Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't!

• Do I look like a people person?
• Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
• I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
• Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
• Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
• Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
• Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory torward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."

If you like this page email it to a friend.

(If you are using AOL, drag the HEART into an e-mail and SEND)

Useful Phrases for the Office

Try these at your office:

1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10) Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14) No, my powers can only be used for good.

15) How about never? Is never good for you?

A meeting is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. ~Fred Allen

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

Click Here For Today's Cartoon

20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

All these pages are maintained by

Doctor Dialtone
Copyright © 1999 ~ 2002