Melrose Place
Episode #123 / Season #4
Title: "The Burning Sofa"
Original Air Date: Monday, March 11, 1996

Synopsis

[Wilshire Memorial]
The dispatcher radios the paramedic unit: "Emergency... see the unconscious man at apartment building... thrown down flight of stairs by jealous lover over dark-rooted blonde... everyone's crazy there." "Oh, they must mean 4616 Melrose Place! 10-4" replies the EMT. By now, the paramedics must be wishing Kimberly had been more successful in her earlier bombing attempt. Then the coroner would be the one with all the work. They rush Peter to Wilshire Memorial. Alycia arrives asking what happened, so Amanda describes the fight that broke out, saying "Bobby was *pushing* to get back together, and when I refused, he got hostile and out of control." Only thing is, he pushed the wrong person! "Mmm hmmm," Alycia notes, "the one common trait of all the men in your life." Peter has a few scratches on his face, the kind that disappear after a few commercials, a sprained wrist and mild concussion. In fact, he almost sustains greater damage when Michael unconsciously grabs his bandaged wrist, excited about the possible lawsuit that Peter can file. Peter has some other business to attend to, namely, speaking with the cops and filing assault charges against Bobby, so he doesn't have time to waste with his b!tches. He asks Michael to lasso 'em up and put 'em back in the corral. Michael understands saying, "You know, the best conversations are the ones you avoid."

[Bobby's House]
In yet the most incredulous scene of the season, we find Sydney hanging out at Bobby's. She calls the hospital and relays to Bobby that Peter only sustained wrist and head damage, hoping to appease him. But even stupid Bobby knows, however, these sort of injuries might be fine if you're a butcher, but not a surgeon! Bobby decides to check up on Peter in person, but Syd tries to convince him to stay and not to do anything "stupider." Bobby is confused, as are we, saying he doesn't even know why the hell she's there, much less why she cares. Syd explains, "I know what it's like to be trampled by that bunch. Peter, Amanda, and the courtyard crew. You look around one day and realize they're the only friends you got, and that's when you're in real trouble." Syd admits she likes him, and I can't see why, unless she has a fetish for jagged teeth. Remember, her only other best friend was Traci Lords, and I don't know whose teeth were worse, hers or Bobby's! Syd wants to be his friend but ends up doing more harm than good by delaying him, because seconds later the police arrive. A cop gets out looking like Steve Erkel's cop pop from "Family Matters," who then proceeds to manhandle poor Rodney, I mean Bobby, by throwing him face down onto the police car hood and cuffing him for the assault on Peter. As the police car screams away, we can almost hear Bobby weep, "Can't we all just be friends?"

[Opening Credits]
We notice this episode was directed by Anson Williams, and with a name like "Potsie" I'm not expecting too much to come out of this episode, except maybe the remote possibility that the "Happy Days" of yesteryear will return to Melrose Place.

[Beach House]
Kimberly is busy in the kitchen doing a hatchet job on some vegetables with her new set of Lorena Bobbitt Signature Series Kitchen Knives, whose motto is "They're great for lopping!" She probably bought them during one of her Tupperware buying binges. After watching this mutilation, we gain new insight on why she left surgery for psychiatry. Moments later, Michael arrives. Although he spent the night at the hospital, he only came home to change his shirt and tie and then he's off to the office to cover Peter's scheduled surgeries, since Peter sprained his lucky wrist. Besides, Michael doesn't really feel like staying around, especially after the fiasco the night before when Kimberly went Betsy on him. He notes, "You know, it's funny, but I always thought our sexual fantasy games would include, say, me." Kimberly apologizes, saying she sometimes gets in a panic and becomes confused. She waits until Michael has his fresh shirt on and fully buttoned before wanting to prove that she's back to normal, libido and all. They plop on the couch, she unbuttons his shirt, and they proceed to pump a few throw pillows flat. After this display, I don't care what that weenie Midnight Sun "Wodka" guy says, Sex on the Beach and Screwdriver do *not* require vodka!

