Melrose Place
Episode #125 / Season #4
Title: "What Comes Up, Must Come Down"
Original Air Date: Monday, April 01, 1996

Flash News Bulletin: Melrose Place has been cancelled! According to sources close to Spelling Entertainment Group, the southern-flavored melodrama, "Savannah" has become such a phenomenal success that even Aaron himself has been caught without an explanation: "It's [Savannah] been described as the best thing since Aunt Jemima Pancake Syrup. The success could possibly be due to the ever-changing southern drawl that our actors have, falling out of one dialect into another as if by accident. Some may think it bad acting, but as I see it, it just goes to show you that if you move actors around enough, you're bound to find a home for 'em."

Synopsis

[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Morning. A groceries-wielding Peter sneaks into Amanda's using his old set of keys. He makes her a birthday breakfast and puts it on her leopard tablecloth -- wait, that's her bedspread! Oh well. At Melrose, people seem to always have sex on tables, why not have breakfast on beds? Peter is oblivious to Billy's dirty boxer shorts and smelly soccer shirt, his little "Peter" leading him towards the giggling emanating from the bathroom instead. He enters, but to his surprise he catches Amanda and Billy showering. So upset, Peter punches a nearby wall as he leaves. Amanda and Billy hop out to investigate the source of the noise and catch Peter trying to slip out. Peter is disgusted, saying to Amanda, "I should have realized you'd already be on to your next boy toy." Before he leaves, he tosses Billy the key, but advises Billy to call before using it to avoid the same embarrassment he just endured. "Uh, he's a *smug* piece of work, isn't he?" Billy states, most smugly, then adds, "Don't I owe you a soap job?" Amanda tells him to start without her just like when they have sex; she's got to get ready for work. She heads into her bedroom where she finds Peter's gift. She opens the b-day card which reads, "Dear Amanda, Come hell, or high water, I love you. -Peter" Do soapy showers fall in the high water category? There's a box, too, containing a nice chain. Billy and Amanda's showers weren't golden, but the jewelry sure is. Amanda, however, apparently mistakes the gold dog leash for a bracelet and clasps it around her wrist. Then her eyes get that glassy "I'm in love" look again, and we know that she'll be jumping beds real soon. Peter was wrong -- the men in her life aren't the boy toys, SHE is, and unbeknownst to him, he's next in line to pop in his D-cell.

(Okay, regarding the above bulletin...that was my April Fool's to all of our loyal readers! But now, back to those April Fools of Melrose...)

[MP, Syd's Apt]
Meanwhile, Bobby is tied up on Sydney's bed. No, not by her, but by two thugs with machine guns. These two, Mr. Dumb and Mr. Dumber, make even Bobby seem like an intellect. They work for Papa Parezi and they are trying to get Bobby to divulge where he's stashed his papa's cash. Bobby tells them to get lost but just as they're about to kill him, Sydney swings the door open, knocking Mr. Dumb in the back and causing him to discharge his entire clip into Mr. Dumber, but not before Mr. Dumber shoots his partner with his gun. Now I know why they say automatic weapons are dangerous, especially when you have guys who can't spell "gun" let alone use one! Bullets are screaming everywhere as Syd dives on Bobby to protect him. Bobby is surprised she came back, and she tells him that all the money in the world couldn't keep her away from him. He didn't want her to face the heat, then says, "Is there any heat?" This baffles her as well as us, but when we see Sydney sleeping on the couch (part of their living arrangements) and Bobby entering, wrapped in a comforter, saying, "Is there any heat in this damn place? I'm freezin'," we learn that it's just a lame dream sequence. She tells him it's warm under her covers, but when he passes, she informs him the thermostat is behind the fridge. Now just how ridiculous can this show get? I mean, first of all, a dream sequence worse than the Bobby Ewing shower fiasco on "Dallas"? On top of that, the writers want us to believe it's *freezing* in sunny Southern California? And most incredulous of all, since when would a thermostat be located behind a refrigerator?

