NELSON: "Mr. Spock, would you care to accompany me to my
laboratory?"
SPOCK (left brow rising, hands behind his back):
"Indeed I would, Admiral. I am sure it will prove
most interesting. I am anxious to see your
primitive computer."
NELSON (smiling): "It may not be as primitive as you
think. Lee? Why don't you show Captain Kirk
around Seaview. I'll bet he'd like to see the
Missile Room."
KIRK (practically foaming at the mouth): "You win that
bet, Admiral!"
CRANE (waving toward the door with his hand): "Right
this way, Captain."
En route to the Missile Room, Crane and Kirk are thrown to
the deck as the Seaview is attacked by an unknown force.
The submarine is losing power and cannot maintain trim.
She's going down to the bottom--8000 feet--twice below crush
depth (depending upon which season it is)! Kirk suggests
raising shields. Crane explains they DON'T HAVE ANY! The
tour over before it's begun, Crane and Kirk hurry to the
Control Room. On the way there . . .
KIRK: "Say, Captain, speaking of trim trouble--"
CRANE: "Yes, Captain?"
KIRK: "How do you do it?"
CRANE: "Well, we have ballast tanks on either side of the
ship, and with rudder control we--"
KIRK: "No no no. Not that kind of trim."
CRANE: "I don't follow, Jimbo."
KIRK (tapping Crane in the gut): "You! How the devil
do you stay so thin?"
CRANE: "Oh." (Grinning at the slightly overweight man
from the future, he says in a kindly tone):
"Let's just say I get hit on the head a lot.
Keeps the ol' appetite down."
KIRK: "Funny. Bonk-bonk on the head has the opposite
effect on me. Makes me hungry as a tribble!"
CRANE (looking slightly perplexed): "Uh, sure, Kirk.
Whatever you say."
The two men enter the Control Room. Executive Officer
Morton is standing behind Seaman Riley at Sonar.
MORTON: "Contact dead ahead, sir."
CRANE: "What is it, Chip?"
MORTON: "I've only seen a reading like this once before,
Lee."
CRANE (studying the screen): "Oh shoot! It's Captain
Krueger! That body-snatcher's back again! And
he's after my hide!"
KIRK: "Captain Krueger? You mean that undead guy who
once inhabited your body?"
CRANE: "You got it, Kirk. Hey! Kirk! That's German,
isn't it? Maybe he'd be more comfortable inside
you! Why don't you talk to him?"
KIRK: "No can do, Captain. I once had this crazy
women's libber broad inhabiting my body. Drove me
nuts! After that, I swore off co-habitating. But
lemme talk to Spock. He'll give Krueger a mind-
meld he'll never forget! Know what I mean?"
CRANE: "Not really, Captain."
Back in the laboratory, Spock looks at a strip of computer
output, and raises an eyebrow.
NELSON: "Well?"
SPOCK: "With respect, Admiral, there appears to be an
error in your program."
NELSON: "Are you sure you have that the right way up?"
SPOCK: "Yes, Admiral. The figures appear to indicate
that your vessel has been struck by a temporal
anomaly, but that does not seem possible."
NELSON: "After what's happened in the last hour or so, I
wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to call
anything impossible."
SPOCK: "You misapprehend, Admiral. The nature of the
anomaly points to a disturbance extending some
seventy years into your past. I see no reason to
suppose that the arrival of the Enterprise from
the future could have had such an effect."
NELSON: "Perhaps not . . . unless . . . Let me see those
figures!"
Nelson grabs a pencil and scribbles furiously for a minute.
SPOCK (studying what Nelson has written): "Fascinating,
Admiral. You postulate that the temporal backwash
of our arrival in this time zone has disturbed
something from your own past."
NELSON (looking grim): "Yes--something that would have
been better left alone. I don't know that any of
us wants to go through all that again. Krueger's
supposed to be dead three times over!"
SPOCK: "Ah, Krueger--the phantom captain who covets your
Captain Crane's body."
Seaview lurches, and glassware cascades off the shelves.
Out in the corridor, crewmen run past with fire-
extinguishers and materials for shoring-up bulkheads.
Seaview is still plunging steeply, out-of-control.
NELSON: "And if we can't pull out of this dive soon, he'll
be able to take his pick of any man aboard when
we're all dead!" (He picks up the microphone):
"Control Room, this is Nelson. What's happening
up there?"
