Melrose Place
Episode #124 / Season #4
Title: "Triumph Of The Bill"
Original Air Date: Monday, March 18, 1996

Synopsis

[St. Dennis Club]
Jack the doorman is too busy Jack-ing off to some color glossies of Ferraris to stop Amanda as she zips past him into the clubroom, taboo grounds for anyone wearing pumps, at least in public. She's there looking for Arthur Field, who has yet to sign her D&D contract renewal and she wants to know if there's a problem. Field is glad Amanda stopped by because he wants to discuss Billy's talents with her, and I'm having a hard time thinking what he may be referring to. Luckily, he explains, referring to Billy's success in nailing the Midnight Sun Vodka account, which seems to have gained him newfound recognition in advertising circles. He wants Billy to give the keynote address at the Coastal Advertising Conference this year, something Amanda normally does. He wants to "give Billy the ball this time," and for Amanda to "nurture him, to help him flourish, to shepherd his rocket to the stars." Amanda quips, "So, that would make me -- the mother ship?" That remark was so bad Field tells her to skedaddle, and by the look on her face, she realizes Advertising may not be a woman's world.

[D&D Advertising]
Billy starts hounding Amanda the minute she steps into the building, asking if Field talked to her about letting him give the speech at the conference. Amanda says she hasn't made a decision yet, so brash Billy says he'll make the decision for her. She tells him it's supposed to be about ethics in advertising which is hardly his strong suit lately. So Billy remarks, "I'll take off my suit. I'll give the speech naked, just for you." Field described Billy as "quite an asset to D&D" in the previous scene, but now I think he meant ass-ette! He's so appalling that Amanda immediately appoints Alison to give the keynote address. Billy starts whining like Brooke (I guess that's part of the curse) but no one cares, so Billy resorts to giving us those "Brooke-eyes." Doesn't he remember, this didn't get her anywhere either?

[Beach House]
Scene opens with some stock beach footage, including one scene with two women running ashore from the surf, evoking images of a Jell-o commercial ("See it jiggle..."). *Cut* to the bedroom, where Michael wakes up with his John Wayne Bobbitt complex. No wonder Kimberly brought out the knife last week. He cuddles up to Kimmy letting his fingers do the walking as he recites, "The hand bone's connected to the breast bone, and the pelvic bone's connected to the..." At which point Kimmy, or Betsy, gasps causing him to pause. He says he wants to get some excitement back into their life. Little did he know the fun she had planned for him earlier! She takes a deep breath, lays there motionless, like a modern day mummy wrapped in flannel, and tells him to go ahead. Needless to say, Michael opts to get ready for work instead. Seconds after he jumps in the shower, however, Kimberly's eyes pop open and we are introduced to lovely Rita, meta-maid, as she transforms from puritan to pervert. She whispers to herself, "You blew it Betsy, and Rita knows how to take care of her man," drops the flannel and does things with the soap-on-a-rope that we can only imagine.

[Jane's Garage]
Jake drops by, greeted by a brunette body bent over, full moon rising. Thinking it's Jane, he says "Working on a new look?" C'mon, Jake. Isn't Jane assuming the all too familiar position she normally greets you with in the morning? But when the body turns around, to Jake's surprise, it's Claire, who asks why he hasn't called her. By the way, Claire looks quite attractive in her red dress, and her measuring tape necklace is a lovely accoutrement. He tells her they had one great night, but that he's in a relationship with Jane. Claire doesn't care, making it clear she wants more, more, more. Jane enters, carrying a bunch of ragged material and asks Claire to get the patterns out of the car so Claire leaves. Immediately, she and Jake fall into their "Me, me, me" attitudes, Jane groaning, "Ugh. I can't believe this deadline they gave me!" while Jake stands there in his own world, saying that there's something they need to discuss. At first, neither one listens to the other. Jane is too busy looking for a brocade. Jake says he needs to get something off his chest (so he won't feel so guilty about cheating on Jane.) Unfortunately, by the time Jane turns her attention to him, all he can say is "You know, it went right out of my mind." Maybe wearing a helmet while riding a motorcycle does have its benefits after all!

[Coastal Advertising Convention]
Alison presents Amanda with some of her ideas for the keynote address, including references to some of Amanda's unethical behavior in the past. Amanda doesn't want her name associated in that way and demands that Alison rewrite the speech, adding, if Alison can't do it, maybe she's not right for the job. Meanwhile, a sleaze from another agency named Dennis is bragging to Billy that his company is about to sign legendary Julie Newmar to an advertising contract, targeting family appeal, wholesome values, etc. Julie Newmar arrives on the scene, speaks some accented English, then steals Dennis away. Billy tries to put on the charm, and she purrs something like "Nice try, Billy boy. Better luck next time."

