Tom is very smart, but his family is very stupid.  Today is Sunday.  Tom wants to go to the beach.  Tom‘s father and mother are sleeping.  Tom goes into their bedroom to talk to them.

     “Father, can we go to the beach today?”  asks Tom.

     “OK,”  says Tom‘s father.  “But the beach is very far.  We can’t walk to the beach.  What are we going to do?”

     “We can go by car,”  says Tom.

     “Oh,”  says Tom‘s father.  “Do we have a car?”

     “Yes, it‘s in the garage,”  says Tom.

     “Oh,”  says Tom‘s father.  “I forgot.”

     “Do you know where the beach is?”  asks Tom‘s mother.

     “Yes, we went to the beach two weeks ago,”  says Tom.

     “Oh,”  says Tom‘s mother.  “I forgot.”

     “Can Mary go to the beach too?”  asks Tom.

     “Who is Mary?”  asks Tom’s father.

     “She’s my sister,”  says Tom.

     “Oh,”  says Tom’s father.  “I forgot.” 

     “You are really stupid,” says Tom. “You always forget Mary is your daughter, and I’m your son.  You are my father.”

     “Who?  What?  Oh!  You are my children?  Now I understand.  Tom, you should go and tell Mary we are going to the beach.  Do you know where she lives?”

     “Yes father, she lives here”  says Tom.

     Tom goes to his sister’s bedroom.  She is asleep. 

     “Wake up,”  says Tom.  “Today we are going to the beach.  Wake up Mary.  You are too lazy.”

     “Who are you?”  asks Mary.

     “I am your brother,”  says Tom.

     “Oh,”  says Mary.  “I forgot.”

     Tom goes to the kitchen.  He makes lunch for his family.  He puts it into plastic bags.  He puts the bags in the car.  He puts some towels and some Coca-Cola in the car too. He goes to his parents’ bedroom again.

     “We are ready to go,”  says Tom’s mother.  Tom looks at his mother.  She is wearing his father’s clothes.  Tom looks at his father.  He is wearing his mother’s clothes.  Tom smiles.  Then he laughs. 

     “You are wearing the wrong clothes,”  says Tom.

     “Oh,”  they say.  “You are right.”

     “I am a man,”  says Tom’s father.  “I forgot.”

     “I am a woman,”  says Tom’s mother.  “I forgot too.”  Tom’s father and mother change clothes.  Tom helps them put on their underwear.  Then Tom goes back into his sister’s room.  She is asleep again.

     “Wake up,”  says Tom.  “We are going to the beach.  Mary!  Wake up!”  Mary wakes up.

     “What?  Where?”  asks Mary.

     “We are going to the beach,”  says Tom. 

     “Oh,”  says Mary.  “Now I understand.”

Mary gets up.  She goes to the window and takes a piss.  Mary smiles.  She’s very happy.

     “You can’t do that,”  says Tom.  “You can’t piss out the window!  You have to go to the bathroom.”

     “Oh,”  says Mary.  “You are right.  I forgot.”  Mary goes to the bathroom.  Tom shakes his head.

Finally, Tom’s mother, father, and sister are ready to go.  They go outside and get into the car. 

     “The car doesn’t work,”  says Tom’s father. 

     “You have to use the key,”  says Tom.

     “Oh,”  says Tom’s father.  “I forgot.”  Tom’s father starts the car.  Tom is very happy.  His family is going to the beach. 

     It takes one hour to go to the beach.  The beach is very hot.  There are many people.  Tom and his family get out of the car.

      “Where are we?”  asks Tom’s father.

     “We are at the beach,”  says Tom. 

     “Oh, I forgot,”  says Tom’s father.  Tom opens the trunk.  He takes out the beach towels, the plastic bags, the Coca-Cola, some comic books, and a bag.  The bag has everyone’s swimming suits in it. He walks to the beach and his father and mother follow him.  But Mary is not there.  It’s strange.

     “Where is Mary?”  asks Tom.

     “Who is Mary?”  asks Tom’s mother.

     “She is your daughter.”  says Tom.

     “Oh,”  says Tom’s mother.  “I forgot.”  Tom tells his mother and father to wait.  He goes to look for Mary. 

He sees Mary with four dogs next to a tree.  She is taking a piss on the tree.

     “You are not a dog,”  says Tom.  “These dogs are not your family.  You have to follow me to the beach.”

     “I don’t understand, who am I?” asks Mary.

     “You are my sister,” says Tom. “You’re not a dog.”

     “Oh,” says Mary.  “I forgot.”                         

        Mary follows Tom back to Tom’s mother and father.  Then everybody follows Tom to the beach.

     “Before we can swim, we have to put on our swimming suits,”  says Tom.  “The changing rooms are over there. ”  Tom and his father go into the men’s changing room.  Mary and her mother go into the women’s changing room.  Tom puts his swimming suit on. He helps his father put on his swimming suit. 

        Tom and his father walk outside.  Mary and her mother are already outside.  They are naked.  Many people are looking at them and laughing.

     “You have to put on your swimming suits,”  says Tom.  “What are you doing?  Are you crazy?”                                          

  “Oh,”  says Tom’s mother.  “Now I understand.” 