CRANE: "Admiral, we've got company. It's--"
NELSON: "Captain Krueger again. Yes, I know! How long
before you can blow ballast?"
CRANE: "Mr. Scott thought he could see a way to free the
pumps in ten minutes, but that's still too slow."
KIRK: "Pardon me for jumping in, Captain, but if Scotty
says ten minutes, you can bet your life he'll have
it done in--"
SCOTTY (from Engineering): "Captain Crane, we're ready
to activate these pumps of yours."
KIRK (grinning): "Less than five!"
CRANE: "Blow all tanks. Up bubble ten degrees!"
MORTON: "Ten degrees up bubble. Blow all ballast tanks."
CRANE: "Thanks, Mr. Scott. Can you lend a hand with the
reactor?"
SCOTTY: "Och, Captain, I cannae promise a miracle, but
I'll see what I can do."
With the ballast pumps working, Seaview's plunge slows, and
the ship levels off barely a hundred feet above crush depth.
Unfortunately, when they open the crash screens, they see
that Krueger's phantom U-boat is still hovering close by in
the murky water. Crane, Morton and Kirk stare out the
Observation Nose window at the mysterious apparition. Kirk
is so excited at seeing the battered World War I hulk, he
starts singing "Over There".
CRANE (still gazing at the phantom and shaking his
head): "Why can't this guy just leave me alone?"
MORTON (watching Crane closely): "I hope you're not
feeling an urge to sock me in the jaw again."
CRANE: "For the thousandth time, Chip, that wasn't my
right cross, it was Krueger's."
MORTON: "I know that, Lee. You are still Lee, aren't
you?"
KIRK (trying to be helpful): "Queen to Queen's Level
3, gentlemen."
Crane and Morton exchange what-on-earth-is-he-talking-about
glances.
KIRK: "That's a code my crew and I worked out for just
these kinds of situations. You know how confusing
all this Katra-sharing can be."
Crane asks Chip with his eyes to remove the visiting Skipper
from the Control Room.
MORTON: "Say, uh, Captain Kirk, have you seen our
Circuitry Room yet? Lotta wires in there. With
Krueger in the neighborhood, I can almost
guarantee one of the panels'll fall over. Prob'ly
on some unsuspecting, non-essential crewman who
never says anything anyway."
KIRK: "Sounds like one of my Security people. Their non-
essential molecules are constantly being
transported into oblivion."
MORTON: "Uh-huh. Sure. So what about it, Captain? Wanna
take a look-see?"
KIRK: "I dunno, Mr. Morton. I'd like to go see the
place, but then again, I wouldn't want to miss any
fireworks up here."
MORTON: "Believe me, Captain, if you enjoy pyrotechnics,
you'll love the Circuitry Room. And don't worry
about missing anything. We'll be back in plenty
of time to see Admiral Nelson come gunning for
Lee."
With that, they leave the Control Room. Lee Crane swallows
half a bottle of aspirin, and wishes in vain for a bullet-
proof flight jacket.
Meanwhile, back in the Lab . . .
Now that the ship has leveled off, Nelson and Spock take
time out for a chess game.
SPOCK: "I believe I'll have your King in two moves,
Admiral."
NELSON: "Oh really?" (Irish eyes smiling, he makes an
impossible-to-have-anticipated move with his
rook.) "Check, Mr. Spock."
SPOCK: "My compliments, Admiral."
Before Nelson can respond, the ubiquitous and menacing
Captain Krueger appears in the Lab. (He materialized first
in Nelson's cabin, but no one was home, so he had to pop in
elsewhere.)
NELSON: "Oh dear God, not again."
KRUEGER: "Yes, Aht-me-ral, I haf returnt. Unt I haf come
back for Crane. (You know us Chermans. Vee don't
gif up eeezy.) Anyvay, Lani unt I hat a lonk
talk. She sess, eef I don't make you shoot heem,
I can haf heem. Okee-dokee?"
SPOCK: "Fascinating."
KRUEGER (noticing Spock for the first time): "Unt vhat
haf vee here? A Fulcan, eh? You and zose ears
vouldn't haf lastet too lonk durink za Turd Reich,
Meester!"
SPOCK (cocking his brow): "Nor would you and yours have
flourished during the Fifth Millennium of the
Vulcan Tai-Chi and Backgammon Rebellion."