[Burns-Mancini-Mancini-Burns Medical Office]
Kimberly stops by to visit Peter. He asks her how she's doing, somewhat oblivious to her somewhat unusual attire, complete with heavy eye makeup, dark lipstick and black nail polish. I guess he's somewhat out of practice as a psychiatrist. A couple of weeks ago it was Tupperware, today it's leatherware. She throws his pills back in his face, saying the downers will keep her from getting in touch with her real feelings. Peter paraphrases Johnny Cochran when he says, "If the Betsy doesn't quit, we must commit!"

[Parezi Cable]
Sydney comes to Alycia, asking her to hire Bobby back. There's something about Alycia and BORING! Luckily, she's only in one scene this episode. The best exchange of lines occurs when Syd says, "You rode his coattails, while he laid the groundwork. And now that the dust has settled, you're on easy street and he's in the toilet." Then Alycia cries, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's way too many metaphors for me to sort." Sydney goes on to imply that Alycia had something to do with Bobby's fall so Alycia defends herself, claiming it was his family who brought him down. Syd comments, "So then why would you have a problem hiring him?" Is it over yet?

[MP, Matt's Apt]
Not only are Alycia and Bobby in only one scene, and Syd in two, but there is absolutely no sign of Matt or Alan. Most likely, Matt and Alan were celebrating the gay kiss on "Ned & Stacey" that night, a show where the advertising slogans beat D&D's every time.

[Richard Hart Designs]
It's night, and Richard is alone, packing up what's left of Richard Hart Designs. Claire enters. She reports to Richard that she did what he paid her to do, namely, seduce Jake, but that Jake is actually an honest man and now he has a case of the guilt's and won't touch her. So Richard instructs her to tell Jane that she and Jake are having an affair. Showing just what sort of business woman she is, Claire adds, "Make it an extra 50 and I'll jump Jane's bones."

[Jane's Garage]
The next morning, Claire informs Jane that she and Jake had an affair but Jane just laughs it off. Fortunately for Claire, Jake arrives to stick his foot in his mouth, saying "That's bull." Claire adds, "What? You forgot you did me all night long?" Jake quickly replies, "No. I mean, we were together once but it didn't mean anything," explaining it was only a one night stand rather than an affair. Jane is practically speechless, but not quite as she says, "Jake, you slept with me and then with her. What do you call it, double dating?" No, I think double dipping is more like it. Jane fires Claire.

[Richard Hart Designs]
Richard's standing around with a bunch of his platinum-colored mannequins, posing with his arms crossed and apparently enjoying the company. Jo drops by with a couple of sandwiches, hoping to work things out between them. She says she doesn't know where they stand, so Richard clarifies the situation by saying, "How about apart?" They start their "Been there, done that" bickering again. Jo states that Richard acts like he hates her, to which Richard replies, "I loved you, and that was the biggest mistake I ever made. Do you think I want a life of peanut butter & jelly? I want caviar, I want lobster, I want style in my life." Yeah, right. I always thought lobster bibs were stylin'. When he admits Jane had balls to set the sprinkler system off, Jo realizes he still loves Jane. She says she can't believe she left Jake for him; he says can't believe she's still there. We can't believe this storyline is still going on!

[Coastal Advertising Convention]
Alison and Billy are sitting at a desk in one of the hotel lobby areas, working on her keynote speech. She describes her approach to Billy, saying "Ethics is listening with your conscience. Billy? Are you listening?" Of course, Billy is in his own little world, thinking about Julie Newmar, who the hell she is, and why she retired. Alison offers the explanation "Time goes by. Age is just one more glass ceiling. You can be the most beautiful, talented woman in the world and you hit 40, adios!" Billy, proving he's D&D's biggest ass-ette, quips "Getting your excuses ready early?" although Alison was merely paving the way for the crop of oldies but goodies, like Loni Anderson and Priscilla Presley, who will grace the screen in upcoming episodes. Then Alison inadvertently discloses that Julie Newmar's room is adjacent to hers, which perks up Billy's ears and who knows what else. Just then, Newmar walks into the room with Dennis. Billy wonders aloud how that "idiot" got her to sign on with his firm and Alison notes that money talks. Alison asks Billy if he is going to *listen* to her speech, but Billy is more interested in Julie so he and Alison agree to meet in her room later that evening. Billy saunters over near a couch where Ms. Newmar and Dennis are talking. Billy tries out his listening skills and eavesdrops on their conversation. Now Billy is correct in calling Dennis an *idiot* because he and Ms. Newmar sit there and discuss, at the top of their lungs, how she's being blackmailed into signing the contract with Dennis' firm. It seems Dennis has some incriminating photos that would ruin her comeback if it fell into the hands of the tabloids. As a gesture of goodwill, or idiocy, however, Dennis hands her a manila envelop containing the incriminating material, which is probably just some shots of her in her old Catwoman get-up of the 60's TV series, "Batman." She agrees to sign the contract in the morning. Why she agrees after obtaining the photos is just another Melrose mystery. I guess it fits in as part of that "ethics" theme.

