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Prologue: Leo has talked the guys into doing some Public Service Announcements for FOX, most of which will go along the lines of the Power Rangers ones. The others don't really wanna do it, but Leo talks them into it. Unfortunately, some things don't go exactly as planned.
Act 1
{Older Brother is holding his younger sister's portable CD player above her head}
Bro: Na na na na na ha ha SHRIMP!
Sis: GIVE THAT BACK!! {Jumping to get it}
Bro: {'accidentally' drops it, it smashes onto the ground, says sarcastically} oooops
Sis: {runs over and picks up the busted CD player, throws it at her brother}
{at the same time the turtles enter, she misses her brother, but hits Mikey on the head}
Mikey: {rubs his head} Why you little...
Leo: {warningly} Mikey... {then to the sister} Katelynn, what seems to be the problem?
Katelynn(sis): The 'inja turtles!
Bro: No, it's the ninja turtles, dumbass.
Katelynn: Whatever! {suspiciously} Hey! How did you know my name?
Don: {in a scary voice} we HAVE our WAYS ha HA ha HA ha!
Leo: DON! {then to Katelynn} What is the problem?
Katelynn: The problem IS my scum-sucking, assholic, retarded, jerk of a brother just broke my $250 CD PLAYER THAT IT TOOK ME 3 SUMMERS SLAVING AWAY BABY-SITTING TO SAVE UP FOR!!
Leo: And how does that make you FEEL, Katelynn?
Katelynn: {sweetly} Like ripping my brothers innards out with a spork and feeding them to my dog.
Mikey: {has come in, holding an ice pack to his head, makes a face} yummy :\
Raph: heh heh, cool
Leo: {shoots Raph a warning look} Katelynn, whatever the problem is violence is NEVER the answer......{long pause} ... {Leo elbows Mikey} Psst.... Mikey! Your line!
Mikey: Huh? ...Oh... oh yea! {takes out a script and holds it directly in front of his face with the hand that is not holding the ice pack, reads in a monotone voice} trymeditatingorreadingorexercising, trythingsthatwillhelpyoutorelax.
Don: Drugs always do the trick for me!
Leo: DON!
Don: What?!
Leo: That's another moral! DON'T DO DRUGS!!
Don: oh, yea.... heh... heh... just... kidding... kiddos {grins nervously and glances at Leo}
Leo: {slaps his forehead in frustration} You guys are of ABSOLUTELY no help at all, you know that? {others grin} sai... Anyway, Katelynn, sometimes finding a place where you know you can be alone and just screaming helps.
{Katelynn is seen in a crowded shopping mall, screaming her head off}
Don: {takes his hands off the sides of his head} Whoa!
Raph: {can't hear} What?
{Katelynn walks back in}
Leo: Now how do you feel Katelynn?
Katelynn: Like throwing my brother into a pool of rabid piranhas and laughing at the resulting gore.
Don: That's not good.
Raph: {still can't hear} What?!
Leo: Is there anything you can do to make yourself feel better?
Katelynn: {thinks for a second} Yes!
{We flash to Katelynn in her brother's bedroom, ripping up and crayoning on his expensive comic collection, then throwing the trashed comics into a pile in the middle of the room. Also, she is ripping the heads and limbs off his action figures and throwing them in the pile}
Leo: WAIT A MINUTE!! WE NEVER TOLD YOU TO...
Katelynn: {grins and tosses a match on the pile of comics and figures, continues feeding the bonfire with trashed comics and dismantled action figures}
Leo: YOU STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!!!
Katelynn: {Heaves her brother's stereo system at Leo, who ducks it, it smashes into the wall} SHUT UP!
Mikey: {has been standing by in shock, from what Katelynn is doing. Sees some Usagi comics in the fire and snaps out of it.} NOOOOOOO {Runs at Katelynn}
Katelynn: GO AWAY TURTLE! {Throws a handful of burning comics at Mikey, they land on his plastron, he promptly throws them off screaming in pain}
Mikey: OW! OW! OUCH! HOT! HOT! HOT!
Don: She's crazy! Let's get out of here!!
Raph: {STILL can't hear} What?!?
Don: Never mind {Grabs Raph's arm and they all haul shell out of there. Raph stumbles along confused, pulled along by Don}
Act 2
{Raph has went to an ear doctor between scenes to get his torn eardrums fixed}
{The turtles walk out onto an empty stage with the curtain pulled. Lights start flashing.}
Robotic Voice: EMERGENCY EMERGENCY
Turtles: {pull out weapons and look around nervously} Who? Wha..?
