So here are my top ten picks of the movies I saw in 1996. Followed by a little appreciation of Ebert and Siskel, as I prefer to call them, in order of my preference for their work. Followed by THEIR lists. Then there’s a change of pace -- another long movie review, this time of THE CRUCIBLE. Finally I get off movies for a fraction of a second and (in the BACKCHAT section) reply to various points other contributors made in last month’s madcap issue of APA:NESFA.
Please note once more that my enumeration below is NOT a "10 best" list. That would confine me to stuff that was really worthy, that advanced the cinematic art, so on.
Some of my picks may very well be that good. But basically, my only criterion was pure selfish enjoyment. Hope you care to wallow in it with me.
Meaning: What's In It For Me.
I'd say that when it comes to a personal fanzine like the Devniad, which reports on the doings of myself and my family/friends/fellow SF fans, as a reader you switch frequencies from WII-FM over to its sister station, WII-AM.
Meaning: What's In It About Me.
Plenty of my science fiction friends should be gratified this time then. Because much of this issue is a nice long set of quotes I or my spies overheard at Boskone, the regional science fiction convention put on by NESFA. See if your deathless utterance made the grade . . .
It's a long issue this month, starting with the Boskone quotes. Followed up by a piece perhaps more to the liking of my non-SF-loving friends, containing a long movie review about a love story -- and a true one, too -- set in rural Texas in the 1930s. It's called The Whole Wide World, and so far it's one of my favorites of this young year. (By the way, the hero happens to have been Robert E. Howard, the writer who invented Conan the Barbarian.)
The ish finishes up with my responses to other NESFA members' comments
from last time. That includes such SF items as why I don't believe Michael
Flynn's FIRESTAR, while quite worthy, is quite Hugo-worthy. Plus more putatively
mainstream stuff, including: A preliminary dram of Harponics, the special
language of Irish Americans. A favorite quote from Samuel Pepys's famous
diary of the 1600s. And why genrontocracy is beginning to look good to
me.
Along the way, you'll be offered answers to questions like these:
What's reindeer steak taste like?
How big is a really big taratula?
Why would certain Australian fans feel at home on Friday nights in Bolivia?
Who in 18th century France was most likely to be struck by lightning?
What's the one promise life always keeps?
What body part does NESFA lack? (Watch it, wise guys ... )
And extra credit for media fans who need help to reach up to the bottom
of the curve: What's the name of Jabba the Hut's brother?
You also get an approximate picture of what a fashion plate I was in high school. (Though believe me, there are some sights for which words are wholly inadequate.)
Oh, and then there's my total head-over-heels rave for Citizen X, one of the best movies you never heard of.
Plus my backchatting answers to last month's articles by other APA writers. Here, you'll learn such tidbits as
The identity of the High Priest of the Blue Oyster Cult ...
Why cable modems won't make it ...
What's on Steven Wright's answering machine ...
Why Chewbacca's so hairy ...
Why the market hates John M. Ford ...
The origin of my fondness for round young virgins ...
What real good film should have won the Best Picture Oscar ...
Why the name of General Ignacio Zaragoza will live forever ...
Some trivial stuff also.
Such as
What Zeus and transsexuals have in common ...
My (perforce) favorite radio station ...
Heresy about Theodore Sturgeon ...
The detective whom James Bond recommended to me ...
My adventures in World War II ...
Perfect books for a bright 14-year-old ...
Why my wife Maureen hated and I liked CHASING AMY ...
A campaign tip for Michael A. Burstein ...
Why Microsoft Windows is like death ...
Sexual diseases in 1700 ...
The Man Who Proofreads the Phone Book ...
Plus a long review of a movie called THE FIFTH ELEMENT, which every
SF fan with a funny bone in his or her body should see.
If you're an SF fan, you may appreciate the subtleties of my quotation fugue, a delicately composed sampler of the most crystalline passages of wit and wisdom overheard during a joyously skiffylated weekend. Each preceded by a smartass comment of my own.
If you're one of my (nevertheless deeply cherished) non-SF friends, you may understand a word here and there. Try the movie reviews. And better luck next month.
Back to the fans.
Oh, the wonders you'll find here. For instance:
How seeing Hitler made Algis Budrys a science fiction writer ...
And in a related story, how meeting Harlan Ellison almost DIDN'T make Kim Stanley Robinson a science fiction writer ...
What Eleanor Arnason believes are the worst letters in the English alphabet ...
Which entry in his new ENCYCLOPEDIA OF FANTASY is John Clute's favorite ...
What Jonathan Lethem wears on his sleeve ...
How one writer banzai'd his Japanese advances into a 500% increase ...
Why you should never set sail in a 12-foot pickle ...
How to kill a man who's using nanotech protection ...
What's the only condition under which group sex is cool ...
Your first Lithuanian language lesson ...
