Humor Page

'Cos we all love jokes.  Got any good clean ones?  e-mail me at:  cevans9159@aol.com

Table of Contents

• Obi-Gone

• Bad Centering Skills

• You Might Be a Troll If...

• SR Christmas Songs (12/2/00)

• The ABC's of Shadowrun

Bad Centering Skills  One night, while on #Shadowrun (on IRC) a bunch of us came up with a list of possible  centering skills for a physical adept to use.  Fortunately, Jett saved the log of our conversation and posted it on  her site.

Deranged Ramblings

   Well, it's 02:20 and I'm a bit tired and in an odd mood.  It's too quiet in #Shadowrun...so my mind is wandering.  The other day when flipping through the channels on the television, I came across the Jeff Foxworthy show.  For those of you who don't know of which I speak, he's a comedian who tells a lot of jokes about Rednecks.  "If you have more than 4 dogs living under your porch, then you just may be a redneck."  With that in mind, and no claim of sanity to stop me, I present a few warped versions of this idea set in the Shadowrun universe.

1. "If you high five a buddy and his arm flies off, you just might be a Troll."
2. "If the doctor uses a sledgehammer to test your reflexes, you just might be a Troll."
3. "If your handkerchiefs are made out of sailcloth, you just might be a Troll."
4. "If your hat won't stay on due to horns, you just might be a Troll."
5. "If people run away screaming 'Dzoo-noo-qua!', you just might be a Troll."
6. "If your beverage containers look like kegs, you just might be a Troll."
7. "If your body counts as carry-on luggage at the airport, you just might be a Troll."
8. "If your budget allocates more nuyen for food than rent, you just might be a Troll."
9. "If you are banned from 'All You Can Eat' places, you just might be a Troll."
10. "If you can't find it at a 'Big and Tall' store, you just might be a Troll."
11. "If all the water splashes out of the pool when you perform your patented 'Cannonball Dive', you just might be a Troll.
12. "If stupid gamers ask you if you can regenerate like in their fantasy game, you just might be a Troll."

SR Christmas Songs

"Walking in the Redmond Barrens" by Tay-Dor, 2000 (Sing to the tune, Walking in a Winter Wonderland)

	Bystanders scream, are you listning?  In the streets, blood is glistning.  
		It's a murderous night, the gangers all fight, Walking in the Redmond barrens.
	Dreamchippers zone on the curbside, as their brains, they do fry.  
		The Sams and their 'ware, better beware, Walking in the redmond barrens."
	In the backroom we can buy a weapon.  We can even get a smartlink too.  
		They'll ask are you SINless, we'll say, "No drek!"  We've got to get us ID's too."
	Later on, we'll perspire as we look for a buyer.  
		The plans that we've made will get us all flayed, Walking in the Redmond Barrens.

"Death Rest Ye SINless Gentlemen" by Tay-Dor, 2000 (Sing to the tune, God Rest Ye merry Gentlemen)

	Death rest ye SINless gentlemen let nothing now decay.
	For Tanamous needs organs and I've got bills to pay.	
	Two full bodies and a leg will make my rainy day.
	Oh tidings of lifestyle without soy, boy oh boy.  Oh tidings of lifestyle without soy.

The ABC's of Shadowrun (By Charybdis)

A starts us off with Aztechnology, chum.
If they're involved, walk away... Better yet, run.
A is also for Armour, and Astral, and Ares,
And APDS Ammo which somehow everyone carries.

B is for Bullets for every sam's gun.
And also for Barriers, so spirits can't come.
B is for Barghests and Banishing too,
Something we hope our team's mages can do.

C is for Combat, the core of it all.
And also for Contacts whom all runners call.
C is for Conjuring--like elementals and spirits,
And for the Cockatrice that paralyzes those who get near it.

D is for Dunkelezhan, the Dragon, Big D,
Who left quite a will for the world to see.
D is also for Decking, for skating the IC,
And for Dwarves, and for Drain, and for six-sided Dice.

E is for Elves, who run both the Tirs
And for Elementals which a sane runner fears.
E is for Essence which most sammies lack
And for Explosives, a favorite attack.

