylor, and she does a good job of it with Amanda. Now for the proposition. She tells Amanda about needing an advertiser for their restaurant, but Amanda says she only deals with "national" accounts. Taylor mentions that they also have a restaurant in Boston so that would qualify them as national. Then she invites Amanda to have a complimentary lunch at Kyle's (The Restaurant) and that she can decide after that whether or not to handle their account.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Matt was admitted to the hospital, and Michael stops by during his rounds to pay him a visit. Michael shows Matt the medical report, which states that Matt was high as a kite on PGP (oops, I've been on the Internet too long), I mean, PCP. Michael tells Matt the only way to get him clean is for Michael to report him to Dr. Shulman. When Matt hears this, he goes ballistic, as if still on PCP, yelling "What? Do you think you're some kind of (m)oral barometer, because that's a joke!" Then he grabs Michael, pins him against the wall, and tells him that if he goes to Dr. Shulman, that Matt will tell her that Michael is the one selling him the drugs, in effect, blackmailing Michael into silence. Oh, what has this world come to, when the honorable Matt Fielding succumbs to such devious tactics?

[Kyle's]
Amanda pays the McBrides' restaurant a visit for lunch. Kyle puts on his ass-kissing lips but they pale in comparison to his wife's. Kyle tells Amanda she'll die over his pumpkin-onion latte, which could only be a successful drink in L.A. Kyle goes back into the kitchen as the two women seat themselves down over some wine. Not that they know each other, but Taylor confides in Amanda that she and Kyle had problems back in Boston, namely, that Kyle had an affair. But Taylor wrote it off, saying "Marriage is a funny thing. It goes through changes and keeps on ticking. But I don't have to tell you that, do I?" Amanda replies that she doesn't consider "...infidelity a change. If my husband was ever unfaithful, our marriage would be over faster than you could say settlement." This news really gets Taylor's ears to perk up.

[Fancy Restaurant]
Billy and Samantha are on their date. He takes her to the same restaurant where he was when Alison stood him up that fateful night. At least this time Billy had the good sense not to rent out the entire restaurant! Billy asks Sam to tell him her life story, which she gladly does, only you can't understand a thing she says because her mouth is stuffed like a quahog. I know Jane isn't paying the poor girl, but is she really this hungry? Anyway, it doesn't matter that her conversation is unintelligible, because Billy is off in space himself, still dreaming about his Alison. Finally, Billy admits that this date just isn't going to work. He admits that he thought that going out with somebody "wonderful" would make him get over what happened with Alison. "But it didn't" Sam notes. Meaning, she is wonderful or Billy can't get a grip?

[Alison's Apt]
Jane stops by to check out the new place. "Oh, I love it!" Jane exclaims, which is obviously a lie considering she just stepped through the front door and everything is still in boxes. Then Jane says, "Alison, can I be honest with you?" (Well, you haven't been so far, Janie!) She proceeds to explain that the real reason she's there is because she misses her friendship with Alison, blah, blah, blah. She invites Alison to the grand opening. As she's leaving, she notices one of Jake's shirts draped over a chair. Alison says that Jake must've left it there the day of the move (the day Jake made the earth move, not her boxes, that is!) Jane offers to take the shirt back to Melrose Place, saving Alison a trip, then leaves with a slight amount of suspicion showing on her face.

[Jane's]
This is the grand opening party and the boutique is booming. Funny how free food and drink can really fill up a room. Jake arrives and Jane rushes over to greet him. Soon thereafter, Alison arrives, Jane's other "best" friend, and she helps the two of them to wine and appetizers. Only both of them have excuses why they can't stay long. Jane's a little disappointed, but is soon shuttled off to talk with some of the other guests at the party. Syd comments on how close Jake and Alison have become. Like a party scene from "Laugh-In" we jump to another corner of the room where Billy and Sam are talking. Billy apologizes -- again -- and offers her tix to a Sting concert at the Hollywood Bowl. She accepts. Music plays. Cut to another corner. "Verrrry interrresting. But stupid." Then a hush goes over the crowd, as Jane makes a toast, which sounds very much like a jingle from a Lowenbrau beer commercial: "Here's to good business, good customers, and good friends." Not to be outdone, Billy presents his toast: "Here's to Janie. She has great taste in clothing..." (How should he know, he's been wearing that same oversized jacket for three episodes now!), "...and lousy taste in friends..." (This he should know since he chose the same two people as his best friends earlier on.) "...Here's to Jake and Alison. Hoping that, that their sex is still good after everybody knows about their little secret affair. Ha ha ha ha ha ha." Jane kicks the two of them out. Cut to another corner where Sam asks, "Are you an idiot, or just plain cruel?" as she slaps the Sting ticket back into Billy's hands and leaves.

[Amanda's Apt]
Peter's laying on his stomach and Amanda is straddling him like she's riding a horse. She says, "This is comfortable, isn't it?" Peter answers, "Not bad, for 800 square feet of shared walls." Peter, I think she means her creamy thighs gripping your midsection! Amanda picks this moment to discuss what marriage really means. Peter figures it's 'till death do them part. But Amanda wonders about abuse and infidelity. Just then, there's a knock at the door. Taylor drops off a cake as a thank-you. Taylor peeks around Amanda and says hi to Peter. Amanda wonders what's up with that, so Peter tells her Taylor's nothing more than a new patient of his. Amanda then says to Peter, "Let's do something normal. Let's go tonight. Just get in a car and go anywhere!" Typical behavior, for those of us who own our own apartment building and medical practice that is.

[Gay Bar]
This has got to be a record. Yet another non-Shooters bar scene. Well, admittedly, the crowd here is a little different than you'd find at Shooters, except for Matt. Matt is approached by a young stud in a leather vest, who noticed that Matt has a lot of energy. Matt is somewhat intrigued by the mascara-touting hustler, and finally says, "What the hell. There's always a first time for everything." He grabs the pretty boy by his tie and drags him out to his Grand Cherokee. Matt asks the fellow, "So, um, how much does this sort of thing cost?" When he is told $15, Matt chuckles and reaches into his wallet for the cash, saying it's a bargain. As soon as the transaction is made, Matt gets the screwing of his life, as the stranger whips out his... badge! He's a cop, and he arrests Matt for soliciting prostitution. Well Matt, how does that saying go... there's a first time for everything?

[Alison's Apt]
Jane confronts Alison about pretending to be friends all the while sleeping with Jake. Alison says they didn't do anything wrong, obviously forgetting that she had promised to meet Billy that night but blew him off so that she could blow Jake off. Jane tells Alison she still loves Jake and that it's just not fair. With that she leaves, and seconds later Jake pops out of the bathroom asking what all the fuss is about. Jane, outside, peers into Alison's bedroom window where she sees Jake consoling Alison on the bed. "Hell hath no fury like a clumsy woman" and it proves true once again. Jane, horrified at witnessing the scene through the window, runs off. But in doing so, she stumbles over an electrical cord which just happens to be frayed and surrounded by dirty, oily, rags, and cans of paint thinner and turpentine. The frayed wire sparks and ignites the oily rag. By the time Jane reaches her car, she looks up and sees a bright orange ball of flame appearing to come from Alison's bedroom window. Talk about hot sex!

[To Be Continued...]

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Last Modified October 01, 1996