[D&D Advertising]
Billy, obviously overdosing on "Miami Vice" reruns by the looks of his wardrobe, struts over to Alison's office with a sh!tload of client files he calls his "little fish." Now that he's landed both Midnight Sun Vodka and 3-Point Shoes, he doesn't have time for any of his smaller accounts so he's giving them to Alison. As he explains it, "I just *doubled* your client list, so you can thank me at the end of the year when your bonus goes up 30%." Huh? Either this is new math, or Alison's a sucker to accept 100% more work for a paltry 30% bonus increase. He adds that she's best at juggling the needs of the small clients better than anybody. His newly formed backbone is so appalling that she can't help but chastise him for his ruthless tactics in stealing the 3-Point Shoes account from underneath Amanda. She tells Billy, "Not only are you acting like Brooke, you've become her... You've made yourself into the same monster she was," which really isn't a very nice thing for a mom to say! Only his acting is so bad that he can't even give us those patented Brookisms: scrunched eyebrows, pouting lips, or deer-in-headlights eyes. Alison adds, "You have the worst case of denial I've ever seen!" But that's only because Alison hasn't looked in the mirror all season long. Billy walks out on her, and she misses her chance to say "Ha ha Billy. At least I have an office!" Instead, she looks around, mouth closed, runs her hand through her hair, then finally covers her mouth, presumably aghast, although more likely trying to keep from laughing. I'm still curious what the hell a 3-point shoe looks like!

[Wilshire Memorial]
David sniffs out Matt again, under the guise of being concerned for Matt's well being in the aftermath of the wedding sham. Matt says he's OK, then proceeds to display his acting ability by squeezing a couple of tears out in the blink of an eye. David tries to fill Matt's empty head with thoughts of retribution for what Alan did to him, suggesting Matt should sell his story to the tabloids. Matt is shocked, assuring David that Alan will get it "in the end," which is good enough for him. Matt leaves to resume his rounds and as David's face turns to watch Matt's wiggle, a close-up view of David's right cheek reveals a couple big bumps which are either housing some disgustingly long ingrown hairs, or maybe a future storyline (New incurable right-cheek disease?)

[The Bistro Garden]
Peter meets Alycia for lunch to tell her he wants out. He says he can't continue the charade any longer, no matter how much she blackmails him. Alycia admits she gave up on their relationship weeks ago and that it's down to business at this point. She agrees to let him go for the price of $2 million, the amount of money she still needs in order to take over Bobby's cable company. He says he can't come up with that kind of money, and I'm betting that the viewers are so sick of this relationship that they'd be willing to each send in a buck or two just to end the pain!

[Police Station]
Syd bails Bobby out of jail with a check. Upon closer examination, not only is it from the Burns-Mancini checking account, but her handwriting is atrocious. Worse than her wardrobe. Speaking of which, even the desk clerk can't believe the outfit and miniature purse that Syd has, as he gives her a double take. Bobby does all he can to show just what an ingrate he really is, mumbling his usual number of lines. Unfortunately, this relationship seems even more putrid than Alycia and Peter's.

[Shooters]
Jo is hanging out at the bar looking somewhat depressed, since she's been dying to tell someone about her successful blackmailing coup but there's no one around who will listen. Hey, that's what bartenders are for, so when Jake misinterprets her facial expression, equating it with dismal business, Jo begins her outpouring by saying she misses Richard, the relationship, the stability. Jake, falling into her trap, says "What's with this guy? He treats you like dirt; you're still in love with him. He dumps all over Jane, and she hires him into her company." When Jo suggests that maybe Jane believes in Richard's ability, Jake rambles on, as only a bartender can, "Well, she must! Either that, or she's more desperate than I thought she was, or he's more talented. Either way it doesn't matter what I think. Jane fights her own battles. I believe in her." "God, open your eyes Jake. Everyone has their dark side, even saint Jane" Jo exclaims. Jake defends his boy toy, saying "Jane hired Richard with no strings attached." To which Jo quips, "Yeahhh, like Pinocchio was ever a real boy." "What?," this news obviously taking Jake by surprise. Jo then plants one more teaser before she leaves, saying "Richard has never been able to stand on his own two feet, now is no exception. Goodnight Jake, before I say another word."