F is for Fuchi, of cyberdeck fame,
And also for FASA, who gave us the game.
F is for Firearms, Force points, and Flechette,
And F is for Foci, a great Astral threat.

G is for Gaming, which we all like to do,
And for the Gamemasters, the proud and the few.
G is for Grenades, Gas vents, and Guns,
All our wiz Gear that we need on our runs.

H is for Hermetic, the path of the Mage
And for Harpies, best viewed in a cage.
H is for Hearth spirit called for a service or two,
And for Heal, a spell that just might save you.

I is for Iggies, your Initiative dice,
And for the bane of the decker, that classic black IC.
I is for Insect spirits, the bugs that invaded Chicago
And also for Initiation and the adventure Imago.

J is for Johnson, the great corporate liar,
Who hands out the nuyen to runners for hire.
J is for Jacks, used for decks and for rigs,
And also for Jail, which no runner digs.

K is for the magical squid called the Kraken
And also for Karma earned for shooting and hacking.
K is for Kage, a defunct Shadowrun Zine
And also for Krupp, after Saeder, I mean.

L is for Lowfyer, the great corporate wyrm
And L's for Lone Star, the police services firm.
L is for Lifestyle, which runners should buy,
And also for Legwork-- do it or die.

M is for Manhunter, the gun made by Colt
And the oft chosen spell, the force 6 Manabolt.
M is for Matrix where the deckers all play
And it's for Monowhip used in Melee.

N is for Naga, the magical snake
And for the Nuyen we all hope to make.
N is for Nature spirits, summoned by shamans
And for NPCs-- both the unique and the common.

O is for Orichalcum, the magical metal
Which is used in the foci talismongers all peddle.
O is for Orks, who with a few trolls can be found
Deep below Seattle, in the Ork Underground.

P is for Paranormal like some animals are
And for Projectiles-- weapons used from afar.
P is for the Programs which the deckers all use
To break into systems and their data peruse.

Q is for Quickness, which is one attribute
Of the combat pool used to dodge and to shoot.
Q is for Quebec on the UCAS's north border
Which also has runners disturbing its law and its order.

R is for Riggers with their vehicles and drones
And for Renraku who built that Arcology home.
R also is for the gun the Ruger Superwarhawk
And for the Radios we use to subvocal or talk.

S is for Sammies, Spirits, Shamans, and SINs
And also for the Shadows we live and run in.
S is for the beleaguered city, Seattle,
Where so many runners work and do battle.

T is for Totems, the odd spirit guides
And also for Trolls with their tough dermal hides.
T is for Tactics to give you an edge
And T's for Trauma patches, so you don't end up dead.

U is for Unexplained Genetic Expression, UGE,
And also Unarmed Combat, like Tae Kwon Do or Ti Chi.
U is for Universal Omnitech, a corp with biotech facilities
And Universal Brotherhood:  "Unleash your inner abilities."

V is for Vehicles to escape after your runs
And for Vanquisher and Vindicator, both miniguns.
V is also for Vashion Island, armoured attire,
And V's for VITAS and the dreaded Vampire.

W is for Wendigo, sometimes confused with the Yeti
Who would rather eat you than eat soy or spaghetti.
W is for Wards to protect you from spells
And for Willpower which protects you from magic as well.

X starts very few words that deal with runs
Except those annoying X-rays which detect hidden guns.
X does end a few, though, on the simsense scene
Like Dir-X and Full-X, that format supreme...

Y is for the contact, the Yakuza boss;
He is one Johnson you had better not cross.
Y is for Yamaha Pulsar which fires a charge
And for the Yedi which is fuzzy and large.

Z is for Zurich-- the Orbital, I mean
Where the great Corporate Court is known to convene.
Z is also for Zero Perspiration, chum,
And Z's the alphabet's end, so now I am done.

(With thanks and apologies to AdamJ, Skye, Dodger, DocRaven, Bull, Dvixen, 
Krilion, and the other Undernet #Shadowrun ops and regulars who not only 
put up with my silly whims but also willingly --or not so willingly-- 
played my goofy little ABC game...)

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