Melrose Place
Episode #127 / Season #4
Title: "Melrose Unglued"
Original Air Date: Monday, April 29, 1996


Synopsis

[Beach House]
Seeing Michael laying there on the floor, a small pool of blood beginning to form around his head, caused me to fully understand Simon & Garfunkel's intention when they sang "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail, yes I would, if I coooould..." Anyway, Betsy has won but is gone again, and now Kimberly realizes that she almost killed her man. Thinking quickly, she turns the room upside down to make it appear as though Michael had walked in on a theif. She exits through the rear deck and heads towards the front door. But to her surprise, Syd is approaching from the driveway, almost foiling her plans. Kimberly fumbles with her keys, pretending to have just arrived home herself. Home from where, who knows? Even Syd stops a moment to wonder. When they enter, Kimberly exclaims in a most ho-hum, matter-of-factly fashion, "Oh my God, I've been robbed." (This just goes to show you how great an actress Marcia Cross really is. Had John Enos said the same line, we would have simply written it off as the dumb lug stumbling through yet another scene.) They hear moaning coming from the bedroom, and if we didn't know better, we would have figured Michael was busy at it with Brandi again! They run in to find him on the ground. Kimberly sees Michael picking up the hammer, the preferred choice of weapons these days, and concludes "Uh, uh, looks like you surprised a burglar."

[Opening Stock Footage]
Lyrics from R.E.M., singing "I am, I am, I am Superman, and I know what's happening..." Funny, but speaking of Superman, I can't help but think of Margot Kidder, living out her fantasy as a real-life Kimberly/Betsy! Maybe Aaron should keep her in mind. But I digress...

[MP, Courtyard]
It's another sunny morning in Melroseland. Sydney, on her way out first runs into Jo, lashing out at her for interfering in Laurie's life. Then Syd teases Jake, seeing him bringing over some coffee for Jane. Jake apologizes to Jane again, even though he has NO clue what he's done wrong this time. He's dumb, but at least he's good at saying he's sorry! Although very subtle, Jane hints about being raped by Richard when she says to Jake that all she can think about is "...the 'big new deal' that Richard 'landed' in New York," obviously referring to herself as the "big new deal." Okay, so you didn't get it... now you know how Jake feels. The only difference is, he's in this state ALL THE TIME!

[County of Los Angeles, Central Jail]
In an interrogation room, Alycia again advises Peter to offer the Carsons the $200,000, but Peter vehemently disagrees, saying "I will not admit having sex with that teeny-bopper!" Precisely at that moment, Amanda somehow manages to allow herself into the room, interrupting the consultation taking place. Amanda assures Peter he won't have to admit bopping teeny. She sits down, crossing her legs, and the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Whoa, what a skirt!" Or better yet, "What skirt?" She explains how when she went to the hotel to talk with Teri she saw Michael with Brandi, their body language screaming out "Intimate!" Peter can hardly wait to get his hands on Michael, just as soon as he gets out of there, but Amanda offers to rescue him by working to resolve the problem right away. After some hesitation, he accepts her offer and asks if "A thank you" is good enough. She replies "Not nearly," and proceeds to grab him by the shirt collar, look at him cross-eyed, then yank him close as if to either kiss him or head-butt him -- it ends up they kiss. Then she walks out, Peter's eyes and body following her every step. Even he can't believe just how short her skirts are getting these days. Ah, the benefits of Spring! Unfortunately, he is stopped short by a police guard as she struts off.

[Burns-Mancini-Mancini-Burns]
More moans of pleasure are emanating from behind another door, but we know it's not office sex involving either Peter or Michael from the fact that Syd has hung a sign outside the office: "NO DOCTORS IN TODAY. BURNS IN JAIL. MANCINI IN HOSPITAL" Rather, the sounds of ecstasy are coming from some porno movie dailies that Jimmy Stanley has brought over for Syd to review, which she does gleefully over a bowl of popcorn. Jimmy informs her that "Two more days and it's in the can," which must be a good thing in the porno industry even though it sounds bad, because Syd proceeds to cut Jimmy a check for the last installment. Then Jimmy tries to work his way into Syd's pants but before he can Bobby pops in, all dressed-up in his aircraft mechanic duds. He can't believe Syd is watching a porno with Jimmy, until she explains it's the latest business venture she's gotten them into. Bobby is so disgusted that he mumbles to Jimmy, "Get out." But no one moves. "What are ya, deaf?" No, Bobby, youse just gotta articulate! Anyway, Bobby had come by to apologize to Syd for getting mad about the tattoos, but seeing this whole porno flick fiasco only reinforced the fact that whatever they had, it was definitely NOT a relationship. He says adieu -- well, actually more like "buh-bye."

