Melrose Place
Episode #109 / Season #4
Title: "Kimberly Does L.A."
Original Air Date: Monday, November 20, 1995

Synopsis

[Radio Station, K-CHAT 101.2 FM]
Dr. Joyce Brothers is thankful that she has finally found a sucker to replace her on her pathetic talk radio show; sex with the radio producer was becoming way too exhausting! It's Kimberly's show now. Listeners have been calling in; Kimberly seductively addresses their problems while caressing the enormous microphone and munching on Mr. Goodbars. (She likes the nuts the best!) The topic for tonight's program is "Knowing When It's Right Between You And Your Mate And Knowing When It's All Wrong." At least she's an expert at the "ALL WRONG" part, gaining experience weekly. She is on-the-air with her last caller for the evening, Vic of North Hollywood. He's depressed because the advice Kimberly gave him backfired. (We said she was good at WRONG relationships, not right ones!) He did what Kimberly had suggested and told his girlfriend that he cherished her, when what he should have done was slapped her around the way any man on Melrose Place would have done. Vic whines, "She enjoys the thrill of being with somebody new all the time." Kimberly, in her most sympathetic voice, replies "Maybe she just enjoys S-E-X SEX!" While he's talking, her pencil accidentally gets caught in her blouse zipper ring and her top completely unzips. Oh well, guess it's as good a time as any to have sex with the producer. He stumbles in, packing a microphone of his own. Her blouse falls off and she jumps him in the broadcast booth. The TV audience is relieved to discover that shock therapy may have some redeeming virtues after all, such as livening one's libido.

[Shelly's House]
Shelly can actually cook: smokehouse bacon and scrambled eggs with a touch of cream cheese. Jake seems a little distant. She leans over and tongues him. He flinches, "Yuk! Is that how you thank someone, for being so stupid that you can embezzle money from underneath them, by shoving regurgitated scrambled eggs down their throat?" Jake then asks what a computer is, and, for that matter, what a password is. Shelly misunderstands him and blurts out, "It's 'bartabs'. But are you asking because you want to know, or because you don't trust me?" Jake replies, "Huh?"

[D&D Advertising]
Amanda is on the phone with the cops, inquiring about her recently stolen car, when Peter walks in. He's there because he's been memorizing big medical terms for so long now that he doesn't understand simple words like "WE BROKE UP." She shows him a dictionary and then the door Before he leaves, he applies some more of that reverse psychology on Amanda, stuff that he had learned earlier from a crash course he took in order to treat Kimberly.

[Hart & Mancini Designs]
Jo and Richard are in the background, laughing it up over photos of more ridiculous male underwear designs that Richard has recently concocted. This drives Jane batty, so she calls Michael and invites him over for dinner the following night. Michael eagerly accepts.

[Burns-Mancini Mancini-Burns Medical Office]
Syd wants to know why the hell Jane just called. Michael makes up some lame excuse; Syd sympathizes with Jane, informing Michael that Jane and that Richard guy just broke up. She segue ways, describing the beef ribs she just ordered direct from Texas for a BBQ tomorrow night, but Michael says he has to be in surgery all that night, nicely covering the fact that he really just made a date with Janie. Poor Syd! This is the one time she should have eavesdropped on a phone call. Michael adds, "Honey, if you want to be the doctor's syd-nificant other, then you'd just better get used to it."

[D&D Advertising]
Alison drops off the keys to her old apartment with Amanda. Amanda states how difficult it will be to rent the place mid-month, but since Alison has joined the nouveau riche she says Amanda can keep her measly security deposit. Brooke eavesdrops, and when she learns of the vacancy, begs with Billy to snatch up the available two-bedroom nest. Billy says they can't afford it -- after all, they are only a dual-income couple with jobs as vice presidents at the most prestigious advertising agency in L.A.