[The Strand]
Despite the fact that pedestrian traffic is prohibited on the bike path, that's exactly where Kimberly has Peter meet her. Then a woman strolls past the camera walking her dog! Wait a minute, maybe this isn't The Strand. Peter wants to know why all the secrecy, after all, he does have an office. Kimberly explains that if she keeps meeting in his office, Michael may become suspicious, and she doesn't want him to think anything is wrong. Face it, Kimberly, Michael hasn't noticed yet, and as long as her mood swings lend themselves more often towards sexually adventurous Rita than Betsy, there's no problem as far as Michael's concerned. Kimberly tells Peter that staying together with Michael has got to work and that it is the most important thing in her life. Peter suggests that the only way for a relationship to work is if she openly discusses matters with her husband, but Kimberly justifies her deceptive motives by saying, "Peter, you know how he is? Please?" Peter realizes that with Michael, sex talks, so he agrees to distract Michael for a few days by taking him out of town. That should be just enough time for her to resolve her problems. Yeah, sure, a few days ought to do it! Peter, obviously not the keenest doctor of psychiatry, goes along with Kimberly's plan, ridiculous storyline #2.

[D&D Advertising]
Amanda tries halfheartedly to "talk" Alison out of leaving, choking as she says, "I value your (choke) work and your (choke) insight." When Alison tells Amanda to cut the crap, Amanda quips that she hopes one day Alison takes time out to stop feeling sorry for herself and maybe work for a change. This triggers the lecture gland in Alison, who spiels, "Work? You don't have time for work, Amanda. You're too busy angling, positioning and selling any piece of yourself you can to get an edge. And it's too bad, because I used to think you had talent." Yeah, and if she could do the splits, she'd be CEO in no time! Amanda tries to justify her behavior saying she does whatever she has to in order to survive in a "world run by under qualified, ivy league, male runts." Alison warns her that those same runts might replace her with her bedmate Billy, so Alison leaves her a couple of empty boxes just in case. In a desperate attempt to deal one last low blow, Amanda says, "You always were an amateur, Alison." But Alison gets the better of Amanda, replying "I'll stay that way. Just as long as being a pro is the same as standing on Sunset Blvd. flagging down tricks." As Alison passes the receptionist's desk, Billy says he can't believe she's actually leaving. She says she hopes he's all right, and he assures her he's fine, even though it looks like his shirt collar is 2 sizes too tight for his bloating head and neck. As she walks out he yells, "I'm the one that's in the action making things happen. You're nowhere, you're ridiculous! I'm fine." The receptionist looks at him, knowing he's ridiculous, as does he, so he barks at her, "C'mon, get busy! Give me my messages!"

[Shooters]
Jane comes over to see Jake, wondering why he's being so mysterious. If it's a proposal, she thinks it should wait. It's a proposal all right, but it's to bring Richard back in as Jane's partner. Jake says, "I know you have the talent. It's just that you need the other half, the business end." Jane is appalled. Not because now she's getting business advice from a guy whose business practices were so bad that he was borrowing money from a loan shark, but because even she realizes that her stupidity exceeds Jake's. At least she has her pride though, not to mention, no chalky white stuff under her armpits. She leaves in a huff.

[Burns-Mancini-Mancini-Burns Medical Office]
Peter tells Michael that the two of them need to get on the same wavelength in order to become better partners, if not friends. Peter then suggests what better way to do this than to spend a few days down in San Diego together, judging a beauty contest, specifically, the "Miss Health & Fitness" competition. Michael asks, "You think judging a beauty pageant is going to make us better partners?" Peter explains that it'll afford them male bonding, besides, it's a guy thing. Michael declines the offer saying "I'm glad you're over the Amanda thing and back to being a hound, but I'm not into STRANGE babes these days." Peter bites his lip to keep from laughing, then finally convinces Michael to go to San Diego. As the scene ends, the phone rings its annoying bleep bleep, but since Syd is absent, it just keeps ringing.

[MP, Courtyard]
Laurie and her son Tyler, just in from Chicago, are loitering about the pool area. Jo is afraid that Tyler might fall into the pool, but Laurie reassures her that he's like a tadpole in water. Of course, when he's on dry land he gasps for air. Where Jo arrives from is anyone's guess. Now that she's destroyed Richard Hart Designs, she's probably busy ruining some other unsuspecting soul's business with her photographical prowess and set design ideas. Laurie and Tyler are waiting for their old friend Sydney Andrews to arrive. Jo realizes they could be waiting a long time, especially since Syd is usually in only one or two scenes per episode, so she offers them refuge at her place. When nine o'clock rolls around, and there's still no sight of Sydney, Jo befriends them by letting them spend the night.