          Tom’s mother and sister go back into the changing room.  After one hour they come out.  They are wearing their swimming suits.  Tom is very happy.  He goes to the beach and his family follows him.  He puts the towels on the beach and everybody sits down.  He takes out the food and everyone eats.  The food is delicious.  After everyone eats,  Mary exercises.  Tom’s mother rests.  Tom’s father shows off his muscles.  But Tom feels tired.  He closes his eyes and sleeps.  Sleeping at the beach is his favorite thing to do.

     One hour later, Tom wakes up.  He looks around.  His mother is asleep.  His sister is eating sand.  His father is not there. 

     “You can‘t eat sand,”  Tom says to his sister.

     “Are you sure?”  asks his sister.

     “Yes,”  says Tom.  “I’m sure.  Sand is not food.” 

     “OK,”  says Mary.  “I believe you.  I trust you.”

     “Where is Dad?”  asks Tom.

     “He is swimming,”  answers Mary.

     “But he can’t swim,”  says Tom.  “He doesn’t know how to swim.  Why did he go in the water?  Oh no!  Shit!  Mary!  Why didn’t you  try to stop him?”

     “Stop who?  What?  Where?  Stop?  I like Coca-Cola.”  Mary smiles.  Tom runs to the water.  He looks for his father.  But he can’t find him.  Tom is very upset.  He goes back and wakes his mother up. 

     “I can’t find him,”  says Tom.  “I think he is dead.”

     “Who?”  asks Tom’s mother.

     “Father,”  says Tom.

     “Do I have a father?”  asks Tom‘s mother.

     “No, not your father, my father,”  says Tom.

     “Do you have a father?”  asks Tom’s mother.

     “Of course I have a father,”  says Tom.  “My father is your husband.  You are married to him.”

     “What?”  asks Tom’s mother.  “Your husband is my father?  My father is your father?  Is that right?”

     “Ahhhh!  I give up!”  says Tom.  “I’m tired of trying to explain everything to you.  Don’t you understand?  Dad is dead!  He drowned!  Your husband is dead!”

     “I like pizza,”  says Tom’s mother.

     “I like pizza too,”  says Mary.  “It tastes good.”                          

Tom is very unhappy.  His family is too stupid.  Going to the beach was a bad idea.  Tom decides to go home.  He picks up the beach towel and the food and tells his mother and sister to follow him back to the car.  He tells his mother to drive.  Mary is very happy.

     “Are we going home?”  asks Mary.  “I like home.”

     “Yes, Mary.  We are going home,”  answer Tom.

     “Do I know how to drive?”  asks Tom‘s mother.

     “Yes, I taught you how to drive last week, mother.”

     “Oh,”  says Tom’s mother.  “I forgot.”  Everyone gets into the car.  Tom gives his mother the keys and she starts the car.  Tom is in a bad mood.  He closes his eyes and shakes his head.  Now he has no father.  What should he do?  Taking care of his family is hard.

     Suddenly Tom’s face is wet.  He opens his eyes.  Mary is taking a piss out the window.  But the wind is blowing some of it back into the car.  There is piss on Tom’s face.  Tom looks at his sister.  Mary smiles. 

     “You can‘t take a piss out the window,”  says Tom. 

     “Sorry,”  says Mary.  “I forgot.”  Tom tells his mother to stop at a gas station because the car needs gas.  Mary gets out to go to the bathroom.  She pisses in the sink and goes to the toilet to wash her hands.  There is a big shit in the toilet.  Mary smiles and picks it up.  She thinks it’s soap.  She washes her hands and goes back to the car.  

    Tom puts gas in the car.  He gives his mother money to pay for the gas.  He tapes it to her fingers.  Tom’s mother goes into the gas station to pay for the gas.

     “My son told me to give you this paper,”  says Tom’s mother.

      The gas station man takes the money and gives her change.  Tom’s mother looks at the change.  She goes back to the car. 

     “The man at the gas station gave me this present,”  she tells Tom.  “Isn‘t it pretty?  Maybe I can make a necklace.”   

     “That’s not a present, that’s change,”  says Tom.

     “Change?”  says Tom‘s mother.  She starts to take off her clothes.  She takes off her dress.  Then she takes off her bra. 

     “What are you doing!!!!?”  Tom yells.

     “You said I should change.”  says Tom’s mother.

     “No, No, No, No, No,”  says Tom.  “Don‘t change.  Put your clothes back on.”  Tom’s mother looks at Tom.   

     “Ok,”  she says.  “But if you don‘t want me to change, then don’t say change.” 

     “Ok,”  says Tom.  “Mom, get in the car.  We have to go.”

     “I don’t want to drive,”  says Tom’s mother.  “It’s dangerous.”

     “Don’t worry,”  says Tom.  “I will tell you where to go.” 

     “Where should we go?”  asks Tom’s mother.

     “Let’s go home,”  says Tom.  “You have to take a nap.”

     “Who is home?”  asks Tom’s mother.  “Is home my mother?”

     “Home is where we live.  We live in a house,”  answers Tom.

     “Oh,”  says Tom’s mother.  “Why do we live in a house?”

     “What’s a house?”  asks Mary.  “Can I drink it?”

     “No, you can’t drink it.  Stop asking so many questions.”

     “I‘m thirsty,”  says Tom’s mother.

     “I‘m thirsty too.”  says Mary.