[Glendale Airport]
OK, it may be the Burbank airport. Big deal. Anyway, Bobby is working as an aircraft mechanic, apparently trying to clean an engine by removing its pieces and blowing on them. Was he a mechanic for USAir back in Florida before getting into the cable business? It seems Bobby decided to turn down working with Alycia. Sydney arrives and all I have to say is, Wow! Sydney has wonderfully blue eyes. She says, "So this is what I want. For you. Well, for you, for me, that is. What I want." Could it be any clearer than that? Translated, she asks Bobby to move in with her since he's being evicted and has no place to live. He accepts, as long as it's "plutonic," although I think he meant "platonic." Loosely speaking, they've already had one igneous event at Melrose Place this season! The scene ends with him walking her to her car, and we just have to cross our fingers that he remembers to replace that spark plug he was spit shining earlier.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Kimberly's giving herself a session. Michael enters to tell her somebody parked a Triumphe in her spot. This seems to kick-start Rita, who dons her leather jacket and leads Michael out by the arm. When Kimberly promised Michael the ride of his life, he never thought she meant on the back of a motorcycle!

[Coastal Advertising Convention]
Billy's reading over Alison's speech in her room while Alison is fast asleep on her bed, hard at work on her speech using the osmosis technique that got her through college. Billy climbs out on the balcony a la "It Takes a Thief" and enters Julie Newmar's room (He just happens to be wearing his black cat burglar outfit... how conveeeennnnient!!) He finds both the contract and the incriminating photos, steals them, and then plants them in Alison's room. The next morning, Amanda receives a call from Arthur Field, who makes it quite clear he wants Billy to deliver the keynote speech if she wants her contract renewed. Amanda hangs up, then finds the photos and confidential contract. Billy acts completely surprised, adding that he had heard some stuff was stolen out of Ms. Newmar's room last night. Billy A-holeseed plants the notion in Amanda's head that Alison is up to no good trying to end run him on one of his projects. Amanda feels there's a personal agenda fueling a competition between them despite Alison's claims to the contrary. Amanda adds that the only ethical thing to do is to return the documents to their owner, while giving a disapproving look towards Alison.

[Shooters]
Jo goes to the bar, looking sullen as usual. Jake asks, "Bad day?" He should be asking the only other patron sitting at the bar, who looks so down and out that he's ready to commit suicide, as he shoots back another whiskey. Anyway, Jo's so bored with her character development that she's going to go away for a couple of days, she claims, "to clear her head." She's enough of an airhead already; two more days worth of clearing would be analogous to a lobotomy. She asks Jake to go along, but he says "Hmmm." In other words, Jane's Tarzan is saying "No," but he sometimes confuses these monosyllabic words.

