for the S/M Policy Reform Statement
March 5, 1997
To the Board of Directors of the National Organization for Women:
As a current NOW member and a former chapter officer I believe in the tenets of NOW's Statement of Purpose, particularly: "IN THE INTERESTS OF THE HUMAN DIGNITY OF WOMEN, we will protest, and endeavor to change....all policies and practices--in church, state, college, factory or office--which in the guise of protectiveness, not only deny opportunities but also foster in women self denigration, dependence, and evasion of responsibility, undermine their confidence in their own abilities and foster contempt for women."
I unequivocally believe that the 1980 Delineation of Lesbian Rights Issues statement that "Sadomasochists seek to legitimize and provide premeditated structure for violence" exemplifies exactly the opposite of the quoted text of the Statement of Purpose. Who, better than myself, shall make decisions regarding what I and my life partner find fulfilling and mutually beneficial sexual expression? Surely, NOW would denounce, as would I, any organization which would advocate that we women must forego--in personal sacrifice to the "greater cause" of individual rights--our most basic right to love whom we love in the manner in which we choose to love them.
As the Statement of Purpose foretold: "...[W]omen will do the most to create a new image of women by...speaking out in behalf of their own equality, freedom, and human dignity...." In my life that has been the point of both my battle for self determination and my pride of accomplishment, as has the second half of that tenet of belief, which has come to fruition due at least in apart to NOW's efforts: "...[W]omen will develop confidence in their own ability to determine...the conditions of their life, their choices, their future and their society." I now have that confidence, secured in the knowledge that only I have the information available to properly make an informed decision regarding my sexuality even despite its potential embarrassment or political disadvantage to my NOW chapter. The dilemma reminds me ever so much of the anti-lesbian sentiment found in the earliest days of NOW's otherwise esteemed existence.
Please, therefore, do not stand in the way of your own daughters and sisters when they implore you to accept the reform language of the NOW-S/M project, which asserts: the rights of adults to engage in any safe, sane and consensual sexual expression that they so choose, including s/m, an assertion made every bit as simply and boldly as our foresisters' words in the compelling and at that time "outrageous" NOW Statement of Purpose as adopted in 1966.
Respectfully in favor of freedom of choice in all women's endeavors,
/signed/
Name Removed by Request
The primary purpose of education is the neutralisation of fears. If this project can help humankind to choose practices which are safe, sane, consensual - and still satisfying - then it will all have been worthwhile.
I have lived the past 13 years of my life in a private hell of self hate and disgust caused by my and society's misunderstanding of the sadomasochistic lifestyle. After weeding through the myths about BDSM I now know that I do not have to be in an abusive, destructive relationship to have the needs that I was born with fulfilled. This is my "sexual preference" and I can participate in a safe, sane and consensual relationship that is "affectional". BDSM activites are performed with love and trust. I wish that society was more understanding of people who live their lives this way. We are just different, not sick or broke and in need of fixing. Please educate yourselves with the truths about BDSM not the myths.
My greatest difficulty coming to terms with BDSM involved reconciling my desires for submission and bondage with my feminism. For a long time, I thought the two were incompatible, which caused me great distress. If NOW approves this policy, it will help other conflicted women. Plus, distinguishing BDSM from abuse will make it easier to aid the real victims.
"As the new generation of feminists (mine) comes into our own, and the next generation is already treading the boards in our universities and high schools, I would like to think that our knowledge of ourselves and our definitions of liberation have evolved sufficiently to embrace the many and varied forms of erotic desire that women experience and the equally varied forms of erotic expression that women choose. SM, its allure and its practice, is about fantasy and about engaging the imagination. To deny women their fantasies, to condemn them, is the most damaging act of all. My cause is for women to be free to live and love as they choose, not controlled or defined by a male-dominated society, and likewise not controlled or defined by misunderstanding, ignorance, or political correctness. For NOW to specifically define SM as violence and to condemn its practice by consenting, mature women, is counter to everything I would hope for from feminism and our continuing struggle for equality."
Cecilia Tan, author of BLACK FEATHERS: EROTIC DREAMS
"Speaking personally, I am a feminist and a sadomasochist. I am proud to be both. I was a parade marshall at the first Women's Lib March (1970) when I was 14 and have never abandoned any of my feminist principles. The first principle, to me, is that feminism is a form of humanism, embracing and promoting social equality. Second, that feminists will always view as their enemy any enemies of freedom of expression and human rights.