[Eclipse Restaurant]
Amanda and Peter are dining at one table while coincidentally, Billy and Leif Thomasson are at another table discussing business. Amanda begs Peter to not press charges against Bobby. Peter readily agrees, but only if Amanda will tell him why she's so preoccupied with Billy's table. So Amanda explains that Leif is the owner and CEO of Midnight Sun Vodka and that it's one of D&D's *biggest* accounts, but she is curious about Billy's motives this evening. Immediately, Peter sees Leif as a source for the $2 million that he needs, so he tells Amanda he'll go over and find out what Billy's up to. Once at Billy's table, however, he introduces himself to Leif, flatters Leif's vodka company, then proceeds to chum the water with talk about cable stock for sale. The chums take the chum; he and Amanda then leave for the theatre. When Amanda asks what Billy's up to, Peter says, "Nothing. Just keeping a big fish happy." Which one, the shark, the Black Sea sardine or the jelly fish?

[Beach House]
Betsy Homemaker awakes on the sofa, disgusted at Kimberly for engaging in sex on her white couch. She decides to dispose of the sexually abused furniture by dragging it out onto the patio ledge. Betsy's mind is clearly awry as she takes the name "throw pillows" literally, tossing them over the patio railing onto the sand below. Next she dumps the couch over the edge, the pillows breaking its fall. Kimberly (or should I say Betsy) always has a flair for bringing intense heat to a scene, and this is no exception. If it's not car crashing explosions; bombs bursting; it's lighter fluid on sofas (read FIRE!) The next morning, Kimberly's sitting on the patio, sipping a nice cup of java while enjoying the beautiful view of newly blackened pile of ashes and springs laying on their beach front. Michael comes home, walks through the house and asks, "Where the hell's the couch? The potted plant is a nice disguise but a little tough to watch a ball game from." Kimberly explains the old couch was a Sydney relic and is being replaced with a new one to be delivered later that day. Right! When has a furniture company delivered something with less than a 1 month lead time, let alone 1 day? Michael, enjoying the sea breeze, finds something in the air seems to make him yearn for Cajun goose down and stuffing even though Kimmy suggests bacon and eggs instead. He leans against the railing, oblivious to the splinters from where big chunks of wood were ripped away by the sofa are now gouging his hand. Instead, his attention focused on the charcoal heap on the sand. Kimberly explains kids had built a bonfire the night before.

[Parezi Cable]
Alycia is already fast at work behind Bobby's old desk. Bobby enters, looking like he's going to cry. He had been trying to call Alycia but she wouldn't answer his calls, citing it would have been a direct conflict of interest. So he asks for his check and he'll be on his way, but she informs him that his assets are in a holding account and won't be released until his involvement with the senator is cleared up. So Bobby does what he promises everyone he'll never to do again -- losing his temper. He starts destroying the place but before he does too much damage, little Syd arrives and manages to stop the baboon. There seems to be more SLAMMING DOORS than slamming BODIES this week, witnessed by Bobby pounding the office door on his way out. When Alycia warns Sydney to keep her little upturned noise out of it, Syd replies with a smile, "Not a chance." Otherwise, she wouldn't have ANY storyline.

[D&D Advertising]
Billy finalizes the deal with Leif, who will finance the cable company, while Billy manages the $1+ million advertising campaign. Amanda doesn't like the idea, considering her previous involvement and if the cable company goes down, D&D will lose credibility. Billy, not one to go down alone, readily admits that Peter brought up the deal at dinner the night before. In a sudden character twist, Amanda uses the word "unethical" in a sentence, referring to Billy's recent business tactics. Billy quotes an old Amandaism saying, "Always keep the client happy." Then he tells Amanda that a celebration dinner is scheduled for the following night, and when she "passes," he tells her it wasn't an invite -- she's the head of the department and Leif expects her to be there. He adds, "Make sure Alison and her Snow White opinions stays home." With that, he struts out, leaving Amanda speechless and clinging to a chair for support.

[Wilshire Memorial]
We finally see Kimberly at the hospital! Seems one of the benefits of multiple personality disorder is that you only have to go to work half the time. She seeks out Peter, confiding in him about her Betsy-leptic seizures. He needs a "for instance," so she describes wearing clothes that even Sydney wouldn't touch, buying a couple hundred dollars worth of Tupperware, and igniting their sofa. All Peter can say is, "Are you sure?" She asks for his help and his confidentiality. Peter demands that she call him as soon as Betsy reappears, although shouldn't he be telling Betsy this instead? And, of course, as with any good doctor, Peter immediately writes her a prescription.

