Funny Celebrity Quotes

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
(Barbara Bush - Former US First Lady)

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
(Sharon Stone)

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
(Courtney Cox - Monica on "Friends")

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
(Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead)

Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
(Robin Williams)

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
(Billy Crystal)

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
(Rod Stewart)

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
(Bruce Willis - On the difference between men and women)

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.
(George Burns)

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
(Henry Kissinger - former US Secretary of State)

My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading.
(Steve Jobs - Founder: Apple Computers)

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
(Dan Rather - News anchorman)

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for Black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
(Tiger Woods)

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch.
(Jack Nicholson)

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
(Roseanne)

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
(Hugh Grant)

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
(Dustin Hoffman)

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
(Elizabeth Taylor)

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
(Jerry Seinfield)

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
(Robin Williams)

The best Norm quotes from "Cheers"!

What's shaking Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach
& they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy.
 I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's
cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting
for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert
beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em... 
pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one
....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody
 & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. 
Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr.
Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?" 
"A little early isn't it,  Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."