News of some new John Norman titles (for the slavishly devoted) ...
What Frank Capra and Franz Kafka have in common ...
Whether to lunch with Hannibal Lecter ...
Why Cyril M. Kornbluth hated Robert A. Heinlein ...
When writing drunk is an absolute necessity ...
... and more!
Oh, plus quick reviews of 6 new movies, double plus my responses to what other APA contributors said last issue. As if you cared. Or were even reading this far into the boilerplate instead of bounding ahead to the text and looking to see whether I quoted you or your friends ....
You also get reviews of movies such as the one containing "the best visions of infernal damnation since Newt Gingrich's fortuneteller looked into her crystal ball" ... the one where the hero escapes from the villain "without getting up from his chair" ... and "The One Where M. Emmet Walsh Sings."
Plus my replies to what other APA contributors said last issue. Skip
this part at your peril, for you'll miss stuff like my choice for who deserves
a big white statue in the Temple of Essayists ... why I'm certain that
the STARSHIP TROOPERS movie will be no good ... a modest proposal to turn
NESFA into a deathmatch-happy Quake clan ... my suggestion to name a proposed
software consulting group BilkaTron ... and a roundup of great movies made
in Pittsburgh. "Yet they talk about LA and New York as movie towns." ...
Plus there are reviews of a Scottish movie that almost made me fall off my sheep … a movie with a New York setting that features basements and subways full of disgusting bugs, surprise surprise … and a movie so politically correct the villains aren’t even Arabs, they're French.
All this capped off by my usual sardonic rejoinders to helpless fellow
APA contributors. Wherein merciless fun is made of what they said last
time, while along the way we touch on subjects from harbor dredges … to
cafeteria menus featuring "Zesty Macaroni and Cheese Au Gratin" … to subliminal
messages about voting, sex, and Michael Burstein … to Chinese raping chairs.
Got your attention, have we? Yes, lust is the subject of "The Map to the Homes of the Stars." It's one of several fine, atmospheric fictions by a great new SF short story writer named Andy Duncan that I recommend to start this issue off. Followed by a host of other fascinating topics and tips, such as what to do if you're on the run from the government ... how NOT to attend a favorite author's personal appearance ... how to get your laser paper pregnant ... what's the best movie around that your local Blockbuster won't stock ... what you call the three stages of a magician's act ... and why I could fairly be termed a "zelotypic pinguescent."
Plus movie reviews, including a nursery rhyme about SEVEN YEARS IN TIBET
... and the moment when Bob Newhart (who better?) gets to deliver "the
most unenthusiastic hug in screen history." Followed by a few sarcastic
rejoinders to what other APA contributors said last time.
It's November, and you're just beginning to figure out how your new turkey thermometer works.
HOW THE MIND WORKS occupies my perhaps slightly more advanced intelligence currently. It's the title and subject of a great new book -- a survey of recent cognitive science thinking about, you know, thinking -- reviewed at length below. Tantalizing you with clues to such mysteries as why ancient man kept kosher ... what U.S. senator holds the solar system record for spacesickness ... how women and fire are alike ... why we enjoy sex ... and, in a not unrelated development, where morning sickness comes from.
This ish also contains a long report on the flick STARSHIP TROOPERS,
including speculation on which character may be intended as a portrait
of Robert Anson Heinlein himself. Plus other movie reviews. Plus smartass
replies to other APA:NESFA contributors, revealing why I suspect Godzilla's
newest enemy may be a native of Massachusetts ... everything I know about
world-class symbolist poet Fernando Pessoa ... and how to prepare perfect
macaroni and cheese.
The second half comprises my replies to things other APA:NESFA contributors
said last month. Many of you avoid reading this stuff. But that way, you'll
miss cool squibs like what Somerst Maugham said were the three rules for
writing the novel .. what "Benthic Behemoth" and "Verdigris" have in common
... and why I have to give Ronald Reagan some credit.
In any case, here's my movie list. And I don't want to hear any backtalk about THE FIFTH ELEMENT, you hear? I'm aware that it didn't make the top ten list anywhere else except the Bizarro World, let alone cop the top slot. But as Robert E. Howard liked to say shortly before he killed himself, "The path I walk, I walk alone."
Oh, this ish also contains selections from a semi-neat new book on foreign words, including the revelation that "honcho" isn't exactly Spanish ... Plus disappointingly unrevealing news about women's bathing suits from the beaches of Rio ... Plus MORE film reviews, wherein you learn which major American politician's character was blighted by hemorrhoids ... the one word that best sums up the character of James Bond ... and what GOOD WILL HUNTING has in common with THE PRINCESS BRIDE.
Oh, and in "Backchat" there are my snotty comments about what other APA contributors said last ish, touching on such subjects as Hungarian family names, modern art, macaroni and cheese, and leeks.
Actually, that about covers it.