     “OK, there are some lemons and some ice in the cooler on the floor in the back seat,”  says Tom.  “There are some glasses too. Mary, you can make lemonade.  Do you think you can do it?”

     “Yes,”  says Mary.  Mary makes lemonade.  She tastes it.  It  tastes very sour.  Mary likes sour lemonade and she knows her  mother likes sour lemonade too.  But Tom hates sour lemonade. 

    Mary doesn’t know what to do.  She sees a bottle on the floor. The bottle has many white pills in it.  Mary smiles.  It’s sugar!  She puts ten white pills in Tom’s glass of lemonade.  Mary doesn’t know the white pills aren’t sugar.  The white pills are sleeping pills!  Mary is really, really, really, a stupid, stupid girl. Mary uses her fingers to stir the lemonade.  There is still some shit on her fingers because Mary thought the shit was soap.  It is really disgusting.  Mary gives Tom and her mother their glasses of lemonade.  Mary’s mother drinks her lemonade.

     “It tastes good,”  she says.  Tom drinks his lemonade. 

     “I don’t agree,”  says Tom.  “It tastes strange.”  But Tom is really thirsty.  He drinks the whole glass of lemonade and looks out the window.  Tom has to tell his mother where to go. 

     “Turn right,”  he says to his mother.

     “Which way is right?”  Tom’s mother asks him.

     “That way,”  Tom says.  Tom points right.

     “OK,”  says Tom’s mother.  She turns her head right.

     “No, not your head,”  says Tom.  “Turn the car right."

     “OK,”  says Tom’s mother.  She turns the car right.  Tom feels strange.  He feels very tired.  He is very sleepy.  He can’t stay awake.  He falls asleep.  Tom’s mother looks at Tom.

     “Which way do we go now?”  asks Tom’s mother.  Tom doesn’t answer.  Tom’s mother looks at Tom.  She hits him, but he doesn’t wake up.  Tom’s mother turns around and looks at Mary.  Mary is pissing in her lemonade glass.  Mary smiles.

     “Do you know where we are going?”  Mary’s mother asks.

     “Yes, Mama.  We are going home,”  says Mary.

     “But where is home?”  asks Mary’s mother.

     “I don’t remember,”  says Mary.  “But it has a kitchen.”

     “You’re right.  I remember.  We should look for a kitchen.”

     “Maybe if we keep driving, we will see a sign,”  says Mary.

     “That’s a good idea,”  says Mary’s mother.  “We will look for a kitchen sign.  Our house has a kitchen.  Mary, you are smart.”

     Mary and her mother drive for many hours.  They don’t see any sign that says kitchen.  Tom doesn’t wake up.  He is snoring.

 
     “Maybe home is very far away,”  says Mary.

     “You’re probably right,”  says Mary’s mother.

     “Look!”  says Mary.  “There’s a big sign! Maybe it says home! Maybe it says kitchen!”  Mary gets excited.  She pisses on the floor of the car.  “Mother, stop the car!  Stop the car!”  Mary’s mother stops the car in front of the sign.  She looks at Mary. 

     “Can you read?”  Mary’s mother asks Mary.

     “What do you mean?”  asks Mary.  “What is read?”  Mary’s mother sees a man walking across the street.  She honks the horn. The man comes to the car and looks in the window. 

     “What do you want?”  he asks.  “Why did you honk?”

     “Can you tell me what that sign says?”  asks Mary’s mother.

     “Yes, of course.  Don’t you know?  It says airport.” 

     “Thank you,”  says Mary’s mother.  Mary’s mother smiles.

     “Mary, I think home is very far.  If we take an airplane, maybe we can get there faster.” 

     “That’s a good idea,”  says Mary.  Mary and her mother drive to the airport. They park the car in front of the airport and get out.

     Tom is still asleep.  He is very heavy.  A taxi driver helps to carry Tom.  A policeman comes outside.  He looks at their car.  

     “It’s illegal to park here.  I will have to give you a ticket,” says the policeman.  Mary’s mother smiles.  She is very happy.

     “Thank you,”  she says.  “Now we can go to a movie.”

     “Are you my father?”  Mary asks the policeman.  “I love you.”  The policeman looks at Mary and her mother.  He shakes his head.  Mary and her mother and the taxi driver go into the airport.   

The taxi driver puts Tom on a chair.  Mary and her mother stand in line to buy a ticket.  The ticket seller looks at Mary’s mother. 

     “Hello, can I help you?”  asks the ticket seller.

     “Yes, I want to go home,”  says Mary’s mother.

     “Where is your home?”  asks the ticket seller.  Mary’s mother looks at Mary. Mary looks at her mother.  Mary’s mother looks at the ticket seller.  She picks her nose, coughs, and smiles.

     “I forgot,”  she says.  “Wait a second, I will think.”  Mary’s mother thinks. She thinks for five minutes. The ticket seller waits.

 
It hurts when Mary’s mother thinks, but she knows the ticket seller is waiting.  She has to think.  She has to use her brain. 

     “I know!”  says Mary’s mother.  “We can ask someone.”  She turns around and looks at the man behind her.   

     “Where is home?”  asks Mary’s mother.

     “For me, home is in Beijing, China,”  says the man.  Mary’s mother farts.  She smiles.  Now she knows where home is. 

     “I want to buy three tickets to Beijing, China,”  she says.  The ticket seller checks her computer. 

