Melrose Place
Episode #112 / Season #4
Title: "Oy! To the World"
Original Air Date: Monday, December 11, 1995

Synopsis

[Santa Barbara Regency Hotel]
Let's refresh your memory, not to mention Alison's drink: Billy had found Alison making love to Mr. Stoli in last week's closing scene. Alison's suite wreaks of vodka, which isn't saying much, considering IT IS vodka. Solemn Billy has his hands full comforting Alison, who seems to have become distraught after realizing she just wasted a bottle of vodka by throwing it at Billy. Seriously, tears are streaming down her face, probably from the onions she's been using to garnish her vodka gibsons. In a desperate attempt to comfort her, Billy admits that Hayley most likely loved her. This really sets her in a tailspin, as it only serves to emphasize why she went back to the bottle in the first place. When Billy causes her to realize she has no one else but herself to blame for her self-destruction (isn't that why they call it *self* destruction?), her message turns from pity to pithy -- she makes it clear that she wants Billy in bed NOW. She wants a real screwdriver! She tries to force her tongue into his mouth, but his jaw has been locked in that stoical position for so long that it just won't go. Alison pleads, "Don't pull away. Not now. Not when I need you. I know you still want me. Please Billy. Be the one person in my life that doesn't lay to me, I just want to get lied by you tonight." With that, Billy says in his best Popeye voice, "That's all I can take and I can't takes no more," sweeps her up in his arms and carries her off to the other room -- the bathroom, that is, and douses her with a cold shower. He turns and leaves, not without a slightly sadistic grin on his face, and Alison can only stand there and call out, "Billy, Billy, Billy?"

[MP, Amanda's Apartment]
It's 6:00 am, Amanda wakes and wants some from her bed partner Peter. He can't believe she's wakinghim this early for that! Who'd want that at the crack of daybreak? As you look at all the holiday decorations about the Melrose Place courtyard, you can't help but sing, "...It's Christmas time, in the city," even though the only snow in sight is the dandruff on Peter's pillowcase. They begin to roll around on those infamous leopard bed sheets, which must take its toll on Peter's eyes, only to be interrupted by some incessant knocking at her front door. The visitor is none other than Brooke, who just realized that she slept the whole night without Billy, who's actually been gone since yesterday afternoon. Brooke demands to know why Amanda sent him to Santa Barbara, considering he has no accounts up there. So Amanda breaks the news that although he doesn't, Alison does. With that, she slams the door in Brooke's pouting face. Meanwhile, Peter has dressed and is ready to leave. But Amanda didn't wake up at dawn for nothing -- she wants some and she wants it bad! She throws him onto the couch and starts devouring him. Despite her morning breath, her coaxing lips give credence to the saying, "Early to bed, early to RISE!"

[Santa Barbara Regency Hotel]
Back at the ranch, Billy opens the shades, the sunlight waking Alison. He's claims he's still there in order to do some more "damage control." Luckily for Alison, although she missed the luncheon yesterday with her, as she describes them, "anal clients," the actual presentation isn't until today. (Let's just hope it's not for a hemorrhoidal cream.) She has a slight hangover, however, or as Billy puts it, "You can't even blink without falling over. I'm taking the meeting." Alison protests, saying they're her clients. "Not if you look like this. I was up all night going over the reports. I'll do the presentation." Of course, since he pulled an all-nighter, he actually looks worse than she does. But Billy reminds Alison that all her clients know about her alcohol problem and that she could jeopardize her entire career if she tries to make this meeting. Either she understood and agreed with this line of reasoning, or his voice was really giving her a headache -- in any case she falls back into bed and Billy proceeds to meet with the clients.

