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A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person"Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman, "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets struck, he'll ask me for assistance"Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for a moment, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking the the word 'aunt'""Of course," said the Pope, "Excuse me, but do you have an eraser?"

There was a nurse working in the hospital and she was what you would call "a disaster on two feet". She got all her tasks mixed up and she basically could not do anything right. The other hospital staff tried to give her only the simplest tasks that they thought could cause the least damage when not done correctly. Obviously this nurse was not very busy. One day she was standing around again, waiting to wreak havoc, when a doctor came up to her. He gave her what he thought was an extremely simple task to do, and then he walked away. He was only a short distance down the corridor when a naked male patient came charging past him. The patient had only a small towel in front of him and he was running for his life. The doctor stopped dead, watching as this nurse came charging after the patient with a big pot of steaming hot water in her hands. It was then that the doctor screamed at the nurse : "Nurse, nurse, I said 'PRICK his BOIL' !!!"

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, "I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around." She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside.

Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked "Well, how was the party?" He replied, "It was no fun without you honey." She said, "I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!" He replied, "Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time."

Two little old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so she reached into her purse and pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea! What's that your putting over your cigarette?" The other old lady said, "It's a condom." "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that she could purchase them at a pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this little old lady was interested in condoms. He asked her, "What size do you want?" The old lady thought for a moment and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

There were three men who were lost in the forest. Soon they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. He instructed them that the first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went out to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. You have to shove all the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The prisoner did as he was told: the first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries.

When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. He began stuffing the berries up his butt: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...7...8...on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore he also was killed. The first guy and the second guy eventually met in heaven. The first one asked, "Hey, I was wondering, why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. Everything was going fine until that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Real Church Bulletin Bloopers

1) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

2) Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk come early. 3) Wednesday the lady's Liturgy Society will meet. Mr. Johnson will sing "Put me in my Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.

4) Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be a Little Mother please meet with the pastor in his study.

5) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternnon.

6) This being Easter Sunday we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.

7) A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

8) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzar the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzar.

9) Tonight's sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church in our community.

12) Potluck supper, Prayer and Medications to follow.

13) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

14) don't let worry kill you off.---Let the church help.

Sam rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Sam smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Sam breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Sam stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out " Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They're pert, full, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, Sam stammers - "Well, outside when you said you heard someone coming - that was me!"

A couple, aged 65 and 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked confused but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse!" He charged them $20.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain to me, just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man responded, "We're not trying to find out anything! You see, she's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house, the Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 for a room, and the Hilton Hotel charges $37.00..."

The old man smiles and continues, "...so, we do it here for $20.00, and I get $18.00 back from from insurance company for a visit to the doctors office!

The following are some of the winners in a New York magazine contest, in which the rules were: take ANY well-known phrase in ANY foreign language change JUST ONE SINGLE LETTER, and then provide a translation of the new expression.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? Can you drive a French motorcycle?

IDIOS AMIGOS. We're wild and crazy guys.

COGITO, EGGO SUM. I think, therefore I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS. The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID. Honk if you're Scottish.

QUE SERA SERF. Life is feudal.

LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI. The king is dead. Scam the new King.

POSH MORTEM. Death styles of the rich and famous.

VENI, VIPI, VICI. I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

PRO BOZO PUBLICO. Support your local clown.

MONAGE A TROIS. I am three years old.

HASTE CUISINE. Fast French food.

VENI, VIDI, VICE. I came, I saw, I partied.

QUIP PRO QUO. A fast retort.

ALOHA OY. Love; greetings, farewell; from such a pain you should never know.

MAZEL TON. Tons of good luck.

APRES MOE LE DELUGE. Curly and Larry got wet.

FELIX NAVIDAD. Our cat has a boat.

CHERCHEZ LA FERME. Beware of the discoverer of electricity

VOULEZ VOU COUCHER AVEC MOE? Would you like to go to bed with a stooge?

BAN APETIT. I got so hungry I ate my deodorant.

OU EST LA PAIN? Show me the Money!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful younger woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

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