     “OK, it costs three thousand three hundred and thirty dollars,”  says the ticket seller.  “Do you want to pay with cash or credit?”

     “Yes,”  says Mary’s mother. She looks in her purse.  She only has three dollars and some change.  Mary’s mother looks confused.  “I don’t have enough money,”  she says.  Mary’s mother looks at Mary.  Mary looks at her mother. 

     “Going home isn’t easy,”  says Mary.

     “You are right.  How do we get the money?”  asks Mary’s mother.  “I used to have money, but now I don’t.”

     “Maybe we can borrow money, Mama.  I will try to borrow it, and you wait here with Tom.  I’m good at borrowing money.” 

     Mary walks around the airport.  She sees a man sleeping.

      “Hello?  Can I borrow some money?”  asks Mary.  “I want to go home.” The man doesn’t answer.  Mary doesn’t want to bother the man.  So she puts her hand in his pocket and takes out his wallet.  The wallet doesn’t have a lot of money, but Mary finds a bank card and a bank number.  She goes to the bank machine. Mary puts the card in her mouth.  She pushes all the buttons, but nothing happens.  Mary cries. 

     “Can I help you, little girl?”  asks a woman behind Mary.

     “Yes, thank you. I need three thousand three hundred and thirty dollars,”  says Mary. 

     “You have to read the instructions,”  says the woman.  “But don’t worry, I will help you.  Give me your bank card.”  Mary gives the woman her card.  The woman puts the card in the bank machine.  The woman sees there is one hundred thousand dollars in the bank account.  The woman smiles.

     “I’m sorry little girl, but there is only two thousand five hundred dollars in this bank account.  It’s not enough.” 

     “Oh, OK,”  says Mary.  “Please take out the money for me.” 

 The woman takes out one hundred thousand dollars.  She gives Mary two thousand five hundred dollars.  She smiles and puts the rest of the money in a napkin and then she puts it in her purse. 

     “Thank you,”  says Mary.  “You are very nice.”

     “No problem,”  says the woman.  “You are nice too.”  Mary goes back to her mother.  She gives her mother the money.   

Mary’s mother is amazed.  She yells loudly and hugs Mary.

     “Where did you get this money?”  asks Mary’s mother.  “Did you find it?  Did you steal it?  Did someone give it to you?” 

     “No, mother.  I borrowed it,”  says Mary.

     “Oh,”  says Mary’s mother.  “You are a good girl.  I love you.”   Mary’s mother looks at the money.  There isn’t enough to buy three tickets to Beijing.  She doesn’t know what to do.  She looks at Mary. Mary is taking a piss in an old box next to the bathroom.

                                          
     “Stupid girl,”  says Mary’s mother.  “You can’t take a piss in a box.  Many people are watching.  You should piss on the floor.” 

     “Oh,”  says Mary.  “You are right.  Thank you Mama.” 

     “I have an idea,”  says Mary’s mother.  “We can put Tom in the box.  Then we don’t have to buy him a ticket.” 

     “Mother!  You’re a genius!  That’s an excellent idea.”  Mary and her mother put Tom in the box.  Then they carry the box back to the ticket seller and buy two tickets to Beijing. The ticket seller takes their money and gives them their tickets.

     “Do you have any luggage?”  asks the ticket seller.

     “Yes, we have one box,”  says Mary’s mother.  She puts the box on the scale to weigh it and then puts it on the conveyor belt.

     “Goodbye Tom,”  says Mary.  “When you wake up, we will be home.  Maybe you think we are stupid, but you are wrong.  We are very smart.  We know how to go home.” Mary and her mother wait three hours for the plane.  Then they get on.  The plane is full.  Mary and her mother are very happy.  They are going home. 

 The plane is very comfortable.   Mary looks at a magazine.  Mary looks at pictures of furniture.  Mary looks at her mother.                                  

     “Mama, I want this stuff in the magazine.  I want furniture.”

     “OK, Mary, when Tom wakes up I will ask him to get it.”

     “Mama, I have to take a piss.  Where should I go?”

     “You should go to the back of the plane,”  says a man sitting next to Mary.  “There’s a bathroom back there.”

     “Thanks,”  says Mary.  Mary goes to the back of the plane.  There is a long line.  She waits in line and looks out the window.  She is the last one in line.  Mary is sweating. She is very hot.  She tries to open the window.

     “This is a stupid plane,”  says Mary.  “The windows are broken.”  Mary waits and waits.  Finally it’s her turn.  Mary goes into the bathroom, and closes the door.  She sits on the toilet and takes a piss.  Then she flushes the toilet.  Mary feels pressure on her bottom.  Her bottom is sucked into the toilet.  She can’t get out.  She is stuck.  Mary screams.  She opens the bathroom door.  All the people standing in line look at Mary.  Some people laugh.  Some people shake their heads.  Mary’s bottom hurts.  A woman comes in to help Mary.  She grabs Mary’s arms and pulls her out. 

     “Thank you,”  says Mary.  “You saved me. You didn’t laugh.”

     “No problem,”  says the woman.  “You have to stand up when you flush.  Don’t worry.  Everyone makes mistakes.”  Mary sits down.  She is very tired.  She closes her eyes and sleeps.

     Fourteen hours later, the plane lands in Beijing.  Mary and her mother get off the plane.  The weather is very hot and humid.