KRUEGER (seething): "Oh ja! Vell let me tell you
somesink--"
NELSON (shooting daggers at Krueger): "Gentlemen,
please!" (Sighing impatiently): "Mr. Spock, may
I present the ghost of Captain Gerhardt Krueger,
formerly in the service of the Weimar Republic?"
(Spock nods and Nelson continues): "And Captain
Krueger, this is my guest from the future,
Commander Spock, currently in the service of the
United Federation of Planets."
KRUEGER (bowing his head in a courtly manner): "I yam
honort. Now, back to za matta at hant."
NELSON: "For heaven's sake, Krueger! Give it up! Crane's
body is busy! And for your FYI, Captain, Lee
doesn't smoke! The poor fellow's been coughing up
phlegm ever since your little escapade in that
Night Club on the Island of Misfit Toys."
KRUEGER: "Zat ees too darn bat, Aht-me-ral. Now get heem
up here!"
NELSON: "Why you dirty, stinking--"
SPOCK: "Admiral." (Stepping in between Nelson and
Krueger): "If I may?"
NELSON (utterly frustrated): "Have at it, Mr. Spock."
SPOCK: "Captain Krueger, your obsession with the body of
Lee Crane is most illogical. Indeed, your entire
metaphysical philosophy regarding existence, i.e.,
your relentless pursuit of corporeal, physical
reality, rather than spiritual, ethereal reality,
which is in reality, real reality, seems to me to
be--"
KRUEGER (blinking rapidly): "I don't know vhat za HECK
you are talkink about. Unt I don't care! I vant
Crane's bottie, unt I vant it NOW!"
The Seaview shudders, ruining a perfectly good chess game,
not to mention all sorts of neat specimens lying around the
Lab. Once again, the titanium giant heads at an angle for
the bottom of the sea!
In the Control Room, the Seaview begins to rock and roll.
First left, then right. Most crewmen go with the flow, but
there are the uncoordinated few who stumble starboard when
they should be plunging port. After endless seconds, the
rocking ceases. So does the deadly dive. The Seaview holds
trim at 50 feet above crush depth. As Crane lifts himself
from the hard deck, he makes a mental note: Have crew
practice falling in concert again. Stu Riley to choreograph
moves.
CRANE (giving a helping hand to a dazed JTK--who's just
come back from his excursion to the Circuitry
Room): "Sorry about that, Captain."
KIRK (rubbing the back of his head): "Man! I thought
we got tossed around on the Enterprise! You guys
do that all the time?"
CRANE: "Believe me, when we signed our contracts, we had
no idea what we were in for. Your head all
right?"
KIRK (checking for blood, feels only a large and
painful lump): "Yeah. I'll live. But Lee, you
gotta get yourself a chair, Buddy! Let the
flunkies go flying, not you. That's how I do it
on my ship."
CRANE: "That's a thought."
KOWALSKI (over intercom): "Skipper, this is Kowalski in
Engineering."
CRANE (picks up mike): "What is it, Kowalski?"
KOWALSKI: "Sir, you're not gonna believe this, but I just
saw the Lobster Man in Corridor B."
CRANE: "What! How can that be?"
KOWALSKI: "Search me, Skipper. Do you want me to go after
him?"
CRANE (sighing): "I guess so. How did we get rid of
him the last time?"
KOWALSKI: "Gee, Skipper, I don't remember. That was a
couple of seasons ago. Why don't we just boil him
and be done with it?"
CRANE: "Good thinking, Ski. But I want you to stay in
Engineering. Let Cooky and the Kitchen Police
handle it. Get them on the Lobster's tail, on the
double."
KOWALSKI: "Aye-aye."
CRANE: "And Kowalski?"
KOWALSKI: "Yes, Skipper?"
CRANE: "Tell Cooky, extra butter for me."
KOWALSKI: "Yes, sir!"
Admiral Nelson comes down the spiral stairs into the
Observation Nose.
NELSON: "Lee, what's our status?"
CRANE: "No further damage, Admiral. But I can't account
for what just happened."
NELSON: "Mm. Well I can. Krueger came to see me in the
Lab."
CRANE (breaking into a sweat and backing gingerly away
from Nelson): "Uh . . . Admiral . . . You haven't
been at your safe in the last few minutes, have
you?"