[MP, Jo's Apt]
Jake finally has a clue that something funny's going on. You have to wake up pretty late in the day to fool him. He wonders what Jo was trying to let slip that something was going on and why Richard would weasel his way into Jane's company. Jo tries the old "I had a few drinks" excuse, but Jake doesn't believe in that one, so Jo tells him to take a hard look at Jane, specifically, hard photos of tiki torch wielding Jane. The high and mighty Jake can't believe Jane didn't rise above "Jo and Richard's crap, saying "You people are so screwed up." Jo begs Jake to not divulge he knows anything, but that's against his beLeifs, being the man of scruples that he is.

[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Syd goes to Amanda's to demand she drop the charges against Billy, but Amanda says she's way ahead of the game and that the process is already started. Then Amanda warns Sydney how dangerous Bobby is, explaining "Sydney, I broke up with Bobby because he lied to me." Syd replies, "Oh, Amanda, like that's the first time that's ever happened to you? First your father, the FBI, Peter, Jack -- did you ever think maybe it's not the men in your life, maybe it's you?" Amanda realizes her mistake and says "Sorry, I had a momentary flash of compassion. Fortunately, it's passed." Followed by that all too familiar DOOR SLAM again.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Nurse Amy is catching up on her news, reading the NATIONAL INQUISITOR (metro edition), when she spots the headline: "SOAP STAR'S SECRET LIFE - ALAN ROSS SEEN AT NIGHT CLUB WITH GAY FRIEND" She exclaims, "Matt's not going to like this," then seeing Matt in the hallway, immediately ruins his day by showing him the hideous black & white news photo of him and Alan. Matt's draw drops so fast if he had dentures they'd be on the floor. Immediately, he pinches David on the elbow leading him into an adjacent room, where he accuses David of leaking the article. David claims he's innocent, reminding Matt how he stood *behind* him that night when Matt came over in a drunken stupor. David tells Matt he's fed up hearing about Matt's messed up relationships, and from now on he wants to be left out of it. Speaking of messed up, nothing could be more messed up than David's lower teeth! I'm surprised he doesn't cut his tongue when he talks! Anyway, David leaves in a huff, making sure to SLAM! BAM! Thank you ma'am to yet another DOOR!

[Parezi Cable]
Peter delivers the $2 million check, ends the charade, and gains his freedom. He turns to leave and Alycia states, "For what it's worth, I loved you Peter." Peters whispers under his breath, "I know you did" while the smile on his face says, "What's Happening" (a la Raj).

[West Coast Retail Buyers Association]
Richard is mingling with the crowd when Jo arrives, wearing a hideous dress obviously designed by Jane or Richard, depending on who stole it from whom. It almost looked like she was wearing it backwards. Richard tells her how good it feels to be working again, and Jo responds with a ho-hum "I'm so happy for you, Richard." Jane pops up asking if either of them has seen Jake. Richard directs her to the bar, and adds that he doesn't know what, "but there's something on that guy's mind." As Jane leaves, Richard watches her intently, as Jo watches him. Richard is approaching Dick status again. Jane finds Jake pounding shots of whiskey at the bar, just trying to stay away from the Jane train. He's having a miserable time, and if she cared about him she would let him rot in his stew (or stool, you pick!) Jane wonders where this newfound attitude of his is coming from, so he says, "Better yet, I'll tell you where it's going. No where. I'm not right for you, and this whole joke-of-a-relationship is finished." Poor Jane has no idea what's going on but leaves Jake alone. As soon as she's gone, a brunette named Claire Duncan comes on to him. She describes herself as "all warm and fuzzy inside," but Jake wants to find out for himself. She tells him he talks just like John Wayne, and that she always wanted to sleep with John Wayne. Now Jake has got to be pretty toasted for this line to work, and he is and it does and she slips him her hotel key card with a promise, a promise to help him forget all about that other little girl. She heads up to her room, while he throws downs a couple more shots in order to make her face seem a little more attractive; otherwise he'll need to take a bag along with him. Finally, Jake heads towards the elevators, passing Richard in the lobby. Richard watches, with a certain mischievous look on his face. Jake enters Claire's room, where she's been anxiously awaiting. "What took you so long?" Being the gentleman that he is, he couldn't say he was looking for a bag, so instead he asks, "No strings attached?" Witty Claire replies, "Just these" as she slides her fingers under her shoulder straps slipping her black teddy to the floor.