    “What do we do now?” asks Mary’s mother. “Where is home?”

    “I don’t know,”  says Mary.  “I think we should follow everybody else.”  Mary and her mother follow everybody else.  A man asks Mary’s mother to give him her passport.

     “What’s a passport?”  asks Mary’s mother.  The man looks at Mary and her mother.  He picks up the phone.  Ten minutes later two female police officers come and take Mary and her mother to a small room.  They push them in and close the door.  They lock the door.  Mary and her mother are alone in the room. 

     “This doesn’t look like home,”  says Mary.

      “I think you’re correct,” says Mary’s mother. “This isn’t home.”  Mary and her mother look around the room.  They see a small TV.  Mary turns it on.  Mary and her mother watch an action movie.  The movie is about a spy.  The spy is locked in a room too.  In the movie, a policeman opens the door.  The spy grabs the policeman’s gun, shoots him, and escapes.  Then he runs into an apartment building, grabs another policeman’s gun, and shoots many people.  Many policemen chase the spy.

     “This is a good movie,”  says Mary’s mother.

     “Yes, I agree,”  says Mary.  “But I don’t understand.  Why did the spy grab the gun?  Why did he kill many people?”  asks Mary.

     “I don’t think he really killed many people,”  says Mary’s mother.  “I think it’s just a movie.  It’s not real.”

     “Oh,”  says Mary.  “Is this just a movie too?”

     “What do you mean?”  asks Mary’s mother.

     “We’re also locked in a room.  Are we in a movie too?”

     “Hmmm, I think you’re right.  I think we are in a movie too.  You are a very smart girl Mary,”  says Mary’s mother.

     Mary and her mother watch the movie.  Then they watch some commercials.  Mary takes the remote and changes the channel.

      “Mother, are we in a commercial too?”  Mary asks.

     “No, we are just in an action movie,”  says Mary’s mother.  Mary and her mother hear a noise.  Someone is unlocking the door!  Mary and her mother jump up.  They are ready to act!

     Meanwhile, Tom is in the box.  He is moving around, and around the carousel.  Tom wakes up.  It’s very dark in the box.  The box smells like piss.  Tom feels sick.  He wants to throw up.

     “Where am I?”  he asks himself.  “What happened?  The last thing I remember I was drinking lemonade in the car.  Now where am I?  Where are my mother and sister?  I can’t see.  I think I’m in a box.  Why am I in a box?  Why am I moving?  I’m going to .......ahgahgahg.”  Tom throws up.  Then he takes out his pocket knife and opens the cover.  Tom gets out of the box. Everybody is looking at him.  Everybody is Chinese!  Everybody is speaking Chinese!  Tom sees a big sign.  It says Beijing.  He is in Beijing!   

     “Beijing????”  Tom yells.  “How did I get to Beijing?”

     Suddenly Tom hears people screaming.  Everyone is running.  He sees a woman shooting a gun.  It’s his mother!  His mother is killing people!  His mother is shooting policemen!  She is laughing!  Mary is dancing! What’s going on?  Tom runs to his mother.  He slips and falls, but he gets up and keeps running.

     “Mom!  What are you doing?”  Tom yells.

     “Hi Tom!”  says his mother.  “This is a movie.  It’s a neat movie.  It’s a lot of fun.  Are you in the movie too?”

     “It’s not a movie!”  yells Tom.  “You’re killing people!”

     “Don’t worry, Tom.  I’m an actress. I’m killing movie people.”

     “No you’re not!  It’s real!  Mother, they’re going to kill you!”

     “Don’t worry Tom.  I’m famous!  Look at all the policemen!” Suddenly Tom’s mother drops the gun and falls down.  She has a bullet hole in her knee.  “Tom!  Help me!”  screams his mother.  Tom looks at his mother.  Many policemen are coming.  They are  shooting.  “Tom!  It hurts!  It hurts.....”  Bam! A bullet hits Tom’s mother in the head.  Tom’s mother is dead.  Tom can’t accept it.

     “Mama!  Mama!  No!  You killed my Mama!  Mamaaaaaaa!” What should Tom do?  He doesn’t want to die.  The policemen are still shooting.  Tom picks up the gun.  He has no idea how to use it, but he pretends.  Tom has seen a lot of movies. He is good.

     “Mary, follow me!  Run!”  Tom yells.

     “Why?  I want to dance.  This movie is fun.  I want to piss.”

     “Mary, we have to run.  It’s one of the movie rules.  Run!”

     “OK, Tom.  This movie is fun.  I hope they pay us a lot.”  Tom and Mary run.  Many policemen are shooting at them.  Tom is scared.  He looks at Mary.  She’s smiling. She’s picking her nose.  Tom and Mary run outside.  Tom sees a truck.  He points his gun at the truck and the truck driver stops.  They get in and Tom points the gun at the driver’s head.  The driver drives away fast.

     “This is an exciting movie,” says Mary. “Can I shoot the gun?”

     “Stupid girl, it’s not a movie.  It’s not a toy gun.  It’s real!”

     “Oh,”  says Mary.  “Are you sure?”

     “Yes, I’m sure,”  says Tom.  “Now shut up.  I have to think.”

     “Thinking isn’t easy,”  says Mary.  “It makes my head hurt.”

