The Wildlife Biology Jokes Archives
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"How could you just kill those people in cold blood that way?"
The chief replied, "My bike!!"
15. Career Opportunities for Wildlife Majors
14. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
13. America's Most Popular Environmental Laws
12. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
11. The Nation's Best Smelling Fisheries Biologists
10. An Entomologist's Guide to Picking Up Chicks
9. Chemical Reaction: The Lab Chemist and the Art of Dinner Conversation
8. Managing grazing for perpetuity: Bureau of Land Management technical bulletin #16
7. How to cut project costs by using environmental consultants
6. "Environment First!" by Rush Limbaugh
5. A Republican Party Guide to Environmental Awareness
4. "Coots are waterfowl, too" by Ducks Unlimited
3. Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
2. "Towards More Colorful and Picturesque Writing" by the editors of The Journal of Wildlife Management
and the Number One shortest book read by Biologists is
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Compliments of Lori's Humor PageSome times I read something I have written and
gag at the sterile structure of scientific writing. Here are
examples of what might have happened if scientists had written
childerens nursery rhymes. See how many you recognize, answers
are below.
1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural
geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the
procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact
size
of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly
descended,
sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion
of his
anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team
performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction
taken
by the first member.
2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary
influence: one
researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another
was unable
to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By
reciprocal
arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the
viands
under consideration was achieved, thus leaving the original
container of
the viands devoid of contents.
3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two
supporting
structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject
was involved
in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction
with the ritual
observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion
into the
saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was
followed
by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject
made a
declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character
as a
young male human.
4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic
acuity
were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an
agriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed
triple
caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally
used
for the subdivision of edible tissue.
5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a
small
immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of
which
reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity
equal to
that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline
water.
Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo
sapien, the
probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select
the same
pathway.
6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed
behavior, was
questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of
land used
for production of various types of flora. The tract components
were
enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of
oceaninc
growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear
orientation.
Answers
1. Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so between the two of them,
They ate the platter clean.
3. Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said "What a good boy am I!"
4. Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run.
They all ran after the farmer's wife
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life
As three blind mice.
5. Mary had a Little Lamb
Whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow.
With silver bells, and cockle shells
And pretty maidens, all in a row.
A duck walks into a drug store, asks for some chapstick, and tells the clerk, "Just put it on my bill" The duck then asks for a package of condoms. The clerk asks "Shall I put that on your bill, too" The duck responds, "Sorry, I'm not that kind of duck!"
A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100,000 Federal grant to investigate the "V" formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the "V" is always longer than the other side. This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens.
To start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands up and says, "I say we ask for $200,000, and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal CAD department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing tip vortices. Then, after several years of study, our in-house publications department could produce a nice thick report full of charts and graphs."
The Senior Research Biologist, a professor at the local university, cleared his throat and responded, "No, no!, That's not it at all. We only need $150,000. We can train a group of domesticated geese to fly in formations of equal length and then compare their relative fitness to wild geese. We can then publish the results in the Journal of Wildlife Management.
About then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins walking for the door. "Where are you going?" the group asks. "I'm leaving" he replies, "I've heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to find out that the reason one side of the "V" is longer is simply because there are more damn geese on that side!"
A scientist was complaining to a fellow scientist that his colony of fruit flies , for some unknown reason, had never mated in his glass enclosure. Given that his experiment required several generations to complete, this was causing quite a problem. The visiting scientist told him that he had experienced a similar problem at his lab and it resulted from the slick glass walls of the enclosure. Apparently the flies mate while crawling along the glass walls of the enclosure. "Your glass is too slick," he told him, "but I have just the remedy". The second scientist asked for a bottle of table salt and some flour and water. He mixed the concoction and brushed it on the glass walls. The flies began crawling along the surface and mated immediately.
"My problem is solved," exclaimed the first scientists, "If only I had known that flies need monosodium glue to mate!!"
A zoo in a small city in Nevada had finally realized their dream of obtaining an adult gorilla for their African exhibit. About a week after it arrived, it managed to escape from its confines and promptly disappeared into the city.
The zoo staff could not locate it and were near panic when someone mentioned that they new of a wildlife biologist in the next county that specialized in locating and capturing stray wild animals. The zoo officials phoned the biologist and asked that he come to their city immediately.
Todd, the wildlife biologist, arrived in minutes and began to apprise the situation. "Are there any forests or wood-lots nearby?" he asked. "Yes", the zoo director replied, "there is a little patch of forest just a half mile from here." The wildlife biologist instructed the zoo director to get in his truck and take him to the forest.
Minutes later they arrived at a small grove of trees and immediately spotted the ape on a branch about 25 feet above the ground. The two men got out, went to the back of the panel-truck and the biologist opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.
The biologist then reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat.
"Now," the biologist said, "I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground, this well trained dog, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain. When this happens, you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him.
The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?"
The biologist said, "Look, I'm an expert, I've been a wildlife biologist for 22 years and I've handled dang near every type of wild animal in North America. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know this will never happen... but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, you grab that shotgun and SHOOT THAT DAMN DOG!!!"
