One night, Lance had a terrible dream. It was the worst dream in his life. In the dream he got up, got dressed, ate breakfast and kissed his mother goodbye. Lance walked to school. But when Lance walked into his classroom, everyone started laughing at him. Lance looked down. He didn’t have any pants. He was just wearing underwear and it was his mother’s underwear! Lance realized he was dreaming and he woke up screaming. Lance’s mother heard him and came to his room.
“Lance what’s wrong?” she asked.
“Mom! I had a terrible dream! I was wearing your underwear!”
“Were you wearing my pink underwear or my green underwear?”
“I was wearing your pink…….wait a minute, why is that important?”
“Lance, my pink underwear is much more beautiful. My green underwear has holes in it and coffee stains. Did the dream scare you Lance?”
“No, mom, it didn’t scare me, it was just terrible. All the kids were laughing at me. I felt so stupid. I thought the dream was real.”
“Lance it was just a dream. It wasn’t real. Don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal. Now get up. It’s time to go to school.”
At school Lance felt happy it was just a dream, but he was still nervous. He kept checking his pants to make sure he had them.
The next night, Lance dreamed the same dream again. But this time it was worse. In the dream when Lance realized he didn’t have any pants he ran out of the classroom and into the hallway. But his classmates followed him and everywhere he went they yelled, “Hey Lance! Where are your pants?!” Lance woke up screaming and his mother came to his room again.
After that, Lance had the same dream every night. He tried everything to stop it. He tried to stay awake all night, he even tried to wear pants in bed. But nothing worked. At school Lance got more and more paranoid. Everytime a student laughed he would grab his pants and look around with fear in his eyes. He couldn’t stop thinking about those terrible words in his dreams, “Lance! Lance! Where are your pants?!”
Finally his mother decided to take him to a psychiatrist. Lance felt embarrassed telling the psychiatrist about his dream, but the doctor didn’t laugh at him.
“Lance do you have any friends?”
“No, I don’t really have time for friends because I’m a ventriloquist and I have to practice. I have a dummy. His name is Lance too.”
“I see,” said the doctor. “Lance, in your dream your pants disappear because you are afraid your classmates will make fun of you. If you stop worrying about your classmates making fun of you then you will stop having your missing pants dream. It’s simple. I think you should join the baseball team. If you play with other children on a team, maybe you will make friends and not worry about other children laughing at you.”
“What a wonderful idea,” said Lance’s mother. “Thank you, doctor.”
“You’re welcome,” said the psychiatrist.
But Lance didn’t agree with the psychiatrist. He thought it was bullshit. How could playing baseball stop his dream? He told his mother he didn’t want to join the baseball team but his mother wouldn’t listen to him. The next day she took him to baseball practice, talked to the coach and then went home. The coach told Lance to go to the locker room to change clothes.
In the locker room Lance thought about a way to get kicked off the baseball team. He didn’t want to play baseball. He didn’t want to make new friends. Maybe if he played like shit, the coach would let him go home. Lance came out of the locker room thinking about these things.
When he got to the team all the other children started laughing at him and pointing. Lance looked down. He wasn’t wearing any pants! He had forgotten to put them on! His nightmare was really happening! But this time, it wasn’t really so terrible. In fact, it was a little fun. Lance looked at his underwear and smiled. When the other children yelled, “Lance! Lance! Where are your pants!” Lance answered, “I am Lance! I have no pants! The coach tried to grab him but Lance was too fast. He just ran around screaming, “I am Lance! I have no pants!”
The coach called his mother and she came and picked him up. His mother looked at him and shook her head.
“Lance where are your pants?”
“Mom! I am Lance! I have no pants!”
“Lance, what are you talking about? Why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“I am Lance! I have no pants!”
“Lance are you okay?”
“Mom! I’m happy. I’m Lance! I have no pants!”
Lance’s mother took Lance to a mental hospital. Lance spent three months there. Finally the doctors said Lance was okay and Lance went home. But when no one is home, Lance takes off his pants and runs around the house. And of course, he yells:
“I am
Lance! I have no pants!”