HOMICIDE SURVIVORS

When someone you love is murdered, you are left to put your life back together without the help of knowledge and experience to get through. There are many of us who are going through the same thing. In 1986, a very wise man, named Joe Callan, told me, "You had no control over the murderer taking your father. All you can do is be determined that the murderer doesn't get any more of you." This is something I have carried with me for many years now and sometimes it was the only thing that got me through the moment, the hour or the day.

Some of our experiences following a murder are:

The Judicial System - It is our experience that the judicial system will not heal you. It won't even help. The body of your loved one is taken by the state and they become the property of the state. You are excluded from almost every aspect of the investigation, conviction and sentencing.

Your Friends and Co-workers - Most do not know what to say to you. Friends often resort to cliche's such as, "they are in a better place, they are with God, try not to think about it and (one of the worse), you need to get over it and put it behind you." Friends mean well, but often don't know what to say so resort to saying things that they think will make you better. The wisest friends, however, tell you that they don't know what to say and that they are there for you if you want to talk.

God - You are sometimes very angry at God. Why did He let this happen? Some come to realize that it wasn't "God's will." Murder is an earth-bound evil.

Normal - How can you be normal again? You will never experience your old normal again, yet you long for days the way they were before the murder. You will find a new normal. The only way that things can be normal again is for you to have your loved one back in the physical sense. The new normal is not as awful as the first few months following a murder, however, they are different and take some time to adjust to.

First, when a murder happens, you spend your time not even believing it is true. At least you hope it isn't true... You hear them, you see them, you want to see and hear them. Then you spend you time hoping your loved one did not suffer. Some even take the autopsy report to a doctor in an emergency room to have the wound(s) explained. It is our experience that most homicide victims do not suffer for a long period. The body has a wonderful thing called "shock" which kicks in upon trauma. Next, you hope they catch the killer. Some are caught yet some families go through life wondering what happened and who could have done this to someone they love. This phase is followed by hoping the murderer is convicted, if caught, and given a strong sentence. Sometimes the killer is offered a plea bargain and sometimes they get the death penalty. Neither family is happier. At last, when all hope within the judicial system is gone, you are left alone...just you and your grief. This is where others who have shared the same experience come in. Peace to your heart, dear fellow survivor.

Following a murder, if you share your grief with others, you will heal your heart. Please do not wait on the system to "fix" you. They cannot give you what you want...your loved one. You already have your loved one.

They are in your heart