Seinfeld Funnies

Seinfeld Memorabilia
by Paul Preston
PrestonP@USFilter.com

* Puffy, Pirate Shirt: small; medium, large
* Levis: Available only in "31-inch" waist
* Commando-400 Shower Nozzel
* Today's Sponge -- per case
* "The Beach" cologne
* Slightly used wedding invitations (do not lick)
* Chinese miracle hair-growing cream
* Sofa (cushion urine-stained)
* Pen -- may or may not write upside down
* Soup Recipes (of German origin)
* Gourmet Bottled water (blue bottles)
* Toothbrush (contaminated with toilet water)
* Library book (with $34,000 in fines due)
* Dodgers' memorabilia
* Muffin "Stumps"
* Raincoats (circa 1940)
* The "Bro," with Velcro fastener
* Lobster Traps
* Cowboy Boots (worn once)
* Car once owned by John Voight (periodontist)
* Urine for testing (post-menopausal)
* Drake's Coffee Cakes ("Big Boy" size)
* Portable Massage Table, massage not included
* Toupee (recovered from street)
* Boxes of every known brand of dry cereal
* Mackinaw peaches (available 2-weeks/year)
* Video Tape "Rochell, Rochell" (not rewound)
* TV Guides, mint condition
* Pencil (with prominent teeth marks)
* Leather Jacket (shrunken, with pink lining)
* Golf Balls, have fishy smell
* Briefcase (includes tape recorder)
* Personalized license plate (ideal for proctologist)
* 10-speed bike, green, never used
* $10 checks drawn on Chemical Bank (non-negotiable)
* Late model Cadillac, numerous owners, driven once to "Early Bird Special"
* X-mas cards (X-rated)
* Box of raisins, half-eaten
* Case of bar-b-que sauce
* Poster of Three Tenors (stained with wine)
* Cloth napkins, faint mutton smell
* Book with folding legs
* Suit, 42-short (makes rubbing noises)
* Junior Mints (very refreshing)
* Menus - Monk's Restaurant
* Marble Rye Bread (contains fishhook)
* Wooden Cigar Store Indian (this item cannot be "given" back)
* White Cashmere Sweater (red dot practically invisible)

Go here to buy real Seinfeld Stuff!!!

While I was in Orlando this summer ('98), I had passed this car/fix-it place. I pulled over laughing my "tush" off. Lucky I had my camara with me to take the picture. Hehe...

Here's a bit of information you may be surprised about. (9/15/52) "Lucy in the Candy Factory" To prove a point to their spouses, Lucy (Lucille Ball, right) and Ethel (Vivian Vance) get jobs at Kramer's Kandy Kitchen. After failing at a number of tasks around the plant, the gals get one last chance in the wrapping department. Their mission: Make sure every bonbon that comes down the conveyor belt gets a paper cup. Miss even one and they're fired. "This is easy," says Lucy. Famous last words. And classic slapstick -- the chaotic, crowning moment of I Love Lucy. Suddenly the conveyor belt speeds up and the chocolates are bunched closer together. Unable to keep up, Lucy and Ethel begin frantically gobbling candies, shoveling them into their chef hats, and scooping them into their blouses. The supervisor returns. Seeing everything perfectly wrapped, and oblivious to Lucy and Ethel's panic, she says, "Well, you're doing splendidly." And then, to the conveyor operator, "Speed it up a little!"

Here's a picture of the real Kramer. It's not meant to be a joke or anything, but I can't find another place to put it at the moment. He has a really cool web page that you can go to: Kenny Kramer's Home Page.

"George"
by Paul Preston
PrestonP@USFilter.com

I identify with George because he lives in two opposite worlds: The real world, and the world of his fantasies. I think we all do that. George knows the real world very well, and he sees its absurdities, cruelties, and nonsense. He knows, to some degree, how to survive by those standards. For example, when George (at the insistence of his then-animal rights girl friend) takes an injured squirrel to the vet's, the vet tells George that the squirrel would be "better off at home." The authoritarian world of "vets" invents the notion that squirrels have homes, to placate nervous pet squirrel owners. But George is a realist, and he knows only too well that squirrels don't have homes. George says to the vet: "He doesn't have a home. He's a squirrel." Yet, in his emotional life, in George's wildly, impossibly romantic dreams, anything is possible. He is constantly chasing his hopes, and he is constantly renewed, in his search for happiness and true bliss. My favorite story is his true love for Marisa Tomei. For George, she is a vision of pure loveliness, like a fairy tale come true. She is perfection, walking into his living room to profess her perfect love and adoration for him. George can accept this as absolutely believable and unquestioningly real. This is more real than anything in the world. Yet, George knows that squirrels don't have homes.

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