"Two biologists studying grizzly bear"
Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"
In Alaska's National Forests, A wildlife biologist was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory. He told them that most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic he told them. To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. Also, he said further, be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings.
One tourist asked how do you identify bear droppings.
"Oh that's easy," the biologist explained, "its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"
With apologies to....Well you know who you are!Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Those are deer tracks," the first blonde told the other. "Oh no," the second said, "Those are definitely moose tracks." With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees still make fun of it?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why is it that if you tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a terrible waste of brain cells.
After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.
This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly* the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in "your" paper, "you" say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered as scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Reports directly to God.
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Talks with God.
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if a special request is honored.
Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run over by locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Treads water. Talks to animals.
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks on thin ice. Prays a lot.
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotives two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life jacket. Talks to walls.
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings. Says "Look at the choo-choo". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to himself.
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a single glance. She IS God.
A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks. Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise.......well..."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
she replied. "Honey.....he says you're going to die."
The human gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Seen on an old, beat-up field car: This is not an abandoned vehicle
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Sam has been a wildlife biologist studying shrew behavior for 25 years and is finally ready to sit down and write his doctoral dissertation. He finds the perfect writing spot, 50 acres of land in the Tennessee mountains as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Bo... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Bo is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the wildlife business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Bo stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Bo turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"
Bo stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us"
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"
A young fellow was in the hospital having a brain scan. The doctor returned and told him he had good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have a brain disease and will probably die. The good news is that this hospital has developed a procedure for brain transplants and you qualify. Even better, there has been a wreck just outside the hospital doors and we have two fresh brains waiting for a transplant. You are lucky, the doctor told him, as both brains came from well educated men, in fact both were wildlife biologists. One was a waterfowl biologist and the other was a mammalogist. The doctor explained further that the waterfowl biologist's brain costs $250,000 while the mammologist's brain costs $19.95. A little puzzled, the patient asked why the mammologist's brain was so much cheaper. The doctor replied, " Because its been used !!! "
It was finals week at the college. The students had filed into the auditorium, and picked up their blue-books for the test. This particular class had been in avian biology and identification. The professor was known to give very difficult finals, and weighed them heavily in the grade.
Looking down to the table in the front of the room, the students saw several stands with stuffed and mounted birds. They could see that they were birds, as the feet were visible below the burlap sacks that had been placed over them. And beside each was a small sign with a number.
The bell rang, the professor allowed a moment for the noise to die down, and them addressed the class. "Today's final will count, as you know, for a large percentage of the grade. But the directions for the test are simple. You are to identify each of the birds on the table before you. Write the number, and the Latin and common name of the creature associated with it, on your paper. When you have completed the identifications, you may leave. Begin." With that he sat down.
One of the students, a few rows back from the front gestured for the prof's attention, and asked a question, "Uh, professor, are you going to remove the sacks so we can see the birds?"
"No... If you've been following the lectures through the term, you should be able to identify each of them by its feet alone. You should have realized the areas that I was stressing, in class and in the reading assignments."
The student, becoming a little alarmed, "You mean, you expect us to be able to know one of these from the others just by its feet. That's unreasonable."
"I'm sorry you're dismayed by this test. Perhaps if you'll begin it'll go better than you expect, and then the others can begin also."
"No, this is absurd. I'm not going to take this test. This is outrageous. I'm leaving." And the student begins to gather up his pencils, and day-pack.
"If you're leaving, tell me your name, so I can mark you off in my book now, please."
The irate student, holding up his feet so the prof can see them, replies, "YOU FIGURE IT OUT!"
Thanks to:
Benton Holzwarth
bentonh@tekig5.TEK.COM
Stole this one from Tina's Humor Archives Research Phrase Translation It has long been known... I didn't look up the original reference.
A definite trend is evident... These data are practically meaningless.
Of great theoretical and practical Interesting to me.
importance...
While it has not been possible to An unsuccessful experiment, but
provide definite answers to these I still hope to get it published.
questions...
Three of the samples were chosen The results of the others
for detailed study... didn't make any sense.
Typical results are shown... The best results are shown.
These results will be shown in a I might get around to this
subsequent report... sometime if I'm pushed.
The most reliable results are those He was my graduate assistant.
obtained by Brown...
It is believed that... I think.
It is generally believed that... A couple of other people think so too.
It is clear that much additional I don't understand it.
work will be required before a
complete understanding of the
phenomenon occurs...
Correct within an order of Wrong.
magnitude...
It is hoped that this study will This is a lousy paper, but so
stimulate further investigation in are all the others on this
this field... miserable topic.
Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for Blotz did the work and Frink
assistance with the experiment explained to me what it meant.
and to George Frink for valuable
discussions...
A careful analysis of obtainable Three pages of notes were
data... obliterated when I knocked over
a glass of beer.
A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me." He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Well I didn't!"
There was a mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
Two biologists studying caribou in Alaska's back country got a pilot to fly them into the far north to collect some specimens. They were quite successful in their venture and had six big carcasses to take back to their lab. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six caribou. But the pilot objected and told them,"The plane can only take four of your caribou; you will have to leave two behind."