[Shooters]
Kimberly moves in to Shooters to see whether it's a gay or straight bar. She asks Jake, who replies, "I make it my business to mind my own business, although, come to think of it, Shelly's minding my own business." Duh! Her leopard-skin top seems so appropriate as she hunts down her next prey. She eyes a young stud wearing a Bruce Jenner smile and invites him over. She tells him her name, and how she helps people out with their problems, especially when sex is involved. With that, he says hasta! Then he adds, his voice sounding just like the caller Vic on the radio program earlier, "Kimberly. Maybe we'll meet again sometime." She drools.

[Hayley's Mansion]
Alison arrives home. She's so happy, life couldn't be better. She's singing:

"Our house, is a very very very fine house
With two cats in the yard
Life used to be so hard..."

Her song is cut short, however, when Hayley introduces her to some unexpected guests, Grace and Mike Ostros and some woman named Irene. They also think it's a very very very fine house. So much so, that they want to buy it, and it just so happens that Hayley has it up for sale! Howwww conveeeeniennnnnt! Hayley springs the news on Alison and then walks away. Alison is flabbergasted. She says, very adult-like, "You can't just walk away from me like I'm some child that you don't have time to explain things to; I am your wife, dammit, and I need to know what's going on!" This throws Hayley into a temper tantrum, and he jumps up and down screaming, "It's MY house, dammit, and if I want to sell it, burn it, or paint it pink, it's MY choice. YOU UNDERSTAND ME! Waaaaa! Waaaa! Waaaa!" Then he makes her sign some papers, saying they're simply some claim deeds, but not to worry her "pretty little head" about it. These are such flattering words that Alison signs them without so much as a second glance as to what the papers really are.

[MP, Nighttime]
Billy surprises Brooke by renting Alison's old apartment after all. Despite Billy's stoic facial expression, you can sense the intense memories he's reliving by just being inside the old love nest he once shared with Alison. Brooke also detects this and tells Billy she doesn't want to move here if this he's going to keep making that stupid face. He promises not to, then makes that stupid face again and finally gives Brooke one of his patented fish pucker kisses.

[Hotel Room]
Bobby Parezi is sitting around, staring at an old picture of Amanda. Nick Diamond arrives, bringing over the right tools for the job. He butters up Bobby like only a sleazy family lawyer can, and offers himself as Bobby's emissary while he's in L.A. Nick shows Bobby the "tools," saying, "Here, pick your poison, Glock or Luger." Bobby reaches for one of the guns. "What the hell? It's all wet!" "Well, your daddy did tell me to scrub the serial numbers." Then Nick boasts, "I'd a killed the bitch myself if your daddy woulda let me." This thought upsets Bobby, and he goes ballistic on Nick, saying, "You're a lawyer. You kill people through their wallets, while I kill like a real man. You sleazy types kill our country while I've killed FOR our country. And now I'll have to kill for my family." This almost makes murder sound justifiable. Bobby looks like he's beginning to have trouble with the whole idea. Nick tries to ease the tension that's building by saying, "Well, if you hurry up and kill Amanda, we can go out and see the sights! I bought a map of the stars so we can check out Aaron Spelling's mansion and West Beverly High, too!"

[Burns-Mancini Mancini-Burns Medical Office]
Kimberly is in the waiting room, there for her daily session with Peter. Since Peter's not around, she decides to chit-chat with Sydney. Kimberly says she couldn't be happier that Syd and Michael are a couple again. Syd plays along, replying, "It's been one long honeymoon, filled with joy and love and great SEX." When Kimberly hears that secret word, "sex," she can't help but purr. Sydney asks, "How's your sex life? I can't imagine how satisfying it can be, uhhhemm, by yourself." Kimberly responds, "Actually, I've started dating lately; right now I'm meeting with Master Bates." Then a bouquet of flowers arrives from Michael and Kimberly gives her some words of wisdom: "When a man sends flowers it's because he's cheating on you." Finally, Peter enters. Kimberly tells him she feels she's cured so she's not coming to any more sessions. Then Syd asks him, "Peter, when do you send a woman flowers?" "Only when my relationship becomes stale and I feel the need to stray."