[Wilshire Memorial]
Matt and Michael are engaged in a slapping fest, Matt having fun trying to dress Michael's wounds. You see, Wilshire Memorial is the kind of place that lets med students work on minor things like head injuries. Amanda stops by with a bouquet of flowers, and soon gets Michael to admit that he allowed the "kid" to seduce him. She promises to save his butt, then smacks him one on the noggin'.

[Shooters]
So let's see here, there are 3 tables, and 6 chairs, and Alison has all of them crammed around 1 table. Jake snaps at her, showing her that, luckily for him, it doesn't take a *computer* expert to calculate 2 chairs per table. Alison asks why he's so testy, then guesses "Jane?" That must've been the secret word because Jake gets diarrhea of the mouth, spewing all about how Jane keeps pushing him away, blah, blah, blah. Alison tries to calm him, saying "I'm sure in time..." but Jake interrupts, saying "That's just it. I don't have time. I feel like time's slipping away, like she's slipping away, like the season finale is right around the corner." He asks her to get involved and find out why Jane is being so weird. At first, Alison protests, saying meddling in other people's lives isn't her strong suit. But when Jake offers her the night off (no pay, of course) along with "firing her ass" if she refuses, she changes her mind and readily accepts the challenge, assuming the role as the female "Fielding."

[D&D]
First of all, it's nighttime which, by the sheer number of worker bees, seems to be the most productive time for work to get done in this hive. The place is buzzing, and among the drones is Billy, wandering about aimlessly. He's aggravated because no one is giving him direction now that he's turned over a new leaf. Amanda could care less but does congratulate him on that "leaf thing," before proceeding to her office where Teri Carson is waiting impatiently. Considering this is Loni's last "cameo," you'd think she'd show off a little more cleavage, but instead, she appears relatively conservative in something so hideous only Jane could've designed. Teri proceeds to inform Amanda that any offer she may have up her skirt, or sleeve is immaterial, figuring this is the reason behind Amanda requesting their meeting. Teri adds, "Nothing you do or say will make up for what that man did to ME." "To you? I was under the impression he 'did it' to your daughter" Amanda replies, suddenly seeing a chink in Teri's armor, or breastplate as the case may be. Teri, attempting to cover her slip-up, goes on a tirade about men and how they indiscriminately use people, saying "They use you, your beauty, then they toss you away the moment you're not their ideal anymore." Amanda shakes her head in agreement, adding "Believe me, I've been through the same thing. But don't worry, the only Reynolds we have around here is Jo." Teri continues, explaining that it all started with Brandi's father, some guy whose name she never bothered to ask, implying it was the guy's fault for being seduced by her 18 years ago. At this point, we're supposed to believe there's a moment of bonding between these two women, but Teri/Loni seems to have forgotten this part of the script, so Amanda quickly grabs a Kleenex and hands it to Teri as a signal that she's supposed to get teary-eyed. In the background, the crew is busy spraying onion juice in the air, but by now the moment is lost and all Amanda can do is give a fake half-smile as if to say, "Thank God Loni's out of here; I can hardly wait for Priscilla!"

[MP, Jane's Apt]
Alison is over at Jane's, playing detective and loving every minute of it. Jane starts her weekly quota of demeaning remarks by telling Alison she's so frustrated that sometimes she wishes she had a simple job like Alison's. If Alison is the female Matt, Jane is truly the female Dick. Then the phone rings, and Jane lets her answering machine pick up. Surprise, it's the male Dick, who leaves a stupid message saying "I know you're there Jane, pick up. You can't hide from me forever. Jane?" After he hangs up, Jane jumps from her chair, clearly on the edge of emotionaly breakdown. Alison detects something may be wrong here so Alison takes a wild guess, asking Jane, "Is it about Richard?" Jane turns, and then confides in Alison about the rape. Then they finish their tea.