Robotic Voice: THIS IS ONLY A TEST.
{turtles relax}
Leo: {rolls eyes} Wrong kind of test guys!
Voice from the Sound Effects Box: Sorry!
Mikey: Oh man, a test! I didn't study!
Leo: Not that kind of test, Mikey.
Raph: Yea, Mikey, it's one of those tests where they give you a little cup and you go in the bathroom and....
Leo: Yuck, Raph. No, not that kind of test either.
Don: Then what kind?
Leo: A Fantasy or Fact test. {addresses TV audience} Do YOU know your fantasy from your fact? {to his brothers} didn't ANY of you read the script?
Don, Raph, and Mikey: Nope
Leo: Argh! {pulls Don and Mikey off the stage, tosses Raph a script} Just read the script, Raph.
Raph: Um, Okay {skims through the script, a twisted little grin covers his face} Fantasy - Hitting people doesn't hurt them. They can't die or get broken limbs from it. Hey! If you want, slug someone, they deserve it! {Stops and grins at the TV audience}
Leo: Psst.... don't forget the fact, Raph.
Raph: Oh yea, heh heh... Fact - Hitting hurts. You might hurt someone or even kill them. But that's okay. You can kill all you want {voice turns scary} Because I am the angel of death!! The evil one! The dark one! And I hunger for more bodies! HA HA HA! I...
Leo: {Has been saying 'Raph' louder and louder since Raph started talking in a scary voice} RAPHAEL!!
Raph: What Leo?
Leo: You can't say that kind of stuff, it's for kids!
Raph: What?! Here I was all ready to make my acting debut and you go and screw it up. {looks at script} Phht! For KIDS? YOU do it then! {throws script at Leo, who catches it. Stomps off stage}
Leo: {to Don and Mikey} Now what? {Mike grins and pushes Leo out onto the stage} Um... uh.. Hi. {Nervous grin and wave. Looks down and reads the script} Um... Let's see. Okay. Fantasy - Hitting people doesn't hurt them... Oh wait, Raph already read that.... Let's see. Okay, here we go... Fact: Hitting hurts people, it can do major damage to them. You can be arrested for hitting people. {Mikey and Don enter on one side of the stage. They stand there grinning mischievously. Leo gives them a wary look, then continues} Therefore, you should not hit people.
Don: And Leo here has volunteered to demonstrate this for us.
Leo: {eyes widen} Oh no!
Mikey and Don: CHARGE!! {They charge Leo, smash into him and he flies off-stage. We hear the tinkling of glass being broken. Mike and Don look at the audience and smile}
Act 3
Leo: {enter with one of his arms in a sling, one leg in a cast, and a crutch under one arm} Hi again Kids. Time for another fact or fantasy test. Are you ready?
{crickets creak}
Leo: {yells up at the sound effects box} VERY FUNNY GUYS!
Voice from Sound Effects Box: *snicker* *snicker* Sooorrrrrry
Leo: Sheesh! Anyway, here we go. Fantasy - Weapons don't hurt people. You can play with them all you want. And hitting people with them will simply leave black marks on their face. {Mike and Don walk in and stand there, smiling mischievously and hiding their hands behind their backs. Leo looks at them nervously and slowly moves away from them as he finishes reading the script} Fact - Weapons kill people. Guns, nunchaku, and blades are NEVER toys. You should NEVER use them.