[Shooters]
Alison is at Shooters telling Jake all about how she feels freer than a Platex "Cross Your Heart" bra now that she's quit D&D. Of course, she has no idea how to make ends meet so Jake offers her a job. She accepts, and thanks him by saying, "What are you, the safety net for the whole apartment complex?" Yup, just like the show itself has become a safety net for such has-been actors as good ol' Julie Newmar and Loni "Let's See What Develops" Anderson! So despite the lecture she gave Amanda earlier, Alison compromises her scruples by working the only place sleazier than the Sunset Strip, namely Shooters. There are only a couple stipulations Jake adds. First off, no taste testing the customers drinks, especially the vodka, and two, Alison has to agree to speak to Jane about Jane's "dumbness," even though once Jane wises-up, she and Jake will have nothing in common anymore. As Jake puts it, "Maybe you could talk to Jane? She's mad at me, but not about us. Ummm, I'll tell you all about it. But I hope you can help me out. I'm just trying to help her." With such a clear and concise explanation as that, Alison agrees without hesitation, even adding, "You're a hell of a boyfriend, you know that?" Just the type of flattery Jake needs to start him crawling up her skirt by the end of the season, "no strings attached!"

[Burns-Mancini-Mancini-Burns Medical Office]
Amanda stops by to return the jewelry to Peter. She can't accept it because their relationship is over. Peter disagrees, saying "We're involved, Amanda, oh yes we are. And one of these days, when you're finished playing around with every worthless Ken doll you can pick up, we'll be together. You may be eighty by then, but honey, you'll be with me." She says it'll never happen because he lies to her. Peter tells her she love him, and she states, most emphatically, "No I DON'T!" He kisses her and she responds. Funny thing about her vocabulary, where "No" means "Yes" and "Stop" means "Rip my clothes off." Peter is *finally* starting to understand this!

[MP, Syd's Apt]
The next morning, Jo brings Laurie and Tyler over to Sydney's. Even though prior to joining Melrose Place, Sydney had stayed at Laurie's place in Chicago, she can't return the favor now because she is so wrapped up in getting wrapped up by Bobby, and having two more busy bodies hanging around will only make it harder for her to succeed. So Jo, with nothing else to do on the show, lets them stay one more night.

[Miss Health & Fitness Pageant]
Peter is trying to convince Michael that being judges was a great idea, but the fact that they're poolside wearing business suits rather than swimsuits has Michael somewhat skeptical. When the emcee, Chuck Woolery, stops by to thank them, Michael is convinced this was a mistake. Michael has suddenly lost that playboy in him, obvious when he says, "I don't want beautiful girls, I want Kimberly." He misses the missus so much that, despite Peter's efforts to stop him, he runs off to call her. Peter tries to make chase, but he is intercepted by a top-heavy Teri Carson and her contestant-daughter, Brandi, aka Miss Tarzana. Oh yes, a 100% "Valley Girl," although "Like totally, eh?" never struck me as a valley girl phrase, making me think she's really from Canada. Teri clamps herself to Peter like a leech, hoping she can sway him to vote for her daughter. As she leads him off, she instructs Brandi to "Go do yourself some good with the other one." Meanwhile, Michael, the other one, calls home using his cellular phone. Kimberly is in the living room sitting in a rocking chair, which must be the replacement for the old sofa. This is just a guess, but sex on this thing is going to be a little trickier. But it'll sure be easier to throw over the railing and light on fire afterward. Kimberly seems busy rocking, rocking, rocking -- rocking those personalities right out of her head! Apparently, this is a new treatment for MPD which requires a couple of days of teetering in total solitude in order to complete. So she tells Michael to give her some time and space, then hangs up. Brandi, trying to do herself some good, approaches Michael and proceeds to knock his phone from his hand. She never claimed to be graceful, eh. She says she was hoping she could borrow his phone to make a call. "It's a local call, I promise, eh." Then she lunges for Michael's lips. Sorry Brandi, wrong mouthpiece! In any case, we move back over to Peter and Loni, I mean, Teri (Jeesh, what's with all these end-in-I names?) where he is trying his best to remain ethical. Being a pushy stage mother, she offers Peter an opportunity to learn what Brandi is as a person, so that the final voting won't be just "skin deep." Or did she say, show *how* Brandi became a person? They make a dinner date. Whatever. All this scene did was remind me of the Julie Newmar poolside hotel scene from last episode, only this time I could understand what the Oldie-of-the-Week was saying.