[Hart & Mancini Designs]
Jane is having difficulty deciding on the center spread for one of the fashion layouts. Jo happens to be loitering around, something she has become very good at lately. So she offers her advice, which, to her surprise, Jane readily accepts. Jane explains that she's been a bitch, but only because of the pressures of a new job, the harassment she's received from her new haircut (which, by the way, seems to have an eerie yellow glow to it this week), blah blah blah. Unfortunately, Jo seems to forget things after a few episodes (e.g., in the previous episode, despite the jerk Jake was to her, Jo still appeared concerned about his well being as if there was no hostility between them), so it seems natural that Jo forgets the fact that Jane strong-armed her way into where she is today by forcing Richard to succumb to all of her terms. So instead of feeling indifferent, Jo and Jane bond, and in return, Jane promises to make it up to her and Richard. Just as this occurs, Richard calls Jane into his office with the intent of unveiling his plans to dissolve the partnership between them. But before he can do this, Jo interrupts. She takes Richard aside and tells him that this is not the time to drop the bomb on Jane. Besides, it's Christmas. Richard can't believe what a softy Jo is, but puts the papers away to please her, adding, "Too bad Jane won't know what a great gift you just gave her."

[Wilshire Memorial Hospital, Kimmy's Office]
Poor Sydney. She has now assumed the horizontal position on the couch, signs that she is worse off than we thought. She describes the fiasco at the restaurant, and how Kimberly's excellent advice backfired and as a result, Michael threatened to kick Syd out of the house. Kimberly reassures Sydney that Michael has no intentions of doing that. The two of them engage in some wonderful verbal exchanges:
Kimberly: "You need to focus. Think Sydney. What do you and Michael have in common?"
Sydney: "Two weeks ago, I would say it was, hating you. No offense."
Kimberly continues, saying that the best way for Sydney to gain Michael's acceptance is to help him succeed in his career. Kimberly explains that, "Michael's not satisfied with being a good doctor. He wants power and prestige. You could help him get it."
Sydney: "Right. My real name is Jeannie and I live in a bottle."
Then Kimberly presents an invitation to the Hospital's Charity Christmas Party. The chairwoman is ill, so they need someone to handle the final details. Since her earlier advice worked so well, Kimberly suggests that Sydney volunteer.
Sydney: "I can't do this."
Kimberly: "Sydney, we both know you could sell porno to the Pope if you put your mind to it." (Wow, a reference to the Pope. This really must be the Christmas episode!)
Kimberly continues, telling Sydney to make the party something special for Michael, something he'll never forget. Then Syd admits that with all the pressures lately, she's become a total wreck. No problem. Not only is Kimberly giving psychiatric advice, potentially ruining people's lives, but she actually has carte blanche to write prescriptions for drugs that only six episodes earlier, she herself was ingesting to make her what she is today. So she prescribes a real winner for Syd.
Kimberly: "It's the drug they gave me in the hospital. It works wonders. Look at me."
Sydney: "Sorry, but looking at you still kind of gives me the creeps."

[Shooters]
Matt can barely squeeze through the storage room. Seems that Jake made a double order to get them through New Years. Although Matt appreciates Jake hiring him, Matt feels the time has come to quit. He knows how Shelly screwed Jake, and that cutting a paycheck for him each week must be setting Jake back. After all, Matt makes a whole $3/hour. Jake is offended, asking "You think I can't afford you? If the day comes that I can't pay you, I'm bankrupt. Anyway, I took care of my money problems." Matt asks, "What happened, your fairy godmother come to your rescue?" To which Jake quickly replies, "Very funny Matt, but one more gay joke and you're fired!"

[Santa Barbara Regency Hotel]
Alison is strutting around in nothing but a slip when there is a knock at the door, a familiar rapping that we swear we heard only 10 minutes earlier. Alison approaches the door, expecting Billy (I guess that accounts for her attire.) "God, Billy. What took you so long?" To her surprise, it's Brooke who storms in, putting Alison on the defensive, and she quickly puts on a skirt. When Brooke accuses Alison of marrying, then killing her father and now seducing her husband, Alison quips, "Too bad you don't have a brother." Alison proceeds to patronize Brooke. Although Alison screams, "You storm in here acting completely irrational, making ludicrous accusations," considering she was expecting Billy yet she was wearing next to nothing, it kind of gives credence to Brooke's point-of-view. Just then, Billy saunters in. When Brooke confronts Billy about the affair, Billy surprises Alison by admitting the two of them had one night of unadulterated pleasure. In some of the best stoic acting ever seen this season, Billy rambles on that he risked everything for one empty moment, but that he doesn't ever want to see Alison again. The affair meant nothing and he asks that she stay out of their lives. Brooke demands they leave now, and she leads the way. As Billy starts to follow, Alison grabs him asking him if he's gone nuts. He replies, "I think so. I put my whole marriage on the line so don't blow it." What makes Billy think she'll honor that request. I mean, first of all, Amanda asked her not to blow the account presentation but she did everything in her power to screw it up, now Billy asks her not to blow the marriage that she would love to see dissolve?