      “That’s because you’re stupid,”  says Tom.  “You’re an idiot!”

       The driver drives for a long time.  He drives into the country.  After many hours Tom tells the driver to stop.  Tom and Mary get out of the truck.  The driver is still afraid.  He drives away quickly.  Mary looks around.  There is a lot of litter on the side of the road from long distance trucks.  There are many rice fields.

     “Is this home?”  asks Mary.

     “Of course not, stupid.  This is China.  Our mother is dead and the police are searching for us you stupid, stupid, girl.  What happened?  How did we get to China?”  Tom looks at Mary.  Mary looks at Tom.  Mary smiles.  She shrugs her shoulders.

     “Oh shit,”  says Tom.  “I can’t believe this is happening. If the police catch us, they will put us in jail.  Maybe they will kill us.”

     “I have to take a piss,”  says Mary.  Mary pisses in some bushes.  Suddenly a man jumps out.  He is very angry.

     “Don’t piss on me,”  he yells. 

     “Can you speak English?”  asks Mary.

     “Yes,  I graduated from a New York university.  I’m not a farmer.  I’m a politician.  Why did your sister piss on me?”

    “Why were you hiding in the bushes?”  asks Tom.

     “The police are looking for me,”  says the man.

     “The police are looking for us too!”  says Tom.

     “Wow!  What a coincidence!  We’re both hiding from the police.  I’m going to sneak into Hong Kong.  I have many friends who will help me escape.  Do you want to come with me?  We have a better chance if we go together.  We can help each other.”

     “OK,”  says Tom.  “Thanks!  We really appreciate it.”  Tom and Mary follow the man.  They walk for many weeks.  They walk during the night to avoid the police.  Their feet are very tired.  Mary and Tom have many blisters.  Finally they reach the border and sneak into Hong Kong. Tom thanks the man for helping them.

     “Thanks!  Without you, we couldn’t have made it,”  says Tom. 

     “No problem,”  says the man. The man shakes their hands and walks away.  Now Tom and Mary are in Hong Kong.  It’s raining.  It’s very windy.  They have no money.  They are exhausted.

     “I’m cold,”  says Mary.  “I have to take a piss.  I’m hungry. Tom! I’m hungry!  Tom I want to eat!  Feed me!”  says Mary. Tom looks at Mary.  He loses his temper and slaps her twice.

      “Quiet!  It’s your fault we are in this mess.  Why can’t you be smart?  Why are you so stupid?  I know you’re hungry.  I’m hungry too.  But we don’t have any money.”  Tom looks around.  He sees a vacant lot behind a convenience store.  There is a big pile of garbage, some dirty sheets, abandoned appliances, some stray dogs, and an old black hat. Tom picks up the hat.  Suddenly he has an idea.  He tells Mary to undress.  Then he tells her to roll in the dirt.  The dirt is wet.  It’s very muddy.

     “Why do you want me to roll in the dirt?”  asks Mary.

     “Just shut up and do what I say,”  says Tom.

     “OK,”  says Mary.  “But I don’t like this place.  I don’t think it’s home.  I want to go home.”  Mary takes off her clothes and rolls in the mud.  Tom picks up a dirty sheet and rips it.  Then he pisses on it.  Then he tells Mary to wrap it around her waist.  Mary looks awful.  Tom smiles.  Mary can be a beggar!  Maybe people will feel sorry for her.  Maybe people will give her money.

     Tom and Mary walk to the business district. Tom tells Mary to lie on the sidewalk.  He puts the black hat next to her head.

     “What do you want me to do?”  asks Mary.  “Is this home?”

     “No, it’s not home,”  says Tom.  “Pretend to be sad and cry.”

     “How do I cry?”  asks Mary.  “What does cry mean?”

     “Think about something,”  answers Tom.  Mary thinks.  It hurts when she thinks.  She’s not used to it.  She starts to cry. 

     “Very good,”  says Tom.  “Now stay here.  I’m going to look for an umbrella.  Don’t move.  Don’t do anything stupid.”

     “OK,”  Mary whines.  “But this isn’t home and I’m hungry.”

     Tom spends a long time looking for an umbrella.  He finally finds one sticking out of a garbage bag.  He goes back to Mary.  Mary is still crying.  She has a dead rat in her hand.  Mary is eating the dead rat!  People stop when they see her.  It’s incredible!  A girl is eating a rat!  They throw money into the hat.

     “Mary, why are you eating a rat?”  asks Tom.

     “It tastes better than the cockroaches,”  says Mary.  Tom picks up the hat and counts the money.  There is over 700 HK dollars!

     Tom smiles.  It worked!  Begging is a great way to earn money.  Tom looks in the garbage.  He finds some oil, a bottle of ketchup, some rusty scissors, a razor, a rug, some matches, and an old tire. Tom cuts his hair.  Then he shaves it.  He lights a match and blows it out.  Then he draws on his face with the match.  He mixes the ketchup and the oil.  It looks like blood.  He spreads it on his body.  He finds some cardboard and makes a sign.  The sign says, “Help me I have AIDS”. Then Tom lies down.  He puts his head on the tire.  It’s like a pillow.  Tom can be a beggar too!