Don: And Leo has also been kind enough to volunteer to demonstrate this as well. {Don and Mikey come at Leo with weapons}
Leo: NO YOU DON'T! NOT AGAIN!! {knocks their weapons away with his good hand} HA HA
{Mike and Don step aside and an old lady runs on stage screaming} MONSTER! MONSTER! {She sprays Leo's eyes with Mace}
Leo: {clutches at his eyes} AHHH! I'M BLIND!!! {stumbles around and falls off the stage} AHHHH
{Mike and Don stand there smiling until the lady with the Mace chases them off the stage}
Leo: {from down in front of the stage we hear his moaning voice} 911..... paramedic..... oooh
Act 4
Mike: {enter stage with script in hand} Uh.. Hi kids! I'm here to give you another fact or fantasy test! Fantasy - Sewers are fun to play in. You should go down there. You might meet the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Fact - Sewers are dangerous places, not to mention smelly. So DON'T go down there. Plus! We don't live below the streets in the sewers. We live in a condo, far above the streets! {throws his arms out as the curtain opens, revealing a relaxing condo scene. Leo is relaxing in a deck chair, he has a cast on his other leg as well now.}
Leo: {stretches his good arm out in a gesture of relaxation} Ahh! I could deal with this. Ya know, bring Master Splinter up from the lair, live the good life in a penthouse. {closes his eyes, smiling.}
Raph: {walks in} Hey guys, wassup? {leans against the background. The background gives out under the strain and both it and Raph fall off the back of the set}
Leo: {At the same time, his deck chair gives away under the weight of him and his casts. Unfortunately, the floor was not very well constructed, and it gives away under him too. We hear his scream as he falls to the basement} AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
{Mike and Don look at each other, surprised, and the curtain closes}
Act 5
Raph: {enters the stage, he has only suffered a black eye from his fall off the set} Hi kids! Time for another fact or fantasy test. {grins} Fantasy - Casey Jones is a buff, macho vigilante with a manly attitude and a body that makes you green *snicker* with envy.
{A short clip from TMNT I is shown with Casey fighting the foot}
Casey: {walks on-stage} Yea! Awright!
Raph: {grins wider} Fact - Casey Jones is an underpaid, overworked, over enthusiastic, femme little homo actor who stuffs small pillows into his clothes and wears makeup and body paint to make himself look better. In fact, he's lucky we even let him work with us! {snickers}
Casey: {angrily} HEY! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT KIND OF STUFF ABOUT ME!!!
Raph: {grins at Casey and says sweetly} Go away, you're ruining my moral.
Casey: WHY YOU LITTLE....
Act 6
{Mike enters pushing Leo in a wheelchair. A neck brace, head bandage, two black eyes, and another broken arm are added because of his fall through the stage floor. Raph follows, he has another black eye and a band-aid on his arm as a result of his fight with Casey. But he is grinning and in a very good mood. All four enter a kitchen set, with realistic-looking fake food on a low 'made-for-TV' counter}
Mikey: {has eaten half of an apple before he realized it was wax. Spits chewed up bits of wax out of his mouth} EWW! YUCK! Phitoy! Phitoy! BLECH!
{Don and Raph laugh at Mikey. Leo just sits there, staring off into space, immersed in the sereneness of pain killers}
Raph: What are we supposed to be doing here anyway?
{Mike has found that the oranges are made of rubber, and is bouncing one like a ball}
Don: I really don't know Raph, I didn't read the script.
Mikey: {The 'orange' he has been bouncing goes out of control, bounces off the stage and hits the camera, cracking the lens} Oh no! {Stifles a laugh, and covers his smile with his hands as Don and Raph crack up}
Act 7
Mikey: {adjusting the new lens in the camera} There! {sees a script nearby, grabs it and flips through it as he walks up onto the stage} Hey guys, we're supposed to be talking about the four food groups.
Raph: Gimme that! {grabs script, crumples it up and throws it at the people in the sound effects box}
Voice from the Sound Effect Box: HEY! {They play a sound that says 'Raphael Sucks!'}
Raph: HEY!!
Don: {rolls eyes} can we get on with this?
Raph: Fine! What are we supposed to be talking about again?
Mikey: The four food groups, let's see... {counts off on his fingers} Pizza, eggrolls, Ice Cream, and... Uh-oh, I ran out of fingers.
Raph: I think that the last one is steak.
Don: I think you guys are screwy.
Mikey: Oh Yea! Then what ARE the four food groups, Brain-child?!
Don: Um.... Um... {embarrassed} I forgot.
{Mikey and Raph laugh}
Don: Well, what kind of food goes in the EGGROLL group?!?
Mikey: umm.... eggrolls, and ...lumpias...and...
Don: Wait a minute! Lumpias..
Raph: Don't you two EVEN start THAT stuff again!*
Don and Mikey: Sorry
Don: Hey! Let's ask Leo, he'll know!
Mikey: {gets down in Leo's face and talks in a loud voice} HEY LEO, WHAT ARE THE FOUR FOOD GROUPS?
Leo: um... Dairy, and, ....meat, and, ....zzzzzz {falls asleep because of the pain killers}
Don: LEO! WAKE UP!