[MP, Brooke & Billy's Apartment]
Billy and Brooke discuss the ramifications of his "affair." Luckily, she allows one affair per husband. Unfortunately, Billy blew his trump card on Alison, and he didn't even get any. They exchange some superficial love vows, Billy admitting that a family is very important to him, and he promises to be a better father than he is an actor. Then Brooke informs him that she suddenly hates their apartment, the one she fell in love with just a few episodes ago. She tells Billy that she found a house while he was away, and bought it. Then she warns Billy, "Just because I forgive, doesn't mean I forget. If you EVER stray again, I'll make sure that you never see your baby, and I mean it." With that threat off her chest, Brooke again feels relieved and happy.

[Burns-Mancini-Mancini-Burns Medical Office]
Michael is trying to get pointers from Peter on how to get strangers to donate such large sums of money. Peter says that he didn't do anything, and that Bobby is a transparent leech. Michael sighs, saying, "My leech has red hair and thinks she's Marla Trump." At first, we don't know if this conversation is between two physicians discussing medical techniques or about two characters on the show, but then we realize that these days, doctors "bleed patients" figuratively rather than physically. Just when we most expect it, Bobby Parezi shows up. Peter is getting as sick of Bobby's face (not to mention his acting) as the viewers, but Michael, on the other hand, would love to leech onto Jack's older bro. Michael begins to schmooze Bobby, offering to take him to lunch, but not before Syd arrives and introduces herself. When Bobby asks her if she knew his brother Jack, she replies, "We met while he was in a coma. But he seemed like a nice guy." Then Syd announces that she's chairing the Christmas Eve Party, but still needs to work out a few *small* details, such as finding a place to hold it! She asks Peter, but he "scrooges" her. Bobby then offers his rental mansion in Hancock Park. She declines, but Michael forces her to accept the offer. (Hmmm, I think the writer of this show may have an obsession with the Brady Bunch. Just look at the characters in this scene: Mike, Bobby, Peter -- even Tramp! Who knows, the next new character may be named either Greg or Johnny Bravo. But I digress....)

[Hart & Mancini Designs]
Jane brings Alison over to show her the party dresses that they'll wear at the big Charity Christmas Party. Alison is retelling her latest problems involving Billy and Brooke. Jane can only laugh, saying, "I love being friends with you, Alison. Next to you, my hair is normal." The room that the dresses are in is locked, so Jane goes into Richard's office to look for the key. She opens the same cabinet that Richard had shoved the documents in earlier. Jane somehow reaches for a key but pulls out the contract document instead, which is entitled "In the Matter of Dissolve partnership of Hart Mancini Designs - Richard Hart Vs. Jane Mancini." Alison can't believe that Jo could be responsible for this, but Jane reassures her that if pug-nosed Jo can steal away Richard (temporarily forgetting that she actually pushed him away), that Jo could do just about anything.

[MP, Courtyard at Night]
Alison is lugging a big box of stuff up the stairs. Out of the goodness of her heart, Amanda has let Alison move back into MP. Perceptive Billy arrives home, sees Alison dragging this box upward, and asks, "Uh, are you moving in?" Alison immediately begins the snide remarks, saying that the last thing she wants is to live in the same complex as Billy and Brooke. Billy comforts her by telling her that Brooke just bought a house so they'll be leaving soon anyway. The two of them begin bickering like only a true couple can, and we know immediately that these two were destined for each other. As Billy is about to storm off in a huff, Alison turns to him and says, "And for the record, you didn't want to sleep with me? Bull!"