[Shooters]
The next day, Jane comes to find out what the hell is going on, arriving just as Jake is delivering a turkey sandwich, named after him. Jake tells her that Jo showed him the photos. Jane admits that she lost control. Knowing that she would lose him if he found out, she let Jo blackmail her. In the one mushy scene of the episode, they exchange "I love you's." No matter what he decides, she promises she will never lie to him again, adding "You never lied to me. I trust you so much. I promise you, I'll make sure you can trust me, too." All Jake can do is roll his eyes and say, "Don't worry, everything will work out," as he proceeds to climb down off his high horse.

[MP, Matt's Apt]
Alan drops by. He reveals he planted the story in the tabloids in order to escape his parents' expectations and Gloria's master plan. Matt says, "I don't know what you want from me, Alan." Alan tells him that he just wanted Matt to know he's back in town and that Gloria fired him from the show. But it feels good being back at square one, with no money and no place to live, but that it would be even brighter if Matt were part of his life again. All he wants is for Matt to think about it. No door slam here, but door clicking close, signifying the one other mushy scene for the night.

[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Peter drops in on Amanda to tell her the news that Bobby Parezi is scot-free, and to celebrate their reconciliation. Amanda rebuffs, saying she wished he did it because it was the right thing to do, not because getting her in bed was the "door prize." (You know, Peter wants to "slam" the door, just like all the others!) Peter can't believe that she's not grateful for all he's sacrificed. She then mentions that Billy told her all about Peter's business deal with Leif, so Peter tries some of his psycho babble, telling Amanda she's just deflecting again from the real issue, her fear of intimacy. Amanda feels it's more a fear of dishonesty, a fear of men who are incapable of telling the truth, saying Peter not only fits that category, but he owns it. Then Billy pops out of his apt donning a tux and the two of them start off to Midnight Sun party. Of course, Amanda forgets a file so she has to go back and get it, and while she's gone Alison strolls into the courtyard. She asks, "Wonder where all this will end?" Billy answers, "It could end right now if you keep your opinion to yourself." Alison can't help but ask one question, namely, "What exactly did this to you?" So Billy says to her, "What would you say if I told you, uh, that, Brooke's ghost visited me and, cursed me to become just like her. You know, a cold heartless bastard out for himself?" Alison thinks it's just a cheap excuse, but that's due in part to the limits of Billy's acting abilities. She thinks he could find his way back if he wanted to, but Billy doesn't see any reason to, now that he's at the top and "loving life." Amanda returns, and Billy leaves with these words of endearment: "Good night, Alison. Have a nice night in front of the TV." They leave, and Alison again looks left, then right, completely silent, as if Potsie is directing her to stall an extra 5 seconds of airtime or something.

[Jane's Garage]
Jake sneaks up on Jane and presses into her from behind, telling her that dinner's ready. "Mmmmm, *feels* like you're ready for dessert." Jake notes that her table is awfully big, and that desk sex hasn't been done for a several episodes now, but Jane informs him that they're not alone. Her new assistant is there, and Jane introduces her. Lo and behold! It's none other than Claire Duncan. "How do you do, Mr. Hanson?" Jake stammers, "Call me Jerk, Jerk's fine."

[Beach House]
In this scene we get our second reference to John Wayne in one episode -- only this time it's John Wayne Bobbitt. Michael and Kimberly, no, it's Betsy, are in bed together. Betsy wakes up and is disgusted with the bad company that Kimberly keeps, looking over at Michael and calling him a "pig!" She goes to the kitchen to get one of her Lorena Signature series knives and climbs back into bed, ready to make Michael squeal. But he wakes up just before his second circumcision saying, "What's wrong, Kimberly?" Hearing her name seems to shake her out of her alter ego, and she quickly recovers by saying she heard some strange noises outside. Michael hops out of bed to investigate, and she hides the knife in her nightie drawer, the only house where underwear and kitchen utensils seem to intermix on a regular basis.
[To Be Continued...]

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Last Modified March 12, 1996