NELSON: "Relax, Lee. You're in no danger--for the time
being. Mr. Spock took Krueger by surprise and
incapacitated him. Used something called the
Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Krueger went out like a
light."
KIRK (proudly): "That's my boy."
CRANE: "But Krueger's a ghost. He has no nervous system.
How could--"
NELSON (impatiently): "Look, I don't know how it worked.
Just be glad it did. Now here's what Spock and I
intend doing with Krueger."
PATTERSON (over intercom): "Skipper, this is Patterson in
the Reactor Room."
CRANE: "Now what?" (Picking up mike): "Go ahead,
Patterson."
PATTERSON:"Sir, either I'm losing my mind or . . ."
CRANE (waiting and waiting): "Or what, Patterson?"
PATTERSON:"Or I just saw one of those icky Menfish
passing by the Reactor Room window."
CRANE (closing his eyes and slumping in posture):
"You're not losing your mind, Pat. I'm sure you
saw what you thought you saw."
PATTERSON:"But, sir, how--"
CRANE: "I don't know, Patterson. But I do know this.
We're in trouble. We need every man on this ship,
on the ball and ready for action."
PATTERSON:"Aye, sir. Shall I form a search party and hunt
that thing down, Skipper?"
CRANE: "Yes. But don't kill it. Sedate it, put a hook
in its mouth, and use it as bait to catch the
Lobster Man."
PATTERSON:"Is he back, too, sir?"
CRANE: "Get going, Patterson."
PATTERSON:"Yes, sir."
NELSON: "What's all this about the Lobster Man and
Menfish?"
CRANE: "Darned if I know, Admiral."
KIRK: "Admiral Nelson, where's Mr. Spock now?"
NELSON: "He's in the Lab with Captain Krueger. He's mind-
melding with him as we speak, trying to--"
(Gesturing with his hands, he sees his right is a
tad more hirsute than his left. Neither Crane nor
Kirk notices.)
CRANE: "Something wrong, Admiral?"
NELSON (putting his paw in his pocket): "What? Uh . . .
No. I just remembered something very important I
have to do."
CRANE: "What?"
NELSON: "Go to my quarters and take a nap."
CRANE: "What! Now! In the middle of this crisis! You
can't!"
NELSON (glaring wild-eyed): "Listen, Mister, when they
get around to pinning five stars on your collar--"
(he pokes the collar for emphasis) "--you can tell
me what to do! Until then, keep your suggestions
to yourself!"
CRANE (reeling from the unreasonable admonishment):
"Admiral, what's gotten into you?"
NELSON: "I don't want to be disturbed for any reason. Is
that clear?"
CRANE (clearly annoyed): "Yessir. Perfectly."
Harriman Nelson gives Crane and Kirk one last dirty look
each, then leaves the way he came, via the spiral stairs.
KIRK: "Geeze! What bug crawled up his a--"
SPOCK (over intercom): "This is Mr. Spock calling the
Control Room. Is Admiral Nelson there?"
CRANE (mike in hand): "No, Mr. Spock. He's gone to his
cabin and can't be disturbed."
SPOCK: "Hmm. That is most unfortunate. For I need--"
Sounds of a struggle ensue. Then silence until . . .
KRUEGER (over intercom): "Captain Crane? Gerhardt
Krueger here."
CRANE: "Yikes! I thought you were out like a light."
KRUEGER: "Ja, I vas. But now, I yam on again.
Permanently. Unt if I vere you, Crane, I'd start
packink."
KIRK (taking the mike from a pale Crane): "What have
you done with my First Officer, Krueger!"
KRUEGER: "Ahhhh! Captain Kirk! I lernt all about you
durink my mind-melt vit Spook."
KIRK: "If you've killed him, I'll--"
KRUEGER: "You'll vhat! From vhat I gahzert, you are pretty
much a bik sissy. A disgrrrace to your Cherman
ancestors. My descendant, Dr. Crater, shoot haf
finished you off ven he hat za chance."
KIRK: "Ah-HAH! So the man who hung out with that mop-
headed, salt-sucking, shape-changing, alien
monster was your grandkid, huh?"
KRUEGER: "Zat's right!"
KIRK: "Well that figures! The guy was a total weirdo!
Fruity as a nut-cake! We shoulda dropped a net
over him! And ya know what else, Krueger? He
couldn't speak the King's English, either!"