"As far as SM sexuality is concerned: to an outsider who does not understand its appeal, any sexual act may bring up unpleasant or "dirty" associations. In the case of SM, the outsider may legitimately observe that SM sexuality resembles violence or cruelty. The only way to understand the meaning or morality of a sexual act, however, is by examining how the partners involved feel about it. As a group, SM'ers seek out the same emotional balance and happiness in their relationships that all loving partners seek. Simply, they derive erotic pleasure from extreme types of sensation and emotional experiences.
"There is a significant parallel between attitudes towards SMers and the attitudes that gays and lesbians have faced (and still face). By attaching censorious terms to or adopting disapproving attitudes towards sex acts that they do not themselves practice, those who condemn SM are exposing a repressive political agenda. They are defining what they do not understand and condemning what they fear. To deny SMers their right freely to live out their natural sexual needs is true oppression. And for women to oppress women is the most depressing form of oppression there can be."
Gloria G. Brame is a widely-recognized expert on SM/fetish sexuality; she has presented papers to scholarly organizations (including the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality), appeared on scores of radio and television shows (national), and is frequently quoted in national magazines and newspapers (Washington Post, Redbook, GQ, Mademoiselle, etc.) on the topic. Brame is a mainstream journalist in the women's market (Working Woman, Cosmopolitan, Know-How for Women, Complete Woman, American Woman, etc.), plus author of two forthcoming books on dating and sex from Avon Books. Graduated Columbia U. (M.A. '78), former academic (professor of English and Creative Writing, NYU, CUNY, and Hofstra), listed in "Who's Who of American Women." Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission is now in its 5th printing, and has become a standard text in graduate sexology programs in the US and Canada, and is about to published in the UK and Italy.
June 9, 1997
To the Board of Directors of the National Organization for Women:
I support the S/M Policy Reform Project, a movement among members of the National Organization for Women which is attempting to amend NOW's 1980 "Delineation of Lesbian Rights" which states that S/M is violence.
The S/M Policy Reform Statement affirms that S/M is not violence and that adults have the right to engage in any safe, sane and consensual sexual expression they so chose.
I believe it is time for individuals to take personal responsibility for their own sexuality. As Elizabeth Cady Stanton wrote over a century ago, "No matter how much women prefer to lean, to be protected and supported, nor how much men desire to have them do so, they must make the voyage of life alone."
These words still resonate with us today because the work of feminism is not yet done. When each of us takes responsibility for ourselves, monitoring our own desires by ensuring our actions are safe and consensual, then we are one step closer to taking personal responsibility for our own well-being and obtaining fulfillment in work and politics as well as at home.
As long as anyone presumes to have the right to dictate another person's most intimate and individual desires, then none of us are free.
Susan Wright
Coordinator, S/M Policy Reform Project
The ability of a woman to explore her sexuality is a fundemental right. To respect this right, NOW must recognize that women engage in a wide variety of sexual expressions and to educate others about safe, sane and consensual sexual activity.
I recently rejoined NOW to add my support to this reform. As a feminist lesbian in a loving, supportive bdsm relationship, I wish to affirm my right to enjoy whatever form of consensual sexuality I choose, including s/m.
I'd prefer NOW"s acceptance of this to feeling marginalized and/or misunderstood. I am a sexual submissive, bisexual, feminist
I want to express my support to your efforts for bringing some enlightenment and understanding about SM to those who should be our sisters, but often see us as the enemy.
Bravo! I am very happy to see this change in NOW's policy, and will finally be able to consider joining. This is the one issue that has kept me from joining your ranks in the past. I could have written the "Letter to my Sister" on this site myself.
Damn it, it's time the "official" feminists started *listening* rather than dictating. I thought feminism was supposed to be about tolerance, freedom, choice & personal responsibility. Instead we get babysitters...
Everyone has the right to live the sexual lifestyle of there choice! Believing in women's rights does not mean that you can only do it their way, but the way of one's own individual choice!
A NOW member since 1975, I support the SM Policy Change Statement whole-heartedly. Feminism is about *choices,* including the choice of how and with whom we celebrate our sexuality. Feminist women and men are involved in every aspect of BDSM; our choices deserve the respect and support of NOW.
Consensual Sadiomasochism is a genetically inherited sexuality not an abuse. How can you criminalize an entire class of people, who exist, afraid of their own minds, after having been defined as monsters by those who have had no experience or knowledge of the what they are condemning.
I am a submissive woman, and I consider myself a feminist. I do not believe this is a lifestyle that is good for everyone, but since it is good for some of us, we, in a free society, should have a right to participate in it.
As a NOW member of the Peoria chapter I want to acknowledge my support for the removal of any language that classifies consensual BDSM as violence.