[Shooters]
The bar is extremely busy. Despite Jake doing everything he can to shoot himself in the foot, he's still making money. Shelly tells Jake she's going to the back room to do computer stuff. Matt protests. Now he'll have to wait on ALL the tables. Matt tells Jake that he thinks Shelly is up to something with that computer, besides virtual sex. Jake thinks it's ridiculous and tells Matt to drop the whole thing.

[Hollywood Hills]
Amanda is cruising Mulholland Drive in her new Jaguar convertible. Oh-oh, Bobby Parezi is following her in a sinister Benz. Somehow, she ends up on Peter's block and as she passes his house, she rubber-necks enough to catch a glimpse of him through a window. Unfortunately, she is soon stopped in her tracks by a motorcycle. She gets out to assess the damage to her new car, pissed-off that someone would leave a parked vehicle on the road of all places. Sensing the opportunity, Bobby pulls over, attaches a silencer to his gun, and starts to get out of his car. Just then, Peter rushes out to locate the source of all that crunching metal and shattering glass, so Bobby hops back in and zooms away. Bobby blew it -- he forgot that, when in California, drive-by shootings are the way to go! While Amanda and Peter wait for the tow truck for her car, and the trash truck for the motorcycle, she admits that she does tend to run away from relationships when they get too intense.

[MP, Jane's Apartment]
Jane has Michael over for dinner. Jane tells Michael that she wants to be "honest" with him. She says she's lonely and then tricks him into staying the night, even though it's only on the couch. Jane plants a juicy one on Michael's cheek, triggering the wrong head to do all his thinking. Alison calls, really in need of a friend, but Jane blows her off. Jane is getting pretty good at playing a friend: first with Jo, now with Alison, not to mention using Michael. The next morning, Jane waits until she sees Richard and Jo in the courtyard. Then she wakes Michael, who is still in a stupor, gives him his clothes, and pushes him out the door. Richard, seeing Michael scampering out, cringes at the thought of what might have taken place behind the green door. "Is she seeing him?" he asks Jo. This question in turn gets Jo's goat. (Jo, face it, you're jealous no matter who you're with!!)

[Hart & Mancini Designs]
Part 2 of Jane's plan. She walks into Richard's office wearing a dress she feels needs a lower neckline. She asks Richard if he would pin it for her. As he fumbles with the pins, she says she feels uncomfortable, then proceeds to extract a black bulletproof bra from underneath her outfit. "You know, we're going to get tons of exposure from this scene!" (We can all see that!) She talks about Michael as if they're seeing each other again, suckering Richard into asking, "Do you love him?" But before Jane can answer, Jo walks in and chokes. Jane leaves.

[Shooters]
Matt tells Jake that he logged onto the computer and that there's something fishy about the corporate checking account balance. "Dammit, Jake, I'm an expert at fudging numbers, and these numbers look funny if you ask me." He suggests that Jake go to the bank and verify it for himself. Jake agrees, but only to prove Matt wrong. Then Jake says that he'll fire Matt if Matt ever brings this up again.

[Hayley Mansion]
Alison is fast asleep. Hayley is pacing back and forth next to the bed, arguing about something on the cordless phone. Hayley must have forgot that there are nineteen other rooms he could be in while he's yelling, but instead he chooses this bedroom. Of course, Alison wakes up wondering what all the commotion is about. So Hayley makes up some story about a surprise he's been planning for her; his way of apologizing for the earlier surprise when he sold the mansion. It's the middle of the night but he wants her to pack so they can head out on the yacht. She didn't even know the first "honeymoon" was over and he already wants to go on a second one!