KRUEGER: "You are taykink a bik rrrisk, Captain! I
sookjest--"
KIRK: "Listen here, Krueger. Risk . . . risk is our
business!"
KRUEGER: "You don't know za meanink of za vert!"
KIRK: "I know it better than you, Krueger. You're
nothing but a would-be tyrant, a half-baked demi-
god, a small boy with a big boat. You're a man
without a body, Krueger; a head without a heart; a
toe without a nail. Therefore, it is you, Captain
Krueger, you, who are a disgrace to your
ancestors. In my eyes, Captain, you are nothing
more than a minuscule wart on the butt of
humanity!"
KRUEGER: "You open zat bik mouse of yours vun more time,
Kirk, unt I am go-ink to sent za Enterprise for a
flyink leap into za next galaxy!"
KIRK (putting down the microphone, remarks): "Charming
fellow, isn't he?"
CRANE: "You don't have to remind me!"
KIRK: "Well, if talking doesn't work, we'll have to try
the direct approach. I'm going down there to find
out what happened to Spock."
CRANE (checking his gun): "I'm coming with you!"
MORTON (looking worried): "Lee, are you sure that's a
good idea?"
CRANE: "Probably not, but at this point I don't think
we've got much to lose! Hold the fort up here,
will you?"
The two Captains run up the spiral staircase. Crane pauses
a moment to listen to the strange snarling and smashing
noises coming from Admiral Nelson's cabin, then shakes his
head and hurries to catch up with Kirk, who has run into
trouble with of patch a vicious jungle vegetation a little
farther along the corridor.
KIRK (unwinding a creeper from his neck): "Do you have
this much trouble all the time?"
CRANE: "Not all at once, no. I'll go back for a
machete!"
KIRK (pulling out his phaser and blasting the jungle to
nothingness): "Don't bother, it's under control."
CRANE: "The last time we had this much trouble was when
the neutron bomb started leaking hallucinogens,
and I don't think it was quite this crazy even
then. At least one of the hallucinations was that
most of the crew disappeared, so it wasn't too
crowded."
In the Laboratory, there is no sign of Krueger's phantom
form, but broken glass and chess-pieces lay everywhere, and
something huge, throbbing and shapeless is growing in the
big specimen tank. They find Spock huddled in a corner,
clutching his head and rocking to and fro.
KIRK (going quickly over to kneel down beside him):
"Spock? What happened? Where's that German
spook?"
SPOCK (still rocking, but opening one eye): "Jim?"
KIRK (worried): "I'm here, Spock. What's the
trouble?"
SPOCK: "He's here, Jim--inside my head. I can control
him, but only barely."
KIRK: "Hold on, my friend. We'll find a way to get rid
of him."
Just then, the Thing in the tank reaches a size which makes
the glass smash into a million pieces. It comes bulging and
oozing into the room. In the confusion, Spock loses his
concentration for a moment and his body springs to its feet,
sending Kirk flying.
KRUEGER (speaking out of Spock's mouth, and contorting his
face horribly in the process): "Unt now, Crane, I
vill haf you!"
CRANE (backing away, crunching broken glass): "Why?
What's wrong with the body you're wearing now?"
KRUEGER: "It iss already occupite, and za Fulcan vill not
stop strugglink! It gifs me a headache."
CRANE (pulling out his gun): "I'll give you a lot more
than a headache in a moment!"
KIRK (picking himself up): "No, Lee! Don't shoot
him!"
CRANE (treading in the ooze from the Thing, and falling
over): "You got a better idea?"
KIRK: "You betcha!" (He grabs his phaser and sets it to
stun.)
A moment later, Spock's body crumples as the phaser-beam
hits him in the chest. He falls on top of Crane and the
Thing--which lets out a screech of pain and anger. The few
remaining bits of intact glass in the room shatter at the
sound.
KIRK (kneeling beside Spock's body and whipping out his
communicator): "Kirk to Enterprise!"
UHURA (via the communicator): "Enterprise here,
Captain. How may we be of assistance?"
CRANE (goggle-eyed): "You have a GIRL in your radio
shack?!"
KIRK: "Sure we do. Come to think of it, you don't have
many female crew members around here, do you? I
knew there was something missing!"
CRANE: "We don't have any. The Admiral tried bringing
his secretary along once, but that didn't work
out."
KIRK: "Too bad. Uhura, I need Bones down here right
away!"