[Streets of West Hollywood]
Matt and Alan, the bad actor with the broken wrist, are out on their second date, strolling the streets of West Hollywood. They each recall the day they came out of the closet. Alan explains it was during opening night in 10th grade, while he was playing Tony, in "West Side Story." He remembers, it was right after the big rumble. He was in Maria's arms and had just finished kissing her; her facial hair tickled him. The next thing he knew, he found himself wanting to kiss one of those Sharks or Jets with real mustaches. Next it's Matt's turn. He knew since he was ten years old, but waited until the senior prom for his coming out. Everybody was heading up to a cabin that night, but Matt didn't want to, so rather than go he admitted to his date and the others that he was gay. Matt and Alan then head off to Shooters, where all Matt does is complain that he was snubbed from the Christmas Party, but that one day, when he's a doctor, he hopes things will be different. Alan seems to be in his own world, replying, "You know, it's been a long time since I've seen anybody on a regular basis." And considering that Alan believes two dates constitutes a "regular basis," all I can say is, Matt, BE CAREFUL. Matt feels they should talk about this a little more, and he invites Alan over to his place.

[MP, Amanda's Apartment]
Two FBI agents pay Amanda a visit. They try to harass her, saying, "Reconsider your friendship with Bobby Parezi. He's as dirty as his old man. Be careful, lady, you have a real knack for attracting bad seeds." This is really beginning to sound like the Kennedy family we've come to know and love. Still, Amanda doesn't feel threatened in the least. Hey, she got rid of Jack, two FBI agents should be a piece of cake.

[Burns-Mancini-Mancini-Burns Medical Office]
The office has become a gigantic storage space for all the party decorations, not to mention the gaudy picture of the keynote speaker, who just happens to be Michael. Syd figures this is Michael's 15 minutes of fame. Then Michael stumbles upon Syd's prescription tranquilizers. He could care less why she needs the same medication that was used on a mad apartment bomber, but is only concerned that K. Shaw is the prescribing physician. Michael is afraid that he's probably part of a research project and that he'll be the cover story in "Wacko Weekly." When Michael wants to know what's in it for Kimberly, Syd tells him not to be such a worry-wart, saying, "Kimberly really does care, Michael. My hosting this party was her idea. Thanks to Kimberly, our life is going to be wonderful." That's all we need to hear to know that Michael is soon-to-be screwed.

[Wilshire Memorial Hospital]
Brooke is at the hospital for her scheduled appointment with Dr. Fisher. It seems that Brooke was never pregnant. Dr. Fisher explains, saying, "The lab traced the problem to technician error. Apparently your sample was accidentally switched with another. Don't feel bad, it happens all the time!" Compared to the lab, the staff of physicians seems stellar. Dr. Fisher continues, "I know this is very upsetting. If you want, I can recommend a good therapist....or Kimberly Shaw." So the viewers questions on how the baby was to be written out are finally answered. I can only breathe a sigh of relief since I figured the writers were planning on making the whole season a dream with Bobby (Parezi this time) in the shower. Anyway, Hayley's will did say the $1M was for her *unborn* child. Meanwhile, in another part of the hospital, Michael takes Kimberly aside and questions her qualifications and her ability to counsel Sydney. At first, you feel like siding with Michael, but when he brings up the issue of ethics, you know he doesn't really know what he's talking about.

[Bobby's Rental Mansion]
Amanda pays Bobby a visit. For some reason, he isn't talking out of the side of his mouth this week, and you can almost understand him. The reason she's there is to ask him to bring his cable business back to D&D. Since the FBI has told her not to do business with the Parezis, it's just the thing she wants to do. Jack pretends to resist, but eventually agrees to reopen the account. You can't help but wonder if agent Morrow and his sidekick are really Feds. They seem even sleazier than Jack or Bobby, which makes them ideal Parezi employees.