[D&D]
Peter bursts into Amanda's office, both ecstatic and amazed by Amanda's talents at getting all the charges against him dropped. But his jubilation is short-lived, because Teri and Brandi are there waiting, too. It ends up that the Carsons dropped the lawsuit because Amanda signed on Brandi as the new Miracle Girl for Lady Day cosmetics. And by looks of Teri, she'd better hope an unlimited supply of Miracle cream is part of Brandi's contract! Before they leave, Peter demands that they speak the truth about what happened in front of Amanda, that he never laid a hand on either of them. Teri refuses until Brandi admits it was all a lie. As the two beauts leave, Teri gives Amanda some food for thought, describing Peter as a con man who will trample someone else and is bound to get himself back in trouble real soon. Then Teri asks the rhetorical question, "How are you conning Ms. Woodward, doctor?" When Peter and Amanda are finally alone, Peter admits that everything he does is because he loves her, mumbling it even better than Bobby Parezi could ever do.

[Wilshire Memorial]
Matt visits Dr. O'Malley's office, applying for the job as O'Malley's teaching assistant. O'Malley makes it perfectly clear that being the T.A. doesn't guarantee an 'A' in his class. Matt, quite unconvincingly, says "The thought never crossed my mind." O'Malley tells Matt he's a terrible liar, and adds "I hate butt-kissers." This news really bums Matt out and he becomes outwardly depressed. But O'Malley tells Matt if he gets him a date with Jo Reynolds, then the job is his. Matt is surprised that O'Malley has any interest in Jo, but O'Malley explains he likes "oralzealousness" in a woman (Hey, oral, over... whatever!) When Matt states that it sounds a little strange that the only way to get the T.A. position is by arranging a blind date, O'Malley tells him "It's a secret clause in the Hippocratic oath. You see, you scratch my back, and I scratch yours." Wow! This part of the oath really cheers Matt up again, and he now realizes just why he went into medicine. All this talk about butt-kissing and back scratching sounds kind of fun! And speaking of oaths, Peter stops by Michael's room to see how he's doing. Michael admits he's tired of living the hypocritical oath, so he plans on confessing the whole Brandi incident to Kimberly. Peter warns Michael that she'll literally KILL him once she learns of the truth and that things are better left unsaid. Peter feels Kimberly is too fragile for such information and so he and Amanda promise that they'll keep quiet on this one. But Michael feels Kimberly is not too fragile, saying "You know, I think this knock on my head has actually knocked some sense into hers, if that makes any sense." Peter answers, "None at all. Why don't you be smart for a change, and keep your mouth shut."

[Shooters]
Jo admits she looks like sh!t. Matt is a little distressed because his T.A. position really depends on her hitting it off with O'Malley, who strolls in seconds later. Suave O'Malley breaks the ice by talking about child abuse, and then flatters her by reminding her he thinks she's an "obsessed maniac." She informs him that she didn't know about this blind date and probably wouldn't have come had she known. So O'Malley quips, "I know you're angry, but really, you should be flattered." This arrogance is just what turns Jo on, however, so she agrees to stay for a drink or twelve.

[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Peter stops by Amanda's with some $10 roses. Amanda can't believe she saved his butt in return for some crummy flowers. Peter admits it wasn't too creative but that doctors are all left-brained. Amanda informs him that in advertising, they're mostly right-brained. Then they both agree, with aircraft mechanics, it's basically no brain -- ta-dah, Bobby Parezi! Using her creativeness, Amanda tells Peter the only way to properly thank her is for him to strip naked. He does, then she does, and within moments they start kissing. As they continue in their lip lock, the camera pans to the floor showing Amanda literally lifting off the ground by the sheer suction of Peter's kiss! Now that's what I call sucking face.

[MP, Courtyard]
Dr. O'Malley walks Jo home. The topic of conversation changes to abuse, again, something she admits having much experience in. She mentions her husband who used to beat her and how she denied it for too long. Only, she never seemed to learn, going back for more, first with Reed Carter and then later with Jess Hanson. O'Malley agrees to take another look at Tyler and Laurie tomorrow in the park.