They argued with the pilot, letting him know that the year before, they had also collected six caribou and that pilot had allowed them to put all six animals aboard. This plane was the exact same model and capacity.
Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not carry the load and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one biologist said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other biologist. I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year!"
The husband and wife turkey vultures are flying back east to visit family during the holidays. They each brought a suitcase and a dead raccoon with them. When they boarded the plane, the flight attendant asked if he could check the raccoons for the couple. The vultures replied "No, they're carrion".
YELLOWSTONE
WOLF BIOLOGIST TALKING TO SCHOOL KIDS
A brave wolf biologist was talking with a group of school kids when one of them asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon."
"What did you do?", the little girl asked.
"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage."
An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).
The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pa's admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains.
His sick Pa was upset, "I can't tan that skin without no brains!" he said, "Now what am I a gonna do?" Thinking quickly, he remembered that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some field work.
"Well, we're only tanning one squirrel skin, walk up the river and shoot one of them dang fish biologists and I'll use his brains to tan the skin," he told the son. The son did as he was told and soon returned with the prize. As it turned out, the brain wasn’t large enough and the boy was upset as he would have to make another trip to harvest the other two biologist's brains.
"Look on the bright side, boy", the old man told him, "Two more ought to be just enough…. We'd have been in real trouble if they was BOTANISTS!"
A truck driver who was hauling a load of merchandise for R.E.I, stopped into a truck stop in a Northern California logging town to have some dinner. As he approached the counter, the waitress slowly slid her hand towards a handgun sitting just below the counter. "Are you some kind of wildlife biologist?" she asked, "'cause I can smell one in here".
"Heck no!", the trucker replied. "I am a truck driver, but I am hauling outdoor gear for R.E.I. That must be what you smell".
She agreed and let the trucker sit down to his dinner. A few minutes later, a man walked in wearing a pair of khaki shorts with ten pockets, hiking shoes, a funny looking field hat, a compass dangling from his neck and a pair of binoculars. The waitress jumped up, grabbed the gun and BANG!, shot him on the spot.
The surprised trucker jumped up and yelled "What in the world are you doing!"
The waitress told him that it was open season on wildlife biologists because they were everywhere and all the endangered species B.S. was ruining the local lumber-mill economy. Given this, the County had declared an open hunting season on them, and that the limit was 5 biologists per day.
The trucker, a little shaken at all this, got back in his truck and started up a steep hill leading out of town. All of a sudden, the back door of his trailer busted open, spilling his load of R.E.I. outdoor gear all over the highway. He could see in his rear-view mirror that already, a bunch of wildlife biologists were scrambling onto the road and were scavenging his merchandise. The trucker grabbed a gun and jumped out of the truck. He ran to the back and BANG... BANG... BANG….he shot the first 5 biologists that he could see and the rest ran off into the brush along the side of the road.
Next, he heard a loud siren as a state trooper screeched to a stop beside the carnage.
"Alright, buddy, that’s it, your under arrest!!" the trooper yelled.
"But I thought it was open season on these biologists, and I only shot five!," the trucker exclaimed.
"That's true", the officer replied, "You can shoot 'em, but its against the law to Bait 'em!!!"
MORE
OPEN SEASON ON BIOLOGISTS
The same truck driver from the previous joke got in the habit of veering off the road to run down every wildlife biologists that he saw on the sides of the road. He took great satisfaction in the characteristic "thump" he heard every time he would hit one of them. One day, he spotted a biologist walking down the shoulder of the road and immediately swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he saw that it was actually a priest and managed to stop the truck in time. The priest ran to the truck and asked the trucker for a ride into town. The trucker agreed and the priest climbed into the cab. After a few minutes, the trucker spotted a biologist along the side of the road and without thinking he steered the semi in the biologists direction. At the last minute, he remembered the priest sitting next to him and swerved back onto the road. Just as he thought he had cleared the biologist, he heard the familiar "thump". Embarrassed at what the priest might be thinking, he leaned over and told the priest," I apologize for almost hitting that biologist back there."
"Don't worry," the priest replied, "I saw that you were going to miss him and luckily I got him with the door!!"
The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.
"I was just trying to feed my hungry family" he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before. "
The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.
"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"
"Well your Honor" the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!!"
One of those rich biologists working for a large consulting firm sees an advertisement for a $99 wildlife cruise, so he goes down to his travel agent and shells out the money. The travel agent hits him over the head with a baseball bat, stuffs him into a sack, throws him out the back window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose.
The biologist wakes up to find himself adrift in the middle of the ocean along with a fellow consulting firm biologist. The first biologist says, "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise." The second biologist replies, "They didn't last year."
What's the difference between a good Federal biologist and an average Consulting Firm biologist?
About $65.00 an hour
A baby polar bear asks his mother if he is 100% polar bear. "Of course you are, I am 100% polar bear, your father is 100% polar bear, so you are 100% polar bear." Still not assured, the baby polar bear asks his father. "Of course you're 100% polar bear. My mother and father were 100% polar bear and your mother's parents were 100% polar bear so that makes you 100% polar bear."
"Why do you wonder if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Cause I'm freezing my little ass off, that's why!!!!"
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