UHURA: "Certainly, Captain."
While they wait, Spock's body twitches, and Krueger stands
up, leaving it lying there like a discarded suit.
KRUEGER (looking around at the chaos, and catching sight
of the shapeless monster now taking up half the
laboratory): "I'm out of here! But I vill be
back, Crane, ven you haf sinks more under
control."
The Phantom wavers out of existence just as Bones McCoy
materializes in the transporter beam a couple of feet away.
McCOY (testily): "Jim, I'm a doctor, not a janitor!
What is this mess?"
Spock stirs and sits up.
SPOCK (groggily): "Thank you, Captain. I believe he is
gone now."
McCOY: "Well you're all right, obviously. So what am I
doing here?"
KIRK: "Sorry, Bones. A minute ago things looked a lot
worse."
CRANE (struggling up): "You're a doctor? Would you
mind having a look at Admiral Nelson?"
KIRK: "I thought he didn't want to be disturbed."
CRANE: "That was a quarter of an hour ago, and he hardly
ever snaps like that unless there's something
wrong with him. If he hasn't calmed down by now
he must be really sick."
McCOY: "All right, I'll see what I can do."
As Crane leads Kirk, Spock and McCoy to the Admiral's cabin,
he is hailed by Chief Sharkey in the Missile Room.
CRANE: "One minute, gentlemen." (Picking up the nearest
bulkhead intercom): "What is it, Chief?"
SHARKEY: "Well, sir--"
CRANE: "Wait. Don't tell me. You found some Fossil Men
in the torpedo tubes, right? Or maybe Vincent
Price just came in through the escape hatch."
SHARKEY: "Uh, no, sir. It's that crazy Russian kid from
the spaceship."
The men from the Enterprise exchange worried glances.
CRANE: "What about him?"
SHARKEY: "Skipper, I don't know about you, but I don't like
the idea of this . . . this Russkie havin' free
run of the ship. He's been askin' a lotta
questions about classified stuff, and he keeps
runnin' off at the mouth about how great Mother
Russia is. As a matter of fact, Skipper, this
clown just told Ron, Phil, and some of the other
NEPS" [[non-essential personnel]] "that the
Beatles weren't from Liverpool. He said they were
from Leningrad! Now you know me, Skipper, I'm
strictly a Perry Como man myself, but when this
guy calls John Lennon a Commie--well that's goin'
too far! Do I have your permission to belt this
weasel, sir?"
CRANE: "Negative, Chief. Just reassure the men that all
the Beatles were indeed English capitalists. I
believe Paul McCartney still owns half the Western
world."
SHARKEY: "That's what I thought, Skipper, but the kid says
he knows more than we do, on account-a he's from
the future and everything."
KIRK: "Lee, would you ask the Chief to put Chekov on the
line please?"
CRANE: "Chief? Put the Russian kid on the phone. His
Captain wants to speak to him."
SHARKEY: "Aye, sir." (Raising his voice across the Missile
Room): "Hey! Check-off! Get over here on the
double! Your boss wants ya."
Three seconds later . . .
CHEKOV: "Yes, Keptin?"
KIRK: "Ensign Chekov, I want you to do two things.
First, keep your big Russian trap shut! And
second, follow Chief Sharkey's orders to the
letter. Is that understood?"
CHEKOV: "But Keptin--"
KIRK: "Understood, Ensign?"
CHEKOV (dejected): "Yes, sair."
KIRK: "Chief, I don't think you'll have anymore trouble
with Chekov. But if he gets on your nerves, feel
free to clobber him."
SHARKEY: "Okay, Captain Kirk. Thanks!"
CRANE (taking the mike from Kirk): "Chief?"
SHARKEY: "Sir?"
CRANE: "Pass the word along to the rest of the crew to be
on the lookout for the Lobster Man and one of
those Menfish from our second season. We may have
other visitors aboard as well. So issue side-
arms, and tell the men to stay alert!"
SHARKEY: "Aye-aye, Skipper. Sharkey, out."
As Crane and the others turn left down Corridor D, the
commanding voice of Commander Morton blares out of the
ship's speakers:
MORTON: "Brace for collision! Brace for collis--"
The Seaview is battered by yet another phenomenon from the
past. When Crane finally gets to the Control Room, he sees
the smiling face of Moby Dick winking at him through the
Observation Nose.