     Tom and Mary beg for nine weeks.  Finally they have enough money to go home.  Tom and Mary buy new clothes.  Then they check into a hotel to take a shower. Then they go to a ticket office to buy plane tickets. Mary is very excited.  She dances and sings.

     “I’m going home, home, home, oh baby, I’m going home.”  Suddenly Mary stops.  She looks at the ticket counter.  “Tom, is this home?”  asks Mary.  “Are we already home?”

     “No, stupid,”  says Tom.  “Our flight is tomorrow.  Tomorrow we will go to the airport and take an airplane.  This is an office.”

     Tom and Mary return to the hotel.  They swim in the hotel swimming pool.  They hang out in the sauna.  Mary gets a massage.  They go to the roof to check out the view.  They go to the night market to buy souvenirs.  They eat dinner in a cafeteria.  Then they take the Star Ferry.  The harbor is beautiful at night.  Finally they go back to the hotel to sleep.  Mary is very happy.

     “Oh, Father!  I’m so happy!  We’re going home!”  says Mary.

     “I’m not your father, I’m your brother,”  says Tom.

     “Oh, I forgot,”  says Mary.  “Am I your brother too?”

     “No, you’re my sister.  Shut up and go to sleep,”  says Tom.

      In the morning Tom’s alarm clock wakes them up.  They get up, get dressed, eat breakfast and take a taxi to the airport.  The airport is very crowded. They get in a long line to check in.  Mary gives her ticket to a man wearing an airline uniform. 

     “Do you want a window seat or an aisle seat?” asks the man.

     “Yes, I do,”  says Mary.  “I’m going home.”  The man smiles and gives them their boarding passes.  Tom and Mary go to gate 17 and wait for an hour.  Then they get on the plane. The airplane takes off.  Tom watches the stewardesses do a safety demonstration.  Mary holds the headphones and talks.

     “Mary, it’s not a microphone.  Those are headphones.” 

     “Oh,” says Mary. Mary bites her nails. “Tom do you love me?” 

     “Of course I love you,”  answers Tom.  “I’m your brother.”

     “I love you too, Tom.  I’m your mother,”  says Mary.

     “No you’re not.  You’re my sister,”  says Tom.

     “Oh.  Are we going home Tom?”  asks Mary.  “I want to go.”

     “Yes, be patient.  We’re going home.  Don’t be so nervous.”

     One hour later the plane lands in Taipei.  It’s a stopover.  The pilot tells everyone to transfer to another plane.  Tom and Mary get off the plane and wait in the transit room.  They have to wait one hour before the next flight. Tom is tired. He watches Mary. She is making knots in her shoelaces. Tom smiles and closes his eyes.  Mary smiles too and gets up.  She has to take a piss.  

     One hour later Tom wakes up.  The plane is boarding.  He looks around.  Mary is gone!  Tom runs into the women’s bathroom but Mary isn’t there.  The plane is leaving!  Oh no!   Where is Mary?  Tom runs around the airport screaming.

     “Mary!  Mary!  Mary! Mary!  Where are you?  Mary!”  A policeman grabs Tom’s arm.

     “What’s your problem son?  You can’t yell like that in the airport.  Is something wrong?  Why are you yelling?”

     “I can’t find my sister.  I’m going to miss my plane.  We’re going home.  Now I can’t find her.  She’s gone!”  yells Tom.

     “Is your sister a stupid, short, blonde girl?” asks the cop.

     “Yes!  Yes!  Did you see her?”  asks Tom.

     “Yes, I saw her go outside.  I saw her get into a car with three men and a teenage girl. I helped them put their bags in the trunk.”

     “Why didn’t you stop her!”  yells Tom.  “She’s my sister!”

     “I didn’t know,”  says the policeman.  “She was smiling.  She looked very happy.  She told me she was going home.”

     “Oh shit!”  says Tom.  “Everything’s ruined.  We were supposed to go home.  Now what am I going to do?”

     “Their license plate said Kaohsiung,”  says the policeman.  “Maybe they’re from Kaohsiung.  You can go to Kaohsiung.”

     “Kaohsiung?  Where’s Kaohsiung?  Is Kaohsiung near here?  Can you give me directions?  How do I get to Kaohsiung?”

     “It’s about four hours south by bus. You can get a bus ticket at the counter next to the information desk over there by the pop vending machines.  You can change money over there too.”

     “Thanks,”  says Tom.  “I guess I have to go to Kaohsiung.  I can’t believe Mary is gone.  This is like a nightmare.”  Tom buys a bus ticket and gets in line to take a bus to Kaohsiung.The bus is almost full.  Tom sits in back next to a man using a laptop computer.  He is typing a letter to his mother.  Tom starts to cry.

     “Why are you crying?”  asks the man.  “What’s wrong?”

     “My parents are dead and my sister is missing,”  says Tom.

     “I’m sorry,”  says the man.  "Shit happens. My wife is dead too. At first, I was sad.  But now I’m happy.  I’m free.”  The man smiles and gives Tom a handkerchief.  Then he takes out a phone, plugs it into his computer, and dials a number.

     “Is that a cellular phone?”  asks Tom. 

     “No, this is a satellite phone,”  answers the man. 

     “Wow, I never saw a satellite phone before,”  says Tom.

     “Yeah, technology keeps getting better and better,”  says the man.  “I can go online and send this email to my mother.  I can use the Internet too.  Do you want to play an Internet game?”

