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CABIN FEVER
Sam has been a wildlife biologist studying shrew behavior for 25 years and is finally ready to sit down and write his doctoral dissertation. He finds the perfect writing spot, 50 acres of land in the Tennessee Mountains as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Bo... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Bo is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the wildlife business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Bo stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Bo turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"
Bo stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us"
HOLMES AND WATSON
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see!"
Watson said: "I see millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of Galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "That somebody stole our tent."
TEN WAYS TO TELL YOU'VE PICKED THE WRONG CAMPGROUND.
10. The couple camping next to you arrived in a "low-rider" car and the back seat and truck contains the speaker system.
9. There is bear scat at the campsite.
8. Upon arrival at the campground you see a sign that says, "Welcome Hell's Angels."
7. The Park Rangers are dressed in black uniforms and carry M-16's with banana clips.
6. The outhouses don't have doors.
5. You keep finding syringes on the ground.
4. At the lake there is a sign warning you not to swim or eat any of the fish you catch.
3. When locals talk of "Bigfoot" they're not talking about the truck.
2. The guy camped on the other side of you looks a bit like Ted Kazynski.
1. When you turn on the water spigot a gurgling noise can be heard coming from the outhouse.
TREE'D
Once a bear chased me up a tree. He finally left, but I decided I better stay up there a while and make sure he was really gone. It's a good thing I waited, because in a few minutes he came back with an even bigger bear. The bigger bear still couldn't reach me, and they went away. But I waited a while to make sure they were gone. In a few minutes they came back, and I knew I was really in trouble. Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.
BEAR COUNTRY
A young man is going on a hiking vacation through the mountains out West. Before setting off into high country, he goes into a small general store to get some supplies.
After picking out the rest of his provisions, he asks the old store owner, "Say, Mister, I'm going hiking up in the mountains, and I was wondering; do you have any bears around here?"
"Yup," replies the owner.
"What kind?" asks the hiker.
"Well, we got black bears and we got grizzlies," he replies.
"I see," says the hiker. "Do you have any of those bear bells?"
"What do you mean?" asks the store owner.
"You know," replies the hiker, "those little tinkle-bells that people wear in bear country to warn the bears that they are coming, so they don't surprise the bears and get attacked."
"Oh yeah," replies the owner. "They're over there," he says, pointing to a shelf on the other side of the store. The hiker selects a couple of the bells and takes them to the counter to pay for them.
"Tell me something, Mister," the hiker inquires, "how can you tell when you're in bear territory, anyway?"
"By the scat," the old fellow replies, ringing up the hiker's purchases.
"Well, um, how can I tell if it's grizzly territory or black bear territory?" the hiker asks.
"By the scat," the storeowner replies.
"Well, what's the difference?" asks the hiker. "I mean, what's different between grizzly scat and black bear scat?"
"The stuff that's in it," replies the store owner.
Getting a little frustrated, the hiker asks, "OK, so what's in grizzly bear scat that isn't in black bear scat?" he asks, an impatient tone in his voice.
"Bear bells," replies the old man as he hands the hiker his purchases.
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