| Drunk Jokes |
Click on Homer!-->
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
Man: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
THE GAMBLER
During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar.
Well, the bartender can't beleive what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."
The bartender thought about it. "OK." So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me!" said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.
Drunk as a skunk, the gambler said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and STILL make you laugh!"
HELP! OFFICER, THEY STOLE MY...
A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's "thing" is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD.. . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"
SOBRIETY TEST
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."
A couple driving by slows down to watch.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
"Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
THE UPDRAFTTwo men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
ALCOHOL WARNINGThe FDA is considering the following warnings on beer and alcohol bottles...
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 in the morning.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. Remember: When you drink, don't drive. If you drive, don't park. Parking causes people.
SMALL WORLD"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring the man was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror. The cops are on his tail! His buddy says, "What are we going to do?"
The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. Then he asks the driver, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics and we're on the Patch!"
|
MORE JOKES...
Men |
Send me your jokes or comments!
|
