T'was the night before the Classic, when all through the trailers,
All the exhibitors were wishing their competition as failures;
The show leads were placed in tack boxes with care,
In hopes that the Springer judge soon would be there.
The dogs were nestled all snug in their crates,
While they visioned cute bitches willing to mate;
And Mama in her nightie, sitting up on my lap,
We'd just finished drinking a Mad Dog 20/20 nightcap.
When out in the parking lot I heard a commotion,
I sprang from my chair and spilt the dog lotion.
Away to the driver's seat, all set to Cruz,
I opened the window and threw up my booze.
The moon on the breast of the new 5-foot snow,
Gave the luster of midday to the cars of my foes,
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a minivan loaded with dogs that had to park in the rear.
With a little old driver, not willing to budge,
I knew in a moment it must be "the judge."
More rapid than beagles his dogs they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Go, Bonnie! Go, Reo! Go, Tammy and Sophie!
Come, Splash! Come, Buddy! Come, Danny and Archie!
To the back of the X-pen! Don't stop ‘til I call!
Now poop away! Pee away! Poop away all!!"
We went to the bar and spent all my dough.
He had the dry heaves before the great show,
So up to the penthouse the dogs they flew,
With a crate full of rawhide, and the Springer judge, too.
And then in a twinkling, there were unbelievable flaws,
The prancing of dogs with muddy front dew claws.
As I held up my head, and was turning around,
Down the elevator the judge came with a bound.
He was dressed all in flannel, from his feet to his head,
and his clothes looked like he was getting ready for bed.
A bundle of dog bones he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a vendor just opening his pack.
His eyes were so wrinkled!
His dimples, so scary!
His cheeks were rough,
His nose was so hairy!
The chomp of his mouth was as tight as a drum,
And the beard on his chin made him look dumb;
He had a square face and a big fat belly,
That barked when he ate, like a dog named Ellie.
He was chubby and portly, and had fat thighs,
I laughed when I saw him, but still gave him high fives.
We drank all night, back in time to judge,
Soon gave me to know, he needed a great big nudge.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Went over all the dogs, then turned with a jerk,
And pointing his finger directly at me,
And giving a nod, gave my dog Best of Breed.
He sprang to his minivan, to his dogs gave a toot,
And away they all flew to appease the old coot.
But before he left, I heard him exclaim to the others,
"Better luck next time, he's one of my boss' brothers!"
