He hopes that an intelligent person follows the prescription and
comes back. That would validate the truth. I think sometimes being very
repentant and sorry actually makes it easier to administer a harsher
punishment because there is not such a fear of losing you.

Remembering that time makes me think of some of my dating experiences after
the divorce. I looked very hard for a "worthy" male companion and father for
my children. (Their father had another family right away and did not have
enough for us and them.) I dated lots of church members. I remember this date
with one guy that was arranged by a family in my ward. They thought we would
be perfect together.

The date consisted of attending the rodeo at the college in B******,
followed by a walk up the side of a hill to the college letter. We
had a nice time until the walk. He was attractive and fit, and he
walked me up the side of the hill at a pretty good clip. I was able to keep
up with him. He asked me questions all the way up the hill about everything
from my job, to my family, to my financial practices. When we got to the top
of the hill I asked, "Well, how did I do?" He said, "What do you mean?" I
said, "Well, you walked me up this hill as fast as you can to see if I am fit,
and you have been interviewing me all the way up the hill to see if I would
be a good wife. How did I do?" We didn't have a second date :)

It was always like that with the Mormon men I dated. You would think they
would be the best, but they were the worst to date. They had the hardest time
accepting a divorced woman and weren't sure they could love someone else's
kids. Now, I am not down playing the difficulties there, and I know they are
compounded by the teaching of the church. That certainly made me second
string. Boy, was it hard!

On the other hand, the non-members that I dated seemed much more able to
accept my situation as part of the deal when they became interested in me. In
fact, sometimes I had trouble because they fell so in love with the kids and
the kids with them, but there wasn't enough between us! In the end, I passed
up on some of the most promising relationships because I wanted to have a
temple, church going marriage. I would start them and then not be able to
follow through because of my fear of not going to heaven or being an eternal
family.

Five years ago, after years of "searching," I ran into an old boyfriend while
I was home (Idaho) for Christmas. He was much younger than me, and the first
time we dated was before he went on his mission. Quite a bit to take in for
so young a man, a divorcee and three kids. On our later meeting he had been
through a divorce of his own and our experiences were more on the same level.
We dated and six months later decided to get married. I thought it was the
end of my nightmare, and my life was finally going to be like it was supposed
to be. We all got along marvelously. We weren't going to get married in the
temple, but planned to do it a year later.

Three weeks before our wedding he informed me that he and his mother had been
fasting about our marriage, and he wanted to postpone it. He just felt
uncertain. Well, I never saw him again. He called me once (we lived in
different states) and was very angry about a letter I had sent him trying to
figure everything out. I cried till I was sick, and that was the last time I
heard from him. His family lives down the road from my family, and they began
to tell people lies about me and about our relationship. It was so hurtful, I
almost curled up and died. I barely functioned for the next few months. But,
in the end, it was the best thing to happen to me. I had to leave all of
those dreams and visions of life in order to survive and in order to stand my
life.

One other funny thing about being single in the Mormon Church. I have had
several married men tell me that when polygamy comes back into practice,
they were going to find me and make me their second wife. Boy, what a
compliment, huh? That always hurt so bad.

I remember my branch president telling me once that the only chance
I had of finding a good husband was to be at the hospital when
someone's wife died. He said, if they are still single at your age, there is
something wrong with them; if they are divorced, you don't want them; and if
their wife dies and they are good, they won't last long. I asked him if he
was going to create a new calling for me ... calling on sick wives in the
hospital! My kids knew this story, and we had a very handsome bishop in one of
the wards we lived in. His wife got very sick carrying their 7th child. When
they announced that she was seriously ill in Sacrament Meeting one day, all
three of my kids looked down the bench at me and laughed. What a life, huh?

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