I fully support every individual's right to choose any and all avenues of sensual experience and sexual expression. Just as there is no one "right" way to be a woman, there is no one right, good, or appropriate way for us to experience sexuality. My consensual choice *is not* a political issue.
S/M practitioners have been victimized by society as a whole and by many groups that should know better. There is no credible evidence that S/M practitioners have any more problems or issues than other sexual orientations. There is no data to suggest that S/M leads to violence. All research so far, indicates that S/M practitioners are indistinguishable from individuals with other sexual orientations, except by their sexual behavior. The revision of the NOW policy is long overdue.
I am a polyamorous lifestyle submissive. I have also been an advocate for a Task Force for Battered Women. The difference between what it is we do and domestic violence is, to me, very, very clear. Unfortunately, until the local climate is more accepting; I can not volunteer and "out" myself. I'll do anything else I can to help, tho. You may use my email name but not my real one.
I find it contradictory to state that women have the right to experience our lives and bodies in any manner that we ourselves choose, then to delineate a list of activities in which we should not engage, even though that prohibition itself violates our freedom as free, sentient beings.
D/s has been a very positive and fulfilling part of my life, and the sharing that has come of it has not made me feel degraded or abused in any way. I support the NOW reform measure!
My job is helping sex abuse survivors, and I'm a sadomasochist. My sexual pleasure feels totally different from the nonconsensual violence our clients suffer. S/M may not be a feminist issue, but as a feminist, I hope NOW will increase its support base and coalition-building by dropping the unneeded anti-S/M language.
Safe, Sane and Consensual should be the standards for all sexual practices. Empowering womyn to choose how they express their love and affection is the only way to be truly free. Freedom of choice is essential and needs to be protected and honored by all womyn for all womyn.
I am a socially dominant, successful, highly educated and feminist business woman. I am also a happy, active submissive/bottom/top. Until I discovered the BDSM communitee, I was unhappy in my love live and unfulfilled in my sex life. I am not a victim who needs any group of men or women to protect me from my freely and joyfully chosen lifestyle. I am offended that women's groups continue to act as if women all need protection.
S/M is an important part of the feminist body politic. Its exclusion from NOW policy is unsupportive of women's sovereignty over her sexual body and how she desires to use her powerful physical and emotional statements to control her own pleasure and pain.
It is a trend in this country to "help" only those who need it if you can control everyone in sight. Why can't the members of NOW comprehend a submissive's desire to be controlled by another, when they as a group attempt to be so controlling? I prefer to have only one person control me. As an active member of the S/M community, both in Ohio and NYC, I cannot fathom anyone who considers themselves a "feminist" to be non-supportive of my right to make my own decisions regarding my sexuality. I am a well-educated, professionally employed woman, mother and grandmother. NO ONE has the right to limit my sexual expression, as long as it falls inside the boundaries of "safe, sane and consensual".
My personal and professional path continues to include my efforts to lifestyles, ideals, choices, destinies that are different from my own. I do not need to "understand" another's right to live their life in order for me to accept. I do not condone oppression or forced lifestyle choices. I am committed to supporting any individual who is defining her/himself as a sexual being and who is expressing that side of her/himself in any manner that genuine and sincere.
Calling BDSM "anti-women" objectifies and oppresses women who happily participate in consensual S/M (all real S/M is consentual). NOW's current stance on the issue reflect the mis-information created by the heteropatriachy to repress women's sexuality in general. NOW should be spending its vital resources fighting the essentialist heteropatriarchy that views sexual diversity as a threat. Your stance on BDSM makes women feel guilty for being sexual entities. Stop fighting against women and start fighting against the patriarchy esteem by denying my sexual agency.
Please add my voice to others who are encouraging NOW to revise their policy on S/M (BDSM). BDSM is practiced by consenting adults. We live by the credo safe, sane, and consensual. It is not, by definition, abuse. Like any other sexual activities, there are pre-defined limits set by consenting adults. I suggest that NOW focus their efforts on domestic violence and stay out of my bedroom, where I am free to do as I choose.
Please understand that Safe, Sane, & Consentual SM *IS* *NOT* violence towards women. Many men enjoy the woman taking control. Please take the time to read and review this amendment.
Thanks for supporting the sexual freedoms of those seen by the repressive majority as "sick"... maybe one day we'll all be allowed to be who we really are without fear of persecution.
Human Rights Organizations Psychiatrists and Physicians
Policy Presentation Quotes from Authors Form for Support Links
For more information on the NOW-S/M Project e-mail NOW SM@AOL.COM
Created Saturday, March 22, 1997 11:23:58 PM