[Shooters]
Sydney and Laurie go to lunch at the best damn bar this side of, well, South Central L.A. Laurie has a job interview later that day so she just may be staying awhile. Syd explains that next to penis envy, Jo's really hung up on kiddy envy, especially since she lost her child. Laurie feels that maybe it's not appropriate to "rub Jo's nose in it," but Syd says it's okay since Jo's a sap anyway, and the best thing to do would be to milk her for all the baby-sitting Laurie can get. Laurie asks for the scoop regarding the "meatball" that Syd's shacking up with. When Syd describes Bobby as playing hard-to-get, Laurie suggests a little trick she used: she and her ex Tony got matching tattoos. Provided a sort of bonding. Of course, don't let the fact that she is now a single mother taint the effectiveness of such a stunt. Amanda and Billy stop by for lunch, too. Either the food here is damn delicious or Billy's treating, which means the prices must be dirt cheap. Of course, they happen to seat themselves at one of Alison's tables, so the three of them proceed to exchange their weekly dose of insults, Billy saying a bar is a perfect place for Alison to work since she really knows her liquor, and Alison turning to Amanda and saying, "So this is the rising star you're hitching yourself to?" Alison turns and walks away, and being new at waitressing, forgets to take their order. Amanda is so preoccupied with the problems getting her contract renewed, however, that she doesn't even notice the lack of food. She tells Billy she feels they might be grooming a new president. He tells her not to worry, but she says it's hard to hang with the boys. Billy suggests an innocuous event, such as a party. Well, it just so happens that it's Amanda's birthday. Billy even goes so far as to volunteer to be the one to invite Arthur and the rest of the "Field." When Billy mentions also inviting friends, Amanda corrects him, saying she only has enemies and associates. Billy asks what category he falls under, and Amanda replies, "That's up to you."

[MP, Courtyard at Night]
Jo is stuck playing Candyland with Laurie's kid, Tyler. Even the newcomers to Melrose learn quickly who the doormats are. Tyler asks a lot of annoying questions, such as, does she have children?; were any sent away for adoption?; how many men has she killed, accidental or otherwise?; is that why she isn't married? Jo answers the last question saying that she doesn't have the patience for the guys she meets. Then Tyler gets a little kinky by asking Jo to marry him. I guess the MP writing staff isn't used to writing dialogue for an eight year old kid, giving him the kind of lines that either Jess or Reed might say! Jo gets this wicked smile on her face, and we can only pray that he's not really a child but a midget, or that the topic soon changes to child abuse.

[Miss Health & Fitness Pageant]
Peter and Teri, in her avocado tube-wrap, have finished dinner and are proceeding to their rooms when they run into Michael, who seems to be wallowing in self-pity. He states that he's going for a walk on the beach. As Peter and Teri ride up the elevator, she invites him to her room. He laughs, stating it's against the rules. She hits the STOP button and starts for Peter's zipper. Even though the elevator is going up, Peter's isn't, simply because he's in love with another woman. He apologizes and thanks her for the offer, but now she's upset because word might get out that she didn't go "all the way" with Peter, ruining her reputation, which seems a little backwards to me. She explains that she never had anything in life except her looks (and they're a pair of the biggest looks I've ever seen!), yet she never won the big one. But now she's laying herself on the line as Brandi's ticket to the top. She tells him, "What happened tonight, buys your vote, whether it was consummated or not." Meanwhile, Michael gets raped on the beach by Brandi, hypnotizing him with her chant, "Vote for me, vote for me." She goes down on him, while mommy dearest looks on, proud as any mother could be for having a daughter follow in her footsteps. Unlike Peter and Teri, they do consummate, and Michael ends up losing his wedding ring in the sand.

[Shooters]
Jane returns, apologizing to Jake for storming out the last time. She agrees business with Dick might be good, but she wants to be sure Jake's comfortable with the fact that she'll be seeing Richard more than him. Then they try to attempt some desk sex which has been missing from the show for some time now.

