THE TUBEWORLD BACK-STORY

"This is who we are."
[from Millennium]

Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! I'm Tele-Tobias, smarter than the average bear and bigger than a bread box! [That's me on the left, Wiseguy!]
   "Well Come" to the Tubeworld Dynamic! Whether you're a first time channel-surfer or a repeat viewer here, I want to welcome you to my little fantasy universe, which I have dubbed "Tubeworld". It's a cable-ready acid trip; a land where all TV shows are connected to each other, - no matter what the genre, - and where anything done on TV actually can happen.
Here we celebrate one of the greatest components of the Television Universe - the Crossover Episode. A cross-over is usually a two-part story that begins on one show and ends on the other. This can sometimes be a logistical nightmare if they are produced by different companies, but it's considered worth it since they prove to be ratings winners during the sweeps weeks.
   What is Tubeworld?
   Tubeworld is basically Earth. Not our Earth, but an Earth set in an alternate universe where everything that happens on Television actually takes place. If we live on Earth Prime, then Tubeworld would be Earth Prime-Time.
For example, - slam that tube of cookie dough against the counter's edge. Lift the cover to the toilet tank. Nothing happened, right? But on Tubeworld, a doughboy would have popped out of the tube. There would be a little man sailing in the tank.
Tubeworld is TV Land (a phrase long in existence before Nick at Nite used it - just check out "The Magnificent Seven" by The Clash.). It is constantly being re-written, edited, embellished, re-played instantly, colorized, and interrupted for special reports. Every time a new show or mini-series, - or even a new commercial! - debuts on the air, "The Powers That Be" fit it into the Master Sked of Tubeworld (complete with a back-story) to link it with the other TV series.
The population of Tubeworld, - and the entire TV Universe, - is made up of more than just the TV characters we see. There were over 400 crew members on board the Enterprise besides the same bridge officers we saw every week. The homicide detectives under Lt. Giardella's watch in the Baltimore police department have often referred to the cops on the other shifts. Uncle Martin O'Hara came from a whole planet full of Martians - all different species of Martians, according to The War Of The Worlds, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and even a few Bugs Bunny cartoons. And think of all those NuYawkers seen in the opening credits of The Odd Couple.
If we just used those characters we see on TV, we wouldn't be able to populate the Eastern Seaboard. But all of those characters have back-stories - they have families, friends, wacky neighbors, and ancestors. You could even make a case to link a character in a show set in contemporary times to a character out of TV history. I see no reason why we wouldn't find Bret Maverick in the family tree for Jim Rockford; especially since they both look so similar. [It's a well-known fact of genetics in Tubeworld that family members often look exactly alike; - Mike Brady looks just like his grandfather Hank Brady on The Brady Bunch. Sure, on our world that's because Robert Reed played both roles. But in Tubeworld, it's all part of the "Evil Twin Factor".]
Fred Murphy visited the web-site and asked:

"Who/what are the doppelgangers of non-watchers like me?"

Since Tubeworld is an alternate version of our own Earth, there would be TV versions of everybody here in the Real World, even if we never did show up on TV; even if ::shudder:: we don't even watch. We've coined the term "tele-version" to describe these characters. [With the widespread use of home videos in comedy shows, and crowd scenes at sports events, and background shots for news broadcasts, more of us ordinary folk are showing up on TV every day!]
Our counterparts on Tubeworld would probably be similar to us here, with only a few minor adjustments due to the influence of TV. There would be a lot more single-parent families with wisecracking kids; we would all have wacky neighbors and off-the-wall co-workers; and we'd suffer from amnesia a lot!
Let's say you're a cop here in the Real World. You'd probably be a cop in Tubeworld as well. But Tubeworld cops have one of the following differences:
1) a distinctive last name 2) a unique vehicle
3) a gimmick 4) a handicap
So take a look at your life and see what influence TV cliches might have on it if you were a TV character. Work in an office? Maybe you'd be stuck in a soul-numbing cubicle like Matt Peyser on Working. Are you adopted and perhaps with unique features; somewhat different from those around you? Maybe your doppelganger's real father was an alien disguised as a human like on Starman!
Or, thanks to America's Funniest Home Videos, maybe you just get hit in the crotch with a rake....
Because so many different forms of entertainment - not to mention reality programming like newscasts, - make up the TV Universe, sometimes we have to make a quantum leap to explain away the contradictions. But if that doesn't work, we'll always take our cue from the Creators of those shows - if it can't be explained, ignore it. [That was the fate of Rhoda's other sister Debbie, who was lost between an episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and the first episode of Rhoda.]