[MP, Brooke & Billy's Apartment]
"Silent Night" plays softly in the background. Brooke arrives home and sees the tree Billy has just finished decorating. As he explains it, "Now that we're packing to move, I figured I might as well decorate the tree." (Huh?) He shows the plush teddy bear he bought for the BABY. Then he gives her a gift -- a locket with their picture on one side and the other side reserved for the BABY. He wishes he could give her more; he doesn't know how to thank her for the gift she's carrying inside, you know, the BABY. Baby this, baby that. It's all the viewers have heard now for the past month and are getting pretty tired of it (in the accelerated time of MP, Brooke should've had the thing by now) and it's even wearing on Brooke who finally breaks down and cries.

[MP, Alison's Apartment]
Alison is sobbing, watching "It's a Wonderful Life" on television. Why she's crying is not quite clear since she's watching the bastardized Ted Turner version, colorized in several shades of brown, green, and pink. Jane barges in and turns the set off saying, "You're in no condition to watch that movie. Don't you know it has a happy ending!" Instead, Jane wants Alison to go with her to the Charity Christmas Party. Jane plans on networking with all the important people there.

[MP, Amanda's Apartment]
Peter arrives to pick up Amanda, but informs her that he doesn't really want to go anymore, now that it's at Bobby rental mansion. Amanda figures it's the right time to tell Peter that she's bringing Bobby's cable company account back to D&D. Then she kisses her way out of Peter being angry about the whole Bobby ordeal. Poor guy.

[Bobby's Rental Mansion]
The party seems to be a rip-roaring success. As soon as Jane arrives, Michael runs to her side like a little puppy dog, leaving "mahvalous" looking Sydney by her lonesome. Despite her choice in shrinks, Syd's no dummy. Even she figures Bobby is Amanda's mobster. Syd looks nice sans bows. Amanda and Peter arrive and Amanda immediately spots the "FBI" guys loitering around outside. So she runs over and hassles them. Peter doesn't really get why they're there but Amanda doesn't feel it's the right time to explain. Inside, Richard and Jo are entertaining themselves by engaging in more Jane-bashing. Alison can't really take it and excuses herself. Peter and Bobby run into each other pool side. Bobby admits he came on hard, but would still like to be friends. After all, they do have a lot in common, namely Amanda. Peter accuses Bobby of lying, saying if Bobby really cared for Amanda he wouldn't drag her back into his life. Bobby mumbles something about the FBI, and Peter says the FBI doesn't want Amanda; they want Bobby. This statement really upsets Bobby and he says, "Peteh, yuh a little hot wight now, and uh care enuff about Amanda not to mush up hah Cwistmas. Yuh not be mah fwiend I can live wit dat right now uh not exactlee cwazy bout dat eether." (I was hoping that we could get through a whole episode without Bobby speaking unintelligibly -- oh well.) With that, Amanda intervenes and Peter turns and leaves, telling Amanda that she can come if she wants. Before she leaves she tells Bobby it wasn't his fault, but, "I love him, Bobby. If we can't convince him that we can work together, then something will have to go, and it won't be Peter." In the main ballroom, Syd can't stand Jane hogging Michael anymore so she slips one of her tranquilizers into a champagne cocktail and gives it to her sister, who is mighty thirsty from all the dancing she and Michael are doing. Syd asks Kimberly what kind of side effects her prescription tranquilizer may cause. Kimberly explains that it either makes one dead tired or it makes one extremely hyper. Huh? Some tranquilizer if it makes one more excited! Shortly thereafter, Jane and Michael sneak upstairs for some more dancing, doing the horizontal Mambo. Jane is one ball of energy as she rips Michael's clothes off. But then something funny happens (well, funny might not be the word Michael would use) -- she collapses. Michael freaks out thinking his sexual prowess killed her. Meanwhile, it's time for the keynote speech, so Sydney introduces Michael to the crowd of upscale party-goers. Everyone claps, but he's no where to be found. That is, until he runs out on the upstairs balcony, wearing nothing but boxers, yelling, "Help! Somebody dial 9-1-1!" I guess that's strike two (and three once she sees Jane) as far as Kimberly's advice goes!
[To Be Continued...]

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Last Modified December 12, 1995