[Coastal Advertising Conference]
Alison and the two wrong fools, Billy and Amanda, return the photos and contract to Julie Newmar. Alison didn't really have any involvement, so Ms. Newmar turns to thank Billy and Amanda, but due to her accent, what she says comes out as "Two Wong Foos, Tanks for Evewyting." Billy mentions that her contract with the other firm stinks, and he just happens to have a D&D contract ready, offering her triple the salary of her other contract. "For someone so young and charming, you're very cold" she notes. Although she doesn't like his attitude (join the crowd), she signs anyway. Billy then suggests to Amanda that if word leaked about Alison's involvement with the photos/contract, it could produce a scandal, and that it would be better if she didn't give the keynote address, especially since the topic is on ethics. Amanda agrees, so she hands the responsibility over to ethics maven Billy. Campbell. Alison can't believe Amanda's decision, and when Billy says that he just saved her bacon and a little thanks would be nice, Alison gives him a long overdue slap across the cheek and a "Thanks." I guess calling someone pig meat isn't the most flattering. Later that evening, Billy begins his keynote speech, but soon gets a case of diarrhea of the mouth, as a plethora of self-deprecating sentences run from his lips. Phrases such as "I'm a liar, a thief, and an empty shell. I've stolen accounts. I've plagiarized campaigns. I've lost every friend, I've lost every human impulse. But then, I'm a huge success, so it's all worth it. Because it doesn't matter if you're alone. Because, when we're hot, we're always alone. So say it loud: I LIE. AND I'M PROUD." It's the most retarded thing I've ever heard and I'm ashamed for actually quoting it. Anyway, he gets a standing ovation. Well, regarding this farcical writing, I'm joining Howard Beale when I say, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore." No more Billy quotes.

[Amanda's Hotel Suite]
There's a party in Amanda's suite after Billy's successful speech. Amanda congratulates him and he returns the compliment by saying everything he is, he owes to her. She wants to show him something so they go to the bedroom. She then proceeds to devour a little of that golden advertising tongue of his, hoping that some of it may rub off on her. Then the "mother ship" lands and opens her hatches as the Billy Blaster proceeds to enter her docking station. Amanda seems to have misheard Arthur Field when he said earlier to "Give Billy the ball," thinking he said, "Ball Billy" instead.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Peter visits Kimberly, who is performing freewheeling erotic acts on an H. Uppmann cigarillo. Michael went to Peter with his concern after their last motorcycle ride. Peter tells Kimberly/Rita that he's concerned her facade of strength is hiding an enormous amount of boiling fear and that the lid's about to blow. She shows him her release valve is working correctly as smoke billows from her "blow hole." Peter threatens her with re-hospitalization unless she goes back on her medication and resumes her daily sessions with him. She agrees.

[Shooters]
The obligatory mushy scene. Of all places, it takes place in the storage room of Shooters, where some of Jake's best "no strings" sex has occurred in the past. Jane breaks the ice by reaffirming what we already know -- that she has no business sense. She jokes, "Where's that jerk Richard when you need him?" They fiddle, the faddle. Once they begin to apologize to each other, it sounds like a confessional in a Catholic church.

[Richard Hart Designs]
Jake visits Richard, who's been packing boxes the entire episode! It doesn't really matter that he's so lethargic though, since he has nothing else to do these days. That may change, as Jake has a proposition for him, namely for Richard to start back and work with Jane, as partners, 50-50. But Richard has to agree to do whatever Jane says, and he has to promise to stay out of her personal life. Why is it that Jane's 50 sounds a whole lot better than Richard's?

[St. Dennis Club]
Back at the old boys' club, Arthur Field and his cronies congratulate Billy on his coup. At first Billy assumes they're referring to his speech, but they could give a sh!t about that. Then Billy asks if they're talking about Julie Newmar, but hey, that Catwoman's on her 9th life. These guys want to know about the real conquest -- how did Billy's woodpecker fare on Amanda's Woodward. Field asks, in his best Anthony Hopkins does Nixon impression, "Did the ice queen melt? And I want all the details, Campbell, this is the information age." Billy brags.

[D&D Advertising]
Alison is busy at her desk. Amanda stops by, asking her what she's doing there so late at night, getting a jump on the competition? Alison replies, "That's what you do, isn't it? Jump the competition? The whole company heard you two in your bedroom last night." "I do what I have to, to get a *head*!" Amanda answers, (No pun intended. Well, okay, it was intended) adding, "I intend to be the last one standing at the end of the game." Alison grins, "Ah, it must be pretty hard to stand at all, you spend so much time on your back." Alison can't believe what Amanda will stoop to in order to climb a little higher, but Amanda corrects her, saying "Climbing? I'm barely hanging on. This is as far as the old boys' club lets us get." Well then, I guess it's okay. Alison decides to quit D&D again, even though they just finished scraping Brooke's name off the office door and putting hers on instead. Amanda wishes her well, saying she'll be watching from the top floor. Alison, never able to leave without the second-to-last word, asks "You think you're going to sneak into the big room inside Billy's pocket?" So Amanda puts in the last word, "Billy, my dear, is snugly in mine." All I can say, is Billy must be pretty endowed to fit snugly after all the men that have been in Amanda's pocket.
[To Be Continued...]

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Last Modified March 19, 1996