[Miss Health & Fitness Pageant]
Good 'ole Chuck Woolery, the emcee, will announce the winner in "2 and 2." Michael seems worried that Peter didn't vote for Brandi. The results: 3rd place - Bunny Stein (brunette); 2nd place - Brandi Carson (brunette); leaving only the blondes for grand prize. Duh, didn't Loni remember why she bleached her hair so many years ago? Teri storms over to Peter calling him a bastard, since there's no way her daughter can become Miss California without having the ever-popular Miss Health & Fitness title under her G-string!

[MP, Jo's Apt]
Jo arrives only to find Laurie scolding Tyler for playing with the stove. Jo is shocked at Laurie's child rearing techniques.

[Streets of L.A.]
Syd and Bobby are drinking...at another bar besides Shooters! Granted, it's not in the most upscale neighborhood, given a body piercing shop and a tattoo parlor are on the same block. Drunken Bobby was unaware that pixies can really hold their liquor. She drags him into the tattoo parlor. He says he thinks he'll be sick, and so do I, every time I see Syd lust after that dumb lug nut.

[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Amanda and Billy are snugly in bed. Billy wants some, but she's not in the mood. When he reaches over, he's surprised to find Amanda snivelling. Crocodile tears, but he don't know dat, baby! Figuring it's about her contract problems, Billy willingly offers to talk to the Board himself, falling right into Amanda's web. "Promise me you won't do anything foolish on my behalf." He promises not to promise anything, especially since everything he does looks foolish. She goes out to watch TV on the couch. As she lays there, her tears vanish and a devilish grin overcomes her face.

[MP, Syd's Apt]
Not only does Bobby wake up with a Spidey man web tattoo on his elbow, but now *he's* on the couch and she's got the bed back! He's pissed. She tries to remedy the situation by saying she got one too, and shared in the pain. He screams, "I got a mural plastered across my arm, and you got a speck?" referring to her one inch heart tattoo that looks like a rub-on.

[Michael's Beach House]
He admits to Kimmy that he lost his ring which really throws Ms. Triple-personality in for a loop. She feels it's an omen. Oh man, now what's she going to blow up?

[Amanda's Party]
Company party for Amanda's birthday. In her speech, she emphasizes that it's the 5th birthday she's celebrated at D&D, a remarkable feat considering she's only been a cast member since the 21st episode and the show's only in its 4th season! Arthur Field announces he wants a moment alone with the birthday girl. Unfortunately, there are no convenient hotel bedrooms like Billy had at the Advertiser's Convention last week. Arthur brings her to orgasm by giving her a new contract for another three years. Still, it wasn't as good for him as it was for her. It seems Billy threatened to quit unless she was resigned. Billy calls it a birthday present that she can thank him for, later that evening, but she says she has other plans, namely going to Peter's that night. Amanda, after watching Elisabeth Shue lose out at the Academy awards just as she did at the Emmys, realizes that the common denominator is Andrew/Billy, so she dumps him.

[Shooters]
Alan is supposedly in New York City. Matt and David are having drinks. All Matt can do is talk about Alan this, and Alan that. David finally can't take it anymore and asks, "Do you hear yourself at all?" To which Matt replies, "What?" Sorry David, but Matt doesn't seem to hear himself or you! So David calls off the date, causing Matt to exclaim, "That sucks!" Yeah, but it's not the kind of sucking David was hoping for tonight! David tells Matt he really needs to get ahold of himself, and Matt adds, "And you need to get lost."

[Peter's House]
Amanda drops by. Peter asks where her sidekick is, so she informs him that she is no longer seeing Billy. Before they even kiss, Teri stops by, accuses him of statutory rape of her daughter Brandi, and informs him that she's filing charges. Amanda finds sex with a 17-year old sick, believing Teri's accusations over Peter's denials. She feels relieved that she found out this "truth" before getting sucked back into Peter's sick, twisted world during her moment of weakness. And even though it's supposedly freezing out, Amanda still has her convertible top down as she zooms off in the night.

[MP, Jo's Apt]
Jo wants to give Tyler a bath but he's afraid of the water. Huh? He can swim like a tadpole in the pool, yet he's afraid of the bath? When she helps him disrobe, she finds a nasty bruise on his shoulder. She asks him how he got it but he can't remember. Okay, so he's not a midget and we get the token social issue child abuse story instead.
[To Be Continued...]

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Last Modified April 02, 1996