     “Ok,”  says Tom.  “Maybe it will help me forget about my sister.”  Tom and the man play a war game for four hours.  Then they arrive in Kaohsiung.  Tom gets off the bus at the Kaohsiung train station.  It’s very late and Tom is depressed.  He can’t speak Chinese.  It’s very difficult to communicate and he’s  all alone.  Tom feels very lonely.  He sees many happy people walking together and talking.  He envies them.  They have friends and family.  He has nothing.  Now, even his sister is gone.  Tom checks into a hotel but he can’t sleep.  He can’t stop thinking about Mary.  What happened to her?  Where is she?

     The next day Tom begins to look for Mary.  He goes everywhere in Kaohsiung.  He asks many people.  But nobody knows anything about Mary. Nobody has seen a stupid girl.  Tom goes to many police stations too.  But no one can help him.

    Day after day, week after week, month after month, Tom looks for Mary.  But he can’t find her.  Finally, Tom runs out of money.  He’s broke.  He can’t afford to pay his hotel bill anymore.  The hotel manager threatens to call the police. She warns him that he will be arrested if he doesn’t pay.  Tom goes to a loan shark and borrows money.  But one month later, the money runs out. The loan shark’s thugs beat Tom up.  Tom puts on a dress and a wig and gets a job at a betel nut stand.  But his boss finds out he’s not a woman and fires him.  Tom is desperate.  He has to find Mary. 

    He sleeps in a park at night and sells gum during the day.  But he can’t make enough to look for Mary.  Tom is frustrated.  He can’t do anything.  He can’t find his sister.  He misses Mary.  Tom is tired of looking.  He decides to take a long walk.  He walks along a narrow stream in front of a big factory.  The water smells like rotten eggs.  It’s polluted.  Tom leans over and looks at the dark water.  He decides to jump in. The stream doesn’t look very deep, but Tom figures the chemicals in the water will kill him.  Tom wants to give up.  Tom wants to die.  The water looks evil.

    Tom squats down and puts his hands in the water.  The water burns his hands.  There’s acid in the water. Tom smiles and looks at his hands.  The skin is falling off.  It is very painful.  Tom smiles and gets ready to jump.  He stands up and decides to dive.

      “Wait!  Don’t do it!  Don’t do it!  Don’t jump!”  a woman shouts.  She runs towards him.  The woman can speak English.  Tom is very surprised.  The woman looks cool.  She’s beautiful. The woman looks like a model.  She grabs Tom around the waist and pulls him back from the river. “You shouldn’t kill yourself,”  says the beautiful woman.  “It will be bad for your karma.  Life isn’t so bad.  Why are you in such a hurry to die?  Smile!  Enjoy life!  You should be happy to be alive!  Don’t kill yourself.  Life is a gift.  Don’t throw it away.  Life is great.  Life is wonderful!”

  “Life is shit,”  says Tom.  “Life sucks.  I have no money and I can’t find my sister.  I want to die.  I have no reason to live.”

      “I can help you.  You can make a lot of money and continue to search for your sister.  We can make a deal.”

      “What are you talking about? asks Tom. “What do you mean?” 

      “You can be an English teacher.  You can be my co-teacher.  We can teach together.  I have many contacts in Kaohsiung.  We can find a lot of good students. We can teach them not to be afraid to speak English.  I’m a good teacher, but I need a foreigner to help me.  We can work together.  We will be a big success.”

      “Are you serious?”  asks Tom.

      “I never lie, and I never bullshit,”  says the woman.  “I’m serious.  Come with me.  I will find a place for you to live.  I have a friend that sells Chinese medicine.  He has a small house on his roof.  It has a great view.  You can live there.  He travels all over Taiwan collecting herbs. You can go with him and look for Mary. My name’s Alison.  What’s your name?”

     “I’m Tom.  It’s nice to meet you.”  Tom follows Alison.  Tom smiles.  He is happy again.  He can make some money and keep looking for his sister.  Tom decides to become an English teacher.

     Alison and Tom become good friends.  Tom teaches English in Kaohsiung for many years.  He continues to search for his sister.  Tom hopes she’s still alive.  Maybe someday he will find her.

      Where’s Mary?  What’s she doing?  What happened to her? Maybe you’re curious and maybe you’re not. Today it’s raining in Taidung.  A young girl is planting rice. It doesn’t make a difference to her if it rains or not.  She’s very happy. Nearby is an old cabin.  Three men and a teenage girl are playing cards inside.  They are gambling. They are chewing betel nut, drinking Chinese wine, and smoking rolled up tobacco leaves.  They look at each other and smile.  They are warm, dry, and a little drunk.

     “We are really lucky,”  says one man.  “That stupid girl is a hard worker.  She never complains.  We don’t have to pay her.  She works 15 hours a day and she’s always happy.  She thinks she’s home.”  The men and the teenage girl look out the window and watch Mary working in the rice field. They shake their heads. 

      Mary plants the rice in straight rows.  Her back hurts but she doesn’t care.  She’s happy.  She’s thinks she’s home. Mary sings.

      “I’m happy, oh so happy, oh so happy, because I’m home, yes, home, yes, home, yes home, oh baby, baby, baby, I’m La La La, Da, Da, Da, Be, Bop Ba Wah, at home.  Baby, I’m home.”