   Here's the Cunningham Family of Milwaukee back in the 1950s. For two years on Happy Days, we would occasionally see oldest son Chuck. But then... he just disappeared. And it wasn't just the convenient excuse that he went off to college - later in the series' run, Howard Cunningham thanked the Good Lord for his "two" fine children, Richie and Joanie.
   The Creators might be willing to ignore his existence, but Tubeworld Central wants such conundrums explained. So here's our theory about Chuck Cunningham's disappearance.....
Joanie killed him.
   Using a claw hammer stolen from her Dad's hardware store, crazy-eyed Joanie killed her older brother in his sleep because his incessant basketball dribbling had driven her mad. She disposed of the body - courtesy of the meat grinder at Arnold's Drive-In; probably giggling maniacally at the irony ("From Chuck to Ground Chuck!"). Then Joanie probably convinced her father that Chuck stole the good silver or was a Commie or something and that he abandoned the family. Torn by this betrayal from his eldest child, Mr. C ignored the existence of Chuck ever after.
   [We also believe that years later, after the break-up of her marriage to Chachi, Joanie joined the tele-version of Charles Manson's family. It's logical - you can see it in her eyes!]
Here are some other potential problems to the integrity of the TV Universe, and how Tubeworld explains them away:
COMMERCIALS
Most of the oddities in the TV Universe can be traced back to the commercials. In less than sixty seconds, a TV ad can wreak havoc on the natural laws of the TV Universe. People can walk up walls, stretch their bodies to grotesque proportions, and shatter the barrier of the Fourth Wall. It's a scientific principle we call "quantoon physics".

And we wouldn't have it any other way. Most times the commercials can be just as entertaining as the programs they sponsor. And in the case of UPN, they can be even more so.
PUPPETS
Puppets are living beings, spirits who animate felt and plastic shells, and take on the characteristics of the shells they inhabit. Thus Big Bird would be a big bird, Bunny Rabbit would be a bunny rabbit, Globey would be a globe, and.... Um, you get the idea. However, even though Freddie would be a flute, Barney Fife would still be a human.
We take our inspiration for this premise from "True History" by Lucian of Samosata [2nd Century, AD]. He described the Island Of The Blessed where the bodiless spirits gave themselves form by wearing woven nets of purple spider-webs. We conjecture that the Island Of The Blessed is known in Tubeworld as Living Island, and that it's the location for the kingdom of King Friday the XIII.

   Humans in Tubeworld accept that Puppets are alive. [But not ventriloquist dummies, apparently - except for Charlie McCarthy and Madame. Anybody who treats a dummy as alive is looked upon as crazy.] For proof, see how many people have interacted with the Muppets over the years. Lamb Chop was treated as a separate entity from Shari Lewis on Cybill and The Nanny. And wasn't Ed Sullivan always tucking Topo Gigio into bed and keesing him goo' night?
   However, humans must also resent the existence of the Puppet People and so keep them segregated from the rest of Society in their own communities like Sesame Street and Joyville, Ct. Puppet discrimination - it's the reason why we never see Puppets as regular characters on NYPD Blue and ER.
   Humans and Puppets can be related - Lady Aberlin is the human niece of King Friday XIII [Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood], and Skeeter is Bobby Walker's Puppet cousin from Atlanta [Cousin Skeeter]. This could be due to adoption, however. As for the explanation of Puppets with human faces and the possibility of human/Puppet miscegenation, we don't want to go there. At least not without first talking to a lawyer....