CRANE: "Why did I ever join the Navy?"
MORTON: "What, Lee?"
CRANE: "Nothing. Damage report, Chip."
MORTON: "We're dead in the water, ten feet above crush
depth. Luckily, we rammed right into that big
rock again--you know, the one that keeps showing up
everywhere we go. Anyway, it stopped our nose
dive, and diverted us onto the edge of a ledge.
But I don't know how long we'll stay put. Our
stern's hanging over."
CRANE (frowning): "Anything else?"
MORTON: "Yes. For one thing, Mr. Scott had to take the
reactor off-line to avoid a melt-down. Also,
something's blocking communications. We're cut
off from the rest of the world."
Kirk tests his communicator. It's busted all right.
CRANE: "Any more bad news?"
MORTON: "'Fraid so. We're getting strange reports coming
in from all over the ship. Somehow, Carroll
O'Connor got on board. He's locked himself and
three crew-men in the Crew's Mess, and he's
forcing them, at flute-point, to sing 'The
Minstrel Boy'."
CRANE (rubbing his throbbing temples): "Is that all?"
MORTON: "No, sir. We have severe flooding in frames 34
through 39, and 41 through 43. We lose one more
bulkhead, Lee, and we'll never see home again."
CRANE: "Any casualties?"
McCOY: "Yes! My lunch! As in--about to heave it!"
KIRK: "Can it, Bones."
MORTON (looking annoyed at the interruption): "Doc
reports two men in critical condition, Lee."
KIRK: "You heard him, Doctor. Now go find your way to
Sick Bay and make yourself useful."
McCOY: "What about the Admiral?"
SPOCK: "I shall tend to Admiral Nelson."
CRANE: "I don't know, Mr. Spock. Have you ever had a
rabies shot?"
SPOCK (placing his hands behind his back): "Unnecessary
in my case, Captain, as Vulcans are immune to
hydrophobia, distemper, kennel cough, and hip
displaysia."
CRANE: "Really?"
SPOCK: "Yes, however, as a hybrid, I am highly
susceptible to mumps, measles, chicken pox, swamp
fever, jungle rot, hookworm, strep throat, scarlet
fever, bubonic plague, hypothyroidism, and, once
every seven years, kissing disease."
McCOY (lips pursed): "Did you have to give him the
whole encyclopedia, Spock?"
SPOCK: "He asked, Doctor."
CRANE (reaching into his pocket): "Here's the key to
the Admiral's cabin. Be careful, Mr. Spock."
SPOCK: "That is always my intention, Captain."
Spock and McCoy leave the Control Room together--arguing.
MORTON (wishing he was in his favorite bar in Santa
Barbara right about now): "It's looks like we're
done for, Lee. I don't see any way out."
KIRK: "There's always a way out. Have you tried the
Kobayashi Maru maneuver yet?"
CRANE (ignoring Kirk and thinking of a plan at the same
time): "The Flying Sub!"
MORTON: "Lee, we can't launch. We're on the bottom."
CRANE: "That never stopped us before. Prepare FS-1 for
immediate launch, Chip. I'm taking her out."
KIRK: "Oh goody! Can I come?"
CRANE: "Yes, Captain. You can be my co-pilot."
KIRK (folding his arms and stomping his foot): "Forget
it! If I ain't the pilot, I ain't comin'!"
CRANE (leveling his service pistol at Kirk's mid-
section): "What'd you say?"
KIRK (raising his hands in submission): "Lee . . . Pal
. . . Put away the popgun, huh? I was only
kiddin'."
CRANE (pointing to the Flying Sub hatch with his
weapon): "Start marching!"
KIRK (frowning as he makes his way over): "Boy. You
guys from the past have no sense of humor."
Buckled into their seats, Crane and Kirk prepare to leave
the Seaview and head for the surface. From there, Crane
will take the Flying Sub to the upper reaches of the
atmosphere, to an altitude of some 100,000 feet--the
beginning of space (the final frontier)--and attempt to
signal the orbiting, albeit crippled Enterprise for help.
However, without a heat shield, the FS-1 will burn up on its
descent back to the ocean. So, unless the Enterprise heeds
the message and beams the two men out of there in time,
their characters will be instantly incinerated, fried to a
crisp, and forever forgotten by even their most fanatic
fans.