Leo: {wakes up} ...., and, ..grain, and.....zzzzzz {nods off again}
Mikey: LEO!......WAKE UP!
Leo: *snort* but mommy, I don't wanna ride the ponies, ummmmm......zzzzzzz
{After several unsuccessful attempts at waking Leo up, they give up. Leo snores away in the wheelchair, a small string of drool dribbling down onto his plastron}
Don: NOW what do we do?
Mikey: Lemme think... there's a way to remember this... They are all on Pizza Hut's Hawaiian Pizza..... hmmm. What's on it again? Ham.... that's the meat group... cheese.... that's dairy... the crust... that's grain and that burnt stuff! That's the fourth food group, burnt stuff!
Don: Ew, Mikey, no it isn't. But you're right. They all ARE on a Hawaiian pizza, the last one is pineapple, the fruits and veggies group.
Raph: Cool!
Don: {picks up a glass of fake milk and addresses TV audience} THIS is from the dairy group.
Raph: {picks up a fake tomato} THIS is from the vegetable group.
Don: No it isn't, it's a fruit.
Raph: It's a vegetable.
Don: Fruit!
Raph: Vegetable!
Don: Fruit!!
Raph: Vegetable!!
{they keep arguing back and forth, 'Fruit!' 'Vegetable!' until Don smashes the glass of fake milk down in frustration. The glass shatters, Don holds his hand, grimacing in pain. He leaves the set.}
Mikey: NOW what do we do?
Raph: I don't know, let's see if this kitchen has any REAL food.
{Raph and Mikey ransack the kitchen, looking for food.}
Mikey: {finds a chef hat in a drawer puts it on} Hey Raph, I'm SUPER CHEF!!
Raph: {Stops ransacking and looks at Mikey} Cool! Gimme one!
Mikey: {looks through drawer, can't find another chef hat. Finds one of those folding, triangle, paper, fry-person hats instead} Hey Raph, I can't find another Chef hat, but you can be my sidekick, FRY-BOY! {holds the paper hat out to Raph}
Raph: No way! {grabs the chef hat off Mikey's head, and sticks it on his own} YOU can be MY sidekick.
Mikey: {annoyed} Wha.. Hey, no fair! {pauses, then with a little grin} Okaay Raph, but I get to play with hot oil.
Raph: Hey! You tricked me! I wanna be FRY-BOY!
Mikey: {holds the hat away from Raph} Are you suuuuuure?
Raph: Yes! Now Gimme! {they switch hats}
{Mikey and Raph run around the set at breakneck speed, singing at the top of their lungs to the tune of the Mighty Mouse theme song} HERE THEY COME TO SAVE THE DINNER! SUPER CHEF AND MIGHTY FRY-BOY ARE THE WINNERS!
Don: {walks back on the set with a large dictionary under one arm and his other hand bandaged up. Watches Mikey and Raph with a look of mild annoyance and amusement} WHAT are you two doing?
Mikey: {runs by Don and whaps him upside the head as he runs by} Why PLAYING, you silly neener-head.
Don: HEY!! {drops the dictionary and chases after Mikey} COME BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SNOT!!!
{Raph stops and watches Don chase Mikey around with amusement}
{Mikey runs by Leo, Don chasing after him. Don trips over Leo, and lands on his broken legs. Leo's eyes pop open and he screams in pain}
Don: Uh.. Um... Sorry Leo.
Leo: {mumbles something about sporks and falls back asleep}
Raph: {goes over and picks up the dictionary Don dropped} What's this for Don?
Don: {whaps Mikey upside the head as he walks by} To PROVE to you that tomatoes are a fruit!
Mikey: HEY!! {rubs his head}
Raph: They are vegetables!
Don: No they aren't! Look! {Hands the dictionary to Raph, who looks where Don is pointing}
Raph: Well, whattya know? It IS a fruit!
Mikey: Frrrrrroooty
Don: Told ya!
Raph: Big whoop, brain-child.
Mikey: All this talk about food is making me hungry, let go eat.
Don: Okay.
{The four head off to Taco Johns, Raph pushing Leo's wheelchair}
*See Dawn & HT's Re:)cipe
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Title: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Public Service Annoucements
Author: Micansana/Marne Gustaf
Year Written: 1997
Year Posted: 1997
Award Year: 2nd (2000)
Catagory: "Best Comedy" -- Final Nominee
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