Enter Left Alan Adair, in characteristic pose. He strikes a few notes.
ALAN Oddsbods! Gadzooks! A door's ajar!
(To audience)What think'st thou of it so far?
But here, to raise a laugh and cheer,
Behold, Up Left, the Babes appear.
To his embarrassment, the Babes appear Up Right.
ALAN Ha-ha! Up Right, I meant to say,
And now I'll bid you all good day!
Alan exits Down Left.
Enter, Up Right, the Babes, Tammy and Teenie, and Dame Dannii. Tammy is
dragged on by a huge dog on a very long lead. The dog bolts off Down Left
with Tammy.
DAME Tootsie! Sit!
Dame Dannii and Teenie stand Centre. Tootsie (the dog) emerges from Up Left, still dragging Tammy, and bolts off Down Right, nearly sweeping the Dame off her feet.
DAME What's got into that mutt?
Tootsie re-emerges Up Right, crosses the stage, then runs round and round Dame Dannii, entangling her legs with the lead. She sways alarmingly, then falls.
DAME Oh help, me bum's numb! Me posterior's proper paralysed!
Tootsie tries to lick her face but she is angry.
DAME You daft dog! You pesky pooch! Just wait till I - See when I'm angry, I'm relentless!
Tootsie cowers Down Right, whimpering.
TEENIE You don't mean that, Nanny? Tootsie is a good dog.
Teenie comforts Tootsie. The Dame relents.
DAME All right, I didn't mean it. Come on, Tootsie.
Tootsie is all over her.
DAME Here's a bone. (Produces it) Now you know what you have to do.
Tootsie leaps up to get the bone.
DAME No, no, you daft thing, you have to beg.
She demonstrates. Tootsie understands, and begs.
DAME Oh look at all these people! Hello, everyone! I'm Dame Dannii.
That's Dannii with two Is. You know, like Dannii Monogamy. And these two are
Tammy and Teenie. Tammy, what's the matter?
TAMMY I'm hungry.
TEENIE So am I, Nanny. We haven't eaten since (local town).
DAME It's just a matter of finding the Castle. It's a wonder your uncle,
the Sheriff, didn't send someone to meet us.
Trudy Crabtree, a young village girl, passes from Right to Left, Down Stage.
DAME Excuse me, young lady?
TRUDY Yes?
DAME Can you direct us to Nottingham Castle?
TRUDY I'll not only direct you, I'll take you there. It isn't far.
DAME Are you sure it's no trouble?
TRUDY I'm going there anyway. I work in the Castle, as a lady's maid. For
the Lady Marian.
DAME That's nice. Thank you, Miss -
TRUDY My name's Trudy.
DAME I'm Dame Dannii. And this is Teenie. Say hello, Teenie.
TEENIE Hello, Teenie!
DAME Cheeky monkey! And this is Tammy.
TAMMY (Producing a space gun)I am Darth Vador, and I'm going to
zap you one!
TRUDY Pleased to meet you, Mr Vador. I know your father, Space In.
TAMMY You're okay, what's-your-name.
TRUDY You're okay too, thingummybob.
TEENIE This is Tootsie. You can shake his paw.
Tootsie places both paws on Trudy's shoulders.
TRUDY I'm overwhelmed. Lovely dog. Is he from pedigree stock?
TAMMY No, he's from (local town)!
TRUDY I mean, does he have a family tree?
TEENIE No, any tree will do!
DAME Listen, it's time we were wending our way. It's been a long journey
and you must both be tired. I'm tired!
TRUDY Come on, it's not far.
They exit, Left, Trudy taking the Babes by the hand.