KIRK (looking around in awe): "This is really neato!
It's a whole lot better than our clunky
shuttlecraft."
CRANE: "Glad you like it! If you're good, maybe I'll let
you take the wheel for a minute."
KIRK: "You mean it?"
CRANE: "Sure!"
But as Crane flips the first switch, sparks shoot out from
the panel and burn his finger. After that, the whole place
breaks out in flames. The two Captains barely escape with
their lives. Kirk flies up the stairs first, with Crane
fast on his heels. A fire-detail runs over with gas masks
and extinguishers to deal with the mess.
CRANE (coughing): "What the heck do we even have this
thing for! It's always on the fritz!"
KRUEGER: "Vatch eet, Crane."
KIRK (turning around and waving the last of the smoke
away): "Uh-oh."
KRUEGER (motioning with his WWI pistol): "Moof avay from
heem, Kirk."
KIRK (standing his ground): "No. Lee and I are in
this together."
KRUEGER: "Okay. Zen I shoot za bose of you."
Kirk reconsiders, catapults himself over the heads of Crane
and Krueger, ducks down on the far side of the Plot Table,
closes his eyes, grabs his tail, and repeats to himself over
and over: "I DO believe in spooks, I DO, I DO, I DO!" When
that doesn't help, he starts praying to Vaal. The entire
Control Room Watch stares in silence at the impossible
situation unfolding before their eyes.
KRUEGER (now that he has everyone's attention): "Zat's
betta. Now, Captain Crane, I haf come to make viz
you a barkin. Your life, for za lifes of your
crew, unt your prrrecious unterzeeboot. Unt, I'll
even fix za Enterprise unt sent her on her vay
home to za future. Vhat do you say, hm? Sounts
goot to me."
CRANE: "Do I have your word that you'll let the
Enterprise and the Seaview go?"
KRUEGER (bowing): "You haf my vert as an officer unt a
gentleman."
KIRK (from behind the table): "Hah! Big woo!"
KRUEGER (looking left): "Shut up, Mister schmarty-pants,
or I vill tell your Muzza about all zose durty
alien pin-ups you keep hitten in your chim
locker!"
KIRK (sinking even lower and whispering): "Darn those
mind-melds."
KRUEGER (once again focused on Crane): "I assure you,
Captain, all vill be as eet vas before za
Enterprise arriv't. Ekzept for you. You unt I
are headink for za Bahamas, Kit!"
CRANE (nodding in defeat): "All right, Krueger, I'm
coming with you. Can I just say good-bye to my
crew first?"
KRUEGER: "Make eet fast, Crane. My U-boat ees double-
parkt."
CRANE (extending his hand to Chip Morton): "Bye, Chip.
I'm proud to have served with you. You're a fine
officer, and you've been an even finer friend.
Too bad they didn't put more of that into the
scripts, huh?"
MORTON: "Lee! You're not going!"
CRANE (smiling weakly): "Say good-bye to the men for
me, and the Admiral, and . . ." (swallowing a
lump): ". . . take care of my ship."
KIRK (poking his head up): "Hey! That's my line!"
KRUEGER (turning furiously): "All right, ZAT'S IT!
(Taking dead aim at Kirk): "I am go-ink to off
zis pain een za neck vunce unt for all!"
CRANE (putting his hand over the muzzle of the gun):
"You gave me your word, Captain Krueger."
KRUEGER (regaining control of himself and nodding): "Unt
I shall keep it. Now let's go. Lani gets mat eef
I am late for dinna."
Crane takes a fateful step toward Krueger.
NELSON (from the spiral stairs, in a perfectly calm tone
of voice): "Hold it right there, Lee--"
All eyes turn to see the Admiral, who is holding a strange
looking device in his hands.
NELSON: "--you're not going anywhere. But Krueger is."
KRUEGER: "Vat iss dat sink? I varn you, Aht-me-ral . . ."
Nelson points the device at him and turns a knob. A high-
pitched whine comes out of the fire-extinguisher nozzle on
the top, and Krueger freezes in the act of reaching for
Crane. The sound gets louder, and everyone covers his ears.
After a few seconds, Krueger vanishes with a 'TWANGGG'. A
couple of panels explode at the other side of the Control
Room, and Nelson hastily drops the device as it starts to
give off smoke and sparks.
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Copyright 1997 Rachel Howe and Alison Passarelli