Why, dammit, WHY?!
1.) Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's'?
2.) Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
3.) How come abbreviated is such a long word?
4.) If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
5.) Why do some people press harder on a remote-control when they know the battery is dead?
6.) Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?
7.) Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
8.) Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
9.) Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
10.) Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
11.) Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
12.) Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
13.) Why is the alphabet in that order?
14.) If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
15.) What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
16. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
17.) Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
18.) When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
19.) Do fish get cramps after eating?
20.) Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
21.) Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
22.) Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
23.) Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
24.) Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
25.) How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
26.) If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
27.) Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
28.) How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
29.) Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
30.) Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
31.) Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
32.) Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
34.) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
36.) What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
37.) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
38.) Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
39.) Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
40.) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
41.) If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
42.) Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
43.) Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
44.) Would a turtle without a shell be naked or homeless?
45.) War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
COMMENTS ON LIFE
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier
to live with.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check
three friends, if they're ok, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer
in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that
nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because
the average man can see better than he can think.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence
on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from
where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.
REMEMBER WHEN.......
A COMPUTER WAS SOMETHING ON TV
FROM A SCIENCE FICTION SHOW
A WINDOW WAS SOMETHING YOU HATED TO CLEAN....
AND RAM WAS THE COUSIN OF A GOAT.....
MEG WAS THE NAME OF MY GIRLFRIEND
AND GIG WAS WHEN A BAND PLAYED AT NIGHT
NOW THEY ALL MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS
AND THAT REALLY MEGA BYTES
AN APPLICATION WAS FOR EMPLOYMENT
A PROGRAM WAS A TV SHOW
A CURSOR USED PROFANITY
A KEYBOARD WAS A PIANO
MEMORY WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOST WITH AGE
A CD WAS A BANK ACCOUNT
AND IF YOU HAD A 3 1/2" FLOPPY
YOU HOPED NOBODY FOUND OUT
COMPRESS WAS SOMETHING YOU DID TO THE GARBAGE
NOT SOMETHING YOU DID TO A FILE
AND IF YOU UNZIPPED ANYTHING IN PUBLIC
YOU'D BE IN JAIL FOR A WHILE
LOG ON WAS ADDING WOOD TO THE FIRE
HARD DRIVE WAS A LONG TRIP ON THE ROAD
A MOUSE PAD WAS WHERE A MOUSE LIVED
AND A BACKUP HAPPENED TO YOUR COMMODE
CUT YOU DID WITH A POCKET KNIFE
PASTE YOU DID WITH GLUE
A WEB WAS A SPIDER'S HOME
AND A VIRUS WAS THE FLU
I GUESS I'LL STICK TO MY PAD AND PAPER
AND THE MEMORY IN MY HEAD
I HEAR NOBODY'S BEEN KILLED IN A COMPUTER CRASH
BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS THEY WISH THEY WERE DEAD!