[Radio Station, K-CHAT 101.2 FM]
It's a pretty slow night. No callers. Maybe no listeners. Wait a minute! 101.2 on your FM dial? That's an awfully hard station to tune in considering there is no .2 on an FM dial!! Tonight's boring topic is "Truth And Who Decides It." Finally, a listener calls in. It's Vic, from North Hollywood. When she asks about his women troubles, he goes crazy. She reminds him of her "Connecting Theory," which he really hates because he feels it's just an excuse for women to screw around. Kimberly attempts to defend herself saying, "Maybe they're all whores, like me!" Then she hangs up on him, and says, "Let's take another caller -- hopefully someone less psychotic than myself." But her next caller is Vic again. Before she has a chance to hang up, he screams, "I THINK YOU'RE A DISGUSTING DIRTY SLUT!" Jeesh, Frasier never had it this tough!

[Shooters]
Jake is in early and counts up the receipts before Shelly has a chance. By the time she arrives for work, he's off to the bank. As soon as he's out the door, she quickly logs onto the Internet Banking System (hopefully using an encrypted security algorithm) and transfers $3000 from her account to his.

[Bank, Merchants Window]
Jake deposits the money and asks for an account balance. There is $3893.33. Then, in a moment of Matt-ness, i.e., he thinks, Jake asks for the balance from yesterday. "Sure," says the teller, "it was $893.33. Three thousand dollars were transferred in earlier today from another account." Even a stump like Jake can figure this one out.

[Shooters]
Diane Keaton, oops, I mean, Kimberly Shaw arrives hunting for fresh meat. She finds that guy with the "Bruce Jenner smile" stroking a pool cue. Kimberly promises him things will be different as long as he takes her to his place NOW. They leave together. For the sake of reference, let's give this guy a name -- hmmm, let's just call him Vic.

[Some Restaurant]
Amanda and Peter are just leaving, having had a quiet dinner together. Peter figures that the reason she invited him to dinner in the first place was to rekindle their relationship, but he's concerned that they are destined for failure unless she opens up and trusts him. She'd rather talk about dessert instead, but she finally gives in and tells Peter that there was someone before Jack, someone that she loved very much." "You must've been very young." notes Peter. "Yeah, I was, and so stupid." (Everybody all together now:) "HOW STUPID WERE YOU?" "I was soooo stupid, that I completely opened up and trusted someone, with all my heart and soul, actually. Then I married Jack and the rest is history. There, I talked, and I don't want to talk any more tonight." So Peter suggests, "All right, then why don't we go back to my place and simply make animal noises?" She neighs, and they agree to save it for another night.

[Vic's Apartment]
Kimberly and Vic arrive at his apartment, most likely undetected since they went up the back stairwell. It's so quiet you could hear a shirt button drop. Vic likes it that way, but Kimberly tells him she likes it loud. Then she throws him to the bed, literally RIPS his shirt off, and pounces and bounces and....

[Shelly's House]
Shelly arrives home only to find Jake waiting for her. He confronts her about her embezzling scheme and the one-way ticket to the Virgin Islands that he found. No one said she was too smart! When she realizes that the jig is up, she grabs a kitchen knife and the laptop and tries to escape. Being a vegetarian, however, she's not too good with the carving knife and Jake manages to wrestle her into submission. As he calls 9-1-1, all she can do is laugh hysterically and mumble, "You're screwed, Jake. You're screwed, Jake. You're screwed, Jake..."

[Vic's Apartment]
Kimberly awakes to find herself tied to the bedposts. "Hey, this isn't too bad" she thinks at first. But when Vic shoves a dirty sock in her mouth she feels he's crossed the line. He proceeds to introduce himself: "My name is Vic, but my friends call me -- Vic." C'mon Kimberly. What about all her "No More Victims" training, where she learned to swallow socks for breakfast!?!

[MP, Amanda's Apartment]
There's a knock on the door. Amanda figures it must be Peter trying to weasel his way in. But when she opens the door she is thrown back in shock: It's Bobby! "It's been a long time, Amanda. You look good." (Sounds like the same script they used when Jack first visited her.) Then Amanda tries slap him, calling him a bastard. (Yup, same script.) First, she wrestles with him, then she mumbles something about a woman's prerogative and proceeds to hug him, saying, "I thought I'd never see you again!"

[To Be Continued...]

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Last Modified November 22, 1995