[Beach House]
Kimberly is busy cleaning the silverware. Michael, oblivious to her Betsy Homemaker outfit and hairdo, decides this is the opportune time to cleanse his soul. He tells her that he was the one, not Peter, who drank all the Brandi down in San Diego. He apologizes, claiming it must have been "temporary insanity." But Kimberly knows better, having already read that book and is actually almost finished with volume VII of the series, Multiple Personality Disorders. So she recommends that Michael leave -- immediately! Once again, he narrowly escapes death when she throws a knife and it sticks into the backside of the front door just as he's closing it. She locks him out all night. The next morning, back as Kimberly, she tells him it's safer if he moves out, saying "It's dangerous to be anywhere near *us*." Michael, still blind to her various personalities, wonders who else is inside the house. She has his bag packed and shoves it into his arms.

[Burns-Mancini-Mancini-Burns]
Jimmy tells Syd the movie is almost ready. But Syd doesn't care anymore, since the only reason she got into the business in the first place was to win Bobby's heart and now he's gone, resigned to living a life of poverty. When she curses Bobby's father for having destroyed Bobby's cable business, Jimmy corrects her, telling Syd that it wasn't Bobby's father who set Bobby up, but rather Bobby's lawyer, Alycia, and someone she "was doing." This seems to be common knowledge amongst the lowlife scum bags of the world, but not to anyone else. Anyway, Syd deduces that Peter was the one who instigated the whole thing, and now she figures she has just the right information necessary to get her Bobby back.

[Playground]
Jo and Dominick harass Laurie. She immediately breaks down and admits that it was her previous boyfriend, Tony in Chicago, who did the beating. Now this is the way we've come to expect storylines -- a couple weeks of "suspense" wrapped up in 60 seconds. (Yawn.)

[Shooters]
Dick and Jane go to Shooters. Dick orders a couple of drinks from Alison. She claims that the table they're at isn't her station but she'll send someone over to help them, even though Shooters only other waiter, Matt, is busy at the hospital butt-kissing or back-scratching. Dick tells Jane he hopes, for her sake, that she's keeping her mouth zipped about New York. Jane says she is, but wonders why everyone's yelling at her, "XYZ! XYZ!"

[Aircraft Hangar]
Syd visits Bobby, who, for some reason is dressed up like Buddy Holly while sanding the fuselage of a Cessna. She relays the information she learned earlier to Bobby, explaining that Alycia wanted the cable company while Peter wanted Amanda. Then Sydney asks him if he needs some help getting revenge because she's pretty good at it. Instead, he tells her to get out.

[Restaurant]
Kimberly has Peter meet her for dinner. She admits that Betsy is back and is getting really mean. Kimberly is some doctor, actually remembering what happens as one personality while she's currently another! She says that it's getting pretty ugly. Peter wants to check her back in to a facility immediately. Like Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats, the Betsy inside of her likes the shredded wheat delusions, but the Kimberly inside of her likes the sugar coating of an institution! Still, she wonders what they should say to the neighbors. Peter says first they'll tell them she's away at a convention. After that, they'll just be inventive. She assures Peter that she's alright with this decision. Then she sips her coffee, strange eerie music starts, and she goes kooky again. She tells Peter she has to powder her nose, then slips out the back door while Peter waits for her out front.

[Burns-Mancini-Mancini-Burns]
For some reason, people *other* than those who are supposed to be here are often found lurking about. Last week, Kimberly was hanging around after hours. This time, it's Bobby, who's been drinking quite heavily. Alycia stops by late that night, calling out Peter's name but gets surprised by Bobby. It seems he left messages on both Alycia's machine pretending to be Peter, and on Peter's machine, pretending to be Alycia (I'm dying to hear that one!) Bobby asks Alycia what he did to cause her to take away everything he owned. She immediately blames Peter, but Bobby doesn't like that answer and calls her a bitch. Then he approaches her rather quickly, so she grabs a nearby golf putter and strokes Bobby right out the window of Peter's office and to the cement below, landing in the exact same position as his ill-fated brother Jack Parezi did after carelessly falling off a second story railing earlier this season. When Alycia peers down from the window and sees that Bobby missed the large circular water fountain by only five feet, she blames herself, wishing she had used pitching wedge instead!

