THE VIEW FROM HERE.
by Edward D. H. Tash

I've read the 'Dog' now for over a year. In that year I've read about Micro Breweries, homebrew, complaints, braggings, fiction, personal problems, wild ideas, recipes, and Bull-Shit. One topic that hasn't been written about yet is 'BARs'. A few articles have been written about specific bars but the subject I mean is the concept of 'BARs', what makes a good bar and what's so special about them. So here is my humble and unbiased attempt to describe the perfect BAR.

The first thing about the bar is the outside. You need to see a neon sign with your favorite beer on it. If you find such a place park the car the adventure is about to begin. As you walk into the bar, if you have the urge to say 'June, I'm home.' (go ahead and say it), its going to be a good time tonight. (Author's note: I did this once in Chicago and it was a great time.) Be on the look out for ferns as you walk to the bar. If you find one (real or plastic) you have just entered a fern bar. And a fern bar is the lowest kind of bar there is; it is the LITE beer of bars. Don't feel embarrassed about being in a fern bar; most people have done it at least once, only feel embarrassed if you continue to go back to a fern bar.

So you've just walked from the door to the bar (and found no ferns). A swivel bar stool is waiting for you. This is the best kind of stool because it allows you to easily keep a eye on what's going on. You take your seat and see the logo of your favorite brew on the tap. The bartender promptly takes you order. The next thing you see is a full mug is sitting in front of you. The bartender has taken your $20 bill and has left the change on the bar. (Don't worry that a tab has not been started. You have to earn that.)

Question: Do you pick the money up or leave it on the bar?
Answer: Leave the money on the bar, which tells the bartender that you are there to drink and is considered good bar etiquette.

When the bartender took your order, if he told you his name or was wearing a name tag, a fern is hiding somewhere. Now it's time to check out the clientele. The age mix should be between the 18 year old in the corner (with fake ID) to the old fart at the other end of the bar (with a pacemaker). A good bar must attract characters (it attracted you, didn't it?). Take a look a round and find the name of the place. Be sure to do this before you finish the third beer, since it may become difficult to accomplish as the evening progresses. A great bar will have it's name behind the bar on a large mirror. This may come in handy if you plan to drink for a long time. I've heard horror stories told by friends of a great time they had at a BAR but couldn't find the place again or remember it's name. So I advise you to find something with the name of the bar on it and put it in your pocket (like a match book, beer coaster or a mug if you have a big enough pocket).

Look around some more. What's behind the bar?
I like to find bottle after bottle of John Barleycorn (whiskey) in nice neat rows. Also some sports junk is always good to find, -- bowling or softball trophies are a good sign. I feel most comfortable if there is an IU poster but this is hard to find once you've crossed the border.

What's the lighting situation like? I hope you find it's too dark to read by but light enough to see if an attractive (fill in the blank) walks by. (Author's note: It's tough being politically correct.)

Now check out the juke box. This can be a double-edged sword. If it is a Wurlitzer that's great, but Wurlitzers have become status symbols and fern bars now have them. The kind of juke box really isn't important but style is always a good sign. What kind of selections does the juke box have? If the selection looks like the music you listened to in college this is a great sign. Number 111 on my favorite juke box was 'Too Drunk to Fuck' by the Dead Kennedy's. (Author's note: I didn't write this for children or those easily offended.)

What's to eat in this joint anyway? I hope you find plenty of free popcorn made with lots of salt and tabasco sauce. I know this is just the bar's way to make you drink more but that's why you're there in the first place so don't complain.

Have you found anything in this place to start up a little friendly competition yet? Keep looking; with any luck a dart board will be found. The type of darts really isn't important (metal or plastic tip) but unless your aim is real good I hope for your safety and the safety of all others that the tips are plastic. Remember what your mom always said 'You'll poke your eye out'.

What happens if you're with a large group of friends and must sit a table? The tables should be large and round. This will make for easier conversation and give you more choices where to sit. The table should be of a good hard wood (no table cloth). This will make it easier to play quarter bounce should the urge come over you and your companions.

What time did you leave the bar? After your first beer or two steps before the last bartender? And when you left were you humming the theme to 'CHEERS'? Bonus points if either of those happened.

The most important thing to find in a great bar is a good time. If you didn't find one maybe next time you should bring one with you.

If you find a bar with all or most of the things I've named and you had a great time there, then you have found not just a 'BAR' but a temple, a holy place of beer and strong drink. Be sure to pay it the proper respect and drop me an email, I love going to holy places!

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them". - Emo Philips

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View From Here 02 - Drinking Games