Tele-Tobies?

SERLINGUISTICS
Here in the Real World, we tend to cross the street to avoid those people who seem to be talking to the thin air. But in Tubeworld, more than likely they are a class of people known as "serlinguists" - announcers, commercial spokesmen, aerobics instructors and the like who in fact are addressing us in the Real World through the dimensional vortex knows as "The Screen".
George Burns was a serlinguist high master and Garry Shandling is one of the most recent practitioners of this talent, which is named after the host of The Twilight Zone. Any time you see a TV character break that legendary fourth wall to give a knowing wink or a double-take to the audience viewing at home, you know they're practicing serlinguism.
ANIMATION
On the left is Penelope Brewster, as seen on Punky Brewster. On the right is Penelope Brewster from It's Punky Brewster.

   They are one and the same character.
Cartoons are an artistic representation of Real Life in TV Land. Just because we see a character as a pen and ink drawing, that doesn't mean he's not a flesh and blood human being as well. It just means that he can probably pop his eyes out of his head and roll his tongue to the floor at the sight of a pretty woman. [Quantoon physics again - something we're beginning to see among the live-action characters lately...]
   So The Simpsons are real people in Tubeworld. The Flintstones were, and The Jetsons will be. Where it gets tricky is with anthropomorphic animals like Quick Draw McGraw, Mighty Mouse, and Duckman, - especially when they interact with humans. The quick and easy Tubeworld solution - a parallel Tubeworld where humans share the planet with humanoid animals.
Which brings us to another difference between our world and Tubeworld....
INTELLIGENT ANIMALS
Mr. Ed is easy to explain away - he's a member of the Houyhnhnms ["Perfection Of Nature"], a race of intelligent horses that live on an island in the South Seas, discovered by Lemuel Gulliver in 1711. [As Jonathan Swift's "Gulliver's Travels" was turned into a television mini-series, that makes the book part of the TV Universe.]
      Mr. Smith, the intelligent orangutan who worked for a government think tank, was the result of a scientific experiment gone wrong.
And as for Toonces, The Cat Who Can Drive A Car, we have no idea why his driving skills are so bad. But he really should stick with mass transit.
Then there are dogs like Cleo (The People's Choice), Buck (Married... With Children), and the suicidal Rags (Spin City). They have the power of thought which we can hear in the Real World. Theirs is a cosmic secret which would scandalize the Grey Council of Minbar should they ever find out - they believe that Minbari souls are reborn in humans. Which is fine. But apparently, those human souls are then reborn again into dogs. [This was established in a Peter Boyle sitcom pilot called Pooch.] For all we know, the Taco Bell Chihuahua could be Pepino Garcia from The Real McCoys!

The transmigration of Ally McBeal's soul?

REINCARNATION
On Tubeworld, reincarnation is a reality. It's just like it says in the theme song from My Mother The Car - we all come back in the second life sooner or later. Dave Crabtree's mother dear came back as a matter of fact - as a car.
It's our particular whimsy to think that in the Television Universe the soul of Claudius I, - the stuttering Emperor who was a lone voice of sanity in the insane world of the First Century, - returned to the mortal life of the 20th Century. But Rome was no longer his kind of town, - Chicago was. Now he was a mild-mannered psychologist whose buttoned-down mind kept him afloat in the lunacy of modern society. 'Tis pity the stutter followed him through the centuries..... (I, Claudius and The Bob Newhart Show)
Sometimes two souls are so inter-twined that they remain linked throughout every re-birth. That's why we think Dharma, the angel of Greg Montgomery, is the free spirited soul of the Cornish gypsy Demelza who lived during the late eighteenth century. Her true love was a country squire of a higher class named Ross Poldark. And centuries later, he would be reincarnated to be at Demelza's side once more; but now he was Gregory Montgomery, a San Francisco lawyer of a different social status than hers as Dharma Finkelstein. (Poldark and Dharma & Greg)
We consider these pictures to be definitive proof of joint reincarnation in Tubeworld:

Which brings us to the most popular of the Tubeworld Mysteries....
THE DARRIN DISCREPANCIES
Submitted for your approval: Picture if you will a young child in the Real World back in the late sixties, - settling down for the weekly installment of Bewitched. And suddenly the man on TV known as Darrin Stephens is gone! Replaced by an impostor who is considered to be Darrin by everybody on the show, even though they looked nothing alike! It's no wonder families are so dysfunctional nowadays - after a traumatic shock like that, kids didn't know from one day to the next if their fathers would be the same man from the day before!

Sure, for us in the Real World, this was due to re-casting of the role. But that doesn't apply in Tubeworld because Darrin Stephens, Dick York, and Dick Sargent are all separate individuals. Darrin Stephens is the most famous example of a "re-castaway", but it happens all the time in the TV Universe, and especially on soap operas. For the Inner Reality of Tubeworld, we have to search elsewhere for the answers.
For Darrin Stephens, the explanation comes easily - his wife Samantha must have tired of his looks and so she cast a magical spell to alter his appearance; a spell that could not be detected by anybody else. [As opposed to the magical spell once cast by her mother Endora to change Durwood's facial structure.]
But what of other characters? How to explain away their new looks? The most common answer is plastic surgery - Steven Carrington needed it after an explosion in Indonesia [Dynasty]; and George Shumway briefly looked like Tab Hunter after a chemical accident in Fernwood, Ohio [Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman]. Still, this can't account for all the other "re-castaways" of Tubeworld. It would mean that a plastic surgeon in Genoa City, Wisconsin, would make even more money than Victor Newman! [Helloooo, Newman.]
So we at Tubeworld Central have turned to a science-fiction program for inspiration. We believe that many of those small towns in the soap operas - Corinth, Port Charles, Llanview, - are being used as testing grounds by Quantum Leap time travellers from a future beyond that of Dr. Sam Beckett's. They leap into the lives of various citizens of these towns to study the culture of our society today. [In some cases, a character is a victim of multiple leap-abductions - Delia Ryan of Ryan's Hope, for example. Several times she'd be abducted and replaced by a Leaper; only to be returned and have the process begin all over again.]
Other characters simply have to be relegated to alternate Tubeworlds, accessible by "sliding". These are usually the re-cast roles found on new versions of the shows. Here's a good example:

These are all Gomez Addams, but DEFINITELY not all the same man. Tubeworld Central considers the first one to be THE Gomez Addams on Earth Prime-Time; and the case could be made that Gomez Number Two is just the artistic stylization of the same man. (But we'll consider opposing arguments.)
As for Gomez Number Three, we consider him to be the Addams paterfamilias from the same dimension where The West Wing can be found. (And why not? They have to have one, don't they?) Gomez Number Four resides on Earth Prime-Time Delay (and his father, Grandpapa Addams, looks amazingly similar to the original Gomez Addams!)
Finally, the last Gomez shouldn't even be included in this fraternal order. He's the Gomez Addams of the "Cineverse", that universe in which all movie characters reside. And although the Cineverse and Tubeworld intersect on occasion (Star Trek, Batman, The X-Files), this version of The Addams Family stands apart.

Those are just some examples of the quandaries and conundrums of Tubeworld Reality, and how we try to explain them away. [This may shock Mr. Spock, but sometimes the answers do NOT lie in Logic.] We're sure there are plenty of other puzzling contradictions and we're always ready to search for the answers.
If you've been bothered by such mysteries in your favorite shows, who ya gonna call? Tubeworld! [Click on the Fedex Guy.] Tell us about them and maybe we'll be able to get an answer for you in upcoming editions of the Tube-Stakes and Crossover-View pages.

REWIND TO RETURN TO THE TABLE OF CONTENTS