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Animal Jokes |
THE HORSE'S CHICKRec'd via email from Fanerd
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to find the farmer, but the farmer can't be found. So the chicken drives the farmer's BMW 328 back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to the horse and drives forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and this time the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So the horse stretches over the width of the mud hole and says, "Grab my thingy and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.
Moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
THE ROOSTERRec'd via email from Fanerd
The farmer has about 200 hens but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I have this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got - no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he's worth it. The farmer takes Randy home, sets him down in the barnyard and begins to give the rooster a pep talk. "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points to the henhouse and Randy took off like a shot.
~~ WHAM! ~~
He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the henhouse and sees a flock of geese down by the lake.
~~ WHAM! ~~
He gets all the geese.
Up in the pig pen. Then he's in with the cows. Randy is jumping every animal the farmer owns!
The farmer is distraught and worried that this expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy stiff as a board. Stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer...."
THE DOBERMANRec'd via email from Fanerd
A guy goes into a bar for a drink and orders a triple scotch. He gulps it straight down and asks the bartender, "Who owns that huge Doberman chained to the tree in the parking lot?"
The bartender tells him to be careful when he leaves because the dog is a trained attack dog he keeps for protection. Warns that the dog is extremely fierce and vicious.
The guy replies that his dog just killed the Doberman.
At this the bartender goes ballistic! He asks, "What the hell kind of dog do you have that could kill my attack doberman?"
The answer came ... "It was a chihuahua."
The bartender freaks out!!! "You mean a little chihuahua killed my doberman??? How the HELL did he do that?"
The guy answers, "He choked him to death ... my chihuahua got stuck in his throat."
SHEEP
A guy decides that he's going to raise sheep so he buys twenty female sheep and tells the seller that he'll be back later when he can afford a male to get them pregnant. The sheep seller tells him that he could service them himself.
"Just do it a couple days in a row and when they start acting funny, then you know it took."
First thing the next day, the guy puts them all in his truck and takes them to the woods (because he's embarassed) and screws them all. Then he takes them back to his farm.
He does this every day for a week. Finally he cannot bring himself to get out of bed and do it again.
He asks his wife to look out the window and see if the sheep are acting funny. She looks and says "They sure are! Those crazy sheep are all in the truck waving and honking the horn!"
Rec'd via email from BigSptsFan
A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there, he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.
He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?" v The cowboy replied, "See them thar' sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."
"That is disgusting and barbaric!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months though, the lawyer couldn't stand it any longer. He decided, however, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these local yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
After he finished, he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent... people dropped drinks... and all the cowboys turned and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites! You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along! I'm just doing it with more class!"
"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with!"
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had
some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager
asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why
is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit
me."
Submitted by Slickerz69
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen
boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."
Submitted by Tash1968
Once upon a time, there were three little ducks who lived by a peaceful pond.
One Day they got into trouble and were sent to Bill, the duck in charge of the pond.
The first one stepped up in front of Bill and looked at the ground.
Bill asked, "What's your name?"
"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill.
"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're
suspended from the pond for one week." Duck waddled away.
The second duck approached Bill.
"What's your name?" Bill asked.
"Why did you get sent to me?" Bill asked.
"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're
suspended from the pond for one week." Duck Duck waddled away.
Now Bill was pretty smart and thought he had discovered a pattern. When the
third little duck waddled up to him, Bill said, "Let me guess. You're
Duck Duck Duck?"
"No," replied the little duck. "I'm Bubbles."
The little duck replied, "Duck."
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck.
The little duck replied, "Duck Duck."
"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,
"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs with us!" The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts
on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk inside.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This
is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Alright, come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures what the heck so he puts on a
pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says,"Sorry pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me
a Chihuahua?"
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.
Submitted by Stephen Feinstein
Once upon a time a quiet, conservative man owned a parrot. Unfortunately for the man, this parrot swore like a sailor. He would swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. This bird's foul mouth was driving the man crazy. One day, it just got to be too much.
The guy grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he started swearing even more.
The guy really got fed up and said, "OK for you" and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This only aggravated the parrot who contined to claw and scratch inside the cabinet while he cursed even louder than before!
At this point the guy became so mad that he threw the parrot in the freezer! For the first few seconds the bird started swearing again at the top of his lungs. He kicked and clawed and thrashed.
Then suddenly the parrot was VERY quiet. At first the guy just waited. Then he started to think that the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbed on the man's out-stretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about all the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.
Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
A local business was looking for office help. They put the following sign in the window:
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Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. |
A short time afterwards a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised (to say the least). However, the dog looked determined, so the manager lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down, went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual!"
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
DEAD DOGS COST MONEY
A woman took her dog to the vet. "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead."
The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345?!!!" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
DOGS ARE MAN'S BEST FRIEND
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "OK T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
Of course, the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other 3 dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe work conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNKISSED
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear! The bear rears up on his hind legs and lets out a terrifying roar. They both froze in their tracks.
The first camper whispers, "I'm sure glad I wore my running shoes today." "It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing, you're not gonna outrun that bear." replies the second.
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you." came the reply.
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