[MP, Amanda's Apt]
Peter stops by Amanda's the next morning, having been looking for Kimberly all night. Amanda is in a stupor. She informs Peter that Bobby was murdered, thrown out of Peter's office window at 9:15 pm, and that the police are looking for him. Peter tells Amanda that he has an alibi, since he was having dinner with Kimberly until 9 pm. She says she believes him, but gives a facial expression reminiscent of Billy. Peter takes off to find Kimberly.

[Shooters]
Jake corners Alison, asking her to spill her guts about what she knows regarding Jane and Dick. For a change, Alison holds her ground. But just like when Jake the bartender dishes out bad advice to anyone who'll listen, so does Alison the waitress. Rather than play it cool, she says, "Look, if you want to know something, then you're going to have to ask her yourself." So Jake grabs his jacket and say, "Okay, I will. That's exactly what I'll do" and heads off. Alison pleads, "Jake, don't," but it's too late as Jake is out the door.

[D&D]
It's nighttime, so of course, Amanda arrives for work. A well-dressed, yet minimum wage lackey has been waiting around all day for her, simply to hand her a folder and to relay a message that Midline Airways had been trying to reach her. Then he goes home. Lesson learned here: Don't EVER take a message for Amanda! She also has a message on her voice mail. Expecting it to be from Peter, whom she hasn't seen or heard from all day, she's surprised when she hears Bobby's voice. He called her from Peter's office, moments before his short flight to earth. In his message, he reveals to her that it was Peter who set him up with the senator; the contributions; how Peter sank his reputation so she would dump him and Peter could have her all to himself. And how it worked so well. Then Bobby chuckles, saying how he thought the most important thing to her was honesty. The message concludes with him saying, "Wait! Someone's coming. I think it's Peter. Gotta go!"

[MP, Jane's Apt]
Jake runs over to Jane's apartment, demanding to know what's going on. Initially, she tells him to leave, but when he persists she yells out that Dick raped her. XYZ Jane, XYZ! Jake turns and heads out, speechless, just as Alison arrives. Now it's Alison's turn to ask Jane what's going on, so Jane tells her that she told Jake everything and now he's going to go and kill Richard. When Alison asks why Jane didn't bother to stop him, Jane replies "No, I let him go. I want him to kill him." There Jane goes again, using men...

[Wilshire Memorial]
Peter is busy looking for Kimberly, not for her well-being now but rather for his. Meanwhile, the police are busy looking for Peter. It ends up that the police are more successful than Peter is, as they catch him as he's talking to nurse Amy. They want to talk to him about his involvement in the collapse of Bobby Parezi's cable company. The police have word that Peter and Alycia collaborated in an effort to slander Bobby. As Peter and the detectives head off for questioning, Peter gets an emergency call on line 3. It's Alycia, calling in from her car phone. She's driving full speed ahead with the flip phone propped against her left ear, using only her shoulder to hold it in place. She's calling to say good-bye. She admits to killing Bobby, but also admits to still loving Peter. Peter tells her if that's true she needs to turn around and come back. So she agrees. Then Peter asks that she please speak with the detectives that are with him. But right at that moment, Alycia transfers the phone from her left ear to her right. But the weight of the phone must have been just too much for that scrawny, bulimic body of hers, and her right hand loses its grip on the phone causing it to tumble to the car floor. Alycia bends over to retrieve it, obviously misunderstanding the use of cruise control, and moments later she slams head-on into an oncoming tractor-trailer rig, throwing her car back several hundred feet and the cellular phone out onto the pavement. The scene ends as Peter's voice is heard over the cellular, asking "Alycia? Are you there? Alycia, you there? I'm losing you, you're breaking up. Alycia, answer me!" Sure, not the happiest of scenes, unless you're a Motorola flip phone sales representative!
[To Be Continued... Next Week: "Peter's Excellent Adventure"]

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Last Modified April 30, 1996